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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I agree it FEELS LIKE punishment from God when you reach those totally exasperated times...but in reality, usually being too nice got you stuck in a dark place. Your profile tells a long and difficult journey.
Caregiving for 18 years is soul crushing. Time to place your husband and get your life back, instead of want to end it. Wishing you strength and courage,
My father is in a NH and mom is now gone and I am going back and forth and it is mostly my choice.
It is a different set of concerns at the NH from when my parents were home. Here you need to be sure his needs are being met consistently and advocate if you don’t like something. . I am just grateful I don’t have to cobble together 24/7 care and I am not bathing or toileting my father.
I am grateful for what we have in place for him at this facility because it would be a hell of a lot worse if he were home.
At home caregiving is a choice. As such, it's not a punishment from God, and certainly not to you, who can choose to place your husband in managed care if you're at the point of collapse. This is the free will we're given.
What choices can you make now to lessen your burden and free you up a bit? Help you get the well deserved rest you need? Do consider in home help, at a minimum, so your entire life isn't devoted to caregiving.
Yes, that's true. Longevity in and of itself is NOT the be-all and end-all, IMO. What's the point of continuing to exist in a dependent state while draining one's family of energy, joy and possibly $$$ they will need for their own elder years?
If your God is a punishing God I am terribly sorry for your choice in gods. I would search out a kinder god. Not that I think your question is unusual. As an RN I saw parents loose perfectly BEAUTIFUL innocent little babies to brain tumors, leukemia, et al. Imagine THEIR problems with THEIR gods, if you will? We have then Roger Rosenblatt--that very kindest of men- who wrote of completely losing his strong faith upon the sudden death of his marvelous daughter. I am an atheist, actually, so I've no one to blame for the many trials and losses we encounter in life; I consider that a "blessing", if you will.
Agreed from a fellow atheist (atheist-leaning agnostic to be strictly accurate). I don't buy that any god--if there is one--cares much what happens to me, so that makes me responsible. And when I make my Final Exit, I'm gone. That's it. I have no problem with that.
I don't necessarily think it's punishment from God, OTOH I don't see it as an "honor" or that I'm deriving anything positive from it. Most days it's meh, some days it awful, and other days it's scream in the night, hair on fire misery.
I always wondered what I was suppose to learn from this experience. I did not learn patience thats for sure. I learned my limitations. Learned I am not a caregiver. I don't believe God gives us only what we can handle. I know people who have so much on their plate its mind boggling. Others, have never experienced what I have. My in-laws have never had children or animals. They never took care of their parents. Because they moved states away, they have never had to drive anyone to appts, get a phone call in the middle of the night about parent being taken to the hospital and you needing to be there because they have Dementia. They have been married 56 years with no major illnesses. They worked and retired. They are generous but also used to being just the 2 of them.
My Mom used to say "God allows things to happen". He never promised us life would not be hard at times.
My only concern here is you because as you said in your profile if it wasn't for your son living with you, you would kill yourself. That is a very scary place to be and I hope and pray that you'll reach out to the Suicide Hotline at 988. It sounds like you've reached the breaking point and that it's time to make some major changes in your husbands care. So I hope you'll start looking into placing him in the appropriate facility where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out caregiver who wants to kill herself because she's so overwhelmed.
My late husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48(a year and a half after we were married)which left him unable to walk, talk, read, write and paralyzed on his right side. Our lives were turned completely upside down. Now my husband did relearn how to walk again with a brace on his leg, but his speech only returned slightly and he was never able to use his right arm, or read or write again. He then developed seizures caused by the damage done to his brain by the stroke, and had many ongoing health issues, including developing vascular dementia towards the end of his life. It was a constant rollercoaster that we were on until my husbands death at the age of 72, and had it not been for my faith and my caregiver support group, I wouldn't have made it. And I can tell you that with everything that I went through in my life and with my husband that it has made me a much stronger person, and for that I am grateful and give all the glory to God.
