I make sure she has everything I can think of food drink covers clean diapers. I told her if she can tell me what she needs I will do it she says no I wont then told me to kiss her a@# --at this point I was frustrated and told her she needed to remember who had to change that A@# a walked out I FEEL LIKE I have put my whole life on hold and everybody expects me to keep doing this with a smile on my lips and bluebirds flying around my head
Your mother can't help what the stroke did to her, but your shared past makes this far worse than it would be otherwise. You shouldn't subject yourself to guilt or let anyone place guilt on you. Outside help - at the least in-home services but more likely facility placement - would put you more in control of when/how you can relate to your mom.
You're human, not bad. Please read this complete thread. We're behind you.
Carol
And, actually, no you won't do what she wants. Because what she wants and cannot articulate, is to be whole, to be well, to have the world make sense, to NOT HAVE DEMENTIA. And you can't do that for her. (And neither can anybody else.) So she is mad. You are handy. You are the one offering to help her. So she takes her anger out on you. If she was also a mean personality before she got dementia, you are getting a double whammy.
At the very least, you need some respite, some regular time away to recharge your batteries and get back in touch with the real world.
Also, joining a caregivers support group might help. Nobody there will be expecting bluebirds surrounding your head!
And maybe it is time to reconsider Mom's living arrangement, with either in-home help or placement in a care center. If you ever have had a good relationship with her you'd have a better chance at reestablishing that if you are the visiting loving daughter and not the full-time hands-on caregiver.
Best wishes to you. Keep in touch and let us know how this is working out for you.
I think you need to find her a placement, even if it's a not so perfect place that Medicaid pays for. You are angry and need this for your mental health.
I hear of more and more persons who are the SOLE caregiver when there are sibs involved and the lack of cooperation amazes me. I'm an only and have done a combination of direct care, then when military assignment put me across country a Long Term Health Care policy was purchased. That's been the "help" for now but it does have a limit and will run out. I've pretty well figured out that there will not be any "inheritance" because it's always gone for the elder's care. Don't screw up your life for some inheritance of money or stuff. Don't let anyone "guilt" you or even fall for a lot of noble promising. I fell for that decades ago and now I'm approaching AARP age, the elder is still mean, is in her 90's and I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel. Don't get stuck and waste precious years caring for someone who was mean to you to begin with.
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