Follow
Share

I'm the Power of Attorney for my mom. I have 3 other sisters. My mom still lives at her home. We have a schedule in taking care of her. She has slight dementia but can still dress herself. Because most of my sisters work I have been taking care of my mom 4 days Mon-Thurs from 10am-6:30pm. One sister only watches her on Fridays the other 2 switch the weekends. I have been stressed out in many ways and now I have requested that I need it to be only 3 days that I will come in. From then all hell's broke loose. No one wants to do the Thursday and they have stress because I'm in charge and I need to figure this out myself. One sisters lives with my mom and refuses to come through even when she's home. There is a lot of drama going on now. Does the POA have to be the one to make this decision or are my sister's being unfair?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

27 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You are the power of attorney, and your sisters have already stated that they are not willing to help your Mom any more than they are helping her. So I am afraid it is on you. I think that it is time to place your Mom in assisted living. Call together the sisters and let them know that you will be doing this, and looking for a place for Mom. Ask them if they would like to help you come to a conclusion about the best place. Make it clear to them that this will be expensive but that you can no longer do this basically on your own, so this is the necessary move, and that you will, as you need to, have to liquidate assets to insure that your Mom is cared for during her lifetime. This is a full time job you have, and you will not get help from the sisters, and the bickering about it will simply add to the problems for you all. If you are able to keep Mom home for a few more years with some hired help. You will have to act on your own now as though you have no help, because, essentially you do not. They have already told you it is all on you. And it is. I am the only (aging) sister of a brother who needs assisted living. There isn't any help for us, but thank goodness, no bickering either.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
POA is about handling your mom's money and healthcare proxy/POA is about making medical decisions, neither one requires you to be a hands on caregiver.
Since you are the one in control of the purse strings you are perfectly justified in using your mother's money to pay for outside caregivers to fill the gap.

Have you considered that your mother's needs will continually increase and may continue for years, even decades? I think your current care plan is unsustainable and it is time to explore your options.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
D
disgustedtoo Jul 2019
As cwillie says, having POA is about making financial and medical care decisions, it is NOT all-encompassing power to make ANYONE do your bidding. The decision to place mom or bring in help from outside the family should be one made by all of you, but as with many siblings this may not happen. If they choose to bury their heads in the sand, you will have to choose how to handle mom's situation and how to give yourself a break. There is no point to harboring anger at them - it is what it is and being angry will only impact you, not them. Move along without them. They resist any decision you make, too bad, so sad, you refused to help and told me it is ALL MINE, so buzz off pests!

If mom has enough assets, especially liquid (aka funds), you can bring in help or find a place for her. Before placing her, are there any adult day care places available that she might be able to go to? This could be an interim solution. If she does not have enough assets, then Medicaid would have to be considered, which either would require selling the house or having a lien put on it, which would mean Medicaid can recoup their costs after she passes.

Does she own the house free and clear (no mortgage)? Has she been deemed incompetent? (NOTE: even is she has been deemed incompetent, POA does NOT give one that power to move her! I know from first hand experience and feedback from EC atty when she refused to consider moving!)

I would explore your options and proceed as if you have no siblings. For the most part this is what I have to do despite having 2 brothers!
(1)
Report
This situation will not get better, the longer the home caretaking goes on the worse it will get. We are all entitled to a life, that includes you...just because you have her POA does not mean you have to give up your life for her. Yes, it is your responsibility to make decisions for her well-being. My decision would be to get her assets identified, consolidated, do your homework and start looking for a AL environment for her, thus taking the burden off of all of you. Yes, visit, but allow her to socialize and make new friends her own age, will make all the difference in world.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
The POA is the one with the authority to make this decision.

Does the sister that lives with mom pay rent and utilities? If not she needs to start so that money can be used to hire an aid for mom.

The hardest thing to realize is that each one of you get to decide how much, if any caregiving you will be providing. If they don't want to help you can't force them, but you can make arrangements that they have no say in. They don't get to tell you that you have to do it either.

Of course mom doesn't want to go to a facility or change her life in any way, but she may have to. She needs more care then 1 person can provide. Look at her finances and see what options are available for her care.

Good luck, it is not fun being the assigned decision maker for your parent. Hugs! You can do this.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Roochiedog, one needs to realize that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I wasn't and I knew that from the start. It's not fair to the love one, nor fair to the person being placed into that position.

