I'm looking for traveling tips.

I urge you to consider putting your mother into respite stay near where they live, and you and your dad doing the trip to Mississippi just the two of you. I suggest that for several reasons.

Even mild dementia can cause her to become extremely agitated if she is removed from her daily routine. Sadly, that place in Mississippi is no longer part of your mother's routine. And her brain may not be able to process the memories.

Your dad needs a break. Putting some physical distance between your father and caregiving may help him recognize that he is burning out.

You don't know how your mother will react, which means there is no guarantee that the vacation would be at all restful or pleasant for either you or your dad. If she has a meltdown, everyone will feel worse.

You and your dad would benefit from having some quality time together.

Your mom's needs are only going to increase. Perhaps use this trip to start planning for how her needs will best be met. Have you or your dad considered what would happen to your mom were something to happen to him?

This sounds like a fabulous commitment of time you are willing to give to make new memories and relive old ones with your Mom and Dad. The thing that struck me the most about your question and reason for wanting to do this is.....your father's burnout. Would it be possible for him to go with you to their Mississippi house and have someone take care of Mom so he can truly have a break?
Please don't think that I am being critical of the wonderful vacation you are planning. With your Mom not having been on vacation for quite sometime, she could become much more disoriented with the drive, and become "lost" even in a place she knew and loved so much. Would your Dad truly get a break from her, or would she be trying to follow him as left for some solo fishing time? Would she be dependent on him to do all he does for her at home, even though you will be there?

When my Mom started her decline (she also has vascular dementia) and I began to see the effect it was having on Dad, I encouraged him to go on a 3 day fishing trip he routinely made once yearly with a church group. I checked in on Mom while he was gone, and decided to take her for an outing the first day for a change of scenery. Mom was still "keeping house" and "cooking". But I witnessed first hand how quickly she was going downhill after being in the car with her for 10 minutes and she became completely disoriented and panicked. She was trying to instruct me where the dry cleaners was to take some suits to be cleaned, only 4 blocks from her house of 50+ years, and she completely decompensated. This was her turf....her home....but she was totally lost.

Mom had cocooned herself at home, not been out, been making excuses why she couldn't go and getting frustrated when she had to go somewhere (she and Dad used to travel all the time...even internationally...and she used to love to go places). I never realized that this was one of her coping mechanisms, a defense strategy, to keep her safe from all that she was afraid of.....and the things over which she was losing control. She became frazzled when it was suggested that she get ready to go anywhere....and I did not recognize that she was simply terrified to leave her safe zone, her home.

Again, I am not trying to discourage you from making and recreating some beautiful memories with your elderly parents. Please, though, make certain to plan for the truly unexpected. If you stop somewhere en route to go to the restroom, will she be able to negotiate a public facility? Would she potentially wander off at the vacation house because she might become disoriented at night? If you are driving in the car, are their child locks on the door so you can secure her? Believe me...I would have never thought I needed them for my Mom's safety, but I did. Would she adjust if she didn't have something she "wanted" because you had not packed it?

Also, perhaps have an honest, open talk with your father to see what would provide HIM with the best break....him go alone and you stay with Mom? Or go for a week, and if things aren't doing well for her, bring her home so he can stay by himself for a bit? Would you have extra help while there if you needed to keep Mom occupied for Dad to do his piddling around without Mom's watchful eye and input? If it's your Dad who needs the rest and stress relief, he can hopefully offer some help as to how you can accomplish this to satisfy everyone.
You are a wonderful daughter for thinking of and trying to organize something to make your parents happy. I hope that by sharing some of my personal experiences with similar circumstances, it will offer additional insight on how best to arrange a successful trip and minimize stress for all.

MamaChar,
Just a little lightness here... how in the world do you do a lot of porch sitting in Mississippi without mosquitoes zeroing in on you?! Oh my goodness, here in Florida, they travel from miles and miles away just to light on my arms, legs, and neck!

But seriously, I hope you all have a wonderful time! When I was young, I remember trips to my grandparents in the north every summer.... it so good to have those memories.

