I’m just thinking...If my mom lives to be 100, I will be 70 years old caring for her.

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I’m just thinking...If my mom lives to be 100, I will be 70 years old caring for her.

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What a depressing thought...

Sometimes, when I think of how long this has gone on and how long it can go on, it boggles my mind.

It wouldn’t be as bad if I could emotionally unwind. My mom thinks up petty BS to worry about and wants me to take it seriously, which I am not going to. I really dislike chronic worrying.

I am not talking about legitimate concerns. The petty crap though drives me absolutely insane. I lose patience when she won’t accept that those things don’t matter. Then I feel bad about losing my patience.

You know, stupid stuff like not being able to find a hairbrush or a shoehorn like the one she bought a bazillion years ago! Wanting me to go to 10 stores after hubby gets home to be with her to find that specific brush. Uh, nope! I will never find one exactly like she had.

No matter what kind I get she will say it isn’t right. Even if I let her pick something off of Amazon, something will be wrong. Chronic worrying and complaining is the worst! It’s emotionally exhausting. If I walk off, she won’t forget the stupid nonsense that she is obsessing about.

Does anyone else deal with this crap? If I send my kids to the store for something and they deviate a tiny bit, I don’t think to complain about it. I simply say thanks to them.

When I confront her she tells me that she isn’t complaining and that I need to overlook whatever she says.

It’s just ridiculous stuff. My nephew and his wife visited our home a few months ago from Tucson. I was extremely close to my nephews while they were growing up. I was the fun aunt that did everything with them, even if it terrified me!

At the 1984 World’s fair here in New Orleans there was a giant Ferris Wheel. I hated it but went on it for them. They loved adventure and my nephew ended up jumping out of airplanes as a paratrooper in the army.

They were great kids and are wonderful men now. My daughter got out all of the photos that I have of them as kids to show his wife and kids. We had a great time going down memory lane.

One photo that I had on mom’s dresser was put back in a different spot. She had a fit! Why do they obsess over things like that? She has always done this, not new behavior. I made a point to break the cycle and not be like her!

It wouldn’t matter if she was in my house or out of my house. Recently when she was at the nursing home for three weeks for rehab she thought up all kinds of petty stuff when I went to see her. I even skipped going to see her for a day after her foolishness and the very next time I visited she brought it up immediately. Her memory is incredibly sharp! She has no clue as to how annoying her behavior is. I have had to tell her that I need time to myself. I will read, listen to music or watch something on tv to relax.

If others are going through this, what do you say to your parents? Telling them not to obsess doesn’t make a difference because she says she isn’t obsessive. She is! She has always been a perfectionist.

Burnout Family Caregiver Parents

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Geeeez! She just did it again. She just went in the laundry room looking for ‘lost underwear’! Tells me to look for them. I said no. Told her I will buy her 10 new pairs even though she has a dozen already!!! She says not to waste money. I told her that it was MY money and I do NOT want to hear her constant complaints anymore.

I told her that I know in her almost 94 years of life that she has misplaced or lost things. I am not going to jump when she tells me to about stupid crap. I did that for years and I am exhausted. No more! If she gets upset I don’t care. She will not be happy if I find the underwear. Tomorrow she will find something else.

She thinks I shouldn’t relax ever. If I even think about talking to her during her soap opera she tells me to wait until it’s over. I don’t bother her during her soap. But she thinks I can’t have time for myself. If I talk about all the dishes she reminds me that she didn’t have a dishwasher so I am lucky!

What makes them think everything is around their schedule and have everything perfect? She is not my boss! I refuse to allow her to treat me as if I have to drop everything for her. If it isn’t an emergency I am not doing it no matter how miserable she thinks she can make me. I have started going in my bedroom and closing the door. I hate feeling like a prisoner but it’s better than hearing her nag!

I don’t have everything perfect in my life. Don’t know anyone else who does either.

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NeedHelpWithMom, I was a senior citizen taking care of older senior citizens, my parents. Usually what happens is that our parent(s) still view us as being in our 20's or 30's, thus we should still have all that energy. NOT !!

My gosh, I was dealing with my own age decline. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership didn't phase my parents, who were now both in their 90's. Hey, my ladder climbing days are over, you'll have to hire someone.

