Dad's 90, suffering from depression, dementia and other issues, was in IL, now in in AL several states away from me. His 70-yo stepdaughter, who has health issues, looks after him since his wife, her mother died about 3 years ago, leaving him lonely and devastated. He attemted suicide a couple of weeks ago and is somewhat stable now, though emotionally fragile. I understand he is back in the AL facility on the mental care floor, which is a lockdown area as he is high-risk, but he is not confined to a single room, which is good as he's a bit claustrophobic. My anguish lies in the fact that I can't get away to go see him, probably not ever. It's been 4 years since I was last out to see him and I have stayed in touch by phone. But I am now several states away, raising two teens in a household that include a working husband and his 90- yo mother plus a dog, several cats and a flock of hens. MIL can't manage on her own. Oldest teen attends academy and boards away at school. The other child is a 12-yo boy, useful, follows directions but doesn't cook or plan meals, and running the household would be a bit much for 90-yo Granny. I'm needed here, in short, and Dad probably would not know if I was there. But I can't help feeling torn and sad. I miss my Dad, and it feels as if he's gone already. I feel he won't last long, there will be no memorial service at his request, and I've probably already said my last goodbye and I love you. So I'm sad, I'm grieving, and if anyone can tell me how to handle these feelings, or just want to pray for me, that would be nice. Dad did not believe in God or an afterlife, just oblivion, as far as I know, though I am a Christian, which makes it kind of hard. I'm afraid I won't get to share an afterlife with him and I was looking forward to doing some fishing and hiking and camping with him in the earth made new in our new bodies.... but I haven't given up, I am still praying for him! God is good and as long as there is life there is hope. Thank y'all for letting me vent and weep, you're an awesome bunch of folks.
Just proves again that our God hears and answers prayer, and His name is Wonderful! Still praying for Dad's conversion so that he may enjoy *eternal* life, but am thanking God for the answer to that prayer as well, bc I know I am asking in accordance with His will and that's one of the conditions for answered prayer!
i want to give you validation for making the right decision for yourself, sympathy for your loss, much hope for the future in all your endeavors, blessings for you and your family, and inner peace and contentment forever.
Continue to go forward secure in your own decision making and reasoning. Stand firm always. You have a good head and heart.
In faith,
Charlotte
May God grant you and your family strength and grieving mercies during this hard time.
Is your husband holding up okay?
I'm so sorry that you are not able to go to see him. Could your step sister do face time w/you and him?
I will pray for you to have some peace.
Yes, it is your dad.
Dont ever stop praying for him, and for you; not now, not when he leaves this earth, not afterwards. Do you know about Saint Monica, mother of Saint Augustine? She prayed, and prayed, and prayed, never ceased, and what did she get in return? Her son converted into one of the most valuable man consecrated to our Lord, I think he was called “ the child of many tears” the tears of his mother for years for his conversion, that were all returned to her and to him, as blessings.
So always pray for your dad, dont ever get discouraged. Have an strong faith!
Now, I completely understand what you describe about you being needed in your home, completely understand.
Yet, what do YOU need?
if you were to put aside your obligations, would you want to go see him? I think so.
Sometimes we tie ourselves up, thinking there is a no possible solution an that everything would completely fall apart without us. But most of the time, it is not so true, nothing really falls apart in a couple of days, and we all, every member of our family and society have our own needs that should not be ignored, specially important ones, like this need you have to see him.
If I were you I’d stop looking at all you have around you and your obligations, and make the decision of going and seeing him at least once, for a couple of days. Trust me, life will continue somehow. Look for resources, help sometimes is available and we don’t see it or don’t look for it.
Go see your dad,because like you said,
it is your dad
And don’t do it out of guilt, or fear that he will go any time, do it simply out of love. I am sure even if he doesn’t recognize you, it will be a great meaningful experience that will bring you peace.
May God bless you and give you the clarity and enlightenment you need!
I am a great believer in the power of prayer, and in the willingness and power of God to guide us according to His will. I am convinced that He impressed me with the conviction that I not go, and gave me peace in the matter, although many urged me strongly that I should go.
On Tuesday of last week my MIL, who was an important and integral member of our household, was killed in a car accident. We buried her today.
All I can say is, I am so glad I was here.
It is now even more impossible for me to leave. But my Dad remains, and will remain, as always, constantly in my prayers. And I am still at peace about it. God has power to reveal Himself to him, whether I am there or not. God does not need me to preach the good news of salvation to my Dad. He has heard it all before! What he needs is the Holy Spirit shed abroad in his heart, to cultivate that "measure of faith" that is given to ALL men, according to Scripture. I cannot be in two places at one time, but God can be everywhere! 😊💖🙏 He's got this!
