I have POA with another brother. We both live very close to Mom who has dementia. Another brother who lives 5 hours away is micromanaging my every move in Mom's care. I can't get things done fast enough for him and he's constantly sending threats that he'll do something if I don't. I'm hiring full time care for my Mom to care for her in her own home. He'd prefer she is in an assisted living facility. She loves her home and has expressed to me on several occasions that she wants to stay at home as long as possible. The industry for caring for elderly is severely short on good help. I want a long term person and am taking the time needed to get the right person to spend a lot of time with Mom. I already have a nurse living right next door to her for the overnight and weekend shift. I'm interviewing for a full time day person with the skills needed to help with Mom's care. The stress of dealing with a controlling siblings is far worst than that of caring for my Mom. My health is suffering as a result. What should I do to get him off my back? Thank you.
My impression is that your brother views you as the assistant, not the leader. But perhaps you’re giving off that vibe by letting him make demands. Managers don’t argue with subordinates and they don’t take orders from subordinates.
In your shoes, I’d take off my sister hat and put on my manager hat.
First I get the POA brother on board so micromanaging brother can’t play you against each other. Instead you double team him.
Then I’d email him to
- avoid him questioning you and debating decisions with phone calls
- acknowledge that his concern for mom is because he loves her and wants what’s best; so do you
- remind him mom chose you to have POA and placed her trust in you
- remind him it’s not his place to challenge or direct. You’re the team lead; he’s on team as a courtesy and by invitation only
- tell him he can email suggestions that you will take under consideration in your decision making process. (I love how email is on my schedule where a phone call is on the callers schedule.)
- if he’s unwilling to accept your role as manager and decision-maker, explain that’s unacceptable so no more calls; you’ll email status updates for his information. (You decide how much to share because emails create a paper trail that’s useful and/or damaging)
- be cordial and logical but emphatic about boundaries and ending/ignoring fruitless calls.
Maybe once he realizes you won’t put up with his behavior, he’ll back off. If not, stay the leader.
Tell him there is nothing he can do about it and to get off your case.
As POAs, your job (you and brother #1) is to manage mom's finances and medical care as she would have wanted. What brother #2 wants is irrelevant. If you are honoring mom's wishes, then brother #2 can threaten all he wants, you don't have to listen or respond.
Also, as others have noted, mom's finances and medical care are HER business and don't need to be shared with anyone else, esp those who have no POA. While it's always nicer if families work together and can share information, when cases like this arise, then it's time to cut him off from any notifications, at least none of the details. Simple responses can be mom is doing well, mom is happy, mom is well cared for. NO information about her finances or how her care is being managed. It is really NONE of his business.
While it is generally more expensive to hire in-home care 24/7, if mom has the assets to pay for this, this is what she wants and all is going according to plans, then by all means continue. In-home care alone usually exceeds what a facility costs, but one also has to calculate in the cost of maintaining the home - rent/mtg, taxes, utils, maintenance, etc. However, if mom wants this, can afford it, is safe and well cared for, then brother #2 needs to be left out of the equation.
About all he could do is apply for guardianship. This is expensive and time consuming. If he can't prove mom isn't being cared for, then he might win, but if she is safe, happy and cared for, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Ignore him. Refuse to take his calls. Refuse to respond to texts or emails. Block him if necessary. What does brother #1 have to say on this? Is he aware of the harassment? Is he also harassed? If he's on board with status quo, then enlist his help in shutting up other brother.
That should read "...If he can prove mom isn't being cared for..."
Ignore threats unless they make you or mom feel frightened. If you or mom do feel afraid, then file a restraining order with the police
I blocked him from communicating with me. I have enough to worry about without adding selfish greedy siblings to the mix. Suggest you do the same.
An agency is likely to charge 25-30 an hour ($4,200 a week). An independent contractor that should be paid overtime for more than 40 hours and the cost skyrockets. Caregivers, especially those that are independent are often taken advantage of. Deals are made that if the department of labor were to look into them would leave an employer in violation of labor laws.
There were times that I wished that I had been an only child. Fortunately, some squabbling works itself out. It did for our family.
I am in full agreement with Glad, your interfering brother may not be ragging on you at all, He may not be attacking or criticizing you personally. I completely understand that it is annoying and frustrating!
He is in support of ‘facility’ care instead of ‘home care.’ Here’s the thing, though. He ISN’T in charge! You are! Your mom gave YOU and your other brother authorization to handle the matter. So, he can run his mouth and blurt out his idle threats all he wants to, and you can hang up the phone or block his calls.
Some of us have had or have situations where mom is playing siblings against each other. Thankfully, that isn’t the case here, Your mom has made her wishes known to you and your other brother.
I am curious. Has he made these same threats to his brother? Or is it just you? Has he tried to manipulate your mom in any way? I sincerely hope that he isn’t harassing your mother.
Are you satisfied with the caregivers that are helping you? If so, what’s the problem? These decisions are yours and your other brother’s decisions to make and he really shouldn’t interfere with them.
He is entitled to his opinion, but it doesn’t mean anything, because you hold all of the cards. So, he can babble to himself. What kind of threats is he making?
