I no longer feel affection for my mother. Is this normal?
I've been solo-caregiving (I have siblings but they physically can't and won't help) my 98 year old mother remotely for 6 years. In that time she's been in 7 rehabs, had 2 broken hips, fractured back, pacemaker, etc. I finally had to put her in a beautiful AL place (that my siblings and I pay dearly for). I just spent 4 months out there away from my home and neglecting my job to help with the transition and critical medical stuff. I feel so drained, psychologically and emotionally fractured from the stress, physical and mental. At times I thought I would have a stroke (and I am in great physical condition-or was). I just got back to my own home, and I am dreading every interaction with her--and anything that reminds me of her. For example: I used to love exploring her family history, and have done extensive research. I now can barely stand looking at old family items. I threw everything nostalgic item (old measuring cups, etc.) away when cleaning out her home that I used to swear I would keep forever. The beautiful stuff like serving dishes etc. I gave to other family members. I want nothing to do with it and all I have are the bad memories of our current interactions. I cannot blame her--she is weak and lost her independence, is soaking through 20 Depends a day, has spontaneous tears in skin that bleed, losing her eyesight and hearing. In addition, all the codependency I thought I worked through in 12-step programs came roaring back, and I feel like the 7-14 year old seeing my mother depressed and trying to save her from her self. Maybe my reaction now of hating her and wanting to get rid of the physical stuff is the only way I can free myself emotionally? Not sure. But has anyone else experienced a profound shift when caregiving and reaching their limit where they hate the person they once loved? When people say to me, "You are such a loving daughter," I want to scream. I do it out of duty not love. She is a fragile, vulnerable human being and it is not right to abandon her. I guess that IS love. But not the love that feels good. She sacrificed a lot to raise us with good values. She can still be very funny --and sarcasm his her MO when upset. But she hates the AL situation, she hates being dependent, and I hate caring for her; it drains me financially, emotionally, physically. It distresses me that I cannot feel love for her anymore, only resentment; and the family history I once loved is now to me a reminder of her and I want to abandon it. I wish every day for her to die because I don't want to see her suffer, but I admit I also don't want to do this anymore. But the worst/ strangest thing is this wanting to rid myself of every memory of her and throw everything out of hers. Has anyone else gone through this?
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GRRRRR......
Next time someone says that to me. I'll reply:
Sure, to be a "loving daughter", I had to sacrify my sanify, my peace, my time alone, my time with my husband and children, my physical and mental health, my financial security, my future, my family's well being, my friends, my social outlets, and anything and everything that makes me a happy person.
Now, would you like to trade places with me and be a good daughter?
My folks spent the last four years of their lives with zero quality of life. You know what it’s like so I’ll spare the details.
My mom suffered from depression all her life and it was worse by the time I got them in care. I would come away from each visit a complete basket case. But I did what had to be done, head down, charging through each new crisis.
I just wanted it to be over for them and me. I held a lot of anger and resentment for a long time. They’ve both died now, dad last to go in 2020.
These days I’m having more memories of better times with my folks. For awhile I was still very angry they didn’t make any plans for old age and left me scrambling, but it passes.
It’s ok to be mad at your mom and even to hate her but that’s gets tiring. I had to detach and look at it like an unpleasant job, doing what was best whether they liked it or not. Usually not.
I think you’ll survive this. No one was as unprepared as I was for elder caregiving and I’m doing pretty well now. Best of luck to you.
She is 100 so I know it is irrational to think that. She's in assisted living now which has been a great relief but I still bristle at little things I should probably just let roll. All the I need this or that, bring me things calls. I go get whatever she needs, drop it off and leave as quickly as possible. During Covid when we could not go into the building, and I could just leave things at the door and run it was great.
And all of the "you are such a great daughter" compliments get me too. I just smile and think "oh if you only knew". I feel totally robotic.
I too stuggled with co-dependence, always involved with addicts or alcoholics, and even after many years of therapy and twelve step programs, her moving here triggered the return of all those feelings in the worst way. For the first time in my life I needed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
I am in a somewhat better place now after getting help, I feel badly about feeling so shut down around her. But I am tapped out. I try to summon some compassion toward myself and I struggle with that.
I think it is entirely normal to feel the way you do, I totally get it. My spare bedroom is full of her stuff, I can hardly bear to go in there.
You need a total break. Stay away from the memorabilia, don't attempt to deal with anything that doesn't need to be done now, and limit contact as far as possible. For example, you can send cards/flowers/emails most days, and phone a lot less often. You can discuss medical or care issues with the medical or AL staff and agree the plan with them, leaving them to communicate with your mother.
You must insulate yourself. The hatred pulses will pass, but it takes time. You don't hate her, you are in pain and exhausted. Take time out. Hugs.
