I was doing good until my mom and her husband needed help, suddenly all these emotions are bubbling over. Any advice?

Great support for you here, Guilttripkid. JoAnn29 gave you a link here on AC that will help you with your guilt. I also encourage you to do a search here (above right is an magnifying glass icon) about narcissistic parents, abusive parents, and so on.

There are unfortunately too many threads of adult children feeling like they're being forced back into caring for abusive parent. Find those threads and read them, then re-read them.

Check with your library for books on dealing with narc or abusive family members and how to protect yourself and find the strength to say, "No." A few books to search for or for those similiar: "Out of the Fog" by Dana Morningstar, or "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Merza.

Take care of you, and please keep us posted!

I would not know what it feels like to have horrible parents, but I know others like you who still managed to do well in life despite bad upbringing. Since it took you years to undo the damage your mother and her husband did to you, I would say that you really should not enter into any sort of funding of their old age. You could from a distance, with the help of your siblings, advise them on how to figure it out themselves. Research for them, give them information, and let them find their own help. You can see that it is already causing you great stress to just think about helping them. Stay strong.

My guess is that the siblings are used to you doing what your mom wants, and they are passing the buck and in a way perpetuating the abuse. "Just say no" and don't budge. You can block them all if they won't stop pestering you about it. You get therapy to deal with your conscience which has been trained to serve the abusers. It needs retraining and cognitive therapy will help you. The support on this forum is very helpful as well. My story is on the "can I make my mother love me" thread as well. You have risen above the evil - don't go back.

No one wants to take on the responsibility for the lives of LOs whom we knew as thriving active witty independent members of society, and now must know as crabby, delicate, clumsy, confused. If such people treated you badly in time gone by, it is even LESS LIKELY that you’ll go all Mother Therese in their old age.

YOUR problem right now IS NOT the guilt arrows being thrown. Your problem is painting the Bulls Eye on your chest and screaming HIT ME. NO ONE can be victimized by guilt if they refuse to accept it. S S SOOOOOOO- stamp the guilt packet “RETURN TO SENDER”!

Financial responsibility is relatively pain free to manage. Have an accountant look over your personal financial assets, determine what is fair and reasonable for you to contribute, then do it. If possible, set up an auto-send from your bank to parents’. No contact, no recriminations, no guilt. AND ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS WAY!

Now, last topic, and very important. You MAY not have actually finished with the feelings that caused you to pull off your escape. If you have one, address the topic with your counselor/advisor/therapist, so that YOU are confident that all of YOUR ducks are in YOUR chosen row. You CAN survive, because you DID, and now you are both older and wiser.

If you meant you are being forced PHYSICALLY to return to parents’ home, and you think you will be guilted if you don’t, review the rules of guilt previously stated. Chances are, siblings will be satisfied that you contribute, although they will also perhaps cluck and complain. As long as they were treated well enough to WANT to participate on the Home Front, let them and ignore them.

GOOD LUCK, and let us know how things work out!

Save your soul and your mind. If you need to be away from them for your own sanity, that's number one. Let the other siblings deal with it.

" they are aging and haven't bothered to prepare financially, it is now up to me and my older siblings to fund their old age."

Why are you the one who thinks you have to move back there? Where are your older siblings?

NONE of you has to fund your parents' old age.

Guilttripkid. One thing I remember about my mother was before and after therapy I could not let her touch me. I just could not stand it. After several years, I finally could touch her, but I couldn't let her touch me. There is a difference. I remember one time, she wouldn't take her walker and she reached out for my arm to help herself up a curb. I shrank away, I just could not stand for her to touch me.

That said, you are not under any circumstances liable for their lack of planning. If someone tries to make you think you "have" to help. Ask them or yourself what would happen if you got into a car accident today and was killed. They would get by somehow. If it is siblings, remember, every kid has a different relationship with their parents. Mine was not near the same as my brother's (the Golden Child). Of course, he couldn't stand mom either and wouldn't help her at all.

Do not spend any of your money taking care of them, like I said, if you died today, they would get by. If there is no one to help them with Medicaid paperwork for example, you could do that. Maybe from a distance with emails, and faxes.

