I'd like to hear more about the caregivers facing old age and losing their independence.

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I'd like to hear more about the caregivers facing old age and losing their independence.

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I've been through the parent caregiving phase and was very lucky that my mother was very easy to care for. She was by no means independent, but in four years she never gave me a minutes' worth of trouble. The worst time was when she had a UTI, but that was it. I'm really worried about what is going to happen to me. I don't have anyone to care for me or know when I need care. I'm really scared.

Care Plan Healthy Aging Living Independently

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ClaraKate gave an excellent response.
Get your legal needs in order.
So much depends on your income / ability to pay for care.
* Fear now or feeling scared means you need to educate yourself of what you need to do - to lessen the fear. Certainly, it is no fun thinking of being alone as we / you grow older. Many of us, me included, are in that boat.
* I believe it is healthy in many ways to create networks, social networks 'now' to have in place as you age. Develop friendships and trust - although you cannot depend on these people to help you as you age and need assistance, they may be able to refer and offer some support.
* If you can afford to hire a caregiver, you are in good shape - as many people cannot afford this type of care. You can hire through an agency or direct (independent contractors).
* I sense that your fears have more to do with being alone as you age vs. getting care (that you can / could pay for).
You've asked a good question here - as many people will relate to it. I think about it all the time, more or less. A senior community is likely the best place to be, with levels of care, if you can afford it.
Gena/Touch Matters

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You are wise to think ahead. I'm 80. I have no husband and no children so maybe I can give you a few tips.
When I got to the point that I had difficulty managing my home ( I had to hire lawn care, some household repairs and all heavy housework... after 3 surgeries) I knew I would have to do something else soon. I had a few good friends. Their husbands helped some, but they were aging, too!

But let me tell you... when and if you quit driving (face it, you may have to, at some time) don't count on your friends who drive to take you places. They say they will. Maybe they intend to...but your lives and theirs start to take different directions. They get busy. And you don't want to inconvenience them.

A good experiment is to keep an accurate record for several weeks of every time you drive somewhere, and the reason for the trip. Subtract Dr. appointments and grocery shopping! The reason for that is, if you move into an Independent Living Facility for Seniors, (which I highly recommend) they will provide transportation for medical appointments, some shopping for grocery items, and occasional outings for entertainment. You will have to adjust to their schedule, however. They usually have exercise classes, movies, art and crafts if you are interested.

The reason I'm in favor or renting an Independent Living apt. in a seniors facility is that you manage your own apartment, laundry, personal and business affairs, but meals are furnished. You can keep your car. You have a kitchen and can cook if you desire. But you don't need to if you don't feel like it.
If you are ill, they will bring food to your apartment, on a temporary basis. They provide all utilities (except maybe TV) and necessary repairs. They can advise you (along with your Dr.) if you need physical therapy or temporary nursing assistance.

You make friends who remember the music you liked when you were young, the crazy things you did as a kid, what was "in" when you were in high school. Who was president and when. They don't have an "electronic-based" vocabulary, but some can probably help with your computer, I phone OR even your hearing aids (if needed)!

You make new friends close to your age. You may not think that's important, but though you will probably keep some younger friends, you have others, close to your age, to help and advise you re: adjustments to aging. You can start looking at places now, checking prices etc. even if you don't need them yet.

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"move into an Independent Living Facility for Seniors, (which I highly recommend) they will provide transportation for medical appointments, some shopping for grocery items, and occasional outings for entertainment."

In Marin County, some senior facilities require a 'life-time' one time contribution of $10,000+ to have access to transportation. It is important a person check out the amenities and charges.

Perhaps where you live, there is no initial payment for transportation. It is different everywhere.

