I want to walk away but can’t. What should I do?

AnybodyOutThere: The credit card SHOULD be cancelled, but mom is the enabler. Unless she ceases the handouts to her son, perhaps 'son' can take on the care.

How does your sister feel about what your brother is doing? Does she agree with you? Are you concerned that your mother won't have enough money to last for her whole life? Would your mother be willing to put your sister in charge of her finances? Usually this would be done with a discussion, and if she agrees, also make her POA for financial and medical matters. Then your sister could lock up the credit cards and put limits on them or even change them, and would be the one to pay your mother's bills. Think about why it's bothering you so much and why you feel you have to confront your mother about this. All the best to you and your family.

Become her sole durable POA. Definitely get a new cc card. You are in charge of all her bills with her money. Have a joint checking account with your name and hers on it. Do not put an address on the checks.

It may feel like alot of responsibility but this is the only way to protect her assets. If you are unwilling to do this then yes walk away.

You should preferably have a lawyer prepare the POA. They will have to be assured that she is of sound mind to make this decision. If she is unwilling then tell her you are walking away and all her assets could disappear and there may not be sufficient funds for any care she needs for the duration of her life.

You’re telling my story: mom supplied the money to my professional addict brother. My Boundary Power workbook, by authors O’Neil & Newbold, calls our codependent moms CONTROL ADDICTS and CHIEF ENABLERS because of all they do, all they supply and how they continue to thwart the natural consequences that should come* the addict’s way when they make poor life decisions. Page 37 “Caretaking (of the addict) makes the chief enabler feel important and self-righteous. The family benefits because someone is taking responsibility for things in the home. She will pay the price for her caretaking with physical or emotional illness (which my mom has). Her primary compulsion is to take charge. She is a control addict.”

Then, my mom came across as far from a control addict. If anything, she was BEING controlled. I took offense to the above statement initially but after I thought about it long and hard, this is exactly who my mom is. A codependent control addict who had to intercept and try her best to orchestrate a better outcome from his actions and poor and illegal life decisions. My dad even divorced her because she chose her son over anybody else.

Limit your exposure.

My brother was so difficult to be around, I began to limit my visits with mom to times he was not there. It became a regular late Sunday afternoon thing with us and I feel like the regularity of my schedule sort of trained him like, “this is my sister’s time with mom.” I’d usually take her in my vehicle for a ride around and a drive-thru meal. He’d even limit his intrusive phone calls to her while she was with me, too, as if a fake sacrificial thing rose up in him saying, “I won’t disturb mom at this time; she’s having fun.” His Narcissistic selfish actions were all very textbook. Narcissists are clever—very, but with a little reading, I could predict and plan better. He’s deceased now (due to illegal drugs) and she’s in a nursing home with dementia.

I’m not sure which came first, if the selfish addict behavior parades itself as Narcissism but it’s really not that or if he truly was a Narcissist who had an addiction.

I know it’s hard for you, very hard. I learned that it was okay to take care of me and to guard my peace. (He could trigger anxiety in family members like you wouldn’t believe.) So, I did what worked for me which were the weekly Sundays and taking her away from him and away from home for a little while.

Here’s something ridiculously sickening. Earlier, when I would tell mom “no, because he’s there” or “no, I don’t want to be around him” or I would ask her, “well, will he be there?” It would always anger her. She’d get mad at me and say, “He’s not going to do anything to you!” (Also, “You can come over here to be with me” which came across as her being selfish.) To which I should have responded, “Do you mean like he’s not done anything to you? As if you don’t behave like you have PTSD jumping startled when even a phone rings because of the intense emotional heightenness? Like you don’t pop a nerve pill like they’re candy when you get off the phone with him? Like you try to stay at the theater for a second movie (to kill time) because you dread going back home to him? Is that what you mean mom?” Her adrenal glands are probably shot because she was constantly filled with fight or flight hormones and was actually unpleasant to be around.