No matter what you do, you will never have the parental love and acceptance that all children deserve, they just do not have it in them. Sort of like blue eyes or color of skin, it just isn't there.

Wrap yourself in Hugs from me and others. We are always available for you. You can always personal message me if you choose to do so. (((Hugs)))

Guilttripkid, did they actually ask you for help? If not, don't volunteer. If they did ask for help and you are having a hard time with staying away, you can help show them what their options are and then let them choose. But don't do anything more. You may need to have a discussion about this with your siblings, so each of you know where the others stand. This is the retirement your parents planned for, so let them have it. Also, you are not responsible for their happiness. May you have peace in your heart to whatever turns their journey takes. Take care of yourself.

Whether you had fabulous parents or terrible parents growing up, funding their old age is NOT YOUR JOB. Period. Funding YOUR old age is your job, that's it! Because one day you will be there and then what? Who will fund your old age? Don't rely on anyone but yourself to do that!!

My suggestion to you is to help your folks find somewhere to live that is within their means, using their limited incomes with SSI or whatever they do get. Low income housing is available, many many seniors make it work without ever dreaming of mooching off of their children!

Then decide how much time you will spend with them once they are situated. Once a week, once a month, whatever. Set down boundaries and rules to follow, in other words, that suit YOU. Because in reality, this isn't about THEM, it's about YOU.

I grew up wanting nothing but to get away from my mother. I wound up moving all over the country and the folks followed me until I moved back East & they couldn't afford it. I had 17 years of blessed peace until 2011 when my dad couldn't drive anymore and I had to move them here. I'm an only child, so there was nobody else to do it. And truthfully, my dad was a wonderful man & I'd have moved heaven & earth for him. It's my mother who's the rotten egg. Anyway, I had them placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip b/c I couldn't possibly care for them in my home. He passed in 2015 & my mother is 93 now & still going strong. I don't pay one penny of my own money for her care, either. When her money runs out next year, I'll apply for Medicaid and get her placed into Skilled Nursing at that time.

Do what you have to do to protect YOURSELF throughout your folks' old age, okay? Think of it that way..........that you're wearing a shield of armor that nothing can penetrate! Set up a list of rules to follow and then stick to it like glue. That will help guide you when you feel torn about what to do for them and what not to do.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I worry (and get annoyed) when replies to questions like this are "Have compassion! Suck it up and do it! It's your mother!". Often people who advise this are trying to make things right in their mind. I think there's two main scenarios with this.

1. Showing their parents that despite their crappy parenting and neglect, that their grown child is a much better person than they were. Here I am, willing to serve. See? I turned out great! I win!

2. Hoping that caretaking will finally make their parents love them and see them for the good person they are. Sure, your folks may have ignored you, neglected you, or said mean things to you, or abused you, or let you be abused, and overall left you with a big mental mess that you spent years to clean up. But hey, nobody's perfect! They did the best they could, right? They didn't really mean all those things, did they? Oh, they couldn't have. They'll see how they messed up and will be sorry when the child steps in, and maybe get a deathbed "I love you".

And 9.99 times out of 10, these outcomes do not happen. Haven't you suffered enough as it is?

I have seen a lot of people, family included, who allow themselves to be absolutely stomped on by others in the name of 'compassion'. If you keep subjecting yourself to someone who is cruel to you, or was cruel and never apologized or acknowledged their cruelty, that isn't compassion. That's fear! You are still the child who is being bullied by someone 3x bigger than you. Gotta keep the peace by keeping them content. You've been gaslit (classic abuser tactic) and it stuck. The "well, maybe I provoked some of it, I wasn't a good kid, I don't know..." feelings.

It's okay to still have that fear. Just have to see it for what it is, and go from there.
If you truly feel helping them would heal your heart, then do it. Just be sure that is the motive. Otherwise its a message to them and you that your feelings and issues just don't matter.

I'm trying to answer but I don't have the words. Please think of yourself, first.
Sometimes life sucks but that's your parents problem, not yours. Here's a big big big hug for you!