I was logistical care for my parents and that was exhausting in itself. I couldn't imagine doing hands-on. Please note close to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Imagine if you or one of your sisters pass on due to stress related issues. Other plans need to be made.

It probably has come to a point where your sisters are feeling they are enabling Mom to continue to stay in her house, and as others had mentioned on this forum it will only get more demanding since, as per your profile, your Mom has Alzheimer's/dementia.

Time to look at other options. My Dad sold his house [his choice] and moved to Independent Living as he was able to use the equity form the house for his rent. He loved it there. Later he needed to move to the facility's Assisted Living/Memory Care, and that worked out great.

Even with a parent being in senior living, one's caregiving does not stop. You are still on call for medical appointments, shopping, etc. And making sure your parent's ducks are all in a row regarding legal paperwork such as Wills, Medical Directives, etc.

Time for a family meeting. Listen to what each sister has to say. Ask for suggestions. This is for Mom best interest meeting.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
You - the POA - have the power to make decisions about your mother's care. HOWEVER, nothing on the planet will give you the power to make your sisters do what they don't want to do. You have power over your mother's care, but you don't have power over your sisters. All of the conflict and chaos will not help your mother's dementia or anyone's well-being or relationships. If her dementia is only slight, this will be a process of many years and something more pleasant needs to be worked out as soon as possible for everyone's well-being. Look at her insurance and finances and see if there's a way to add a caregiving agency or private caregiver to the schedule so it's not always you and your siblings. Also, people with dementia are very sensitive to conflict and chaos and need positive stimulation and socialization. They can usually get that at a good dementia unit in a good facility and also at an adult daycare that some communities have. It seems the sister conflict is overpowering your mother's needs for her dementia care. As POA you do have the power to research what is the best care for her type of dementia and make sure she gets it. Try to pull it out of the "what's best for the caregivers" realm and back into the "what's best for mom" realm where it all started. Also, educate yourself on the possible/probable timeline and stages of decline for her type of dementia so you can plan the future and know what is coming down the pike. At the earliest point that her doctor says she's hospice appropriate, get a hospice team involved to help with her care so you and your sisters can avoid caregiver burnout and your mother can have some good, professional, neutral, caring people in her life and not so much of the emotionally-charged interaction. I'm a medical social worker and have observed and experienced this first-hand with many clients. Keep things positive, fun and drama-free as much as possible. Your family is still making memories that will last a lifetime. Try to make as many as possible be positive. Involve grandchildren. Make it fun and loving and memorable.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Well you do have the authority to hire someone to come in Thursday. You have access to her funds. Another option is to hire someone to come in twice a week (Monday and Thursday) to bathe her, cook a dinner, and light house keeping which could lighten the load in general. You could try to just not coming in Thursday and see what happens. Perhaps your mother doesn't need as much care as you think. The sister that lives there knows you have the authority to sell the house if an assisted living arrangement is better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If your mom is still all with it, she is the ultimate one in control. However, that being said poor you!!! Your, your mother's right hand and she chose you to handle up on her stuff because she knew you would take care of things. However, your sisters use your POA as an excuse maybe not to help out much, they don't want to be bothered, or it's too much on them. Either way you look at it, it comes back to you. Yes to both!!!! You are in charge and your sisters are being unfair. I doubt a sit down will work. Don't drive yourself crazy and waste perfect good energy on them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You are fortunate your sisters are helping to the extent they are. So many families don't have that. Look at getting outside help to ease everyone's burden. Sister living with her needs to help more or get out. Does she take nights? At this level, they may all pull out of helping! Investigate AL facilities in your area for the future.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Is this medical poa or financial poa, or both? If your mother still has lucid periods,I believe she is still in control of her health care decisions. The medical goes into effect when she can no longer make informed decisions on her own behalf or is incapacitated, like in a coma The financial one allows you to access her accounts for her welfare and is in effect unless she revokes it.
