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Mom will be transitioning to assisted living where I live at which is 3 hours away from her own home. Initially she was to be placed closer to her home but my brother just said he couldn't help with her so now the plan has changed. She wants to go to her house first but I'm reluctant to do this because I fear it would make it worse for her when it is time to leave. I am so torn and on the verge of tears because I'm not sure what is the best to do. I am new at all of this and I have so much anxiety. Help.

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Your Mom has expressed a wish to go to her home. You know her more than we do. To me, a home is almost a living, sentient thing. It is something I would want to say goodbye to, my home, my garden. Yes, there would be tears. Is this move not something worth mourning. A bit more than two years ago my brother had to make this move. I stayed with him in his home for a few days, saw him sit on the deck in his green chair with his eyes closed, absorbing the sun he so loved, watching the hummingbird make her nest. He knew he was going into assisted living and agreed with the choice. It was very sad. It also filled our hearts with love. As I said, you know your Mom. Some might grab the shotgun, sit in their chair and refuse to move. Only you can make this decision. Please allow her, if you are able, to mourn this transition. It may help her adapt to it. I am so sorry for both of your griefs, but that is real life.
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geddyupgo May 2021
AlvaDeer:
Thank you for sharing that story about your brother. It brought tears to my eyes. I can almost picture him sitting on that porch. That is the way I will say goodbye to my house when I have to leave it.
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I agree with Alva, but be prepared if she starts asking why this and that can't happen so she can stay at home. You may want to have a "therapeutic excuse" to give her should she start balking. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for the both of you!
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Teared up just reading this. It's such a terrible transition for both you and your mom. She knows that once she goes to AL, she'll not see her home again and that's a bitter pill to swallow. You know that you'll be the one carrying out the transition that nobody really wants. Where was she supposed to stay in between the release from rehab and move into AL? Maybe she can stay with you and then you can she can visit her home for a couple of hours at a time? This way you can help her find items she would like and then have them in her new home at AL? IDK if this will work, but it may be a bit of compromise. This aging thing is pure hell.
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You are NOT alone! We are here to help! If you bring her back to her house, she will never go to Assisted living. Believe me. Be in control..not your mother! Hugs 🤗
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I don't think taking her to her house would be good. Take her directly to assisted living. While I don't know your mom, I do know that you will be best not to have her see the house as she may give you a hard time about leaving.
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LoopyLoo May 2021
Second this.
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It will be very hard, but I think you should let her see her home one more time. If you live three hours away, there's no way she'll be back to see it some other time, so I think it's fair to allow her this time to say goodbye.

I still remember taking my mom to her nursing home, and she stood at the car and cried, "My home!" as though she'd lost her mother. It was awful, but as someone else said, a home is like a sentient being, and when you've been with that home for 50 years in my mother's care, you can't walk away easily.

The mistake I did make was taking her back to the house once because we were out together and we had to go to the bathroom. The house was close, so I took her there. We didn't leave for over an hour, and she wandered from room to room, distraught.

We had planned to bring her home each week to have a family dinner (her nursing home was less than a mile away), but after that one pit-stop we decided it was like sticking a dagger in her so we never brought her back.

Your mom may also get distraught going to her house one more time, but I think she deserves that one time.
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If you can honor her request to say goodbye to the home. Be prepared for resistance and explain gently why she can no longer stay there - all the friends she'll make and new adventures. Point out she will be near you and (if true) you'll have more time together for visits and special lunches, dinners, outings. If need be blame it on her dr.

