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Dad has an assessment to go to a new care facility and they have asked me to be there and dad wants me there. But it's during my work hours and I'm just starting a new job.


Mom has upcoming doctor appointments. Shes gone by herself before, but then I found out she wasn't telling me the truth about what the doctor said.


I go with dad to his appointments because he has onset of Lewy Body Dementia and can't remember what the doctor tells him.


How do I make this work when I have to work Monday thru Friday 9 to 6? I also work 20 minutes out of town so I can't make an appointment for during my lunch hour. I'm am only child, we moved here a year ago to take care of mom and dad now in care facilities so we don't really know anyone, and husband doesn't drive due to health reasons. He can take Uber but he doesn't remember or write down important details of visit.

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I mentioned this on another post.

When my Mom entered an AL it made it harder to get her to doctor appts. I couldn't rely on staff to have her clean and ready. When I got a call that the Dr. wanted to see Mom to go over her tests, I asked if I could come in without her since she would have no idea what was being said anyway. It was explained that this could not be done because Medicare requires the patient be there otherwise the Dr. cannot bill for the visit. Its considered fraud otherwise. Not too many like to tell you over the phone either.
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Shane1124 Aug 2019
JoAnn is correct. The patient needs to be physically seen or the doctor can’t bill Medicare. It would be considered Medicare fraud. I suspect many other insurances have this requirement as well.
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You just need to be honest. Call dr before you discuss with employer to find out what is the earliest or latest appointment you could make. Then you'll know how much time you are going to ask the employer to be off work. They may let you work through lunch on that day to take off early. If this is a new employment situation, you wouldn't be eligible for FMLA yet. Always make appointments far enough out so that you have appropriate notice to give employer for dates you need off. Or, find someone to take them to doctor and request that doctor call you with speaker phone on so you can participate in conversation. To save time, if employer willing to work with you - have someone else get them to appt and meet them there if that would save you some off time.
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I would recommend you apply for intermittent time off it will protect your job .I was told by my supervisor to do that as well .
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
She’s not eligible for that. You are talking about FMLA. She’s not eligible for protected job leave until she’s worked there for 1 year and worked 1250 hours.
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I hire an aide, and when I have to take time off because of emergencies, I lie and say I have a migraine (which I do and could document).

There is more discrimination in my workplace against caregivers than against mothers of preschool age children so I don't have much choice.
My employers don't care -- they would just say to put my mother in a nursing home, which I don't want and can't afford.
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Can you ask your employer if you can change your work hours to 8-6? I don't know what kind of work you do but some employers may be amenable to allowing an employee work different hours if it helps them do good work on time. That way you can use those 4 hours on a Friday afternoon and leave work early to deal with your parents.
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Pstracy,

I would be up front with your employer regarding your assisting your family. Let them know that there will be times that you need to take your elderly parent's to thier doctor's appointments. I say this because I am an only child and relocated back to my home state to take over this responsibility from my daughter.

I let employers know from the beginning that my elderly mother would need my assistance for doctor appts and any other emergency that may arise. It was a decision that the employer had to make if they wanted my expertise or they wanted someone that didn't have the type of responsibility that I came with. If there had been problems with them excepting my terms, I would take the job.

Be clear to your employers and in most cases they will be understanding, and if not decide if it is the right place for you.
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You drop your Husband off with Dad and they BOTH take Uber and your Husband takes the notes.

As far as your Mom, you call the Doctors office in advance and let them know you want a run down on what took place. If they need a signed HIPAA form, so be it. Make it happen.

If nothing else, you can let your employer know of your situation. Hopefully you did during the interview before you took the job. If not, that's on you for not being upfront. Typically, open communication and dialog helps work these things out. Work on being more vocal and assertive about what you need. JMO
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It seems as though everyone is putting everything on you ... partly because they are too lazy to write a note. And as far as the care facility wanting you to be at meetings they will have to scan the meeting for when you can be there. Or they can fill you in on it later.... take care of your self and your job otherwise this is going to drag you down till you’re in the same kind position that everyone else is..... hang in there and remember.... if you don’t take care of your self. You will not be able to take care of anyone else
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You can Perhaps, Once in a Blue Moon, Take off to do This, But all in All, The boss won' Put up with it, And either Find someone else to Help you or Find a Generous Boss....
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If your employer isn’t receptive to your taking care of your elders, then consider the following option:
Get medical authority for both your parents and make sure all their doctors have copies. I believe you said they are able to go to appointments on their own. So that part is easy, or you can hire a service to take them when they can’t. Most doctors have patient portals. You can send a message to their doctors ahead of the appointment listing any issues, symptoms, questions that need to be addressed. Another way is to call and talk to the doctor or his/her nurse before the appointment. You can also send a note with your parent. After the appointment, call (or check the portal) and review what the results were.
I’ve been fortunate in that my new job is very receptive of my elder care and allows me to flex my time to take my dad in for medical appointments. I also have an excellent relationship with his doctors, and almost always get the doctors (instead of their nurses) calling me back whenever I have questions.
Reach out and ask. The medical staff are part of your care/support system. They want what’s best for their patients and completely get elder care.
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Just a suggestion, something I've been doing myself: If your husband is able to take them, have him RECORD the appointment on his smartphone. I use "VOICE MEMO" on my iPhone and just quick turn it on as the doctor enters the room.
I tell the doctor as well, that I'm recording the appointment so that I can go back and listen to it, in order to keep accurate records for my Mom (her medicine, his advice, suggestions, diagnosis, etc.) because it's hard for me to remember all the info as well. Hope this helps.
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Airplaneduck Aug 2019
That is a very good recommendation
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You could hire a Geriatric Care Manager. Then do a video call with the doctor as long as your new employer doesn't object to this. Maybe you get 20 minute breaks during your work day and if so, that could be the time that you could utilize to connect with the doctor. Best to be honest with your employer and good luck.
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TouchMatters Aug 2019
Yes. I offer elder care mgmt., including (advocacy, research, writing) - and attending medical appts. I am not licensed as a Geriatric Care Manager (or case mgr) so likely much less costly than a person certified or state licensed. Coordinating, attending attorney or medical appts is one of the many services I provide. You might be able to find a student studying social work or geriatrics (or nursing) at a local university who could help out. I would not rely solely on MD/office notes although you could also ask questions BEFORE the appt so they can be sure to 'go down the list' and address your specific questions.
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1. Make sure you have a legal medical POA.
2. Get copies to all of their doctors.
3. Explain to each provider that you won't be able to come to many appointments and schedule a phone consultation after each one. If the doctor prefers to send you notes that's fine too.
4. Make sure your parents have OLST (orders for life-sustaining treatment) filed for your state.
5. Arrange an account for a transportation service through a local cab company, Lyft or Uber, or a private driver. Using the same driver is preferable for older people.
6. DO NOT trust someone with no legal authority or medical training to transmit information for you. No CNA, GNA or general care assistant can take on this responsibility or liability.
7. Don't be shy about faxing a note to a doctor prior to an appointment about your concerns. Elderly patients are notorious for smiling and saying they are fine to their doctors even after complaining to family members.
8. Verify any needed follow up with the doctor yourself.
Yes, I have done this from both sides!
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Thank u 4 that info😳
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Sorry, but you must not miss work... It sounds like your mom's gone to Dr by herself before, (& new facility appt for dad can be done as a conference call prob). (Not when ur at work though ). Believe me, the appointments for your parents will never end... (So set this boundary now), & safeguard your job. DON'T miss ANY time at your new job. You will be fired. After you establish yourself as a great employee, (which takes at least 6 months), then you could ask for day off; (with 2wks notice). No offense intended.
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This is an ongoing problem for employees who must work. I have been there and have had the most difficult times to get even an hour off for emergencies. Given that your father is being placed into a health care facility and there are interviews, etc. I would see this as a one-time problem and would pray that your employer will give you the time off. As to taking time off for your mother's doctor's appointments, that cn be a problem. If there are absolutely no evening hours available, consider changing doctors who do have evenings for people who work or consider hiring someone, such as an aide or caretaker. I doubt your bosses will allow this as doctor's appointments are ongoing and most just don't care. Did you discuss this when you were being hired, probably not as you most likely would not have gotten the job. I hope you have "humane" bosses in your job. Offer without pay or staying later another day to make up the time. But be prepared for a NO answer - cruel but this is what they do. Consider also, do you really want to work at a place with such rigid rules? Good luck.
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My job is pretty flexible when it comes to this and lets me come in earlier or stay later if I have to duck out for a couple hours for my mom's appointments. Ask if it is a family friendly workplace, most places want to be seen as having healthy balance between work and personal life.
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I always had to hire a person to take my parents. She provided the transportation, stayed with them during the appointment and reported back to me afterwards.
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Kimmersue72 Aug 2019
what state do you live in?
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Be honest - that you have appointment to be at.
Ask about if you need to "make up" the time missed because of appointments.

If you are only going to have infrequent appointments, most employers are reasonable. If you have to be at an appointment every week, you need to explain this to your employer so you can negotiate work and family obligations.

You need to also talk to your parents' doctors about your work commitments. They can easily send you email messages about whatever is covered in visits. Make sure to have a medical power of attorney or legal guardianship established. Otherwise, your parents need to sign consent with each doctor to give them permission to share medical information with you.
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Be up front with your employer & even offer to make up the time if possible - if they are not reasonable then look for a better job because 9 hours a day 5 days a week = 45 hours a week which is a lot unless you really love it - remember your boss has parents too
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
To be fair, it’s only 8 hours of work a day. The other hour is lunch/breaks. That is pretty standard for a full time time.
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What I have often done when I need to accompany a family member to an appointment is to say that I need to be at an appointment. Not untrue, but not opening myself up to someone who may not understand why another adult needs this level of aid.
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Look for family photos in boss' office: Compliment family & note U fortunately have parent...THEN - ask if he/she has parents, grandparents. You'll get a feel for how much family means. Comment how you respect that a person with that much responsibilities at work can also be such a good family Care giver. Then mention That you'd like to request the Time to care for your Parent, Making up any time by coming early or staying late or eating lunch at your desk. If you have a reference that can prove you can do both that's even better. Assure your boss that you will do everything you can to schedule appointments around any important work obligations. You may actually wind up impressing your new boss versus worrying them about your performance. If you can try to come in a little bit early for work through lunch or stay late right away, Your boss will know that you mean what you said And that hiring you as the right decision. Results and performance are what it's all about. Good luck. I was a single working mom and I know how you feel. I now live with my dad, 96.
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I would most certainly speak with your employer about the assessment for your dad. It was (presumably) a preexisting appointment. It isn't clear what your job is, or if you could "make up" the time lost for this assessment or would be allowed to use a vacation day or personal time off (perhaps without pay.) If the current date/time of the assessment is a problem for the employer, ask about rescheduling and work with employer for a better date/time?

As for regular appointments for both mom and dad, I do understand how they might not remember or relay the important information. Most doctors now have "portals" in which they post lab results, notes from exams, etc AND it includes a messaging tool, so you can post questions and they can respond. If you have another way to get them to the appointments (and they are accompanied by someone such as an aide), you can get the doctor's office to post everything they would have said during the appointment. This is even better than being there yourself, as it is documented. If you have concerns, either before or after appointments/results, you can post those in the messaging tool. If the doctor is any good, you will get a quick response (mom's first doc out here wasn't so good about that!!! The replacement is EXCELLENT!) This would eliminate/reduce the need for you to be there/take off time from work and provide you with all the issues/information/results.

IF they don't have a portal, then consider having your parents transported with an aide or someone and have the doctor call you during or after the appointments or provide the results/information via mail (NOT email!) I would also suggest to them that they consider GETTING a portal!!

Assumption is that you have medical POA so they will allow you to have access. Since the parents are living in some kind of facility, they should have a transport system - it will cost extra money to use it and have them provide an aide, but it would be worth it.
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I'd be checking into the wording/materials of benefits for employees. Do you get sick time? Does it have to accrue? Are there so many employees that you have access to use the FMLA? What are the hours of your business? Can you make the time up?
Going down the slope, can you call in sick? I think as an employer I would prefer someone being upfront and honest. In this day and age it is likely someone else is dealing with the same situation. If they can't tolerate it then you may need to find a more flexible job, if your family is the priority, which it sounds like considering you made a move to be closer.
If you can minimize the time away, schedule the appts for the end of the day so you leave just a wee bit earlier and don't lose as much work time, that can help. IF mom can manage appts on her own, then you might want to go to one appt so you can be eye to eye with doc and staff and sign paperwork so that you are allowed to be informed. Then the doc must understand and agree to communicating with you...either you filling him in prior, and/or his calling you are emailing after.
I wouldn't hesitate to point out that it seems your efforts are all for a good goal that will result in dad's being some place safe so that you will be able to work hopefully with less disruption, i.e. that this is temporary. I might have shared the situation at the time of the offer of hire. Good luck...also there is a website or FB page for "working daughter" and she just came out with a book of that title.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
Even if there are over 50 employees, she can’t use FMLA until she’s been employed there for 1 year AND worked 1250 hours.
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A couple of thoughts come to mind. If you don't have a POA, you should try to get one. Once in hand, you can make arrangements with the doctor(s) to have them provide you with written reports of her visits.
A second thought - usable only if the appointments are few and relatively far between, is to do what I did in a similar situation. I was brand new to a job and knew at the outset that we were due in court for an adoption hearing. I told them up front and they were fine with it. Employers (at least in my life) have been sensitive to the need for personal medical care/appointments as well. Caregivers rarely have sufficient evening appointments available to those who work. So . . .
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Tracy, did you speak with your employer? Do you have any clear idea now of how to move forward? Will you update us when you do? Thinking of you and hoping all goes well with the new job.
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For similar reasons, all the doctor and facilities have a form to be filled out, signed by your parent(s), giving you the right to get the information of what gets said. We did that for my mother when she was diagnosed for dementia, and my wife and I do it for each other. I have it on file with Medicare, our clinics, my VA appointments.

You can also limit what sort of information gets passed on to you. By having that permission, in writing, you can even get the information over the telephone.

Robert
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PStracy, I agree with the other posters about being up front with your employer. If you decide to stay with your job, you’ll need to work out with your employer when would be a feasible time to take off half a day to take your parent to the doctor and offer to make up the work time by either adding an hour a day to your normal work day or maybe working a modified schedule. You then will have to coordinate doc appointments and your parent may not get their issues addressed as quickly as possible, but you’ll be able to be there for non emergency visits. Another option is to hire someone to chaperone your parent on appointment days. Visiting Angels is an agency that you might check out. They have minimums of using them weekly but you could hire them to be a companion to your parent while at the facility too which would also give you another person on your team to keep you abreast of what’s happening. You’re in a difficult situation and one many of us have experienced. Depending on what your job is, the problem solving solutions will need to revolve around a variety of factors. For me, I ended up working part time and gave up my career. ( don’t recommend that as it’s cost me a lot in many ways) It was just too difficult trying to juggle appointments for two parents who were still living at home. Once they were in a facility, it was easier to have as many things addressed by their in house staff as possible. I think it’s called home health care that is part of Medicare. You have a nurse that comes in weekly to check on your parent. You can shop around for different companies as all are not equal. Facilities usually have a company they work with, but if you don’t like the one they use, you can use one of your choice. Good luck to you as you get through this stage of change in your life.
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I certainly sympathize with what you are going through my Mom recently was diagnosed with dementia and placed in a facility. I’m an only child with just my two sons living in California with my mom most of our family is spread across
the east coast.
I have a stressful career where not a lot of downtime. When started noticing issues with mom spoke with my immediate superior to let her know situation and I may need to take time off to get mom to appointments on short notice.
I have tried to schedule time off either early morning or late afternoon. My younger son a college student has also stepped in when his schedule allows to help with grandmother’s appointments. Now that mom is in a facility her caretaker will be helping us with mom’s appointments.

You mentioned being new on the job even if don’t qualify for Family Leave protection have you tried speaking to an HR representative for guidance? Or maybe union representation?
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Would you be able to hire a patient advocate who attends doctors appointments, and then you could act as a coordinator for your folks. Not being there may seem like you are failing them, but you are not, it is just caregiver guilt, don't let it consume you....if you have a representative who takes your place you can still be providing them with the help they need and give yourself peace of mind. This will mean that you need their permission and getting it from your father will be easier now, more so than later. It might be that your employer will be understanding and you may want to only go on a few appointments and send your hired hand to go in your stead alternating. Dementia is going to be a tough one once your father progresses and these cases often are going to in fact require full time care. As again when it comes to that, if it comes to that...let us pray not...that your new job will still be a job that requires your daily attendance, thus, you will need to sleep at night to be able to keep your job, you will also need someone to care for your father in the day time while you work. I would research day programs, where they have activities for seniors with disabilities, giving your mother a break during a few days a week and then also ensure your employer that you have it all under control with appointments, and future care needs, being transparent with them should they begin to wonder why they hired you...you will show them, they did the right thing...you will have had a plan in place to handle these upcoming appointments and more! All the best, hope this helps. Someone else posted about a church organization being able to help out, as opposed to a patient advocate, it might be cheaper to go that route. Good luck.
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Luckily my dad has good funds and we are able to hire a care manager to manage all of his appointments. She attends some of them and has a caregiver attend others (at much lower cost). I only attend those appointments I feel necessary, such as when we start with a new doctor.
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