I'm driving my pop (dad) up a wall! Any advice?
I am 58 and moved in with my parents last year to keep them under the same roof if it is possible. My mom was diagnosed with dementia four years ago and her care had surpassed what my Pop (God bless him) could provide.
So here I am.
The first six months were fantastic; it almost seemed too good to be true. We worked like a well-oiled machine.
Now 13 months later, I'm driving my Pop crazy, and that's driving ME crazy! When he asks me to do something, I always elaborate on his idea and offer to do something more. Basically, I hijack his perfectly good ideas. I can tell I'm deflating his spirit and it breaks my heart. 😔
What is wrong with me?! I may not be able to provide my Pop the same support I'm providing my mom, but I can show him respect and encourage him. Geez.
I lived alone, dedicating my time to primarily work for 25 years before I moved in with my parents. I am on FMLA now and will likely leave my position altogether at the end of 2022. I remind myself that I've given up some important things when the critical stick comes out and I start to wallop myself.
I can certainly use some practical advice. I'm grateful for this forum and look forward to your honest feedback and insight. How do I make this adjustment without hurting anyone along the way?
24 Answers
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Remind him that you inherited his good looks and had a lifetime of his great advice is why you’re so dang good at it 😉
have you taken a couple of weeks for a vacation away?
It's also hard not to get frustrated with them. I've snapped at my father more than a few times. I don't agree with his politics, his way of thinking, a lot of other things and I can't stand Fox News.
I can't imagine living with him. Two strong-willed people is a recipe for disaster.
So, do what you can, it's the best you can do.
You're right about both of us being strong-willed. Thank you again.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Thank you, Llamalover.
Your Dad needs to get out of the house; make his own friends. You can take care of Mom while Dad is enjoying his life. You can help with Mom, but as far as the rest goes, it is his home. When Dad has got it covered, get out and enjoy your own life. You need to get out and get a job or some kind of hobby as well. Know your boundaries. You are there to help with mom.
Obviously, they don't need as much help right now as you have been giving. No wonder you are all up in each other's stuff! Pull back for now, offer help or advice when asked for. Ask their advice as well. Believe me, this doesn't go uphill from here, but slides down gradually. And. believe me, there will come a time when they will need you full time, and you don't want to be burned out.
Then, please contact an Elder Law Attorney to help you place your parents in one facility, where they can live, but maybe not together. I'm guessing Dad would like to meet other people and visit Mom as much as he wants without being overwhelmed.
You can love your parents and still be your own person. Give your parents and yourself the gift of freedom.
What is the financial situation of your parents? Suppose they need more care than you are able to provide...then what? Can they afford in-home help? A facility?
You have two out-of-state siblings. Sometimes we read in this forum that the children who do nothing end up inheriting more than the caregiver sibling, who can get less or, sometimes, nothing (because they got free room and board, which is nuts).
Who has POA/HCPOA for your parents?
I am also on their banking/credit card/investment accounts, and we meet with their financial planner at least once a year. She has been very kind and has offered to advise me on my own finances (for free) should something occur. My folks' finances are in good hands.
Thank you again. This is helpful!
Is your work skill set one that fits with remote work so you can 'be there' for mom and dad can get out of the house for a while?
You are wise to identify the way that this tension has developed recently needs attention.
And be gentle as you can be with yourself, and each other. everyone means well. And each person needs to feel that they have a reason for being here.
It is also important to make time for yourself. Do you have friends from work or other social activities? If so.... don't lose track of them. Reach out and keep in touch ( but keep that compulsive streak under control even with friends). How about hobbies? Got any? Got anything that you always wanted to do but never quite had time for? Painting, photography, pottery, reading or writing, historical research... the family genealogy? The list goes on and you can always ask Dad to critique whatever it is that you are doing. That will make him feel great!
It is possible that in the future, one or both parents will need placement in a setting that supplies more healthcare and activities than you can within the home environment; you and Dad can start to have talks and research that now when you are not under pressure. You can also investigate some of the care that is available under hospice if you parents choose to remain at home.
Having said all that, I think you are a wonderful person to step up and help your parents. They are lucky to have you in their lives and they know it. Keep doing what you are doing..... just don't lose yourself in the process. Now that would make Dad very unhappy.
Hugs and peace!
Thank you again. Most of my hobbies and activities before I moved in with my folks were outdoors and took blocks of time...a luxury I had when I lived alone. I am trying to discover new interests. Your message is a good reminder.
I guess it comes down to picking your battles. Let your Dad have some wins, especially with unimportant things.
I think maybe the more important question is what is the long-term plan when your Mom’s care may surpass both of your ability to help her.
Like others, I’m wondering about AL or some kind of serious living plan for your parents. If not, are you willing to sacrifice your life for them for many years?