No one should or feel they need to care for people who abused them in any way. I believe what goes around comes around. We all learn something in this life. This is now the part where ur parents learn. And you nor your siblings are not required
to give their time or money. What ur parents need to do now is live within their means. If that means downsizing to a Senior apt so be it. They will need to find the resourses available in their community to help them. Calling Office of Aging can get them started.

Here is another new post similar to yours.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-can-i-make-my-mother-love-me-456639.htm

Read what I wrote. If u do help, do it from a distance. No child who has been abused should be a caretaker for their parents.

I think you need to preserve yourself first.

children are never required, in any way, to pay for their parents old age. And certainly not when the parents perpetuated neglect,

the guilt? It is a tool others will try to use against you to get you to do what they want. Divorce yourself from that too. Simply keep replying...no, I must take care of me first. I finally have my life on track..I won’t go back to the bad ole days. Conversation done, And then, Refuse to talk about it.

you implemented no contact before and regained yourself....do it again with anyone trying to use the guilt routine on you.

stay strong, and move forward with your life!!!

It is not your responsibility to fund their old age, if they didn't plan ahead then it is their problem, not yours. There are programs available for the elderly who didn't have the sense to plan for their senior years.

Let them handle this, you can direct them, but it is their responsibility to find a solution. Medicaid may be an option.

Take care of you, don't give up you for them, no one can force you to do anything. Guilt is a self imposed emotion, driven by fear, what do you fear? Sounds like you are suffering from False Guilt, you may want to Google this term.
As long as you embrace guilt you will remain stuck in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key to unlock the door, consider using it and do what is best for you.

Good Luck!

What you describe is similar to my own situation. It must just be my soft heart that caused me to move back to the state that my parents are in and care for them. I was the black sheep of the family and always made fun of and looked down upon. I got a call from my stepdad that my mom was in the hospital and then never heard back. After waiting almost two days I jumped in my van with the clothes on my back and headed back to Ohio. What I found was two elderly people who are not functioning well. I stayed in the home for three months. I put up with my mother yelling at me and not wanting me there. At the same time I was clearing out rotten food from the pantry and the refrigerator as well as dealing with my mother's delusional idea that people were coming in the house and stealing her things. When I researched dementia I realized this was what my mother had. She was being incredibly hateful to my stepdad and making him do all of the work inside and outside of the house. She was going into his personal bank account and taking $400 a week and saying it was for groceries. Later I found out she had opened a new bank account. In my opinion she was stealing from him. When it came time to pay the taxes My step dad did not have enough money and I told her she simply had to help pay.
She had always been a shady woman and very greedy. She was getting worse by the day. My stepfather ended up having a stroke. He basically just fell asleep in a chair and sat there for who-knows-how-long. I had moved out after three months and should not have. After he passed away I chose to quit my job so that I could watch over my mother. I put up with a lot of mean Behavior but I was determined to stand up to her for her own good. She would lose everything if there wasn't someone there to protect her assets. My only sibling did not believe there was a problem. When my sibling finally saw the problem she was still unavailable. My sibling was much like my mother and that she is selfish and self-centered. All the work was put on me. I cared for my mother, her home, and all of the yard work. It was physically and mentally demanding. After three and a half years I knew it was time for Mom to go to a nursing home. I am still in charge of this huge house and all of its contents. My sister continues to live her life and only popped in a few times to help pack things up and then started getting greedy wanting many expensive items. I put a stop to that and scheduled an appointment with the attorney. Why did I do all of this? I guess it's just the compassion in my heart because my mother was in a weak and vulnerable point in her life. Like I said she would lose everything. Fake Charities were calling and she would always give them money. Her own friend and Financial Manager tried to steal tens of thousands of dollars. My mother worked very hard all of her life . She might have been a crappy mother to me but she did work hard for what she had.
You are not obligated to help your parents but you have to think about whether someone else will. This is a human life. If you are the only one that can help, then try to suck it up and do it. Get power of attorney and then put them in a nursing home if you can't deal with them.

Why do you think that it's your job to fund their own age? It was THEIR job to plan for their own old age, not yours.

I don't think you should feel any guilt at all.