Back when I was growing up, Dad and I were terrified to do any grocery shopping for Mom without her there. Never failed, we always brought home something she didn't like. Thank goodness she wasn't as fussy when she was in her 90's. Ok, not quite as fussy, but heaven forbid if a product changed it's label.

I think we need to step in our parent(s) shoes for a little while to view life as they see it. They can't hop in the car and drive to the mall to have lunch with friends. Most friends have either moved or passed on. They wake up with aches and pains. Their eyesight and hearing are fading. And clothes just don't fit anymore. Gone are the fun TV shows of the 1950's. And that noise is today's younger generation's music... sorry no more Frank Sinatra type songs where you can understand the words. Forget about movies, all flying people and flying cars :P

Oh my gosh, I am now sounding like my late parents :P I find myself at my age getting bored at times so I fuss around. Thank goodness for researching the family tree.... maybe your Mom might enjoy helping you with that. I know I have a ton of photos of people I have no clue who they are.... [sigh].

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Yep, I am tired!

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Complainers suck all the oxygen out of the room and I find it nearly intolerable to listen to them. My mom (90) was always a glass-half-empty, skeptical/suspicious person (but not someone with a full-on disorder). I would say she gets confused a little easier now but her memory is pretty impressive for someone her age. Now she obsesses about the weather. Goes on and on at the dinner table (she eats with us every night) and doesn't recognize non-verbal signals, like peoples' eyes glazing over.

So eventually I will look at her and say (cheerfully/politely), "I'm done talking about the weather now" and then I pick another topic, preferably one she can't participate in too much, which doesn't always deter her. If I have the energy I try to think up questions that she really has to think deeply about and doesn't have pat answers for (like for politics).

Decades ago my MIL would go on and on about her loser husband and bad finances (both of which she brought upon herself). This went on for literally years and years. Even calling her son (my husband) while he was at work to complain. Since he and I work together I knew how often this happened. Finally one day I just straight-up told her (but politely) that since we are well aware of all her problems (because we've been trying to help her solve them to no avail) they are now dead topics because there was never any new info and she rejected all the reasonable solutions. Then if she ever brought them up again, I'd change the topic completely away from her and go on as if that segue was perfectly natural. She'd look startled and confused for a moment. Eventually she got the clue. This was before she had dementia. She has returned to doing it now that she does have dementia and I still practice the Sudden Segue maneuver...and it still works to keep me sane. Hope you find something that works for you!

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Changing subject doesn’t work on my mom. I wish it did. I love how you handled your situation. We have to do what we need to do.

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Thanks for listening. I sincerely appreciate it. Just gets me down in the dumps sometimes.

It helps just knowing others understand how I feel. It’s true about labels changing! Yes, the same conversations over and over! I feel like my brain is turning to mush from no stimulation.

We have home health coming over. PT reminds her to take larger steps because you know how Parkinson’s patients shuffle their feet and it can cause a fall.

Well, PT said sometimes they only have to stop walking and it resets the brain if they focus on larger steps and when I see her shuffling to remind her to do larger steps.

Yesterday I told her nicely to please take larger steps. She looks at me and says, “I am doing my best and I will do it my way.” I responded by saying that I knew she couldn’t help it due to the Parkinson’s disease but that she needs to follow the physical therapist orders and I was only reminding her of that. She takes it as criticism from me. If they tell her to do it she immediately does it.

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Yea I do too. I think a lot of caretakers do. I got to thinking the other day after I had a break down, hey this is my grandma, we got the same blood running through our veins, heck I look more like her than her own daughters did, we both have attitude and don't always respond appropriately to our feelings. So I drew the conclusion that gram is okay with the occasional breakdown her granddaughter has and that if anybody understands she does.
From my experience in this life I have found that it can be hard sometimes for females within the family to see eye to eye. I haven't yet figured out why that is.

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Hi, yes it's such an odd conflict btw mothers & (eldest) daughters. But they're often much kinder to their sons.

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My 61 year old husband was hospitalized on July 4th after an accident when it was determined he needed a pacemaker to be put in immediately. My mother kept calling to say how sick with worry she was, and how she couldn't sleep. And how she couldn't eat. And how she couldn't function. Until I finally blew up. I said, So now I'm expected to worry about how to take care of YOUR issues instead of my own and my husband's? Isn't this the same old bullshit it's always been? Making YOUR chronic worrying into MY problem. What else is new.