This morning my MIL, who has lived with us, was killed in an auto accident. This, of course, changes everything. I absolutely cannot leave now. As you indicated, we do the best we can, make the best coices we can and then live with them. I am at peace with my choices. Thank you so much.
Now, a few years later, I am so grateful I went to see him. I had to leave my mildly autistic son, my 17 year old daughter, my demented mother, and my dog to get along with my sister and a neighbor looking in on them. They did just fine. I got the closure I needed and so did my dad. I cannot stress how important that is.
I'm not sure what my dad's religious beliefs were at the time he passed. He was raised Catholic during the 30s and 40s in a small parish where the priest's word was law. After his mother had a falling out with the priest, they transitioned to the Episcopal faith. Dad was a "wild child" and didn't spend as much time in church as he did making mischief. I know his heart was kind and he did good things for people all his life. I have no trouble believing he found a place in Heaven, that I will see him again someday and we can enjoy each other's company in a way others never allowed us to do.
Find a way. Go to your father and get some closure. You won't regret it.
I’m sorry to add to your burden but from what you’ve posted I hope that you have resources in line in case something should happen to you...
And, I want to encourage you to take extra special care of yourself. It does sound like your family depends heavily on you so it just won’t do for you to risk your health taking care of everybody else. Mental and physical health.
While you sound very calm about your situation I hope you are enjoying life as it is and happy to get up every day. I’m not being mean or facetious. I wish joy to everybody in their lives.
I feel for you in you’re grieving for your dad. As someone else said here be sure to do whatever you need so you won’t have any regrets when it’s too late.
Charlotte
In regards to your verses Matt. 3:15,Jesus was baptized., as an example to us. Luke 23:43- the thief on the cross, no one knows his past it could be that he was baptized under Johns baptism. Or it could be a case of the Lord having mercy on him. We truly do not know.
Again this will be my last post and I am truly sorry for having offended you. Again, I just thought this was a discussion. I wish you the best, I hope you get to see your Dad.
James 2:26, James 2:19, Matthew 28:18-20,Acts 2:38,Acts 22:16, Galatians 3:27, John 3:3-5, Romans 6:4
Of course babies that die are exempt. One must understand. And babies don't.
And only God is judge not us, but we can learn what He expects from us.
And the only exception is that He will have mercy upon whom He will have mercy on.
But I do not want to take that chance if I would be one He would have mercy on.
This is such a critical subject to have opinions on, one must view the facts and decide on there own. But we all get the same facts to base our decision on. It is just choosing to believe and receive it as truth, or dismiss it as fable. It's our choice.
My dad passed 14 years before my mom. She was a Catholic, and believed in an afterlife. In her final year or two, she had dreams that dad had forgotten about her and wasn’t waiting for her anymore. I believe they are together now.
If you believe that your father believes wrongly, that doesn’t change the truth. People think what they think. They can’t help it. Faith is a gift, and not everyone receives it.
Babies obviously will go straight to heaven.
Of course, you’re sad. If you want to see your dad though, go see him if it’s possible for you to have someone you know (family members) or hire help to look out for your family at home. Cook ahead or leave instructions as to what to cook and other tasks.
After my uncle’s suicide attempt,
the following morning I was at his bedside. I saw the bandage on his wrist but didn’t know that he attempted suicide the night before my visit.
The nurse came over to me. quite distraught and rudely said to me that my uncle gave them a lot of trouble by trying to kill himself. I was close to my uncle. He never married, no children and I was like a daughter to him (he was my dad’s brother).
I was so taken aback by what she said that I couldn’t even respond. I stood there in shock. My poor uncle was so embarrassed about her telling me what he had done. I simply picked up his hand, held it gently and told him that I loved him and I understood that he was tired of suffering.
I didn’t think any less of him. People don’t see it as leaving others behind when committing suicide. They are trying to escape what they feel as unbearable pain. They deserve compassion. I was so upset with that nurse who tried to shame him.
By the way. he grew up in a strict religious family and he chose not to follow any religion as an adult. Everyone in the family respected his decision. During hospital stays the chaplain would stop by and visit and my uncle did not develop a relationship with clergy.
He was a kind man. He had his flaws like all human beings but a good person who was close to family and his beloved dogs.
He donated his body to science. My family did do a memorial service but he didn’t say one way or another what to do. I think the service gave my parents closure. He had been sick for such a long time. He suffered greatly.
Personally, even as a Christian I would never even try to read the mind of God. Not everyone in this world is Christian. I respect people of any faith or no belief in anything. They have the right to believe or not believe.
There are many people in the world with various beliefs. Do we live moral lives? Are we kind to each other? There are people who don’t believe in any God or higher power but they are kind, moral individuals.
There are wonderful Christians and there are so called Christians who are awful human beings. I don’t think any of us have all of the answers. Bottom line, we are not the judge of others.
I’m not going to stress about if Buddhists or Hindus or any other non Christian person will be in ‘heaven’. They have their own beliefs.
I try to live by example rather than preaching. If someone wants to know something they will ask. Then an answer can be given as to how you feel about that particular topic.
Just accept your dad and love him for who he is. You may not know what is deep down in his heart or if he has ever felt judged or condemned by ‘well meaning or mean spirited’ Christians.
You don’t know every account of his life. He doesn’t have to tell all of his secrets or pain. May be too hard to express. That generation didn’t talk about things. I didn’t learn certain things about my father until he was an old man. Then the pieces of the puzzle all fit together. I let him speak first. I actually misunderstood my father when I was young, like many of us do with our parents.
I suspect my uncle had some deep past pain regarding religion because his upbringing was so rigid.
His family were good people but things were done differently back in the day. Bible scriptures were taken so seriously that my dad had to pick his own switch off of a tree to be beaten with, according to the ‘spare the rod’ belief.
I hope you all can understand that I have been in a state of turmoil since I got the news about my Dad. For him to make an attempt on his life is just completely out of character with the man I have always known my Dad to be. The idea just shook me to the roots of my being.
The shock has faded somewhat, leaving me with a feeling of profound sadness. I wish I could go back and live my life over again, savoring every moment. I wouldn't do anything different. I'm grateful for every precious memory, and how many people can say that? Thank you all for your support.
I don't think you have any doubt that, in an ideal world, your father would very much like to see you?
Visiting him would be a hefty logistics project but it's not as if we're talking about a major or lengthy or risky disruption to the family.
It's mainly in the planning. You organise each day's clothing, with labels, and the worst that can happen is you get back and find nobody's changed his t-shirt for five days. Cook and freeze casseroles ready for the microwave - less work than chopping an onion. Paper plates, if need be. Between them, they will manage.
Is your son at school? Does he have a support team or friends who could help out?
Nobody can afford to make herself indispensable. The time may, will come when you have no choice but to be unavailable. You too may fall ill or be injured - God forbid, but it does happen to families all the time.
Perhaps this could be a timely nudge to look around you and find out what support you might call on if you ever need to. Could you ask another family member to come and stay? Are you in touch with any support networks who might know of respite services?
Would it be completely out of the question to take your son with you?
The "anguish" or sorrow I am feeling, I believe, is just the grieving process setting in. My mother (from whom I was estranged) passed away several years ago, and I have buried two siblings and a husband. It doesn't get any easier. The world is getting to be a lonelier place without some of these people in it.
So I guess I'm just having a little pity party over it.
My boy is 12, not 15. He is ADHD and autistic. I have to remind him to brush his teeth and other simple chores. My husband is also, I suspect, a little autistic. He couldn't cook an egg if his life depended on it. My MIL is no longer as strong as she used to be and has to take a nap after chopping an onion. I just can't put the burden on her there would be if I left.
The truth is, my family here needs me, and my Dad really does not. He is being cared for. I miss him terribly. My sorrow comes from realizing that to all intents and purposes, he is already gone from me. I have no regrets in the sense that we have had a good relationship. He has always known that I love him, though he was not a man you could get really close to. He was not a warm, affectionate man with anyone. But I knew him to be a good an honorable man. I admired and respected him. He taught me how to fish and to always do my best. I will miss him.
I didn't come here for advice or blame but for support and encouragement. I know a lot of you are mourning the loss of parents and loved ones while they are still alive. It's a difficult, sad and painful journey. But if we encourage each other, hopefully we can get through it together.
As for the other, nobody's condemning anybody, or at least I'm not. I see I have to tread lightly here because it's not a religious discussion forum, but I just want to say I do not believe my Dad (or anybody else) is going to burn in an everlasting fire because he has rejected God.
I realize this is very different from what most mainstream Christians believe. Is there a discussion forum for this sort of thing?
I feel you want to see dad one more time. That's absolutely normal. You can make this happen--maybe with some help from neighbors if you are a bit concerned about granny being left alone--but a 15 yo boy and his dad should be able and willing to make this last wish of yours come true.
And whether or not your dad is an atheist is not up for discussion. We all have our beliefs as to what happens after death. Personally, I believe everyone goes home to that God who created you. Really, how many BILLIONS of people have lived and died and have never HEARD of Christ, much less believed in or followed him? Rest easy on that, let go and let God.
You will feel calmer accepting dad's passing if you have had the final moments with him.
Bless you.
meals but your husband can. I too am not understanding why you can’t go see your dad? Your husband can take care of the household for a few days. If you are worried about them eating, make meals ahead of time that only have to be warmed up.
Sending up a prayer.