My husband, 2 children (8 yr old and 10 yr old), and I moved in with my 60 yr old mom about 2 years ago so that we could help with bills while she worked on getting on disability. She has managed to get on disability, but will not help pay any bills. She only gets $1200/month. My family and I were going to move out and she was going to have her retired boyfriend move in. However her boyfriend only gets about $1500/month. Somehow my mother believes that with $2700/month that they will have no issues paying for the current house, any bills, other expenses, and food. My mom has experienced loss of appetite, memory loss and the inability to remember new processes, she’s always irritable and depressed. She has random times of paranoia. She recently had hip replacement surgery and has fully recovered, but sometimes she still walks like she’s extra stiff. She gets dizzy and falls, which doctors still have been unable to explain. I’m thinking her judgment may be off as well, she often fights with my 10 yr old about her childish behavior and has made my daughter aware that she is not the “favorite”. My daughter has come to me and told me in a matter-of-fact way that she knows Grandma hates her. My mother’s mom (my Grandma) passed away years ago but she had suffered from Alzheimer’s for several years. I’m wondering, based on this information, if I should start being concerned about possible developing dementia or Alzheimer’s and what would be my recommended course of action. I can guarantee that if I mention it to my mom that she will get overly defensive and believe I’m just trying to lock her up in an assisted-living facility or worse, which is not my intention at all.
Your problems include your responsibilities to your daughters. Can you move out, but move very close by? You can pop in often but you & your kids will have your own space.
Your Mum's problems include not being to manage her finances. Her bigger problem is her health, maybe kidneys, maybe more. Make a Doctor's appointment for her & go along to tell the Doc all your concerns - inc hoarding, money confusion, paranoid thinking.
You are concerned for her health. Because her health is off, you know it. All your wonderful help, especially taking over the bills has not solved this problem. She needs her health looked into. Get some answers. Then you can plan for the future.
Find a place for her ASAP (other people on here have more info on how to do this), and/or move elsewhere with your family.
The boyfriend has not stepped up in all this time to get them into their own place and he is not going to. Why would he? He likely knows she will keep declining and he doesn’t want to take her on permanently. Why stay a boyfriend when it sounds like he’s had plenty of time to be her husband? Barring any legal or mental issues that prevent marriage, he does not want to invest in her further. He keeps the one foot out the door.
I know you had good intentions and wanted to help, and that is admirable. And it does seem she declined faster than you thought she would— understandable. But this will damage you financially and emotionally, and it’s already hurting your daughter! Your kids come first and your daughter needs to know you will support and stand up for her!
Of course, she could be developing dementia as well, but my bet is that her kidney issues are what is causing her thinking skills to be "off".
I'm glad that she agrees that you will be the one appointed POA. What is she waiting for? There's a neat little book called "5 at 55". You can probably get it at the library. It's about the 5 documents that EVERYONE needs to have in place at age 55. Medical and Financial POA are two of them.
Does she have an internist who oversees her general health? Someone needs to be in the room to discuss what her current medical status is and what the prognosis is.
Is she currently on Medicaid? Does she have a disability caseworker, or someone who is managing her eligibility for benefits?
Of course, she'd need to be fiscally responsible and sit and pay the bills.
How about telling her that you're moving June 1?
If you do, you might send the doctor a fax or email ahead of the next appointment, outlining your concerns.
Do you have financial or medical power of attorney?
You "mention" bills to her? Did you all set up an arrangement before you moved in, with a written agreement about who pays what?
I do not have financial/medical power of attorney, but we have already discussed how when it comes to it, I would be the person she chooses.
We do not have any written agreements about bills. At the beginning of the month we all sit down to work out who will pay what bills and where we would need for her to chip in so we can make ends meet, which she agrees to do. I don’t know if she is simply forgetting about the bill or choosing not to do it. Throughout the month she’ll be very paranoid about how the bills are going to be taken care of, which doesn’t really make sense since it’s always discussed.
Why do you believe she will have difficulties existing on $2700? Do you estimate that her housing, utilities and food cost more than that?
Moving out sounds like an excellent idea, especially for your childrens' mental and emotional well-being.
Yes, it’s estimated that the all of the bills and expenses would exceed the $2700. The house payment is about $600/month, she smokes a carton of cigarettes every week, her boyfriend has diabetes, not to mention property taxes, medical/house/car insurance, phone bill, electric. When winter comes we typically pay about $500-$600 in fuel oil and then with the house payment and other bills? I’m sure you can see my issues.
I definitely know I need to get my daughter out because it’s absolutely crazy the way my mom speaks to her.
i know 60 is young for dementia or Alzheimer’s, however it does run in the family, I just want to cover all the bases.