Sending a virtual hug.
"Picking your battles" is another good guide. I've not been married but I'm learning so many wise lessons about sharing life with others. I'm "maturing up", even at 58. 😊 I guess it's never too late.
Sending a hug in return. ~ VV
You also need to sit down with your dad and let him know that you plan do all of this, that you know you are making mistakes and are driving him and yourself crazy. Offer to take some steps back and let him decide what he needs you to help him with in the care of your mother.
It could be that after the first 6 months, things has calmed down and with your help he now has a handle on things and only needs your help with certain things. This is another topic that you need to sit down and talk with your father about as well.
Communication is very important between you and your father with how to handle the care of your mother. So is listening to your father, I mean really listening to what he wants, needs from you. Don't over look his needs as well, maybe he needs to get out and visit with his friends, go golfing(if that is what he likes to do), just to get away and come back refreshed.
I hope this helps!
Sherry196
You are right about me over looking my Pop's needs. I see that I do that. I'm working on that too.
Thank you for your help.
You gave up your home and the identity that comes with it. Your job — and the identity that comes with it — likely ends this year. You’re catering to mom and dad has a to do list — but just do it his way or he’s upset.
Pethaps that well oiled 6 months was you not realizing how much of you was disappearing to the “parents first, caregiver last” mentality that seems common. I suspect your elaborating is your way of putting your identity, your thumbprint on a project to make what is now your home too feel like YOUR home too.
Does dad treat you like the permanent guest: stay with me in my house with my personal decor and my lifestyle and do everything I want to do and do it my way? Or do they acknowledge this is your home (even if it’s not your house)?
Since it’s now your home, of course you want to be more than an unpaid grunt who has no opinions and no right to make the home suit both your sensibilities.
Seems like you had a good relationship with your dad.
Can you tell him it’s not about dismissing his ideas as inadequate but making your home feel like your home? So you can say “here’s what we/I envisioned and accomplished” and be proud of the results?
Can you find other outlets for your creativity and to maintain your identity?
PS. Or I’m all wrong and you’re bossy and just want to have things your way.
You know what you are doing that drives him up a wall. So stop doing it.
I know, easier said than done.
It is a good possibility that you both need a break from each other and from caregiving.
Have you ever worked at a job for over a year and not taken a vacation? I bet not.
Tell dad to take a break, hire a caregiver that can come in and help you while dad takes a bit of time for himself. Then when dad returns you do the same.
Is mom on Hospice? If so Medicare, Medicaid, and other insurance will cover, pay for Respite each year for caregivers. So if she is on Hospice talk to the Social Worker. And if she is not on Hospice PLEASE consider getting her evaluated and see if she qualifies for it. You will get all the equipment and supplies you need to safely care for her as well as the support of a Nurse that will come weekly, a CNA that will come a couple times a week and other staff like a Chaplain, Social Worker and therapies like music and art might be available. And you can request a Volunteer that can come and spend time with mom each week so you can get some "me" time.
Do your parents realize how lucky they are to have you for a daughter?
It starts out everything is A-1 but the longer it goes on sometimes things will have to be done on a "good enough" basis.
Pat yourself on the back...I'm even planning now who is worthy of a Christmas card and am streamlining my list--not just for the increased cost of stamps but for my time.
As time goes on caregiving you are going to have to set boundaries, say no to invitations and stayed centered. You may not be thanked but you should give yourself more credit. Stay the course...
Also, one morning a week respite may not be a bad idea for all parties involved since sooner or later one of the parent's will out live the other.
Sounds like you are a newbie to this. You will know what make sense for your personal situation. We can all learn from one another.
Life should be a balance, where you do for yourself AND for others. If you're just doing for your parents and not yourself, the scale is tipped too far in one direction whereby your soul is starved and needing fulfillment of its own to function.
There's nothing 'wrong with you' per se, just that the scale is too heavy on one side and your head is screaming at you WHAT GIVES SISTER? :)
Wishing you the best of luck striking that balance in your life now.
It does seem that the OP would benefit from having a job or other commitment that engages her brain and energy and provides a sense of accomplishment. Elder care is the one job where the more you need to do for your loved one increases over time and the level of positive reinforcement/appreciation expressed decreases.
Giving up your life at such a young age makes no sense to me, why?
Butt out a bit. Find your father some reliable respite care and agency back up to use when he needs a break, and then leave him in peace.
And don't be sniffy or passive aggressive about doing this. Be honest with your Dad and encourage the same from him. Tell him you want to be there to support him but instead you're crowding and disabling him, and you (both, all) need to revisit the boundaries.
Just for example, if your parents went to Senior Living or Assisted Living, you could still provide a lot of care to your mother, your father could have more interests, they would still be under the same roof, and you could keep your job.