I am both for my dad.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It must be difficult to schedule 4 people, some of whom are working, into an arrangement that feels equitable without resentment. But as was stated, it’s fortunate that there is at least some contribution from everyone. What would you do if you all didn’t live locally? I’m having a little trouble figuring out their actual weekly caregiving hours from your description. Maybe you could add them all up just for your info. One sis only does Friday’s? Is the sister who lives with Mom actually “on duty” when you aren’t there? From 6:30 pm to 10 am, 7 days a week is almost 100 hours! Is she also doing an alternate weekend? Yikes, I can understand why she’s unwilling to take any more time. You have POA, so you do have the power to figure this out. Show them, and thank them, for the hours everyone is contributing. If no one will take Thursday, I would hire a caregiver using Moms funds. Can the live in sis ever get away? Would the working sisters agree to pitch in funds to hire caregivers for the weekends?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
P
Poochiedog2 Jul 2019
Thanks for your input. The sister that lives with my mom doesn’t pay anything for her stay. Not even to contribute to toilet paper or paper towels or anything for the household. She believes for her staying there she is doing most of the work. But she doesn’t normally go home till my my goes to sleep. When she has taken off for days there is peace. She threatens she’s going to leave and we call her bluff. My mother has kicked her out before and months later my mom said she can come back. She came back cause she couldn’t make it on her own so she now says by her staying there she is doing the work and says realistically my mom should pay her. My nephew lives there also and kicks in and comes home early enough to be with my mom. My mom doesn’t wake up that much at night so there’s not so much care. It is what it is. When my sister isn’t working she stays in her room and never comes out unless she is hungry. Very difficult situation
(0)
Report
As POA you can sign for your mother when she cannot sign, checks, tax forms, leases, licenses and so forth. If you and your sisters are taking personal care of her, which could mean anything up to bathing and skin care, that is not covered by the POA. One of you should be appointed Care Giver, responsible for personal care, and if it is you, and you want to take a day off, you should hire a Certified Nurse's Aide for that time. You could find out if there are agencies for this service in your area from your doctor or the county or city social worker. Or, if your mother does not need much help, and it sounds like this is the case, you could hire a house sitter to be with her, like Visiting Angels.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Could you hire someone for extra help for you? Fair or unfair, it’s the reality. It is what it is, even if it’s not right. You cannot force your sisters.
My mil has lived next door to us for almost 7 years since my fil passed away. She has dementia and is incontinent. I was angry and bitter because she has four children and my husband and I do it all. I finally confronted his brother who lives about twenty minutes away. He informed me that he is not his mother’s caregiver and he is not our respite. He owes his mom and us nothing. I finally realized this was reality and it would not change. We have an agency come in every week day. If we want a vacation, she goes into respite care at a nursing home. It’s very sad to me that my husbands family is so disconnected but me harboring anger gets us nowhere.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
D
disgustedtoo Jul 2019
It is sad that some offspring are just so out there. That brother was pretty rude. While I do understand that some people just are not cut out to be care-givers, there are many ways in which they could help, but choose not to. Last time my non-local brother was here (May 2018), we visited mom together once at her MC place, then I suggested he bring her coffee and a donut one morning before we head for condo cleanup duty. When we finished early one day, I suggested he go visit again (mostly because he doesn't get up here often) - he refused saying he doesn't know "what to do with her." This from one of TWO brothers who both said for the money they charge THEY would take her in (after their first MC check sticker shock.) Surrre...