*My opinion is that God has a plan for each of our lives but my brother’s plan kept getting intercepted by mom. She, in essence, WAS his God.

Please call the bank and get a new credit card. Please call Adult Protective Service to evaluate her for placement and discuss getting a stay away order on your brother as this sounds like elder abuse.

Perhaps if you get her a card with your name on it (giving her permission to use it), then brother could get fraud charges by using YOUR card.

If Mom can afford to dote on her son, she can afford to hire help. Daughters could let her know they are quitting as of 4 weeks from now and will help her find paid helpers.

Dear AnybodyOutThere: I totally get your anxiety and frustration and WORRY. Aside from the injustice of it all, you may be worried about what happens when your mother passes and there's this giant mess to account for. Well here's a different way to look at it: Not knowing how much $$ your mother has, how about you just let your bro and his wife run up your mother's credit card, max it out, let it all go to he!! in a handbasket. Your mother can make the minimum payments on the credit card....... or not. If your mother lives with your sister or you, her credit score is moot. Don't worry about the credit card. Sad to say, but when your mother passes, if there's an estate left, maybe the credit card gets paid from that. Or maybe it gets paid from your bro's portion of the estate (you could have your mother amend her will to say your bro got his while she was alive!). Or if there's no estate left, then the credit card doesn't get paid at all. It's an unsecured loan. The credit card company will harass you for a while, sell the loan to a collection agency who will harass you for a while, and then it will disappear. Seriously, I've seen this happen. YOU, personally, with your own money, will not be responsible for your mother's credit card debt after she passes. Is it all a great big shame and headache? You bet it is. But if your bro spends all the money, it'll actually make things easier, in a way. (Also, if your mother has a debit card, every time she goes shopping, she should get cash back and stick the cash somewhere safe from your bro so there's money to bury her - speaking from experience!) See me for more helpful hints on out-scamming scamming family members! (you might also want to consult a lawyer!)

The only thing you can do is report a case to Adult Protective Services. However, if your mother is competent, they may not be able to help. People have the right to make bad decisions. That doesn't mean that you have to remain a part of it. Decide on your boundaries with your mother, sister, brother, etc.

Stop thinking you can fix the situation or save anyone. There is a whole lot of dysfunction that can’t be reconciled.

Run, don’t walk. I know you feel guilty and in all likelihood won’t take the advice of the majority of posters here. But it is what you should do. You matter too. Tell your mother to call her son and daughter in law if she needs anything.

Your sister needs to grow a pair and do the same thing.

If they're taking the credit card without her knowledge or permission - is that true? Are you sure she doesn't know? - you can get it cancelled. It's one phone call to the issuer to report the card missing, and one to the police to report theft and fraud.

The beauty of this is that if your mother then claims that she did give them permission to use her card, the card issuer may well close her account because she won't have complied with basic security rules.

But anyway. Your brother has been playing your mother for years and years, it's frustrating, he's a creep, she's an idiot, this seems unlikely to change. But what's the direct impact on you, assuming you just provide what help you can regardless and make a deliberate choice to hold your peace about the money? Why and how is this your problem?

You can go to APS and raise a concern about financial abuse. Because your mother is of sound mind and will make excuses for your brother, APS can't do much; but at least it will all go on record, and in future, should there be allegations which lead further, there can be no question of your or your sister's having neglected to report an issue.

Of course you can walk away, he is her golden child, you and your sister are the scapegoats, just there for servitude.

That will never change, he is her favorite, it is not an unusual circumstance, some women think men are above women, and their boy is the all.

This has been going on long enough, time for you to remove yourself from their toxic relationship. The ball is in your court.

Run or drive away?

This whole thing is a psycho horror show. All you need is Janet Leigh screaming in the shower to scare the pants off of everyone in the audience.

You can quit suddenly by walking off the job and not going back.

Or you can quit in little bits, such as calling your mom only three days a week and then once and then stopping altogether, and then not dropping by to do the work and so on.

