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I want to find a bigger home, so I can move my parent's in with me.

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I understand that there are many services for veterans and their widows (widowers). My daughter researched this and suggested that we get a patient advocate from the VA to find out what we can get, including some home health care, handicapped ramps, handicapped shower & toilets etc.
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I hope everyone understands that caring for your parents is not something you have to do alone. If you can afford it you can hire CNA's and other home healthcare on your own. If you can't afford it (my situation) there are programs that can help pay for this extra help. Varies by state, but I suspect most states and aging agencies have something that can help. Call your local area afency on aging!
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I can relate to crying fit..just pops up..emotional stress..chores are never ending
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Another thing to think about is your own health. If one's parents are in their 80's or older, chances are the grown child his/herself will be a senior citizen or close to it themselves.

What would be your Plan B if something happens to you, be it a serious illness or an injury. This spring I broke my shoulder and I could hardly dress myself and was going to rehab x3 a week for months on end. I couldn't drive for 6 months as it was too painful to shift the gear from park into drive, etc. My parents who are in their 90's still lived at home on their own, and they were basket-cases because I couldn't drive them to doctor appointments or to the store. Thank goodness we could get home delivery of groceries but my parents didn't like the delivery charges. Plus they would refuse someone from the outside to help them.
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Putting a parent in a nursing home is not an easy thing. Yes the staff is much to be desired, however unless you are not working and have nothing that needs your time I dare say you might make it. I was working 9 hours a day with a daytime care giver from a company. 3 hours she was alone. Then I had to prepare meals give medicine take time if off if she needed to go to the doctor or hospital. Then there is waking you up at least 5 times a night for some reason. Showers, toilet etc. One night after bringing her home at 3am from hospital because she called 911 without my knowledge, I took her in and got her settled I went outside and collapsed in the yard in a shrieking crying fit. Think about it long and hard. And best regards to what ever you decide to do.
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Tv: Sounds just like my mom..
she sugar-coated everything even when she went to the doc..
The doc would ask what is wrong?...mom's response=nothing! We had many discussions about that. Still did not change. Ugh!
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My Mom was really good at sugar coating everything. My Dad was way more challenged than I realized. Dementia is cruel along with all the other health issues. I'm now strugling with his death. Mom has broken her same leg twice. So rehab in NH ended, she was still wheelchair bound but met all goals set by PT folks. What? I ask how can that be? So I moved her to AL when 100th Medicare day came & she wasn't better & continue to hire 24/7 sitters, got home health care PT/OT, HOMEDIC so she has nurse practioner with access to MD if illness occurs. Her mind has faded & she struggles from wheelchair to walker to get where she's going & thinks she can take care of herself & a 2000 sq ft house..As you say, I had a life but now I'm trying to regain some of it back. So I now struggle to weigh facts & get myself stronger & am trying to make that hard decision to leave her in AL before I lose everything. Very hard..she's my MoM, but it is harder than taking care of my babies. She is an angry person from dementia, complains over & over again about same stuff over & over. Redirect positive attitude to no avail..it is very sad.
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Ei, why doesn't your mom qualify for Medicaid?
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Wow. It is so rewarding to that parents are respected and deserve a quality of life like they gave us.My mother has been I'll since 2014. She has no cognitive illness. She has been abused from the hospital ignoring her leg symptoms to being abused in rehab facilities. By the grace of GOD she has been home since August 2015. She must have round the clock aides. They are paid out of pocket. I have to pay out of my money. She does not qualify for Medicaid. I just don't understand that the working class cant get a break. I have to pay out of my own money. However plan carefully for parent to be home. Being at home gives them safety and love. I just wish that I had a couple of million dollars to give her the quality of care she richly deserves.
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Certainly you can take him back out. However there is a more practical question here, that is should you take him back out? I have worked in this field for many many years. I can tell you my advice to family when they began this journey is; look at the idea of moving as a one shoot deal. Every time we have the elderly, especially those with dementia they lose more cognitive ability. A short trip from a hospital to a placement will get you a month of let's wait and see how this goes for a month, then we can tell you how much help they need. It is not insignificant change to the health and well-being for dementia care to create a decline in the disease; just to many new things.
I also think moving a person in with family members is difficult on the family unit. The situation provides no quality time with your spouse or significant other and if there are kids involved their schooling maybe interrupted.
Think this through carefully, talk to people who have been there and step back and look at all the ramifications to this situation. Whatever decision you make go into it with eyes wide open.
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READ and READ again Make sure you understand what you're getting into with careing at home. Depending on their health and needs this IS very difficult for most people.
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You can put him in a short-stay rehab unit at an NH. Then when you purchase your larger home, get him released.
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Hello, whatever you do is your decision of course. I have my Mom with me and love it and feel totally tied down, its very hard! I cant place her, thats just me. I do want to put in my 2 cents here thou on a different note. If your Dad goes into a nursing home on medicaid and comes home, make sure he can still keep the medicaid. I am applying right now and found that if I give up her health insurance to go on medicaid and change my mind, to get her back on her regular health insurance again, it would be insanely high as she is 94. Thank about that one and good luck. The best scenerio is at home caregivers but they are so hard to find. Hang in there!
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jc, your profile say you are taking care of both your dad and your mother. Your dad has alzheimer's / dementia and that will worsen with time. Moving someone with alzheimer's / dementia.in and out of places is not good for them. If his doctor says it is time for him to go into a home, then it is time to to do that. Once he is in a nursing home, the doctor may not consider him to be a safe discharge due to the level of his alzheimer's / dementia. to let him just go back home.
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How many had promised their parent(s) they wouldn't put them in a nursing home? At that time the promise was made, I bet one's parent was healthy, mobile, and still living on their own.