Gena / Touch Matters

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ljnanchy: Imho, while it's great that you're thinking ahead for yourself, it's of PARAMOUNT importance not to dwell on it as you may make yourself ill, unknowingly. As you do not have any details in your profile page, I am unable to see your age and other things. As for me, 2021 was not a good year as I developed a condition of near fainting and adjusted my life accordingly (no operating a motor vehicle, of course) and other things. I just turned 75 years of age. My own late mother, who was a legally blind women, lived alone in her own home until she suffered a significant drop in blood pressure, requiring me to move in with her seven states away from my own home. She died today, January 24 in 2014 at the age of 94. Best wishes.
Llamalover47

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At 84 I can still do a lot for myself, but need more help than I did, and that will only progress with time. I worked till age 73 and planned my finances years ago to support me in a long old age as we are a long lived family. I have adult children but don't want or expect much from them. They have their own lives. I have a partner who helps and I will hire the rest. My plan was to go into a assisted living at some point but covid has caused me to re-examine that. Fortunately in Canada, where I live, assisted living facilities through to nursing homes are affordable to all. But with pandemics they may not be the best option, if there are others. Time will tell.

You have been given some good advice. It would be good to sit down with someone with expertise (Agency for Aging etc.) and make a plan for yourself. I think that will help to deal with your fears. (((((((hugs)))))

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I feel your heart. No brothers or sisters. I have 2 married sons that I would never ask for help. A stepdaughter that I don't think she would do anything unless her dad was involved after 20 plus years. I just placed my mom in a nursing home. I visit almost daily. When I'm there, I pray, God please take me .... please don't let me end up here. My mom and I have never had a mother daughter relationship. She needed meds but would not take them as directed. Now after 58 years she is nice to me. I strive daily not to be like her......so I understand

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Ask an attorney, ask elder services . . . how about asking God? If you have no family, find a church family/counseling/therapy. Pray, meditate, clear your head. People love to tell you horror stories. Remember they are just stories and may not necessarily happen to you. Of course, do as much planning as you can, but remember who's really in charge. ❤ 🙏

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Plan well for yourself. Establish a living will and a healthcare power of attorney. Also set up a power of attorney, a will and trust, and establish an executor to handle your affairs. This can be a friend, relative, or attorney. Go ahead and make a decision about long term care. Make a choice now about the in home agency of your choice, as well as a long term care facility should you become too much to manage at home, and document and communicate these choices with your POA and/or executor. It seems daunting, but it is far better to do this now that burden your family with the expense of a guardian and conservatorship later, and also far better than becoming a ward of the state. My husband and I had an attorney do the paperwork for us, and it was relatively inexpensive (about 2,000)

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Investigate Caregiving Agencies in your community. If you are not able or willing to move to an appropriate CC facility, you may need to arrange hired help for yourself in your home. You also need to hire people for any maintenance and repair to your home you cannot do yourself. Don't panic. Consider what you might need help with and look for options for that help. Grocery shopping? Transportation? Lawn mowing? 24/7 home health care? You will feel calmer as you learn about community possibilities for assistance you might need. Review these options from time to time; resources may change. If you ever do need some of these services, at least you won't be starting your research from scratch.

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You are not alone in those thoughts. All I can do is try to plan ahead concerning finances. But obviously, that planning depends on clarity of thought till the end. Honestly, I don't know the answers myself. I do have a son in his 40's but as some others find themselves, he is not reliable enough to make decisions for me and in fact, sadly, any he would make would be with his best interests in mind. I am considering an irrevocable trust which has pros and cons..pros being protection from Medicaid recovery after death and Medicaid calculations before death but for benefits, which is to say, it levels the "fairness" field in regards to Medicaid considerations for those who have assets and those who do not. The very serious con is you can revoke it, take it back, and someone you have designated as trustee has control of your assets. You no longer "own" anything. The time to consider such an arrangement is now. If you have little or no assets you can simply assign your health care decisions to someone in the event you are not capable. Google trusts and irrevocable trusts, Medicaid financial considerations etc. Your question is one that many of us are dealing with right now. I've had to make SO many decisions for my sister in AL with dementia that it is often questions like yours that cross my mind. Who will do things for me and there are no cookie cutter answers. One more thing, protect your health, stay active/mobile. Stay engaged with others. Take care of yourself now.

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Edit op is too short..on that sentence about irrevocable trust, it should have read "The serious con is you CAN "NOT" revoke it, take it back. As the word irrevocable implies, it is more than implication, its the rule and it could be regrettable. Wish I could edit after leaving the page.