But you think that's too mean.

And it's okay if everyone creates a situation that ends up being mean to you.

If you do walk away, your wonderful sister and vulnerable mother will do something besides what they're doing now. They might even kick The Parasites to the curb.

My question is: What are you getting out of this that makes you stay? Why do you not matter but sis and mom and maybe their pet hamster are all more important than you?

Please try to find something fun to do with your time. These people don't deserve the life you're sacrificing on the altar of their dysfunction.

No, I doubt if anyone CAN help, and I think you would be wise to remove yourself from this. Your mother is apparently not judged incompetent by the court? If she were she would have a POA or guardianship to safeguard her funds.
As a competent person she is free to give her funds to whomever she likes. Apparently that is the brother and his wife whose "lies" she "regurgitates".

If your mother is incompetent then this fraud and theft of your brother and wife should be reported to the police and the DA in your district as elder abuse. If your mother is competent she is within her rights to do as she pleases with her money. In that latter case I would wash my hand of this crew. It is up to your sister whether or not she does the same. You can't change others. You can't take care of people who don't want your care (unless they ARE incompetent, in which case you need guardianship and control of the finances before she is robbed of everything).

I am sorry. Not everything can be fixed. Sometimes the best choice you can make is to save yourself.

You wrote this 5 YEARS Ago:

"I have constant simmering resentment toward my non-contributing brothers, who take far more than they give. Mom worries about money constantly and unloads these worries on me, yet continues to let them drain her of all her assets. I have implored her to stop giving them money as it worries her so much, and she answers. "I know I enable them." I feel helpless and frustrated and trapped. I know these emotions are not healthy ones - I feel them eating away at my well being every day. I'm worried about the person I am becoming. "

What's going to happen when Sis dies?

In what way is mom "vulnerable "?
She's playing you and sis like twin fiddles.

If mom is of sound mind, she can give her money away to any scumbag she sees fit to give it to. She can also choose to cancel any cards her son has access to, and stop getting fleeced.

If she chooses to conduct her finances in this manner, and I don't blame you for being po'ed, then tell her to call SONNY BOY for all the help she needs instead of you bc he's being paid handsomely for doing jack chit. Leave her alone to consider the facts here and I'll betcha $100 She has a change of heart somewhere along the line.

Tough love is often the wake up call these elders sorely NEED.

Will your sister join you in standing up to mom?

"We can't do this any longer mom. You care is killing us."

Perhaps she like to go live with one of your brothers?

One of our posters (NHWM) finally stood up to her mom and unhelpful family. Her mom moved in with unhelpful brother.

What followed was perhaps the fastest facility placement is history.

It’s sweet of you to care about your sister. Focus your attention on being helpful to her. You can’t change your mom’s attitude or your brother and sister in law’s behavior, so stop trying.

Please tell your sister about the AgingCare website. She is the person dealing with all of this full time. You are able to walk away from it to get a break.

Best wishes to your family.

If you can't walk away next time you go over do the task you needed to do, like wash the dishes or take your mom to an appointment etc. do only what your mom "needs" you to do and stick to that task and that task alone. If your mom brings something up say something like.

Mother that's none of my business.
Mother that's between you and ____.

If she persist then say something like

Mother I'm not getting into that with you I came over to do _____

Once you finish the task, state that you are finished and go home. You might also want to start limiting the amount of the "mom workload: you do. They are in this toxic loop not you the only way to end this is to stop entering into the loop. You might also want to consider that you are being manipulated too.

I skimmed your past posts. How much longer do you think your sister can continue to work and be your mother's caregiver? Is she stuck because an in-law apartment was built onto her house? I know you also help out a lot.

And your two brothers (one local, one not) don't do a thing. As you recognize, your mother has enabled their attitude. And they both get money from your mother?

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford a facility? In-home help? What is the plan as she needs more and more help?