Married for over 30 years, I discovered through five years of therapy, that I'd married a narcissistic sociopath. Couples therapy didn't improve the relationship, so I left and filed for divorce. California law is a no fault State with assets split 50/50. However, we own a house (biggest asset), and he will not sign the agreed stipulation or move.
There is still a mortgage on the house, where I am primary. While he is Currently paying the mortgage (on automatic), he forgot to pay the property taxes. He had the notice and the county reached out twice - the mortgage company picked it up and increased the monthly mortgage. This past year, I ended up paying the property taxes right before the deadline. My bank accounts are dwindling, with an Attorney Fees still to come!
His (current) lawyer is an Elder Estate Attorney, who has been holding his hand through the process - but he has dragged his feet with delay after delay. He agreed to sell the house the day before the Court Trial with a Request Order to sell the property. Trial was cancelled, but court records show his decision. He's now refusing to sign the stipulation and indicating to our adult children, he is still looking for a loan to buy me out. He is unable to get a loan, cannot afford to buy me out (or maintain the property). I have asked my attorney now to request a new trial....more time delay and more $$ out of pocket. I feel I'm being held hostage and cannot move on with my life and am wondering if calling in social services to help him, could help me!? He is living in a 4 bedroom house with an ADU all alone. Is not maintaining the property which is full of his 'stuff' (hoarder)
Or does it? Maybe not what the spouses say or threaten, but the action(s) taken.
Divorce in your senior years is even harder and more tragic. It is when you can no longer trust your son/family to have your best interests at heart. Do not plan to force your adult children to take sides, and do not move anyone in with you until the divorce has been finalized. imo.
Do you want to sell the house? I can speak to that from my own experience.
This may or may not match your case. It is unclear who is living in your home right now.
When I listed the house, (me living in the house-he moved out), the soon to be ex stated: "I will sign, but will not take a penny less". My attorney, both attorneys dragged their feet throughout.
Until they became incompetent and a liability (mostly to me).
When the house sold, both attorney's secured their fees by putting the proceeds into a 4 party trust account, only they could disperse, and started withdrawing their fees-a guaranteed income! I met my ex at my attorney's office to release the funds for the purchase of my separate home.
Since we agreed together, and the egotist attorney signed his name big, covering the signature line of the other attorney. That made 3 people in agreement. I think it was legal. ???
I forwarded the funds to escrow at the bank, and on my own, had a check drafted to my ex in an amount to allow his own down payment on a home equal to the home we sold. Thereby closing the 'trust' account. This was not discussed, I just did it as my ex said nothing and stood by. I got real strong.
Later, I had quite a time getting rid of my attorney, and my ex's attorney was furious and withdrew because ex-hubs and I signed an MSA (marital settlement agreement) without their input, then directed them to stipulate it in the judgment. It took another year to finalize the divorce!
No one wins in a divorce, but if the two of you can agree on something, that is a start. My start happened when I met in a coffee shop asking soon-to-be-ex what he wanted, writing it down on a paper napkin. This was the best advice ever from my own psychiatrist. I needed a therapist and a psychiatrist to make it out alive.
Leave the adult children out of it entirely. If a parent is a narcissist, the son will have been trained well.
I do feel you are in the right forum to be able to figure out the needs of each spouse maybe suffering from medical issues and mental decline. Even though we cannot give legal advice, there is hope for you here. imo.
TChamp and jmccloud, do you know each other? Lol.
I believed in my marriage and plodded on, until I realized I was invisible. I was the cash to support my husband's entitlement. We are estranged.
Going back to your case, I believe that it's unrelated to the topic of aging-care.
Your current problems need legal assistance from attorneys, not from caregivers.
I am so sorry. I am relieved you are away from him, have a therapist that helped. I am sorry about the bills which must be a constant worry. Keep on keeping on with the courts. It may be slower than molasses but it is likely the only things that will work.
My heart goes out to you.
You wrote that he's represented by an elder attorney; bad choice for a divorce. The nomenclature for divorce went through a change when divorce attorneys were called "matrimonial attorneys", a much more delicate description. I haven't work in that area for decades, and b/c of the friction laded actions, was glad to get out of it. So I'm not familiar with specific terms or procedures any more. However, you do have some options.
1. I'm assuming you've hired a matrimonial/divorce attorney? If not, that's the first step; find one; they're the best kind to have in this kind of situation.
2. Refusal to sign a divorce settlement order, or other court document, seems to me to be deliberately stalling, also preventing the court from moving the case along the scheduled docket. With caveats that (a) I haven't worked in this area for decades and (b) I don't know CA law, I'm wondering if your attorney can file a Motion to get the settlement on the docket, particularly since your husband seems to be stalling.
This may already have happened, and I'm assuming that the adjournment of the trial was your husband's idea, not yours. Time to put a stop to that as well.
Years ago when cases began to clog a court's docket, attorneys could do that to get a motion in front of a judge who could order the dilatory party to engage in a settlement conference. An abritrator was appointed, the parties appeared but not in a court proceeding, and the arbitrator made recommendations which the parties either had to accept or challenge.
The settlement conference was actually kind of an arbitration, and it forced noncompliants to make a decision. This might help move your husband along. I don't recall the issues of outside deadlines, but I believe they existed.
I do not recall, nor am I familiar, with any kind of court action against someone who won't cooperate, but your attorney could address this. Courts still want to move cases along and don't appreciate dilatory tactics. The means to do this might be the CA court rules, and your attorney could address this.
I don't understand that being "primary" on a mortgage means. In my experience, anyone who signs the mortgage and promissory note is a party to the transaction, and obligated to pay. Could you explain what "primary"" means in terms of the mortgage? Are you both mortgagors? Or are you a mortgagor and your husband is some kind of backup?
In my experience, parties can request an adjournment of a trial, but I don't recall cancelling UNLESS the parties have entered a Stip and Order which resolves the issues. I'm assuming that hasn't occurred.
I don't specifically recall instances in which someone refused to sign a Stip, but I do recall that the Court can mandate a hearing and adjudicate when someone isn't cooperating.
The court can also set a timeline for him to find funding to purchase your share. Waiting for the bucket of gold at the end of a rainbow isn't an option for him.
I think I would list all of these issues, either contact or meet with your attorney and ask what SPECIFIC recourses are available to force decisions and move forward?
I assume also that your complaint requested your attorney fees be paid by your husband? If not, why not? That used to be fairly standard, especially when the husband isn't cooperating.
It seems to me that your husband isn't very realistic, is very uncooperative, and that this divorce could drag on for quite a while. You might also raise the issue with your attorney of a hearing to request interim funding for your support while husband is dilly dallying and stalling.
Good luck! Sounds like you could use some about now.