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I mentioned this before, been asking a lot of questions recently...

My mom (almost 80) is suffering from serious anxiety and has become obsessed with making sure the air conditioner is working. She has my dad (79 and in excellent health) adjusting it constantly. She has recently seen a psychiatric nurse practitioner who is going to work with her using CBT. Next appt isn't until 8/27. We have a CBT workbook coming focused on aging and anxiety. Mom refuses to take any anti depressants, her call she can still make decisions. She is quite lucid and her memory is fine, no hallucinating. She knows and has expressed she having acute fear and anxiety. It may be a precursor to more serious issues I'm aware but hopeful it's not.

My question is should my dad simply gently say, "honey I can't get up and down all night to adjust. It's working as it should. If you are cold pull up an extra blanket if you are warm take one off." Her thought process around this is irrational so I don't know if that will work. He's not getting any sleep.


We tried a little exercise today of name 3 things you can see, hear etc. I dont know if that will help at night. It will still keep him up but maybe will reduce the frequency. Other suggestions for redirecting? She doesn't do it herself so locking it etc is not a solution. He has obliged to keep her comfortable but it's out of control. Fibs won't work bc you can hear it turn on. And, she listens for it!


I am awaiting a call from our regional elder services for caregiver support referral for me and dad to help us navigate this and plan ahead. Options currently are basically as I see it, figure out how to manage it the best we can with guidance or hire in home companion care to give him respite at night. I get to come home, he's dealing with it all night and he is doing a great job reassuring her but I'm sure it's taking a toll.


We are not entertaining placement so no suggestions for that please. Dad and I are managing (he lives with her, I'm about 10 minutes away). If it gets worse or dad's health takes a turn things could change but for now we are hopeful to get stabilized again.


Thank you lovely people I hope for a peaceful evening for all.

Try a white noise machine in the bedroom at night so Mom can’t hear the A/C go on and off .
Maybe then she will forget about it and get off this merry go round over the A/C working .
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Reply to waytomisery
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casole Aug 9, 2024
Excellent suggestion!! I know in hotels when the ac or heat goes on and off it wakes me up each time so not hearing it may be a big help. TY
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Hard to know if an obsession (with a root cause) an irrational fear (with no know cause) or a sensory need 🤔

"obsessed with making sure the air conditioner is working".

Any shortness of breath? COPD? Heart disease?

Maybe being able to feel the air move feels better or even *safer*?

(I've used a portable fan when short of breathe with a cold in summer. Don't think it helped.. but it felt better).

If you have ruled out medical cause, telling her to quit it & sleep has to be done. Dad needs his sleep!
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casole Aug 9, 2024
Beatty yes she has copd and shortness of breath and chf! Lung cancer survivor. Her oxygen levels are always 98 or 99, we have one of those devices. Her lungs are clear. Vitals are good. We are working on getting her a pulmonary function test. Will try the fan!
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Your poor mom desperately needs medication to calm her anxiety. The right approach by a doctor in discussing this with her would be a gift to her. And your poor dad desperately needs some uninterrupted sleep. He needs to sleep in another room if needed to get some rest before his health is compromised as well.
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casole Aug 9, 2024
Both her pcp and the psych nurse np suggested it. She actually did try one dose, it made her nauseous and gave her diahreaa and she was weepy over it so she said no more. She can't seem to tolerate any discomfort at all to get to a better place longer term... Horse to water....
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Do you have a timer type thermostate. You are able to set these for a week. You set the temp to were you want it at different times of the day. Like working people, higher during the day for ac because no one is home. Then just before you come home, its set to cool the house back down. Mine is old but maybe they have them with a light, green when its on, red when its not. Really, this is an OCD thing and meds are needed.
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I keep the fan part on at all times. I have asthma and the furnance guy said to let the fan run continously while either heat or air is running. That also keeps a background fan sound going. Been doing this for years. Will not hurt yout furnance either. Just be sure to change filters at least monthly.
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I use a 10 hour continuous loop of a fan, volume on high, on my cell phone next to my bed. I turn the "ring" volume to heavy vibrate so in case my 81 year old parents need me, I would still hear that. It does not interfere with the white noise, continuous loop. Other noise machine apps may not have a continuous loop and every time the loop would start over, my semi conscious brain would "pop" awake. I am almost 59 and very sensitive to noise, sleep temperature, and darkness in my room. We all agreed on a temp of 73 degrees, a/c or heat. We leave the fan running always, keep the air moving. I have an oscillating fan and an overhead fan running 24/7 until the temp drops below 40 degrees. Yes, the heat will be on then. Go to Google Chrome, type in BEST FAN NOISE with BLACK SCREEN FOR SLEEPING (ten hours) this is from a band, The Get Right Band. I pray something works to calm your mom and for your dad to get some rest.
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Reply to TrishaAlvis
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casole, I can understand what your Mom is going through, as I have something similar. For me, it is an OCD thing, always worried about the outside A/C fan running when I can hear it. It stems from childhood back when the coal truck use to deliver coal into the house coal bin, that noise would freak me out. The odd thing the fan turning on/off during the day doesn't bother me during the day.