God loves you and doesn't want to punish you. He wants you to seek His face and trust that He will guide you with what needs to be done next. You just have to ask. But from what you've said in your profile, it definitely sounds like your husband needs to be placed in a facility. And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid. There is help out there for not only your husband but for you as well. I wish you well in finding it. God bless you.
I just read your story. My father had a major stroke as well many, many years ago. He did well for a very long time until he started declining a few years ago. When my mom passed away many years ago, I stepped in to help him. Long story short, it became too difficult . There were falls and hospitalizations. I did the best I could. We struggled to get to doctor's appointments and etc. He refused to wear pullups at first so I had to change sheets daily and on top of all of that, my childhood was full of emotional abuse towards my mom and I. He is now in a facility after a long hard process. Is it possible for your husband to go to a facility? It sounds like it would be the best thing. Prayers to you.
My non-religious, uninvolved brother tells me I am “earning my wings” by helping my mentally ill narcissist mother. I am also not religious, so I don’t find his statement helpful. I do think hard caregiving situations are a combination of many things, bad timing, financial issues, family dynamics, the messed up US healthcare system, being at the mercy of either a mentally ill elder or someone with dementia who never got a POA assigned when they still could etc.
I’ve never believed caregiving comes about as a punishment. To me, it’s simply a life circumstance like any other. There are trials, rewards, and lessons in it as there are in so many things
Ha! Why wouldn’t a just God get the punishment over with a merciful lightning strike or maybe a heart attack? What’s with this five years of changing Depends and pushing them around in wheelchairs?
Sorry if that sounded rude, it literally was my first thought. But honestly no you should never think that. Give us more information we might be able to help you sort things out
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Caregiving for 18 years is soul crushing.
Time to place your husband and get your life back, instead of want to end it.
Wishing you strength and courage,
It is a different set of concerns at the NH from when my parents were home. Here you need to be sure his needs are being met consistently and advocate if you don’t like something. . I am just grateful I don’t have to cobble together 24/7 care and I am not bathing or toileting my father.
I am grateful for what we have in place for him at this facility because it would be a hell of a lot worse if he were home.
What choices can you make now to lessen your burden and free you up a bit? Help you get the well deserved rest you need? Do consider in home help, at a minimum, so your entire life isn't devoted to caregiving.
Best of luck to you.
It’s the unfortunate price we are paying for people in general living longer in a dependent state of needing care .
All I’ve gotten out of it is fear that I may lose my mind to dementia and drive my children crazy . I don’t want them to go through what I did .
My Mom used to say "God allows things to happen". He never promised us life would not be hard at times.
It sounds like you've reached the breaking point and that it's time to make some major changes in your husbands care. So I hope you'll start looking into placing him in the appropriate facility where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out caregiver who wants to kill herself because she's so overwhelmed.
My late husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48(a year and a half after we were married)which left him unable to walk, talk, read, write and paralyzed on his right side.
Our lives were turned completely upside down. Now my husband did relearn how to walk again with a brace on his leg, but his speech only returned slightly and he was never able to use his right arm, or read or write again.
He then developed seizures caused by the damage done to his brain by the stroke, and had many ongoing health issues, including developing vascular dementia towards the end of his life.
It was a constant rollercoaster that we were on until my husbands death at the age of 72, and had it not been for my faith and my caregiver support group, I wouldn't have made it.
And I can tell you that with everything that I went through in my life and with my husband that it has made me a much stronger person, and for that I am grateful and give all the glory to God.
God loves you and doesn't want to punish you. He wants you to seek His face and trust that He will guide you with what needs to be done next. You just have to ask.
But from what you've said in your profile, it definitely sounds like your husband needs to be placed in a facility. And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid. There is help out there for not only your husband but for you as well.
I wish you well in finding it.
God bless you.
For some reason God thinks I need more than one pair of wings . 🤔🤔🤔
I pray that you find peace, comfort and strength for your trial in caring for your husband.