We never foresee our parent aging. I always thought that way, that my Dad would be doing fix it things around the house and doing yard work... and that my Mom would be grocery shopping, fixing all the meals, and cleaning the house. And we would all be traveling, and doing a lot of sight seeing. If only we had a crystal ball. Things can change in a blink of an eye.
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First, I agree that nursing home employees are overworked but, you can visit everyday and make sure she is well cared for. If not, complain. My daughter has always worked at facilities where the majority of the caregivers care. Your always have that one employee. You can always ask for replacement. Remember, the state considers this now the persons home. No restrants can be used and they have to show good cause for medicating. Residents can not be forced to do anything they don't want. No, it won't be perfect. But with a Dementia patient it will not get better. Their incontinence will get worse. They will become like a baby. Can you change an adult in bed and clean them up. Do you have the strength to pick up dead wait. Are you ready to make every decision for your parent because they no longer can. My Mom is one of the easy ones but patience runs thin after you've had to explain something for the 100th time. My husbands parents are gone. TG I have him because I couldn't do it alone. But its not fair to him our life is on hold. For a year I couldn't go anywhere without someone being here with Mom. Now she is in daycare 3xs a week but that is costing $1000 a month out of her savings. But it gives me sometime to get things done. Me, one parent is emough, two? And that "they did for us". I have made my own money since I was 14. As one of four, I'm the only one who has been there. No, the last thing I want to do is put Mom in a home but the time will come. I know my limitations and as she gets older so am I.
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Dear TaureanMe and Sightseeing1, I said the same thing. I promised Mother that I would not put her in a nursing home and I'm not. If I die trying to take care of her then somebody else will put her in a home, but it won't be me doing it. I was lambasted for having this opinion on a previous post. It is less expensive for me to keep her at my home and it's what she wants. I have a caregiver for her that works for me 3 days a week she lives in our home and also helps out sometimes on her days off. My out of pocket expense is $1500 and that comes out of Mother's social security and VA benefits. My cousin's husband is in a nursing home and the cost is $6000 per month. We can't afford that and we will lose our home if we turn to Medicaid because my home is in my mother's name due to a bankruptcy that I had to file in the 2008 crash. My family helps very little, but that's my decision and I hope others won't lambaste me for it on this post. For those who think I'm a younger chickadee, I'm almost 70 and my husband is 74. We both work full time. Part of my job I can do from home, but I'm fortunate to be able to care for Mother. I do understand that everyone can't do that, but it is our choice. It is a good choice for us maybe not for everybody.
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Yes - but if you're asked to sign a contract - read the fine print before signing off. I've read of some private-pay group homes charging a pro-rated amount until the end of the month or charging a one month fee to patients whose family wants to move them to another place. From my research in my area, these homes want payment the first of the month and some want automatic withdrawl from a checking account. I don't know the specifics, if on a Medicaid-based group/nursing home.
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CarolC75 - your situation sounds like mine. He doesn't know what to put on in the morning, follows me around, and gets really bored. I tried one adult day program, and want to try another, because he's so BORED, but he can't really do the things he used to enjoy.

He does listen to big band music, the kind we hated when we were kids. It was our parents' music. We wanted Rock'n'Roll! They have it on cable - called Singers and Swing. He listens for hours.
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Judyjourneys - Yes, that's funny and sad, if the kids abandon a parent. But honestly, children are LITTLE! You can pick them up and move them. You are allowed to give them a swat on the rear occasionally. The big ones can help a little. Over time, they stop wetting the bed, whereas with Mother, that problem will only get worse.

And legally, you can force a kid to obey your orders until they are 18. With Mom and Dad, if they say no, they can make it stick. So maybe you do need all seven kids to take care of Mom!
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jcdelp, I see from your profile you are also caring for your mother who is 89 years old who has a heart condition. Is she able to care for herself or is there mobility issues and/or fall issues?

There must be a reason that you are thinking about placing Dad in a continuing care facility, has his dementia advanced to a point where it has become a bit overwhelming caring for him AND your mother?