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Do your due diligence while you're able and start looking around to find a place you where would be happy living. Visit the communities, talk to the staff and talk to the residents. Don't wait until you have an emergency such as a stroke or something else that would require a state appointed guardian to decide where to place you. At the very least designate a close friend or other relative to be your Power of Attorney. If you are proactive and take these initial steps and have a plan I think your anxiety will lessen greatly. When my father had his stroke we had to find somewhere for him to live in a two week time period. He had no plan. After the stroke he did not have the mental ability to participate in these decisions. A positive result of this was that his monthly bills were reduced from 12 (mortgage payment, homeowner's insurance, utilities, car insurance, groceries, etc) to 2, just rent and meds. Much less stress and responsibility in making all of those payments and no worries! Everyone who has provided care has been delightful, all very caring and attentive. Ask someone to be your POA, talk to an elder care attorney (most of them offer free consultations) and write down your wishes. There are very good communities for assisted living and memory care now. I think you will be surprised.

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Not sure where elder care attorneys provide free consultation. Others have said this too. But in my town, they do not. And the one we used, recommended by many others, charges $600 per hour.

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You know the old saying don’t worry the devil til the devil worries you i wouldn’t give it head space just now as you might be ok as you get older try and stay positive and keep as healthy as you can meantime worry about it when and if it happens

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I am going to respond to this issue above in the question raised on today's forum but I have one word of advice and please, please, pay attention and listen. NEVER EVER NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU WAIT 'UNTIL IT HAPPENS' - never, ever! While you are hopefully of sound mind and good physical condition, when nothing is wrong, is when you must stop and think of every possible situation that MIGHT PRESENT ITSELF - even the worst scenarios. Don't get scared, get smart. Take each one of those situations and think and plan what if this or that happened. You must do investigative work depending on the issues and you must plan for all outcomes and then you have to pick out your best options as to what you would do if that particular thing happened. Repeat this for every possible scenario. It is overwhelming to start but it is the wisest and best thing you can ever do. You will become familiar with what is possible and how and where and when to take actions - YOU WILL BE PREPARED TO DEAL WHEN AND IF THE TIME COMES. If you don't do this and you are ill or unable to do this, God help you. Do this in advance and learn and learn and learn and plan for each contingency. It might not stop them from happening but you will have a sense of peace and control you will never have if you do not do this far in advance of need.

I am fortunate - I am 88 and extremely high functioning mentally and take care of myself l00% in every way even though I live in assisted living (who does nothing for me). I am here because I can't walk due to spinal issues, have many medical issues and could not handle a three story home. I still work two jobs - 52 years doing animal welfare from a local to international level with my own organization; and 15 years as a Power of Attorney. I do it all, like a normal 30 year old can/does do - except walk. I force myself to do the impossible against unbelievable odds but I succeed through sheer will power and determination so I have some tiny sense of self-respect. I know no other way. I drive (safely) and lead a full life and I have one thing to say - NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, PEOPLE MUST REALIZE WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE - THEY MUST BE FULLY WILLING AND ABLE TO HELP THEMSELVES - NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. If they do get help, they are blessed but don't ever count on it. I survived because I took care of myself - as to those who can't, start investigating now from the tiniest lead to the biggest source for help and solutions - DO NOT WAIT - LEARN NOW.

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I completely understand your worries. They are also mine I've been caring for my mom for about a decade. Friends fall away because it's hard to get away to see them and I'm the youngest of 4. So who will be there to help me if I get like my mom? It's not a wrong or selfish thought. Let's face it as caregivers we know those we care for are terrible advertisement for getting old. If I had ability to save money I would try to find a decent facility where u can live on your own with help a call away. Without savings we know the options for those we care for, we just need to be proactive in finding out more information. To prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
It is terrifying wondering who will do for me what I've done for my mom? I don't want to rob a niece or nephew of their lives and truly don't know if any have that capacity for kindness to another like that. They are young, self involved like so many at their age. I think a elderly roommate always a choice to consider. There are no easy answers. Good luck to you.