What works for me is to have the TV on at night, so I can fall asleep with that background noise. If I wake up during the night (bathroom run) and can't fall back to sleep, on comes the TV. Oh, hubby and I sleep in separate bedrooms as our sleep patterns and TV preference became very different as we aged (both are late 70's). Plus my snoring is like a freight train. Works great for us.


Does your Mom take any meds for blood pressure? I found taking the pills at night tends to have a calming affect for me.
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From a nutrient perspective, calming nutrients like vitamin B can't be extracted from food as easily when we get older, as our stomachs produce less hydrochloric acid to break down the food. Vitamin B = calm and energized. She can start out at 100 mg of all the Bs (there are eight!) in the morning, and another 100 mg in the afternoon. My sister has brain injury and taking 200 mg of it every day helps her to stay calm and relaxed. Certain medications and bread/cereal/bakery items can drain the body of B vitamins, so she'll need more B if she consumes those items. Also, plenty of sunshine daily, or 10,000 mg vitamin D 3 at least EOD, will help produce melatonin for sleep. I hope she finds the solution soon--living with anxiety is exhausting (for everyone!)
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It depends on if your father/her husband can actually do something in her best interest, or if he wants to 'help' her by following her directions / requests.

If he is 'in charge' of handling these things (fan, air conditioner, heater), then it seems that it is up to him. If she can fool around w them herself, you could / need to get a cover or something so she cannot adjust herself.

He shouldn't have to be 'dealing with it all night' - it will, as you say, take its toll on him. This is not a solution.

There is a lot of information on the web for thermastats. Don't know about air conditioners.

"Today, thermostats are required to be secured with passwords to ensure better access control and protect user privacy. Honeywell thermostats, specifically, allow you to set up passwords so that only authorized individuals can access the system."

Call the air conditioner company and/or PG & E .. google 'covers' as I just did.

Or / and - perhaps more / other caregiver / outside assistance is now needed.
Can she be locked in her room at nights? somehow not have access to these temperature devices? Get 'bells' on her bed - although this will still keep your dad / her husband up at night which needs to be avoided.

Let us know what you do.

Gena / Touch Matters
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My M-I-L would get up every night to adjust the thermostat because she got too cold. She was a fall risk so this was a problem. We finally figured out that it was not the temperature but the air blowing from the vent that made her cold at night. We went to a hardware store and got a magnetic deflector for the air register. We just stuck it to the vent so the air in the bedroom blew against the wall, not towards the bed. She had not more complaints about being too cold at night. It is a low-cost item that might help.
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Would a Sound machine work for her at night? The noise from the sound machine might be enough to cover the sound or lack of sound that the AC would make.
Some thermostats have a "fan" mode that can be turned on so air circulates even if the AC is in an "off" cycle. If she hears the fan that might help. Unless she is cold and wants the AC off. If that is the case can the thermostat be set by your dad's phone so he does not have to get up he can adjust with his phone.