I could give you 2000 more examples so you'd know that I fully get what you're saying, but then we'd both need Alka Seltzers.

The worst part is when I tell her to stop complaining and she says I'm Not Complaining, I'm Just Talking. Like the guy on the airplane who yells Bomb? He can tell the police he was Just Talking, too, as they cart him away in handcuffs

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My mom is the same way, always has been. My husband had a heart attack 3 years ago, had a major blockage, had 2 stents put in. If I wouldn't of been with him he would of died. The first few days home we were working on his new no fat diet. 2 days in my mom takes me aside and says, you know I can't eat this low fat diet, I need my fat , ice cream, etc. She was all worked up. I lost it!! I said do you realize my husband almost died? I'm trying to take care of him and help him recover and your worried about your ice cream? He is doing really well now, changed his lifestyle and staying healthy. She had always been like this. She likes to be the one who is sick, which she never was, just mentally, super anxiety. See is now 96, still here but has dementia. Add that to her anxiety and it is not easy.

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Grammy,

A power struggle of sorts, right? It happens.

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Lealonnie,

YES! Exactly! My mom says the same thing. She says I am overreacting and taking it the wrong way, saying it isn’t complaining but just conversation! Bull crap! It’s freakin complaining and constantly worrying and yeah, we don’t need to take on their chronic anxiety along with our lives. I swear I don’t think they think we should have our own lives! Our lives should only revolve around them.

I swear if you lived in New Orleans I would buy you a drink for being so understanding! Thanks 💗

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I just spoke with mother, who lives in memory care assisted living. She, of course, doesn't belong there. Meanwhile she scored a 10 on the MOCA test. There's a dentist there named Denny who wouldn't harm a fly.....he "walks" around and around all day in his wheelchair, happy as a lark. Tonight he knocked on mother's door.....big mistake. She immediately had a giant meltdown and called for help. The caregiver said Oh Don't Worry Its Just Denny, He's Harmless. No he's not, she's screaming, He's out to get ME! She's convinced herself These People have nothing wrong with them, that they're just out to harm her specifically, and now she can't sleep. Same thing happened with Effa Mae who she "wishes would die" believe it or not. Because Effa Mae had the audacity to think mother's room was her room, and was knocking so hard "the door was coming off it's hinges". And on and on. She now insists they're all out to hurt her and she's not safe in her room, in spite of being assured otherwise. It's not all dementia....its a mixture of dementia, chronic anxiety, negativity and general disgust and mistrust of people.

At some point, when the worrying and anxiety becomes pathological, Xanax or something similar will have to be prescribed. For EVERYONE'S sake.

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Lealonnie,

I mentioned meds for mom to help cope with her anxiety at her last doctor’s appointment. I was told due to her taking Parkinson’s meds and seizure meds that she would have to have something prescribed by a neuropsychiatrist.

They have to make sure meds are correct and that they won’t interfere with her other meds.

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Blech.

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I often tell Mom that she is likely to out-live me. I am 58 and in good health, but the men in my family do not have a history of longevity. My grandfather and brother both died in their 50's. My dad died at 71. My grandfather died of a heart attack at 55. Both my father and brother died of lung cancer. (My brother was a non-smoker.)
Mom will be 90 next month and has no sign of any sort of life-threatening conditions. I could easily see her living to 100+. I, on the other hand, am a mere mortal.

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Yep, they may outlast us!

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Perhaps she has anxiety? Sounds a lot like my mom. Luckily for me she’s getting a bit forgetful so she complains all the same but forgets (usually) not always. I’ve learned to just ignore a lot of it or put it off... sometimes she’ll drop it. My mom is on Xanax .25 mg... her doc says this is a baby dose... but excessive worrying to the point of making herself ill. She’s 87 and has COPD also. Best of luck I UNDERSTAND what you are going thru. It does help to vent 💗

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Thanks,

Yep! Anxiety is her middle name! I hate it. She has everything done for her by me. She still complains. I will never do this to my kids.

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Hi Need helpwith Mom
Your poor head will melt with all that needless chatter !! I would definitely think of getting all meds reviewed. Sounds like she gets caught in a loop and cant stop her behaviour. The right low dose anti anxiety could help and may be able to regulate to some extent. We had great benefit for my mother from a geriatrician who can review all medical systems and advised age appropriate dosing and he adjusted all of her meds- great result, er anxiety was better than ever had been for decades. With age personality traits become more strong, the geriatrician put great emphasis on having behaviour and coping manageable for home carers and it helped everyone. Hope you get some improvement.. Use the home help time to nuture and care for yourself.