I am very sorry that he is getting on your last nerve. Some siblings specialize in that! If his complaints aren’t legitimate, then I seriously wouldn’t give them another thought. I absolutely adore the ‘block’ feature on my phone. It’s fantastic for eliminating nuisance calls.
Have you tried to reassure him that when and if your mom needs facility care, you will handle it? You know your brother and what he is capable of far better than any of us, but we are happy to help if we can. You are welcome to vent all you like. I can assure you that most people here have done lots of venting.
Wishing you the very best and I hope that this situation will work out in your favor, and that your mom will be at peace with what she and you and your other brother have decided on that is in her best interests.
Sending hugs and prayers your way. Take care.
He isn't controlling you, he's just arguing and giving you earache. To relieve the earache, take control of how you communicate with him. Is he calling you, or emailing you, or what?
I very much like Margaret's idea of delegating communication with remote brother to local brother, would that work for you?
Seriously, what are his reasons to prefer AL? Is it because he is worried? Then that is his problem to deal with really.
You need to stand up to him. Tell him you appreciate any positive input he has but YOU are Moms representative. She assigned YOU as POA. As such, you are doing what she wants or made you aware of what she wanted before the Dementia. So, he needs to get off your back. Sorry, but he has no control here. Only you and other brother.
You do realize that you don't have to keep him informed about every move you make and penny you spend. Especially the financial part. If Mom would not divulge her finances to him then as POA you don't divulge them either. Same with her medical. You don't have to divulge anything especially if Mom was private about this too.
Threats, let him threaten. As long as you have kept good records. All her money is going to her care. Then he has nothing to back up the threats. He could go for guardianship but thats expensive. If you have been doing a good job as POA, then I don't see where a Judge would rule in his favor. APS would investigate and find everything is in order.
Don't tell him anything. When he starts to be controlling or threatening, hang up. Tell him you are not obligated to tell him anything concerning Mom. And if he doesn't stop micromanaging you, you will not keep him in the loop.
Try to be nice and give him info. BUT when he comes on too strong and threatens, set him straight. Tell him you're doing your best and do not appreciate being challenged all the time. I would hang up. I would not answer his calls. Unless he can be civil and reasonable.
Who needs this nonsense??!!
If it is your mom's wish to remain in her home and you're making it possible for her to, then no one should have a problem with it.
Solution? STOP LISTENING! Difficult? YES, but NOT impossible. Myself? Still “a work in progress”. Mine made me physically ill. YOU have POA.
He can say (or do) ANYTHING HE WANTS.
One thought- none of us have any real, provable way to know whether our LOs will do better “at home” or in residential care. If mom does in fact have dementia, she might WELL be better served in a facility in which she can receive round the clock supported care with any equipment or supplies available at a moment’s notice.
No matter how many times she had told you she wanted to “stay at home as long as possible”, SHE no longer has the capacity to make good decisions for herself. So- VERY IMPORTANT- there MAY be things that Bossy Pants says that are actually BETTER in the long run for your mom, than what you and POA brother have been thinking about.
If you’re keeping your mom safe and comfortable and you and POA brother also have plenty of time for yourselves, keep on keepin’ on. If something changes, consider other options. Don’t brood about the meaningless gripes.
Could it be that bro is concerned about the cost of home care? In my area, the care you are describing would cost in the area of 12K a month. How long will mom's assets last at that rate?
Are you hiring independent contractors? IRS does not consider home care workers contractors. They are employees so you pay overtime, medicare, social security, workman's comp, deduct taxes, etc. Overtime for more than 40 hours. Setting up home care is quite an exercise to do correctly to protect mom and any future Medicaid benefits should she need them.
You need to consult with an elder law attorney to prepare caregiver agreements and to make sure this is done correctly and legally. If you were to end up with a disgruntled employee you sure want to protect mom from lawsuit.
To avoid all this and mom's assets facility living will cost much less.
Get him off your back? Do your due diligence find out what is required to do this legally. Then sit down and calculate the cost per year, how long will mom's assets last? Then sit down and chat with bro to discuss various options.
Who has POA? Is mom incompetent as determined by her docs? if not, your power is actually quite limited.
Either way mom's care has to get paid for. If she stays in her house which she wants homecare will have to be paid for.
If she goes into an AL facility it has to be paid for. There's really no way around it. If the elderly person life exceeds their assets, then Medicaid will have to pay.
So, if the family is making it possible to honor the mother's wishes of staying in her home, no one should have a problem with it.
As for homecare employees and the IRS, we are self-employed. We pay income taxes, social security, Medicare. I've had many different jobs who had a no over-time pay policy. If you had to stay more than the hours you were hired for, you had to take those hours off without pay to prevent the need for over-time pay. The risk of an employee becoming disgruntled in this line of work is pretty low if their employers pay and treat them right. I would know.
I've lived in California and now in Connecticut. These are the two most expensive states in the country. I have never in nearly 25 years of doing in-home care ever known a caregiver who earned 12 grand a month. Even a live-in.
If the brother is worrying about mom's money he should stop and remember that it's her money and not his.