The clothing mom wears might make a difference. It seems like items made with Polar Fleece type material not only keep a person warmer but since they are lighter in weight they may also feel cooler. You could try a shirt made of this type of material and see if it helps.
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OP here. Thank you all for the responses. It's not something that is programmable by phone. It's an old fashioned thermostat you move the little needle to the temp you want and it kicks on and off based on that.


Good news is she doesn't try to get up and change it herself. Dad is in charge of that.


I bought a little white noise machine that also has nature sounds which I've read are "pink noise" and good for cognition and seniors some preliminary reaesrch has shown. This may have the same effect as leaving the fan on continuously.

Great idea to keep the fan on continuously but she shot down that idea. But she did agree to the noise machine and we are going to pick out a "tone" to use tomorrow.


Dad said she's been better about it recently, they agree before they go to bed how it should be set and it stays. I still hear about it at least a dozen times during my daily visit. Are you too hot? Are you cold? Is it comfortable? Boy it's hot out. It's supposed to rain tomorrow. What is the AC set at again? Oh there it goes it just came on... Ad nauseum.. Ah well it could be worse.

Also she's agreed to try meds. Lexapro left her nauseous and with diahreaa. She has zero tolerance for distress so no go on that. She tried Remeron last night, she had nightmares and was terribly groggy today so she's going to reduce the dose. She knows she has to do something to get some relief. We shall see.
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Southernwaver Aug 15, 2024
She needs to see a neurologist. Good luck.
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I don’t have any practical suggestions for you. Just wanted to say that my dad had behavioral variant frontotemporal dementia. Among many other odd, obsessive and sometimes dangerous and destructive behaviors, he said he was cold all the time, wore a heavy parka indoors and out no matter the weather, and at one stage was very obsessed with the thermostat —which he would adjust constantly and once he pried it off the wall! And he was constantly opening windows and doors in the hottest part of summer while also blasting the AC and wearing a heavy winter parka. He also became obsessed with the water pipes freezing and would disconnect them from bringing water to the house in the middle of the night. It drove my mom around the bend. The only thing that helped him with his NUMEROUS obsessions was Seroquel.
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Sounds like your mother has an anxiety disorder-common in elderly
the most common
- gad- generalised anxiety disorder constant worrying and tired/irritable/hot flushes out of breath
- phobias- which could include things like shortness of breathe- scary
- panic disorder - sudden feelings of terror - can be random but can also be triggered by something -
- obsessive compulsive disorder - disturbing thoughts that they can only control by doing repeated actions.
- post traumatic stress disorder - caused by a traumatic event - can emerge years later

sometimes caused by changes - health problems - ie pain
sone form of grief or loss

it’s quite extensive - apart from watching to see if there are any triggers to what generates the behaviour - or learning relaxation techniques - healthy eating and staying active to manage stress levels - maybe a little social interaction
Altho
the only real route is to speak to her doctor who can advise on techniques to manage the anxiety
and maybe find a way fir the doctor to address with your mother the need for a supplements. I would speak to her doctor
this is a common disorder - they must know how best to manage it
sometimes parents are too stubborn to listen to their children
maybe a quiet word with her doctor and see how best to manage it
keeping in mind your mothers dignity and independence

It’s not easy to admit you need help at times
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casole: Thank you for your update. Best of luck.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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You mother is experiencing an anxiety disorder and an obsessive compulsive disorder. She may benefit from medications to help her relax - especially at night. A mental health provider can prescribe those medications. Realize that those medications may require adjustments to find the right medications and the right dosages. Each person has their own combo of medications and dosages.

Since she has obsessive thoughts about the thermostat at night, she may also benefit from medications to help her fall asleep and stay asleep - this is the realm of a sleep specialist.
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