If you can maybe make a picture book for her of the home that she can take with her to her new home. Pictures of different rooms with fond memories of what happened in those rooms or leave blanks where she can write down her memories. That way she'll take her home with her.
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Won't your mother be upset if you refuse to take her where she wants to go? Perhaps you could suggest she call a cab to take her to her house; they would do what she asks and you wouldn't have to witness her sadness. I am being facetious, of course, but if your mother is viable mentally, how do you get the power to only take her where you want her to go? Your mother knows by now that you do not get out of life without some significant heartaches, and leaving her home is one of them. She knows it is going to hurt. She may resent that you took away her one last look at her home. Does she even know that she is going to an assisted living situation?
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My brother and I were so fortunate in that our parents listened to a friend of theirs who told them to move together to AL so that they could make friends before one of them passed away. We went as a family to look at AL homes and our parents made their decisions after we all discussed the pros and cons of each. As we returned to their home after signing the AL agreement, my father began to wander around the outside of the home, looking at the flowering plants around the foundation. I asked him what he was looking at, and he replied, "all the work I won't have to do any more". My brother and I were each able to take Family Medical Leave to prepare our parents to leave their home and move. I made a floor plan on graph paper of their new living arrangement and cut out the shapes of the furniture items they would have space for there. They had lived in their home for over 60 years and had so much stuff. We loaded up the moving truck with all the furnishings and belongings they had chosen to take with them. My brother and I went to oversee the placement of everything as it came off the truck. We returned to the house for lunch with Mother and Dad. After lunch, Dad, who still had his driver's license, and Mother, got into their car and drove themselves to their new home. When they went into their new apartment, it was set up, ready for them as they had chosen. We all had dinner together in the dining hall with other residents, where they met their new neighbors. My brother and I, with the help of other family members, were able to take the time after Mother and Dad had moved to empty the house and close out that part of their lives. This was such a gift that our parents gave to my brother and myself. I plan to give such a gift to my children. It's all about feeling in control of one's life. My brother and I are so grateful that our parents were able to maintain that control at a time when they were feeling out of control. I hope other families will be able to feel so good about end-of-life choices.
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My brother and I were so fortunate in that our parents listened to a friend of theirs who told them to move together to AL so that they could make friends before one of them passed away. We went as a family to look at AL homes and our parents made their decisions after we all discussed the pros and cons of each. As we returned to their home after signing the AL agreement, my father began to wander around the outside of their home, looking at the flowering plants around the foundation. I asked him what he was looking at, and he replied, "all the work I won't have to do any more". My brother and I were each able to take Family Medical Leave to prepare our parents to leave their home and move. I made a floor plan on graph paper of their new living arrangement and cut out the shapes of the furniture items they would have space for there. They had lived in their home for over 60 years and had so much stuff. On the day of the move, we loaded up the moving truck with all the furnishings and belongings they had chosen to take with them. My brother and I went to oversee the placement of everything as it came off the truck. We returned to the house for lunch with Mother and Dad. After lunch, Dad, who still had his driver's license, and Mother, got into their car and drove themselves to their new home. When they went into their new apartment, it was set up, ready for them as they had chosen. We all had dinner together in the dining hall with other residents, where they met their new neighbors. My brother and I, with the help of other family members, were able to take the time after Mother and Dad had moved to empty the house and close out that part of their lives. This was such a gift that our parents gave to my brother and myself. I plan to give such a gift to my children. It's all about feeling in control of one's life. My brother and I are so grateful that our parents were able to maintain that control at a time when they were feeling out of control. I hope other families will be able to feel so good about end-of-life choices.
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Homecare123 May 2021
You’re really lucky!
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This is probably too late, but anyway here are different suggestions, two of which I’ve used, plus a third.

1) Take a lot of photos of your mother’s house, as a permanent record for both of you about how it was when she was there. These days, you could make it a phone video, or you could even hire one of the people who makes videos to go on internet real estate sites. If you don’t take her there, go through the visuals with her soon after she’s gone to AL. I’d really suggest that you do this for your own sake anyway.

2) If you really want to take her, do it after she’s spent at least a week in AL, seen your visuals, and fixed in her mind that it is her ‘old’ house and she doesn’t live there any more.

3) If you suspect that the visit may backfire on you (and her), don’t take her until you have started packing it up. Don’t tidy it up much – cupboard doors open with the contents emptied out, packing cases on the floor in the living room, and of course gaps where you’ve taken furniture for her AL room. Perhaps you do leave a garden chair with a nice view - that’s not enough for her to think she can move back in.

Best wishes and good luck. However you do it, it will be emotional. Yours, Margaret
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Things to consider

If you mom has dementia or mental health issues, going "home" first is probably not helpful. She may obsess about being "home" and not needing to go anywhere else. In that case, she should go straight from the hospital to assisted living and everybody should support the idea of this being her "home". You and your brother may wish to hold onto her "home" for a few month up to a year. Use this time to sort out her "stuff" and send things that mom requests.

If your mom is mentally alert and just has mobility issues, you may decide to "visit" her home for about a week. Use the time for her to go through her things and decide on what to take with her. Somebody will need to stay with her while she is in her current home. Then, keep her "home" for a few months to a year or store her things for a few months up to a year. She can request items be sent to her. She should have given one of you a power of attorney to have her home sold. Of you can arrange for a realtor to meet with her at her "assisted living home" to start the process of selling her home.
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When my MIL was hospitalized 12+ years ago the doctor told us she could not live alone her dementia has worsened and she was using her COPD meds to give her the energy to live. She forgot to drink, eat, buy food, throw out spoiled food ect. she was down to 85 lbs from like 150. She always wore large shirts and baggie pants and would "rally" herself for the time when anyone visited no one was there to see the decline until the health event that landed her in the hospital. My husband and and his sister gave her the choice of whos home she would move to. She chose ours. She never went back to the house she lived in keeping the house for a year would have been financially impossible. We sold it almost right away. We also asked her what items she wanted in her new space. Our home is very small and she basically has one room. we moved some of our furniture out of the living space to add hers. She has always seemed very happy and content to be around us and our children. As her dementia has progressed the last few years she has lost most ability to hold conversations she is down to single words and hand motions for what she wants all except her desire about going home. I wonder if the fact she never got the chance to see the house for the last time is the reason. Her dementia we believe is end stage. She also cries out when you startle her. I don't know if its pain or her only defense to show no. As far as feeling bad about taking her to the ER and multiple Drs. If not you who??? If she no longer has the voice to tell you what is wrong you are the one trying to figure it out. If you had children think back to when they were babies they cried and we as moms figured out what they needed, and I hate to say this to a Medical Professional but Doctors only practice medicine they seldom cure anything, you have to keep their feet to the fire to figure out what will work for your mom. Best of luck finding the answers you need.
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Has she mentioned being upset about going to an AL near your home? Or does she seem willing and ready. Base your decision on that.