Mom is in place she is cared for, time for you to detach yourself, maybe you exhibiting that by throwing out all sentimental items?
Nursing Homes usually have a line of rooms containing very old and/or very ill people. If they go to the common room, they frequently sit around the walls watching TV, not talking and quite possibly not understanding any of it. The dining room has people in a row being spoonfed. The care may be excellent, the staff kind and helpful, but to a younger person it looks like living death.
Assisted Living places are much easier to ‘dress up’. There are always people who are in better shape, there are more things to do, some conversations going on. ALs charge more, and to a younger person they can look quite good – just like a hotel.
Before you write off Nursing Homes, you need to check on the care, not the décor. It may be excellent. And before you think that the beautiful AL is better, you need to work out how much of its facilities are actually making much difference to your mother. You say that she ‘hates’ it, so perhaps she isn’t able to enjoy what you are paying for. Her age and problems would make it hard to participate in activities and make friends. You say that she is “mentally aware”, but are you sure? If you don’t see her regularly for substantial visits, it’s possible that she ‘show times’ during the times you visit, and is exhausted flat afterwards - just "very old and/or very ill".
It’s often a good idea to find a way to watch her without her knowing that you are there. Posters have reported that elders who ‘hate it’ are actually quite cheerful when they don’t have an audience to complain to, and the opposite can be true too.
Don’t back yourself into a corner about the options!
That is OK.
Much self-care may be needed to restore your drained heart, mind & body.
Be kind to yourself today.
Your tale inspired me to a little haiku (it's the thought that counts, right? Not talent).
🏵️🏵️🏵️
Your Mother is old,
Her time soon gone, recycle,
Thinking - keep or pass.
🌼🌼🌼
Children should not pay for their parent's room and board, otherwise, in a few decades, you and any children you may have will be repeating this cycle.
it’s not fair to the person who needs care if you’re caring out of guilt and obligation. They need more then you can provide and caring for someone when there’s resentment is a recipe for disaster.
this website and many of the compassionate people on her really have YOUR best intentions at heart. I’ve really been able to let go of the stories and guilt I’ve carried for years through some of the responses on here.
Right or wrong, normal or abnormal, our feelings are ours and we're entitled to them....they've been earned. I went thru my mother's things with lightening speed, donated most, kept some, and that ended the longest chapter of my life, setting me free finally. Thank God.
Lots of us get it, my friend. All the best to you as you push thru what lies ahead.
Thinking that you must do ‘the best’ for her by paying for a ‘beautiful’ AL that is draining your own retirement funds, may be another part of your long problem. Think about this aspect too. It’s more important than the china.
Even a draft horse that pulls heavy loads every day will eventually break under the pressure.
Statistics show that a high % of caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for.
Emotions are funny...(not funny ha ha but funny if you know what I mean)
One feeling can be perceived as one thing when it is really another.
Excitement can feel like Fear and visa versa
Not feeling affection there can be so much to that.
Numb
Grief
I just did a quick search and this is interesting...
Emotional Numbing is defined as the process of shutting out feelings and can be experienced through emotional deficits or restrictions in the capacity to feel or express emotions.
and
What is it called to be emotionally numb? Emotional numbness also called affective blunting means that a person is unable to experience emotion. Alternately they may feel as though they are cut off from their own emotions.
and....
Why do I go numb emotionally? Depression and anxiety are two of the most common causes.
If you were in a 12 step program for whatever reason you might want to reconnect. Going through what you are going through you should not do alone.
If you have a therapist or Counselor that you trust that you can talk to it would be a good idea.
You need a break.
Let the staff of the facility do what they do and shoulder you load for a while.
Give yourself a chance to reconnect with you.
You are CORRECTLY terrified this stress will kill you, and if you do not find an outlet of truth telling it honestly could.
Please seek out a Licensed Psychologist or a Social Worker, licensed and certified and working in private practice. They are often best at life transitions work.
I felt only relief when my beloved parents passed in their mid 90s. Only relief for them and for my fear for them. And the same was mostly the case with my beloved brother. I am certain, being 80 now, that my 60 year old daughter is feeling that fear of what is to come, for me--for her.
We live too long. I was a nurse all my life. I wish we all had an easy final exit.
My heart goes out to you.
When people say to me, "You are such a loving daughter," I want to scream. I do it out of duty not love. She is a fragile, vulnerable human being and it is not right to abandon her.
I saw my myself in those words.
Kudos to you for deciding to get rid of all the stuff, even the measuring cup. All the junk in my mom's house sure colors my every thought of her, because I know it will be/has been be me sorting and taking care of disposing all of it somehow. It's absolute drudgery. Not love.