We certainly can't make them help in any way or change their mindset (concrete!), so the only option is to find a way to get help from outside the family. As you say, the anger gets us nowhere and can be physically destructive to ourselves, so it is best to let that go!

If the person has enough assets, USE them to bring in help or place them in a facility or day program. If they don't have assets and can qualify for Medicaid, same deal. If the others complain, remind them they had the option to help out, but chose rather to say it was YOUR job, so you have DONE your job, end of discussion!
(0)
Report
Just to clarify a couple things, are you acting as POA on mom's behalf or has she been deemed incompetent and you are acting as DPOA so have all legal responsibility? Sounds like up until recently you and your sisters have been working together, supporting and consulting each other was there a recent decision that your sisters disagreed with? Or is it just that the time burden has reached everyone's limit and rather than saying that you are all starting to point the finger at one another and compare "who is doing more"? You aren't compensated for being mom's POA correct? So it might be worth having a sit down with all sisters together and reminding them of that, you are all on the same level when it comes to figuring out what to do and how to best care for her, you need their help and input, you just have the added burden of having to actually carry out whatever you all decide if it requires that. You aren't POA or DPOA "over mom" you are POA "for or with Mom", maybe they aren't understanding that. It sounds like it's time to look into help, maybe part time, maybe ordered by her doctor so Medicare helps, maybe there are state or town programs. Have you looked into the senior center or even adult day care (not a great term) in your area? She might benefit as much as all of you by getting out and socializing with peers or some areas have programs where they match child care centers and adult care centers so the seniors feel really useful and get a big dose of youthful joy too. These are all ideas you and your sisters can come up with and discuss together so they are once again feeling like integral parts of the decision making and not just "workers" in case that's whats happening. I am not saying if that's the case it's in any way your fault or because of you, I just know how engulfing this care giving can get for everyone and how easily you can get disconnected from each other while trying to keep your head above water in life so perceptions get skewed. Maybe even outside influences see what they see only from their perspective and voice opinions that have more sway because a sister sees their partner or children every day and it's easier to see mom responsibilities as interfering with home life than the other way around (as it should be) and the balance no longer working. You each have life considerations beyond mom and you as the "leader" are probably the best one to remind everyone of that for each other and get the "team" back together.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
hello. Being the POA is a big responsibility however your sisters and you should be able to talk about issues that come about pertaining to your mom. You are the trigger holder so what you say is ultimately the final say. Talk to your mom ,if you can about what she wants if this or that happens . Honor her last wishes . Good luck ! Big Hug I understand !
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
There is a financial POA and a health POA. Do you hold both? If it's only the financial, you have no more say than your sisters in any physical care decisions. Even if it is both financial and health, that doesn't mean that all of her care should be dumped on you. It simply means that you have the right to make medical care decisions for her if she is not competent to do so. It actually has more to do with things like what hospital she should go to for emergencies, whether heroic measures should be made to save her life, etc., not who comes to her home to care for her on Thursdays. I think your sisters are just trying to palm off their responsibilities on you. Don't fall for it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It is a happy circumstance that there is more than one of you to care for Mom. Now to get that care-giving team together. Because fighting over who has the most say and the most power will get you exactly nowhere. First of all the Medical POA is so that, when Mom is unable to make her own decisions, you can make health care decisions in her best interests. The Financial POA is so that you can pay Mom's bills and keep meticulous records to prove where money was spent. The Financial POA makes decisions when the person can no longer do so in her best interests. So the POA doesn't figure in this bickering about who does what and when. You need to have a family meeting, come together on a schedule that says who does what. If it ends up with no shared care and one person responsible that person may resign duties completely until Mom is almost forced into a going into care position. Good luck. Work together. Working at odds with one another will not do anything or anyone any good.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My immediate response is that your sister is being a jerk and not helpful. When one actually has family and major decisions to make, it's an opportunity to be of much care, help and support to one another in addition to the person being cared for. It seems to be a general rule that in times of greatest needs the truth of who people really are becomes very apparent on who is there and who is not.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Change is never easy and more difficult for some people than others. Good for you that you realize you need to decrease your stress and came up with a better solution for you - 1 less day of managing everything for mom. It seems your sisters are comfortable with the workloads for mom's care and really don't want to increase their workloads... probably for the same reason you decided you need to decrease yours. Rather than being punitive. vindictive or harsh - ask all concerned to come together to discuss mom's care. Maybe everybody can pitch in to hire a caregiver for the day so all the sister's get a day off. Maybe everybody will agree to switch off taking Thursdays. There is no "right" answer but there is a wonderful opportunity to discuss mom's situation and come to agreement.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I would consider their input, then do what you feel is the correct thing to do.  You are the POA, therefore, you can do the deciding, but two heads can be better than one, and sometimes the emotion gets in the way of your correct decisions.  Listening to differing viewpoints might help you make the best decision.  You can always discount other's opinions when you make the final decision, but once the decision is made, it is your call and your responsibility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
POA can only manage her financial affairs, and preferably signs for her consents on her behalf. Still, your sisters should be involved with her care when possible. Why not put her in assisted living? At least your sisters are involved with her care. I have 2 brothers and they do nothing for me and the burden falls on me 100% and I can only work one day a week thanks to my best friend who watches her those days. If it wasn't for him I would have been unemployed for over 5 years. Even a sitter is $20 an hour.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I also am the POA,/Trustee and primary care-giver for my mom. She has lived with me for nearly 5 years and is 85. Prior to assuming the duty, my two brothers and I sat down and discussed the fact that she needed to be taken care of as she was unable to do a lot of daily activities on her own. I was willing to take mom into my house so long as they kept their opinions to themselves. You have POA. Don't ask your sisters squat. If they are not willing to step up and do what care mom needs on the day you need off, (especially the one living with mom!!) then hire a temp to come in on those days and pay for it out of mom's money.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
K
kbuser Jul 2019
Great response! I totally agree, my siblings don't help (and, honestly, I would rather hire a nurse to take care of mom for respite because they can handle her better) and I don't ask their input on anything. It's much easier to get guidance from social workers and attorneys than family.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
The POA does not have to be the one to make decisions. You can make decisions as a group, if you choose to do so. The POA has the authority to make decisions that your mom is no longer able to make, but the sisters can have input.
In our family we all have input, we discuss and each person has a viewpoint to share. When we agree on the best choice, the POA signs all the necessary papers. Our POA does take on the responsibility of speaking to the lawyer, social worker, home help agency, or anyone of that type, then there is the sharing of information and viewpoints, and then he signs any paperwork. We all are in on it.