Willing to go - let her go see her house, pick out some things that are dear to her to take along to the new place. One last look around - it would be something I know I'd want.

Uncertain? Ask her why she wants to go there. Are there things she'd like to take. Or is she indicating she can go there to live. If you say yes, be very clear with only staying X number of nights because you have an appt/etc on a certain day.
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Mom was staying with me when she decided to go to AL. We made several trips to her house so she could select the items she wanted in her new home, tell me which pieces to give away to friends and family, and what to donate. We went thru her clothing and packed up what she wanted to keep and what to donate. I think it eased her mind to know that the things she had treasured where going to good homes and she still had possession of some of 90 years of accumulation.

When we sold the house the realtor had a gift book made with photos of the house. When I showed it to her she didn’t seem to recognize the empty rooms!
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Tough call. I think you are the only one who can answer this because you know your mother best.

I can certainly understand her wanting to see her home one last time.

I remember my mom asking me to bring her to her home after we were allowed to return to New Orleans after evacuating to Texas during hurricane Katrina. So much of our city was under water due to the levees breaking.

It was extremely emotional for all of us. Mom and dad bought that home when I was a baby. They lived in it for 55 years together and mom lived in it five years after daddy died.

Mom’s home had nine feet of water. It was shocking to see the destruction. It broke my heart to see mom viewing her home and it’s contents destroyed. Still, I felt mom needed to see her home that she loved one last time before moving in with us. Mom was too old to rebuild and she had health issues, so it was time for her not to be living alone in her home.

Mom grieved for her home but she took it in stride. We were grateful that we had evacuated New Orleans and survived. It’s incredibly sad that so many people lost their lives in Katrina.

It helps to look at the larger picture. It was horrible for mom to lose her beloved home and all of her belongings that held cherished memories, but in the end, it’s merely things. Being able to safely evacuate and remain safe and alive was most important.

One door closes and another one opens. Your mom will grieve for her home, just as my mom did. Take comfort that she will be safe and well cared for.

Wishing you peace during this time of transition in your lives.
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Beatty May 2021
So very hard. We saw Katrina on the news & just cannot fathom what people went through.
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Sorry, I goofed. My parents were married for almost 56 years. They bought the home when I was a baby. So, my parents had lived there for 40 years and mom stayed there for five years after daddy died. Lots of memories in a home!

My husband and I have lived in our home for 30 years! Time flies!

I am ready to move out of this house now. I really want to downsize. Moving can be a good thing in the long run.
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I was going to suggest not to go now - in case too upsetting - but to fix a date in a month or so to go..

Hope it worked out ok if you did go.
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My mom’s counselor, mom has a range of mild cognitive disorder to severe and it is hard to guess when she is in either mind suggested we delay and say later or change the subject. Mom never went home and forgot about asking because her life at the AL was new and different. She had her own apartment and we put new furniture in it except for a kitchen table and 2 chairs (she didn’t recognize them). IF we had taken her home for a visit, she would have been emotional and not left. It would have been horrible. I never want to break mom’s heart and this would have because she would see again the home she made for herself. She didn't want pictures so we purchased new ones and put them up in her AL. We hired a retired RN (this was after prayers and petitions to God) who has been wonderful for mom. She is mom’s weekly friend. We also prayed about the visiting her home and mom didn’t ask again after she was settled in her AL apartment. I believe that God prepared her heart for this change. The food is delicious, she gets her hair done weekly, and medical professionals see her monthly (Derm, psychologist, podiatrist). The counselor was spot on, she had counseled mom with a referral from the doctor and it was helpful to mom to talk out her feelings. Mom asked me to take notes and I found that mom was actually grieving the loss of her husband who died 10 years prior and that she was the only surviving member of her family. I recommend counseling as prescribed by her doctor and it was covered by insurance.
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I agreed with AlvaDeer . Let us know what you finally decided and how it worked out.
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