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Thanks. I appreciate your kindness. Something has to give. She won’t take meds but I think she needs something. She only takes two scripts, Parkinson’s meds, Sinamet and Dilantin for seizures. She hasn’t had a seizure since 1996. When neurologist said she could most likely get off of Dilantin she automatically thought she would get another seizure. She isn’t happy unless she is stressed out. I hate it!

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My FIl is 96,, my BIL is 68. They are all miserable. He is still mentally with it. My mom is 89 this month, I am 62. She is getting "slippy" Its a challenge. My BF is 65, her hubs is 76 with LBD. She is hanging on by a thread. every elder thinks they are fine.. we are the ones who deal and deal, and worry. You are not alone here.

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Thanks,

I hate to say it but I never want to worry again for the rest of my life. My mom has enough anxiety for 10 million people! It drives me insane that she constantly worries about stupid crap!

I keep telling her that it is her choice if she wants to worry herself to death but to please leave me out of it. I understand legitimate reasons to worry but not for freakin nonsense!

I continue to walk away when she starts. I simply cannot listen to it anymore. I hit my threshold of pain.

So she thinks she can pull out the big guns! Calling my brothers and making up crap to tell them. It’s just ridiculous. So frustrating and depressing.

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I honestly don't know anymore, if it's because of old age, anxiety, dementia or something else. My mom would complain and nit pick about stuff all the time, or she would go on about crap in the family for from 50 years ago, stuff that has nothing to do with me, it used to drive me crazy, but these last few years, with me working , I just tuned it out. I think some people do it for attention, while others do it because of anxiety, others because of dementia, with my mom, I honestly don't know anymore why she acts the way she does. It could be from multiple issues, including medication .

Yes I'm her daughter, and her caregiver, but even anyone else with there parents, or other family members that there caring for, will get tired of hearing it constantly, the nit picking, complaing, yelling, screaming, threatening, all of it, there is only so much you can do for elderly . My mom is 80. When I heard that she's fine in the nursing home, how she gets along with the staff and the patients, but only freaks out with me, they told me it's because I'm her daughter .

She's wondering why I'm not answering her phone calls right now, I'm letting her calm down, and I'm tired of hearing it, her threatening me, degrading me, insulting me, or guilt tripping me, anything so I give in and take her home . Yes I'm her daughter, and I love her, but I've had it. I need my own life . No one understands unless they go through being a caregiver themselves, it's thankless work, unpaid, where your family and friends back off, with hardly any support . Since I'm so young, I never thought I'd have to go through any of this, within a month, I'v had to grow up fast, because it doesn't stop . I would honestly tell anyone, to try to prepare in some way for there loved one to be in a nursing home . Don't wait till the last minute . I keep forgetting that most people that are going through this are much older then me. Anyway, I wish you luck with your mom .

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You are wise! You really are!!! I need to keep reading this post. Thanks for you words. They hit home.

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My parents have been a disaster since I was in my early-to-mid 40s. I am now 52. If my mom lives as long as her mom did, I will be 71 when she dies. The thought of having to oversee her care for the rest of my 50s and all of my 60s terrifies me. I took over our family business so my parents could retire early and travel. I am so angry their poor decisions/poor health may take leisure/travel away from me and my husband.

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I feel your pain. I truly do. You seem to have a good heart and those of us who have offered help have ended up paying a big price. We got more than we bargained for.

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Extreme anxiety is a symptom of mental illness. It is NOT a normal part of aging.

Treatment is available. Get your loved ones seen by a doc who can competently evaluate and medicate.

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Very true, Barb

Yeah, because her anxiety is ramping up. It’s not always legitimate stuff.

She has worried all of her life about this or that but it does seem worse. She does not want meds. So, I can’t force her but I can walk away for now and when financially able to place her somewhere.

She will have to go because my brothers can’t do it, one has heart issues and the other is working full time. Even if they could hire someone they would not do it. Sometimes it works out to care for others and sometimes it doesn’t.

In this case it has run it’s course. It sounds mean but I want it to be over, the sooner the better.