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Start by considering what would be the signs that your mom needed help:
difficulty with the bank accounts?
difficulty remembering when to take medications?
forgetting how to do simple things or directions?

These and some you could also imagine are your signs too. Start "helping" yourself to navigate senior years:
set up automatic payments for bills,
get a pill box and set reminder alarms on your phone to take them,
start using your GPS religiously for every trip in your car...
make friends with younger neighbors who will notice if something is awry,
consider moving into a senior community (not assisted living or nursing home) so you have more caregivers around you.

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I worry about the future too. But I hope I can focus on what I can still do, rather than what I cannot.

I wrote the following on another post, so sorry for re-using some of it 😃

Independence is a wonderful thing. It grows, evolves, changes shape. Just needs the right size & it can survive.

Can't live alone in my home.
CAN make wherever I move to my home.

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I took care of my Mom for a number of years until her death in 2016. I've known since I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease in my 20's that I would probably end up with dialysis and I have. I have one son and stepsons. They help me but are not responsible for me in any way. I have saved and invested for years.
I'm in a nice private nursing home and may be here permanently. I have insurance to pay for a long period; when that runs out in 8 years then I will have to pay from my income and investments. I'm not able to do many things I would like to do, but it is what it is and I choose to be happy rather than dwell on what I can't do.

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I try to think about this every night, but am in an endless loop. I truly don't know if the Caregiving will ever end in my life time. I believe my Mom will outlive me, but am not sure. It could be another 10 years of Caregiving.

I hope I won't live that long if it's the case, but one never knows how long they'll live ... - so, I never know how to plan or what to think about the future because it is so bleak and empty for me, plus I'm not really inspired to look forward to anything now because I don't know how long this will last.

Went to my Doctor last week, and now I need Blood Pressure pills and Muscle Relaxants. Haven't been on either before, it's part of my body's response to the demands of being an unpaid Caregiver with no time off.

So, nope - I have no idea about the future because the thoughts go in every direction because my future revolves around someone else's health and longevity.

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I feel your despair... I am 82 and care for my 84 YO wife who is fairly communicative except for her AD and memory loss from stroke a few years ago. And I am never quite sure if she is faking! I could be living a full life except for my spousal obligations and her attitude certainly doesn't make my duties more bearable. Wish I could offer some good advice or encouragement, but I am feeling pretty despondent myself! Good luck!

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I dragged DH to an estate atty 5 years ago when I turned 60. He was 65. Said we were 'way too young' to be making these decisions.

After the first mtg with the atty--he was singing a different song.

Having our affairs in order and done legally (before that we had an online will, but it was very 'boilerplate' and didn't address a lot of specifics) put him at ease.

We are currently moving to a more 'Sr friendly' home, it is a little early for that, but one came up in a fantastic neighborhood for $150K less than what it was worth and we snapped it up. We are in the process of remodeling & painting. It needs a lot of small jobs, but I think it will be lovely. We'll add a small kitchen to the basement for the possible CG's who may wind up living with and caring for us.

I don't do change well, not at all, and so I am pretty anxious about this, but I think once I adapt to new neighbors and such--it will be fine.

We don't expect our kids to do anything long term for us. I rolled through cancer, major foot surgery and 2 bouts of shingles with no outside help...so although it wasn't FUN, it did make me realize I needed to pre-plan as much as possible.

Some families are able to handle a lot of hands on CG and not get weird. Mine's not one of those. And that's OK.

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That's great about your move! Way to go!

I also have tried to drag DH (man shaped lump of lead) to sort out that stuff. I've now made it clear he must attend at next sig b'day or house purchase. We are looking but prices here have skyrocketing during the pandemic. Not sure if a crazy unsustainable wave or this crazy is permanent yet (if so, we'll need a whole new plan).

I'm not good with change either, getting worse as I age. Keep things too long. Books, old papers, even my current job.. time for a big clean out!

It takes me a while to settle into a new area. Finding that balance between going out to explore, new shops, new people & unwind in my own nest, with my own things. You could drop DH anywhere & he just would start building his life again. He is focused on today. Which pulls me through when planning/ruminating/stressing too much about not today stuff.

