My sister lives 1 hour from my mother who has dementia and I live 1200 miles away. I have just discovered that she has not been telling me the truth about the decline of my mother’s health. When I would call and talk to her sometimes my mother seems better and then sometimes she was not. When I would ask my sister about it she always made an excuse. It’s late, she’s just tired today. She’s not on her normal schedule. My sister always made all these excuses when I went to see my mother and I was questioning the way she seemed to be acting.
Now all of a sudden my sister calls and says we need to put her somewhere. I have been trying to get my mother to come and live with me since her diagnosis. My mother would say not yet, I don’t want to leave my home. She seemed fine then and capable of sections and taking care of herself. Later when I would say something to my sister, my sister would say she is my reason for living, you aren’t going to want to take care of her in the way she is going to need when she starts declining. When I found out my sister was spending my mothers money freely and some was missing I said she needed to get a part time job, my mother was supporting her and had been for years, I said my mother needs her money for herself. So she went out and got a full time job and now says she can’t go see her, she feels good about her money situation now and we just need to put her somewhere. She is declining fast and needs help. I said where did this come from all of a sudden, and she said that’s just the way it happens! I am very confused and hurt and I don’t know what to do now. Please give me opinions. I am just in shock. How does a family member do something like this? I fear now my mother is so confused in her mind, that it will be hard to move her to a new house and she will be very upset.
Does your mom have a regular doctor? Has been tested for infections, vitamin deficiencies, dementia, etc.? Is she mobile?
If you visit in the home for a few days, you should be able to get an idea of how your mom is doing. Perhaps, attend a doctor's appointment together to see how her health is, chat with the neighbors and her friends. Depending on that, you can come up with some options. If she has cognitive decline, it's not likely that she will admit it and say she wants to move to AL or MC. She will likely say she's fine and can live alone. No matter how dire the situation, seniors often think they are invincible and capable of self care, even when it's clear that they are not. Sometimes, they may be unhappy, regardless of where they are living. If you decide to move her into your home, I'd read a lot about what might be in the future. If you sister is saying that she needs help in a facility, I'd be prepared for that possibly being true.
You can view videos on line by Teepa Snow (You tube) Also read the book The 36 Hour Day.
This is really hard stuff. You've got family dynamics, distance, changing circumstances & lots of emotions working on you right now.
Keeping mom safe is the most important thing from this point on. Whether that means having someone come in, moving her to an assisted living situation, or making changes in your own life now, these are just some of the things you will need to face and deal with. Whatever you do, it will mean changes for your family, that's just the way it is.
Get your FMLA approved, go see your mom, take some time and figure out next move. Know that if you choose to involve yourself, this may go on for a very long time.
I wish you the very best, much strength and wisdom to deal with this very difficult situation. There are many of us in the same boat. Use this forum.....
I would call my step mother and ask how she and Pops were doing and she would say "Peachy Keen", then I would press as ask specific questions about a doctors visit and she would say that the doctor didn't tell them anything. Not true. You may ask why I didn't talk to Pops directly, well, he is nearly deaf and uses a teleprompter device, long lag time, very difficult to communicate with him on the phone. They lived 2,000 miles from me,
My brother & I moved them near us and they are now in AL, working out great and we are on top of the medical issues.
I can understand your sisters motive, she is most likely in the burnout phase, unless one has been a full time caretaker there generally is little understanding of what it actually entails and how stressful and time consuming it really is.
Placing her in a home is not the end of the world, in fact in many cases it is very helpful to the senior as they will be with people their own age, make new friends, enjoy the activities and have 24/7 care. Isolation is not good for an elderly person.
Your sister has been in the trenches for years and phone conversations about how things are going are not the same as daily contact. You told your sister to go get a job and stop leeching off your mother, which she did. What I see is that your mother's decline has been gradual and steady and that your sister was propping her up much more than you realized and in ways she can no longer sustain. If your sister is so close to your mother that she feels like "she is my reason for living" she's not likely to assist you in moving her 1200 miles away, she wants to find her appropriate care where she can still be near. The only disconnect I see is the relationship between you and your sister.
Is anyone the Durable or Medical POA?
This terrible situation sounds like you need to fly there for several days and meet with a lawyer to set up an emergency guardianship for your mother with you in charge, and then file for regular guardianship so you can keep your sister from getting anymore money.
and before you have your mom move in with you, please take the time to research on this forum the toll it will take on you physically, emotionally and financially.
I am torn between the need to take care of my mother myself and getting her help to come in several hours a day or moving her to a facility.
I thank you for telling me to search on here to see what full time caregiving is. (My sister doesn’t even know what this is because she hasn’t been doing it, she is saying it needs to be done and now is bowing out) my mother is not social so won't participate or think living in a facility is a positive move.
any suggestions on which forums to read? I must not have something set up right and haven’t done forums before, because I had a hard time finding your answer. Thanks for replying. What do you think about having someone come in right now to set with her, she won’t like that either, but I am not sure at what stage you decide they need to go to facility?
it is just a very odd and hard to explain situation. It’s like my sister ran me off saying you can’t do it and I can, and when I cut the money off paying all her personal bills. She is washing her hands of it, because it’s not a benefit to her. I have lost years I could have been with my mother and seen her condition.