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I can certainly relate to this thread. My mother died last year at age 87 (I was 65) but one of my greatest fears was that she would live to into her 90's and I would be taking care of her into my 70's.

My mother was not a worrier, but she had lots of other habits that drove me crazy. I think people who have lost most of their abilities and have too much time on their hands develop all these little "tics" to occupy themselves. They have to have something to focus on, preferably something that will require your attention so that your attention will always be on them. Your world is still much larger and you naturally want to turn your attention to other things, so there's a constant tension between what you want and what they want from you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if it weren't worries and anxiety, it would likely be something else to drag you into her world and keep your focus on her. I found I had to create physical distance to keep my mother from driving me crazy. And learn how to say no when she persisted in trying to wear away at whatever boundaries I set.

Your mother won't change. You can, though. Reclaim yourself as much as possible, and keep practicing. And accept that she'll be mad, she'll be disappointed, she'll try to make you feel guilty, and so be it!

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You are so right! I have been letting her get mad. She keeps thinking I can be in two places at one time. I have to tell her to wait until I am finished doing one thing before starting another. I don’t have a clone!

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I am not up to it now but when I get the chance I am going to post all that is required concerning paperwork to receive veterans aid and assistance. If I had known what was involved I could have gotten a jump start on it. It’s more tedious than I thought it would be.

Plus documents have to be certified and so forth. It isn’t a quick online thing. At least with the company recommended to me by the assisted living facility.

They have been helpful but I still have some legwork myself. Delays because records lost during Katrina. Of course, the year daddy died is one of the years that the funeral home didn’t have. That year’s records were destroyed in the storm. So I have to go online to order vital records. I just assumed the company I paid would do all of this. They don’t. Need marriage record too. They won’t accept any records that aren’t legible. Veterans discharge paperwork has to be sent to them.

After the intent to file form is sent back though, it is retroactive to when they receive it. They do also say they expedite according to age too. Paperwork has to be sent to VA, a law firm and the company I am using to assist.

That money can help either pay primary caregiver, pay for outside help or pay towards assisted living facility.

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Mother gets $1209 a month survivor Aid and Attendance VA benefits now that dad has passed. I was referred to a gal in the VA who filled out all the forms for me, for free, and it was easier than I thought to go thru a Federal agency to get something accomplished. I am the Federal Fiduciary and must maintain a separate account for the funds which I use to pay her Assisted Living bill each month. I write 3 separate checks.

I sincerely hope you are SERIOUSLY looking into placing your narcissistic mother before she winds up destroying the rest of your life. Enough is enough

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lealonnie,

Thanks for making me feel normal for blowing up at my mom! Gosh, I am glad your husband is doing okay but for your mom to mention ice cream at a time like that is crazy. My mom is like that. The world revolves around her!

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Needhelpwithmom, I know how you feel!! My mother is 95, lives alone, can still walk, has a very sharp mind, but is bipolar, has high anxiety, a hoarder, a gambling addict, and now likes to drink wine every night..all she does is worry about anything and everything! She worries about what someone said to her 60 years ago. I try to limit my time with her because she doesn’t want my help. I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. Hugs to you!!

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NHWM - Your setting still doesn't allow for messages, so I couldn't send you one. I am not sure how to change the setting, but I'm sure someone here might know and can show you.

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I think I changed it. Thanks

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NHWM, Click on your avatar or picture then click on settings scroll to find privacy and click on that, scroll down to receive public message and turn it on!

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Thanks

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Hi, yes...conflict btw mothers & daughters. Uuggh. So true about the trivial complaints & constant criticism of everything. I really stoped caring about anything mom said, after about 18 months. I mean, my whole life was consumed with her constant requests & complaints. (She was offended when I told her to say 'thank you' when I brought her things), & that I didn't want to be her personal dumpster anymore. When she did her hyper-talking, I learned to look at her in the face & say "be quiet now". Some days, I did choose to leave, when she didn't comply. That seemed to help wake her up.
The less I argued with her, the better it went. (She seemed mom liked to argue & upset me, so I shut it down: by repeatedly not reacting to her).
(Only short answers to re-direct her). I had no real conversations with her anymore. It pissed her off, (& maybe was harsh of me), but don't care. It was necessary, for me to survive.

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That’s my issue. I start to debate things. Big mistake. I just fuel the fire.

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I’m just thinking...If my mom lives to be 100, I will be 70 years old caring for her.

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