MamaChar, even if the trip goes smoothly, Dad will still return to the same caregiver situation he had a week or two ago. There is no "vacation" from worry. Thus, I agree with what carytocalcutta had written.

I honestly think it is time to either bring in a caregiver who is familiar with dementia, to give Dad a "daily rest" or for Mom to enter into Assisted Living/Memory Care, if that can be budgeted, where Dad can visit with Mom all day long, and then go home for a restful [as restful as one can be in this situation] night sleep.

My parents use to go once a year to a lovely quiet resort in the foothills, the place had no TV, no radio, no telephones in their room, and meals were served family style from products grown on the resort farm. As my parents got up into age, they decided just the drive to the resort was too stressful for them [2 hours], even if I was driving, and neither had dementia at that time... just a lot of bathroom stops. And not being able to climb the stairs at the resort, or enjoy the hiking. And the fear of being a couple hours away from their doctors, even though there was a fire house less than a mile from the resort.

I wouldn't get her involved with the packing. It means making decisions that just make them overwhelmed and anxious. I guess you are staying so Dad can enjoy the time away. Since its a place she is familiar with you may have no problems. How long will the drive be? This maybe the worst part. Sit her in the back seat where you can use child locks on windows and doors.

Thank each of you for taking the time to talk about this. You obviously have experience in areas where I have yet to tread. I will definitely take your words and suggestions into consideration, and I appreciate your concern and support.

This is my heart: Our family has been blessed with amazing parents and their health is excellent, considering their ages. I also have wonderful support from my siblings, husband, family and friends. As we age, life becomes very fragile and precious and way too short. All my life I've looked for ways to repay my mom and dad for all they have done for me and mine. I watched them take care of my mother's parents as they aged (my grandfather also had dementia) and now I feel blessed to be able to follow in their footsteps. I am not deluded that we have a challenging journey ahead of ourselves, but I do feel that we need to seize the moments as they come while they're seizable. This trip is a gift. For my parents and for myself. This forum is a gift. For all of us who care about each other. Your words of concern and support mean so much. Please know that I am listening to all of them with an ever open heart.

Blessed Be.

Hi MamaChar. Mom and I are also taking a road trip in 4 weeks to my nieces wedding. 12 hours but we are stopping half way and staying in a hotel. I also plan to stop often so Mom can change positions and stretch. I’m bringing a small cooler for drinks and fruit and sandwiches. Pillow and soft blanket so Mom can nap. One of those neck pillows too. Favorite cd’s for the ride. Two folding chairs in case seating when we stop to stretch is too far away. Walker and wheelchair, ice packs for my back which will be crying after a few hours of driving. Books and magazines. Have a wonderful trip with your parents. Sounds like it will be a fantastic time for all of you.

I'm in support of Carytocalcutta's idea of Mom staying home if that's possible and if Dad will stand for it but if not I know exactly the issue you are having with mom. My mom has had a very similar problem for years, that has been getting worse. My nephew graduated last year and we planned a trip (my mother, brother and I) to my other brothers for the graduation and for mom to stay with them for a while, they have an in-law apartment all ready and waiting. Anyway mom wanted to go to the graduation but she spent so much time "preparing" to pack and stressing about what to wear, what to pack her anxiety went through the roof which is typical for any event or having to pack. We even now have learned to to tell her about appointments until the night before or morning of depending on time because any more time only gives her time to get anxious and not having the prep time makes it all so much easier on her and on us. But for this trip as well as other times for instance going to my brothers for Christmas, one of us just had to go and help her pack. Not give her too much time to think about what she needed or how to pack. She had one new carry on suitcase and we packed that. This way were also able to make sure she had all meds and the daily tools for her routine (BS testing etc.) I also made up a book with all of her medical info, doctors, medications, insurance etc that travels with her and we took enough disposable under garments to get her there and ordered more to be delivered by Amazon as well as a couple of bed pads. But back to packing, we "helped" so that we packed if she wasn't but she was included so had some ownership. Since this is a trip they have done for years maybe your mom will get back into the familiar swing of it with some help getting it going. The family packing for the family trip to the cottage. You might even ask even knowing the answer, should we be taking paper towels (just an example) even if it doesn't trigger something familiar to Mom it might be nice for Dad having something closer to the old norm going on. The other thing you have probably already thought about but just in case, it might be a good idea to go over the list of supplies you need or want to take with you for the cottage and pack those things ahead of time, it will cut back on the time Mom has to get anxious if she's prone to that. The other option of course is to go shopping for those items once at the cottage but that depends on the area.

