My husband has been spending a great deal of time, including overnights, taking care of his aging parents. When he comes home, he's either on his phone or falling asleep. In many ways, I feel like I lost my husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm very independent, and love my alone time, but I feel like he's not interested in what I have going on in my life. Sometimes, I even feel used because there's this expectation that I need to help, but then get left out of his family's decisions. He wants me there for him when he's sick, but doesn't reciprocate when I need care.
You have some difficult comments that don’t sound too good. That your husband is very controlling, that he wants you to be around when he wants you (though this isn’t working the other way), that you are doing a fair bit of hands-on work but aren’t part of the decisions about what’s going on, that he’s on his phone when he does get home (who to)? This sounds like the problems some posters have when parents and husbands have ‘old culture’ expectations, and wives are expected to toe the line.
It’s great that you’ve talked and things seem to be getting a bit better. Just think about any more bad signs that come up, and come back for more comments whenever you choose.
See if Caregiver help be given or get others to help so he'll not have to do it all.
Maybe hire a Live In for his parents
My mother in law died 3 weeks ago. She was 100 and 3 quarter years old.
In the last week I was thinking how much I wished she would'a lived longer.
Wish her well...Im sure they hear our thoughts & prayers on the other side when we love them
its normal to feel relief & guilt together...just part of being human
take good care of yourself :)
I am sure there are plenty of reasons NOT to join him every time.
The most obvious to me is that this is a good time to reassess what care is actually needed.
Eg rather than becoming just another person holding a hose at a burning building, decide to call the fire brigade, to get the people out safely.
Listen. Care.
When he comes home, meet him at the door with a smile Cook his favorite meal.
What he is going through is one of the hardest, most excruciating struggles in life. You feel like you have lost him, but I assure you, he feels like he has lost himself too.
Think of fun surprises, small outings. When he has particularly bad days, tell him you understand.
This is a short time (even though it feels it will never end). The good or damage you do to the relationship now could be everlasting.
You did the right thing by speaking to him about your feelings. Keeping that bottled up just leads to resentment.
None of this will ever be “fair.” He had to do nothing for his mom (she was remarried, and her husband took care of all details.) But, I truly don’t feel I have a choice. She needs help, and her house has to be dealt with. Our problems will not just disappear. I have a sibling several hours away, but he has a busy (paid!) job and visits infrequently.
Sorry for the long back story, but my suggestion is to find a way to do some of those overnights with him to feel less left out. The “decisions” are tough especially if other siblings are involved, so you may get excluded there. Ask him how best you can help—maybe it’s just making meals while he’s tending to his parents? Tell him you feel left out and alone—but BE PREPARED for a negative reaction! He may then feel you’re not being understanding or “thinking of yourself.” He may also be grieving (or pre-grieving) losing his parents and witnessing them losing their independence. I’ve cried a river for three months, and I’m about cried out. I’ve spent every day with my mom, but I’m about to wean each of us off a bit to once or twice a week and hire a person to visit her even just for companionship and mental stimulation.
I feel for you, I’ll pray for you, and I hope things will be better, soon, for you and your spouse. Just be gently honest with him, but don’t put him in a spot where he feels he’s choosing between you and his parents. Know you’re not alone.
Best
You will need your husband (probably more than ever) when your dear Mother passes across.
I find a day at the spa always helps clear my mind & calm my nerves (even though I tell myself I don't have time to go). It always helps a lot
Also I walk 30 to 45 mins a day before breakfast or after dinner...a positive & calming start or end to the day.
plus I drink lots of raw vegetable juices & herb teas..yep daily...I bought a small Omega slow juicer...best purchase this year...only takes 5 mins to clean it up
Its taken a lot out of me in many ways caring for my Grandfather...however im sure the above has buffered the demand on my health, nerves in particular
.It sounds that your Mother Does show her appreciation which is wonderful
However, im sure your Mother would want you to be healthy & stable And would encourage you to take care of yourself first
Rather than let the resentment build further (understandable btw) I would think about what I am not doing that I want to.
I would think about a place I have been wanting to take a weekend away to & start planning it. Ask your DH to come. Make it clear he is your 1st choice of company, but if he can't (due to his family) oh well, you'll go on your own or with girlfriends.
This may accomplish 2 things: 1. You stop missing out. 2. DH can see what life he is giving up.
Hopefully it helps him to re-evaluate his plans.
I have nothing against his family (or my own in-laws!) but I have zero interest in being absorbed into what could already be an emeshed situation. This is what I have seen many times. The care needs grow & grow, absorbing a family member, then their spouse, their kids, more family members etc. Like a snowball until you wonder why you are stopping the enevitable avalance!
Is this your Husband?
If so, he will need to face this issue. Look it at. Look at when, how & what he is prepared to do.
If his parents are unsafe to live alone anymore - he is enabling them in their denial. This will be an uncomfortable conversation. But as you have just found with your talk with your DH - communication can be so very important.
My last thoughts are rather than back your DH into a 'MIL vs You' corner - support him to move out of his F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) instead. To stand up to his Mother. I think THAT is the crux of your issue.
Sounds like you are being a very supportive spouse and daughter in law.
So sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk, and try working on some ideas that will work for the both of you, where you both will get what you need during this time of caring for elderly parents.
I wish you the very best.
Try coming up with alternative solutions like hiring a PSW for his parents (research costs beforehand so that you’re prepared) and try to appear empathetic to his plight. It’ll go a long way.
could go along when he visits his
parents then maybe you would not feel left out. You could also help with their care and don’t blame him. His
parents may not live much longer if they need so much help. Would u feel this way if you had to do the same with your parents.
Is his lack of care for you when ill a new issue or a long-standing one?
Do you think he is interested on making this marriage work?