I brought my mother to live with me 5 years ago. It’s been nonstop. She is incapable of doing anything. I’m suffocating and I feel like I just want to run away with no forwarding address . I do not see any avenues. I have no help from my family. They all deserted me and left me with this. It’s been 24/7, 5 years. She now goes to a daycare 3 days and I want to add on 2 making it 5 days. Just the fact that she is here in my home and under our nose everyday makes me sick. I wish I never did this and don’t feel the least bit bad about saying it. I gave up my job to do this. I get no money and my husband is paying for everything. I actually now really cannot stand her. I can’t handle her voice and everything about her.
Compassion fatigue is a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring.[1] It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress (STS).[1] According to the Professional Quality of Life Scale, burnout and STS are interwoven elements of compassion fatigue.
Google it; there is a ton of info about CF and it's no joke.
Please realize that there are TWO lives here that matter, not just your mother's life, but YOUR LIFE too, for godsake! You've done enough. 5 years is plenty of time to have devoted to caring for a woman with dementia which is going to continue to worsen and reach a point where she may start defecating on the floor. Then what? Then you lose your mind and get committed to the psych ward for evaluation? No joke! Stop this insanity NOW and get mother placed!
If she has $$$, off to Memory Care she goes. My mother is 95 with advanced dementia & lives in MC AL and let me tell you something, her care there is phenomenal. Just yesterday she was screaming bloody murder & shaking all over wanting to leave to go see mama & papa who have been dead since 1980 and 1942 respectively. Within 30 minutes, her hospice nurse called her NP and they upped her Ativan to every 6 hours. It was on hand in the MC, and a refill was called in to the pharmacy which delivers straight TO the MC. This is something people don't even stop to realize: medical help is on hand 24/7 in managed care. Nobody is burned out or suffering compassion fatigue b/c they're PAID to care for these elders & they work in 24/7 shifts to do so! The elders are catered to, looked after and cared for no matter HOW they are acting up! And WE do not have to pull OUR hair out listening to or watching the behavior and stressing out over it. Had she been in MY home freaking out, how long would it have taken ME to resolve her meltdown? Days at the very least. Phone calls that would go unanswered. "Covid" excuses from everyone that would prevent her from being seen. And on and on. Instead, she's dealt with ON THE SPOT by nurses and caregivers and finds relief from what ails her, EVERY TIME.
Place mom. Take your life back. Get her in MC if she has $$, and into a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if she does not. You can hire someone to walk you thru the app process and check on the status OF it FOR you with Medicaid.
Just do it.
You deserve a life too, why wouldn't you?
Best of luck.
She's under your nose every day. The sound of her voice. The sight of her back. The smell of her preferred foods (it was golden syrup oatmeal for me). The way she peers at print when she reads. That dainty (or even not so dainty!) little cough/snuffle. The tissues the tissues the tissues...
It would be best not to keep any fire axes in the house, let's agree, as a start.
My first advice would be - get at least one and preferably two weeks off by finding a respite care place for her. You need this time a) to stop shaking; b) to remember you haven't breathed in properly in 5 years; and c) to have a think.
It would be really helpful later on to know why she came to live with you and what the plan (if any) was, but first things first. You are not alone. You do love your mother. That love will return - it's the trap that's intolerable, not her.
This is now in your hands. No one can make the decision for you. Your and your husband need not to pay out any of the funds YOU YOURSELVES WILL NEED for your own future help and care.
Ask at the day care center for guidance in finding a social worker. If they know none then see your Mom's doctor and tell him or her you have reached your limitations and now Mom must go into care. Do not argue the subject. Don't accept the platitudes of they will find you more help, and etc. Stand strong in your own behalf.
Wishing you the best.
You have done all you can. You have given and sacrificed, until there is nothing left of you.
What is your mother’s financial situation? Let us know, and folks here can help you take baby steps to making a change that will save YOU.
5-day daycare is a start. There are lots of people here who have been in your place. All is not lost. We care.
1. How do your feel about this caregiving role?
Yep, I think you summed it up! Burnout, compassion fatigue & had enough ++. OK
2. How much of a caregiving role would suit you ALL - not just Mom? Suit YOU, your DH, finances & jobs better?
a) Would 5 daycare days be worth trying?
b) Is immediate respite care for 2 weeks required?
c) Are you ready to let go & place Mom into care accommodation?
Once you have a decision, it's time to act. Gather your energy & put it towards research, finding folk to help & then bring forward this change.
Are there any "Buts..?".
What are they?
Common ones are "But she doesn't want to go, but she won't go, but I promised her.., but it's my duty.., but I need to be a good daughter..".
I don't make light of those big hurdles, but they are hudles - can be jumped over (maybe with a little help). They do not need to be unscaleable castle walls.
You will find you DO have the strength & power to change things. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you had it all along, just didn't know it. 👠👠
You are burned out. Its time to place her and no guilt.