As far as the trip, some of it depends on just how long a trip it is and how well your mom travels (car I am assuming). If she does fine in the car make your regular drive with plenty of regular rest stops, stops for food. I would pack snacks maybe sandwiches she enjoys along with plenty of water (don't let her get dehydrated!) and maybe music or books on tape, things she might enjoy during the trip. An Ipad or way to watch video and some things she might enjoy could help too perhaps. It's harder during the trip but both trip and once you get there stick to her schedule and routine as closely as possible. Set things up in her room they way they are at home but don't force it I guess if instinctively she wants it another way since she may fall into her own old routine there, I would follow her lead with a heightened scrutiny for possible confusion and issues.

A wheelchair came in handy through the airport with my mom even though she doesn't need or use one or any assistance for that matter normally but during a long day of travel and the hustle bustle not to mention distance of an airport it was better for everyone. Depending on your moms physical abilities you might consider a wheelchair for stops or whatever. Try sticking to the program your parents, the family has always followed for the trip so if an overnight stop is part of the routine do it, if not try going without one. Maybe a pillow and blanket set up in the back seat would be good for mom... Great thing you are doing for your dad, for al

I so appreciate the insights here. Much to think about. Mother's dementia is very minimal at this point, Blessed Be, and she travels well to doctor appts and does well when we go out to eat, etc.
The good news is that I will be retiring at the end of this month and live only a couple of blocks away. I do plan to take up some of the slack on Daddy's care giving and we've talked about him getting away for a weekend fishing trip, or spending a day at his shop, etc. He is reluctant to go anywhere without her other than an hour here and there when he goes for groceries...just because "She has always been there for me and now she needs me." I know he would never consider going to Mississippi without her, so that is not an option.
It is about a 16 hour drive with breaks and we will be stopping after 8 hours for a weekend at my oldest brother's home. She still remembers everyone and their names and will get to visit with them, grandkids and great-grandkids which she loves, too. I plan to do the driving so Mother will be in the backseat and I will be there to help her at rest stops, which, between the 2 of us, will be more often than not. :)
We have a good friend who is caretaker at the Mississippi place, so I do have help when I get there if needed.
Packing for Mississippi is part of who she is, so she'll be adamant about doing it. Plans are not to mention the trip any more than necessary, let her spend a day or two packing if she insists, then 'help' her 'finish' up and pack the car the night before.
Again, I appreciate all the insights, it helps to keep an open mind as to the many scenarios that can occur. We still have several weeks before we leave, so I'll continue to check back here for more ideas...especially on car travelling :) You guy rock! So grateful I found this forum.

I agree with JoAnn that the drive may be the worst part.

The key will be, if you insist on doing this, to not be stressed yourself, and relieve your mother of all stresses...so plan on YOU doing the packing etc, and keep as normal a routine as possible for her daily activities when you are there. Nothing is predictable. Before we realized what was going on with my mom, she and dad took a trip to see my sister. We had no idea that while mom had packed, she had not packed essentials or enough for the weeks stay. She was snarky as ever at the airport checkin saying that I couldn't wait to be rid of them (LOL). Once there the environmental change rattled her. She was also distressed about how LONG they were going to stay and appeased when my sister latched on to saying she was going home "the day after tomorrow"; places with lots of noise/people were overwhelming. But you won't know unless you try. Worst case, you could always rest up once you arrive and drive her back home and let your dad vacation on his own.