Yes, you can place your Dad and later remove him from the continuing care home. But please note if you find it was a mistake bringing him back home, he might not be able to get into that same home due to a waiting list. In some areas there are shortages of skilled nursing homes.
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You shouldn't have any problem as long as you let staff know if you're taking him out for the day. However, if you're taking him out for good you'll definitely want to speak with everyone who's taking care of him at the facility. You'll definitely want to listen to any warnings that are shared with you as the dementia worsens and take any precautions necessary. You may actually find that being a caregiver can become too much at some point and you may actually want to return your loved one to that home. You may want to know that caregivers do burn out sometime, so be prepared to turn for help. The best help you can get it is someone experienced in this area, especially a professional
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I care for my husband who has had Alzheimer's about 8 years. While he doesn't need much physical help, he does need a lot of redirecting and constant answering questions. I don't feel I can place him since he is manageable but I have no life at all. He even waits outside the bathroom asking me if I'm in there and when will I come back out.
I long to place him and I have him on a list in a local AL. I can't imagine anyone wanting to take a person out! Maybe I'm just not there yet? I think his life will be much better if he's around other people and our visits will have some quality.
If you are thinking you will save the cost of the home and do a better job, please reconsider. I think you might find its not worth saving the money and you might not be able to provide the quality level of care you think you can. Just my opinion...good luck to you whatever you decide.
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I have to agree with cwillie. I brought my mother to live with us after my father died 7yrs. ago. I lived 5hrs from her and could only get up to see her on the weekends. She was in the early stages of AL (or so I thought) but she seemed to be doing O.K. with the brief time I was able to spend with her. My brother, who lived only a mile away came to check on her periodically. Still I didn't want her to be alone and so our family brought her to live with us. WOW! She was much worse than I had realized and my situation quickly became a full-time caregiver at the expense of my healthy and my family sadly. I'm not saying you are making a mistake and I do not regret the years I was able to help and be with my mother at all. I was so happy to be there for her. But when the time came where mine and my husband's health were failing to a dangerous level due to the stress, and other complications forced us to have to place my mother somewhere, it was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever had to go through. I'm still not thru it. My mother however, is now thriving in her new home. She loves the people there and they are giving her the quality care that I know realize I was not able to give. It was the best move for us and especially for my mother in our case. But what an emotional rollercoaster. Before you bring your parents to live with you, do your homework! Love for our parents can not be the only factor to consider when you are making such a big and challenging change in your life. Caregiving can be the most rewarding and yet the most difficult thing you will ever have to face, and what you think you can do is not always what you are truly able to accomplish.
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I would advise anyone who is thinking of moving a parent in with them to first spend an extended period of time with them, many parents are good at hiding it or the kids are in denial about how much care is really needed. I was just talking to my sis about someone who visited their parents often, at least every week or more, and did not realize just how deeply into dementia the dad was until mom spent the day away.
There are also the bathing and toileting issues that constantly come up on the forum, you need to be fully aware of what the job entails before you sign on.
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You can move your dad anytime that you want, however if he's happy once he's settled I'd think twice about it.

Nursing homes vary so much by area that it's hard to say what is best. Some are excellent and residents get great care plus a lot of extras. Others are not very good and I've heard of far too many that should be shut down.

You'll have to decide - with your dad's input if he's able - what is best in your community. But your core question about whether or not you can move him is yes, unless he is cognitively aware and doesn't want to move.

I hope that this works well for you.
Carol
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Your Dad can do a short stay in Respite Care. We had our Mother stay at the Bickford Assisted Living for about 4 months, after the caregiver flew the coop and while we were waiting to get a suitable nursing home. It was $150 a day in Iowa and it was a very nice place. Check your area. Many facilities offer respite care without a deposit or buy-in fee.
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I'll never forget a comment from a woman forty-five years ago regarding her family: "One mother can take care of seven children, but seven children cannot take care of one mother."
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I have been a caregiver for my mom for almost two years. She has failing health but not dementia per se. She does have some mild cognitive impairment. I felt the same way as you. My parents took care of me so now I can care for her( my dad has passed away.) it is way more stressful than you think! Your time is no longer yours. You need to bring caregivers in. I didn't realize how much until my mom got sick in August and was so weak I needed to lift her to get her on the commode or into bed. I became physically and emotionally exhausted. Fortunately I had checked out a nursing home that offered respite services. I had placed her there for a week last July and she liked the place. I was able to get her in later when I could no longer care for her. She did improve and I got the rest I needed. I made the heart wrenching decision to place her there long term. I know they can offer her more than I can give. Fortunately it a beautiful place and the care is wonderful. Look around and rally research nursing homes before you need their services. There are really good ones out there.
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Your right, we'll be ok. Have to stay strong. Good luck to you.
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