Hopefully years down the road we will both be able to separate the drudgery from our memories of mom. You'll have no regrets knowing you took care of her and made sure she was taken care of. You've been selfless, which is a kind of love.
Time for you now.
You also are a "fragile, vulnerable human being". You have to see that and value that.
Taking care of someone does not mean YOU personally HAVE to do all the work. Placing someone in a Skilled Nursing facility, Memory Care IS taking care of them. YOU are making sure they are getting cared for 24/7 by staff that are there all the time.
Allowing someone to care for her and do the hands on care YOU can be a daughter first once again and a caregiver/manager second.
mom and I ALWAYS laughed about not EVER wanting us to live under the same roof, and I would laugh and AGREE.
When she broke her hip at 89, and revealed her added diagnosis of dementia, I ridiculously decided that she should have a trial living at home with me.
It was a ridiculous decision on my part. I gained 60 pounds, stopped sleeping, and thought my life would end.
Thankfully I only lasted for a little less than 1 months, then found her a wonderful nearby residential care setting, and we both survived.
SO? I think your feelings are DEFINITELY “normal”. You are depleted, exhausted, and your own emotional reserves are at their lowest.
I think your approach is reasonably healthy IF ( a BIG IF)- you can USE your emotions to motivate you to restore a loving relationship with yourself, and YOUR needs and enthusiasms.
It took me a while, but I did it and I’m grateful now, after several years, that I was able to give her 5 1/2 lovely years in residential care. She LOVED her caregivers, and they LOVED HER!
The only change I’d suggest would be for you to “allow” her to pay her own way, and not draw on your resources or your siblings’. I used close to a million dollars of my mother’s funds to pay for her care, and don’t begrudge her a cent.
I’m hoping that by treating yourself well, your anger will gradually, little by little, decrease to the vanishing point. You stepped up, and you DESERVE the BEST.
I'm keeping my mother's class ring and a locket of hers the rest goes to other family members or an estate sale.
What you are feeling is absolutely normal and nothing about which to be ashamed. You simply gave to your mom until YOU were empty..and it takes a while to fill up that empty bucket of emotion.
It's not unusual to feel a kind of 'anger' when you make such a huge change in a LO's life.
If throwing things out makes you feel better, then do it. It's ALL just 'stuff'. My mom has a TON of stuff she has carefully labeled (and re-labeled over and over) naming the person she wants to give it to. I honestly can say she doesn't have ANYTHING that I want. But my name is on some stuff--so when she passes, I will 'pass along' the things that do not spark joy in me.
You speak of being in the 12 step program for co-dependency and now that's like you never did it in the first place, right?
Maybe a refresher course? I know my therapist was really good at keeping me in the moment and doing a lot of 'self esteem' building exercises. A big part of my therapy was working through my mother's narcissism and her allowing me to be severely abused by an OB. She knew it was going on and did NOTHING to 'save' me. She denies to my face that it happened, but it happened to my YS, YB and countless other kids. I will not have any kind of closure on that before she dies, so it's up to me to figure it out.
I have been able to completely control the amount of time I spend with my mother, and I have gone over a year, never speaking to her.
You can do that--if it feels healing. If not, then find a way to set boundaries with her. Maybe you need some talk therapy. Maybe you need time. Maybe you just need someone to tell you that it's OK to feel what you feel.
You'll be 'raw' for a while, but you'll heal. You sound like a very loving, caring individual and you will find your way into a new and healthier relationship with your mom.
Best of luck in this transition!!
You have dealt with a LOT with your mom. I can totally understand getting rid of stuff you thought you would always keep. IMHO, those are just things and I could care less. I do look forward to when mom moves out of my house and I can get rid of things I am keeping here for her and displayed initially to make her feel like this was her house too (before the dreaded dementia came banging on our door). There is very little I will keep for the long term. Only the things that I really like and not due to emotional attachment.
I'm sorry to say this but if you had to spend 4 months with her - I am surprised that she is in AL. I am also surprised that you are paying for it. Can you really afford that??? It's expensive! Plus you have yourself to take care of and to save for your retirement!! If she does not have money, please consider shifting her to a nursing home that accepts Medicaid. If you're loaded and can easily afford her care, then she is lucky to have you! If you're bankrupting yourself, you need to put an end to that ASAP.
It's time for you to pamper yourself with some self-care to restore yourself! How about a spa day? A massage? Anything you love doing that you have put on hold? Do it! You are the only one looking out for you, so make it happen.
Best of luck!
I totally get wanting to purge all things related to mom at this point. It is the only thing you can control.
With all her problems it sounds like a nursing home and not assisted living would have been the way to go. Sounds like you are in dire need of a month long break or more from mom all together.