Enoy your new place ❤️🏠

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I so hear you. That is my story. No biological family left. I have a support system here in my neighborhood though and good friends. I have and still try to make friends particulary in the age group that is slightly younger than I am (I am 77) and have made them PoA, medical proxy and execuetor. I have 3 contingencies. If they go before me.... I'm screwed but I will have done everything that I can. Can't control it all... if I could.... I'd opt to mature and not age, lol.
Good Luck with your planning and glad you are looking ahead.

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Welcome to the "party". Age 66, caring for mom aged 93. She's fairly easy right now in that she is somewhat mobile and can toilet herself (for the most part). But my finances are somewhat scattered, I'm trying to hold a full-time job so that if I live as long as she has, I won't be in hovel, I'm losing grip on caring for the house (which is 87 years old and not in great shape), and I haven't been to doctor in nearly a yeaer because time off is dedicated to taking her to md appointments. Things looking kinda' bleak because I'm disorganized and tired. So there ya' have it. It's a mess and I have no one to blame but myself. Yeah, it's scary as hell.

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It is so easy to neglect your own health care when you’re in crisis management and prevention mode as a caregiver. I’m finally catching up with my own appointments. If you become seriously ill who will take care of your mom? Make those appointments for yourself!

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A thorough method is to list everything you need and/or do, ranging from laundry to lawn maintenance, and grocery shopping to medical trips.    to get started, you can jot down your daily activities, then classify them. Your goal would be to eventually research and find potential solutions for them, to the extent possible.

Research online what your county or state might be able to offer in terms of elder support. Some states, such as mine, have an Elder department which offers support and suggestions, including in legal areas.

Contact your local Senior Center if one exists, and find out what they offer.   My father's was one of the best, providing not only entertainment but the basics of food, support events, as well as clubs.   There were opportunities for seniors to get support, as well as provide it. It also contracted with the local transit agency to rent 2 small buses for use by seniors in the community.

Unfortunately, this doesn't exist in all communities; my own is, despite being in a city decades old, just getting starting figuring out what it should do.

Your goal is to identify what could happen, what could but hopefully won't, and everyday life, then find solutions, whether it's through governmental agencies, senior centers, or private care.    Consider it a research project.

Your location can be key, especially in getting medical care.   If you're renting an apartment, that could be something to consider.    One of my plans is to move closer to a major medical area, such as a teaching hospital. During my own caregiving journey, I found that locating and identifying good medical sources, including access to good hospitals, was helpful if not critical for my father's care.

Another key issue is financing.    If you don't have a budget, create one, and determine how much money you might have available, assuming that SS isn't going to increase by much over the years.

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Have to congratulate and thank you for remembering the healthcare facility part of the equation! So many of us get seduced and side tracked by the draw of moving to locations with lower property taxes that we sometimes forget there are other factors that should be considered like the quantity and qualities of nearby hospitals and rehab facilities.
Had friends that move to a small rural town in TN where they purchased 11 acres and a double wide for chump change. Their property tax was about $300 per year ( a fraction of what I pay; however as they aged their needs increased. Harder to feed the horses and mow 11 acres. 10 years after their move.... both needed cataract surgery. The husband had his first at the local hospital. Went well. The wife had hers next but by this time the hospital was struggling to maintain it's Mediare certification. The sx did not go as well as it should have and needed to be fixed by additional medical processes. Unfortunately, the nearest hospital that was qualified to perform the fix was about 70 miles away! She never got the sx, the husband passed away as did the horses and now she would love move back east to be near her support group (family and a lot of friends) but can't afford to. Rather sad.
Sounds like you have a great plan for yourself which is good to hear.

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Start making a plan now. How old are you? How is your health? I would be looking at an independent lifestyle instead of worrying about not having someone to care for you.

Depending on your age, if you own a house, sell it and move into an appropriate place that meets your needs. If you don't need any help with anything right now and you're over 55, move into a senior apartment complex. You'll have others around yet be living on your own. When you can't take care of everything, hire a home aide.

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I'd like to hear more about the caregivers facing old age and losing their independence.

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