Perhaps you you can identify each sister’s strength and what her best contribution would be. Perhaps, get some extra help, a few hours a week to help clean, or provide personal assistance for your mom. We got a home help person for about 8 hours a week. It helped so much to relieve the burden.

Being a caretaker is a difficult job even when everyone cooperates, it will be very nasty if there is friction.

it would be so awesome if each sister had a say in decisions and responsibilities. YOU ARE NOT THE DECIDER unless they choose you to be.

Best wishes
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It appears that you are going to need more help from sisters, else you fall faint and ill. The sister who lives with mom should be able to step up to the plate so why can't she?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I’m having the same situation in our family but I only have one sibling. We’re both power of attorney but I’m first. She wants nothing to do with anything financial so I’ve even made funeral arrangements for both parents and things will go the way I want them to. I’ve done everything for them that I could possibly do so everything I do is in their best interest. That’s the end of that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
POA means YOU singed Onboard and with any Family Member, It is up to you with any decisions. If you find a Problem, You need to be the One, Hun, To Put your own Foot Down.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
P
Poochiedog2 Jul 2019
I didn't sign on board, my dad asked me to before he died. I'm the youngest of the 4.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
My 102 year old mom fell at home and broke her hip. She had surgery to repair the hip. With all the antibiotics she developed C-diff. Her rehab has gone slowly. She is anxiety driven and causes so much drama every day. Just to show everyone how it is her roommate got up to use the bathroom and my mother started a huge scene screaming don’t leave me alone. She is deaf too and refuses a hearing aid. She has had multiple roommates , most asking to be moved. Her new roommate has a new hip and C-diff too. Both have some dementia. The other lady doesn’t like the fact that everything said to my mother has to be done in a loud voice. I am mom’s POA. I know at the end of her 21 days in rehab they will say she can’t go home. The rehab also has long term care,but limited rooms. I am so stressed out by all of this and the uncertainty. When I visit each day my mother immediately starts demanding I do everything for her. My response is you need to do things for yourself if you want to be independent. Sorry for being long winded. My question is do I have the authority as POA to sell her home to pay for her care ?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
D
disgustedtoo Aug 2019
You would be wise to check with the attorney who did the paperwork for the POA. POAs can vary as to what you are allowed to do and some are very explicit. We were able to sell mom's condo, with me signing everything for her BUT the deed - for some reason, despite dementia and living in MC, the attorney said we needed her signature on that document. Fortunately the facility has a notary and I asked her if there was any concern about mom knowing what she was signing. She told me no, she just had to witness the signature. So I fibbed and told mom it had something to do with her insurance.

Again, it would be good to read the POA document and ask the attorney (if that one is no longer available, you might have to find another Elder Care attorney - we had to use him for the whole sale process as a regular attorney would have no clue how to handle it all. Sadly it took a lot more $ than for a 'normal' closing.)

You should be able to do this, but you will need good legal support.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter