throwaway101 Asked July 31, 2024
I think I'm experiencing burnout. How can I take care of it if I can't leave the apartment as my grandmother needs supervision 24/7?
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Context. My grandmother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and dementia early in my teenage years. My mother took me out of school to homeschool me because my grandmother has a aggressive personality, doesn't recognize anyone and she needs constant care and supervision. I am now in my 20's, I have been my grandmother's primary caregiver because my mother works and is only home on weekends.
I feel like I'm not doing well and I'm snapping at them more and more, getting angry and crying all the time. I don't have the space or ability to go anywhere to unwind.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you cope? We're not in the US so don't recommend any help services, I'm just looking for advice, not organizations. Thanks a lot.
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Short term, just disappear the minute mom gets home from work, or on the weekends. I suggest volunteering at a pet shelter or a place with volunteers mostly your age who are female so you learn how to interact with people your age. Or get a weekend job. Avoid romantic entanglements.
I very much agree with Peggy Sue that the military may give you a real option for saving your life. It will
A) remove you from the situation, and preclude your mother's getting her hands on you.
B) Keep you removed and protected while providing you with an education and opening you to the world at large while providing you with education and skills that will foster independence.
C) During your years of service give you a good way of staying out of your captor's reach while at the same time giving you direction and protection while you raise your head up and look around at the world.
D) Provide you with solid community, guidance, healthcare and therapy.
I ordinarily would not recommend the military to most people. In this unique instance I think it could be a "godsend".
The very thought of a mother who would do to her child what your mother has done to you is--to me--horrifying. I wish you the very best and a safe escape. You have mentioned that you have no certificate of graduation from school and are "in another country". I can only say reach out to the military in that country. Your lack of any graduating certificate has not prevented your being one of the most articulate and well-spoken correspondents on this site; you will be accepted and you will receive the education required, would be my guess.
You ALSO, due to the caregiving you have done are a very qualified care-giver. It would be my guess that you would be hired in any caregiving facility in any country just about on the spot, and from there friends would help you.
You say that this grandmother is 78. Well, one way to look at it is that she has twenty more years left to her. You would be what then? About 40, without education, and with a mother who will be glad to replace your grandmother in all her neediness.
You would be better in a homeless shelter than staring down the barrel of the life they have designated for you, I am thinking, especially--as I said--given your exceptional articulate and communicative skillset.
Edit: I write like this using a translator, if anything. I understand English, but my grammar is not the best and I can't write in English without it. My native language skills at the middle school level at best.
I didn't know this information, thank you very much. I will try to look in that direction and search for all possible information about it. The army here is terrible judging by the talk of the recruits, but maybe my skills as a caregiver could be very useful in finding a job.
Edit 2: My earlier responses are based on the fact that I didn't know that it was possible for foreign citizens to join another country's army. Sorry for misunderstanding :)
You've acknowledged that you are in a situation dangerous to your ongoing mental and physical health. You can't help your grandmother if your own health is failing. Although more is needed than weekend/evening outings, those may be opportunities to engage with others who may show you possibilities that won't leave you damaged or disillusioned.
And what about grandma, is her behaviour out of frustration and boredom? If not, are there medications that can calm her? Would SHE like to go out for a walk? Would it be safe? What does her doctor recommend?
This whole situation is a new level of wrong . You should not be asking how to take care of this , you should be asking how to run away !!
Have you even graduated from high school? It’s deplorable that your mother robbed you of all these years of a normal childhood all the way now into your twenties . I can’t see how you could have any friends being trapped for years at home . Your mother should be put in jail for making a child an underaged caregiver , servant . You are a slave and should be freed from this .
Your mother has you dependent on her , just like a kidnapped child who gets stuck confined with their captor into adulthood , not knowing how to get out of the situation .
You even come right out and say not to suggest any organizations , because you are a brainwashed kidnapped person . Brainwashed that this is your station in life. It’s NOT. Grandma is not your responsibility.
Brainwashed kidnapped people have been known to be out in the community and still don’t ask for help or go to any agencies or organizations or police stations to be freed. This is where you are , stuck thinking you have to stay in this situation. It’s not normal to say please don’t tell me of any services or organizations that would help you.
Your mother is as sick as your grandmother is. Get out. Leave , don’t tell her where you are going. That is my advice to you.
The kidnapping analogy is pretty accurate, indeed.
I would be happy to just leave, but we are in another country (my grandmother has citizenship) I don't even have a piece of paper that I graduated from high school (and I didn't graduate, I need to be in my country to do that). It's impossible for me, even if I by some miracle get the money for a ticket to my country, I will remain homeless as I have no other relatives.
There is a reason why someone stays in this nightmare. I keep doing it because I have nowhere else to go, and I know that I'll probably die if I become homeless.
Edit: I want to add that I appreciate the truthful answer, don't get me wrong. I'm just very scared and don't know what to do, not ready to jump headfirst into the unknown.
https://www.aupair.com/en/p-au-pair-for-seniors.php
Please find a way to disentangle yourself. From what you write your mother appears not to care one iota about you. You are only free labor .
'Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm'. I think it's a Hindu saying.
Your Mother may be doing just that. Setting both her & you on fire (so to speak) to keep Grandmother warm.
Find a good time, when she is relaxed is better.
Sit your Mother down & have an ADULT to ADULT talk.
Spell out the reality with kindness but honesty.
1. That the currect plan is not working
2. That a NEW plan is needed.
That any plan needs to work for ALL the people in the plan to be sucessfull. It must allow ALL of you in the plan to get your needs met.
What needs do you have?
* The rights of freedom.
* The dignity to work, earn a living for yourself.
* The opportunity to become independant & all that goes with that.. socialising, a partner, maybe marriage & your own children.
This issue needs to be put on the table as OPEN for discussion. OPEN to new ideas, to new solutions. Open to CHANGE.
Hopefully your Mother hears you. Then, that you begin to work together towards new solutions.
If not, your alternative is to QUIT.
(Which will FORCE your Mom to make changes).
You DO have power here.
It starts with speaking up for yourself.
Recently my mother offered to pay me for caregiving for grandma and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if she's serious or not, I'm waiting for the payday, if she's serious it's at least something, I guess??
How dare you try to guilt trip the OP with the 'grandmother won't be around forever' BS? That's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. I've got news for you. You won't be around forever. Neither will I and neither will any other living thing on earth. That is a fact of life, or should I say the ULTIMATE FACT (I believe DEATH would speak in all capitals like in a Terry Pratchett novel). No one controls this and guilt can't stop it.
Have you ever lived in an abusive situation where you were dependent on your abuser?
If you haven't then you really shouldn't have anything to say because you aren't offering her any real or useful advice.
Telling her to pray isn't going to get her out of the abusive situation she's living in.
Doing whatever she has to without guilt or shame to get away from it will help her. A bit of encouragement also never hurts.
We have no clue, the life they have lived, the government, the laws, or the customs.
It's just way above my head anyways to form any opion on.
My son went to Burma, you can't show the soles of your feet. In Russia they leave babies out to sleep ,in the dead of winter. In Sweden they leave babies outside of the restaurant in strollers.
We don't know what there tradition are.
Yes it sounds utterly horrible, but so does wearing a burka. Or forced marriage, or getting female circumcised