I’m struggling with making the decision to place my mother in a nursing home. Any advice?

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I’m struggling with making the decision to place my mother in a nursing home. Any advice?

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My mom is 76 and has lived with me for almost 20 years. Her mobility has declined to the point that she can hardly walk with her walker so she sits and sleeps in a recliner all day and night. My mother is incontinent and uses pull ups. She can’t change or wash herself. She has an aide for a few hours but fights to get cleaned. It has become so difficult to watch. Because she’s very large I can not assist her as much as she needs. In addition she keeps getting cellulitis infections because she’s sedentary and doesn’t take her water pill. My mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago but stopped taking the antibiotics they sent her home with so she had to be admitted again. Anything to do with her care is a battle because she’s so stubborn. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and feel I can’t care for her properly at home. I have so much guilt because she wants to come home and doesn’t want to be in a home.

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"I can't care for her properly at home" is a sign that you need to place here where she will have oversight to make sure her medications are taken and that she is changed, etc.

She won't like it. But you are at the point where you cannot provide the care she needs and as a loving daughter - will find the care she needs. In a nursing home. You will visit her and be her advocate. She will not be abandoned - you will both just have more hands (as needed!!!!) for the job of taking care of her. She needs a village now.

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My mom lived with us for over 20 plus years. She too helped with my daughter. She was young I was young. It was a great situation. My husband had no problem with it. This was in the 90’s. She worked. She’s worked since she was 15. She had a wonderful life. Fast forward to 2015, She’s diagnosed with MCI. Fast forward to 2019 , she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s with progression. ( I thought it always progressed). But none the less, she started to become a danger to herself. I , an only child, seriously couldn’t watch her 24/7. She is in a memory care unit since July. She’s doing ok. Wants to come back. There’s no possible way that’s going to happen. She’s too far gone. She didn’t know my last name at the nursing homes Thanksgiving brunch. Kept thinking I was 10 years younger than I am. She’s now needs depends. I’m in therapy , because the stress of living in a crisis mode possibility every day has taken its toll. She had major falls. My husband works night turn. My daughter was in college. I truly was on call for years. My blood pressure rose, I did not sleep. It really came down what’s best for her and for me. It was hard. , extremely hard, but she’s cared for , and I’m trying to recover myself. There’s a limit to the stress. The anxiety, the amount one human can do for another. I wish you luck and courage . You will find it in yourself when you really have no other option. At least I did. Again. Good luck

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I can definitely relate with living in crisis mode. It seems that’s been my life for so many years I can’t remember a normal life. My son lives with me and has many problems as well. I feel like I’m at my breaking point and have nothing left to give anyone. It’s getting harder to focus on my job. I haven’t had a vacation in 7 years. My vacation and sick time has mainly been spent in hospitals with my mom and my son. I wish I could take some time to just rest and recover myself but my hands are full. My mother doesn’t factor me into the equation at all. She tells people I’m like her mother. She doesn’t understand how dysfunctional that is. I’ve been in “machine mode” for so long no one views me as human. Thank you for you kind words and well wishes.

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Your mother is not cooperative and that is where I would draw the line. Sitting in her own urine? You have been taking care of your mother for twenty years and that says so much about you as her daughter, but time has come where you can't do this any more. You need to leave it up to the professionals who are equipped to handle difficult cases like your mothers. I have been taking care of my 97 year old mother for about nineteen years now, and she is extremely cooperative, kind, does most things I ask of her. My goodness, if my mother was not cooperative, kind and polite I think I would find it very difficult to take care of her 24/7. It is difficult enough in the best of circumstances. Please do not feel guilty about placing your mom. She is not receiving the best of care at home for what I read. She is too much for you to handle now. You want what is best for your mom.

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Your mother 'doesn't want to be in a home' yet refuses to do what she needs to do to stay in YOUR home. And I want to win the lottery. Wants and needs are two different things, I'm afraid.

Your mother, I believe, has taken the choice OUT of your hands as far as placing her in a SNF. You have to, she's become unmanageable due to her sedentary lifestyle, obesity, and stubborn refusal to do what she needs to do. Are you supposed to wind up hospitalized YOURSELF in an effort to lift her up before it becomes 'okay' to place her? No........you're not.

If anyone should feel 'guilty' about anything, it's your mother, not YOU. You have done nothing wrong, certainly, in taking on her care for TWENTY YEARS now! SHE, on the other hand, has made herself into a burden by making poor choices, over and over and over again to the point where now, her choices have been removed.

Go check out some local Skilled Nursing Facilities and choose one where the residents & the staff seem happiest. Where it's bright and sunny, where she'll have a nice room and good care, in a place where there's socialization available, along with activities and decent meals.

It's a win-win for all concerned.

If you want to read more about feeling 'guilty' in the situation you're faced with, check out a thread I started a few days ago called When Is It Okay to Surrender?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm
Be sure to read the comments for some more insight into placing your mom.

GOOD LUCK!

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Thank you so much. Guilt is a huge thing in my family. Always has been. My mother is an expert at it. When she first came to live with me she was pretty healthy and helped raise my kids. She never drove so I always had to drive her everywhere. Over the years it progressed and she was able to do less and less.
I’d say it’s been a bad 8-10 years starting with major intestinal surgery resulting in a colostomy. My son also has some serious health issues. At this point I’m just completely overwhelmed. I will check out the thread.

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I will assume Mom has little in the way if income and assets.

Where I live, rehab and LTC is in the same building just different halls. The next time Mom is in the hospital hope that it' for 3 days. If rehab is offered, take it. As soon as she is admitted to rehab talk to the SW.
Medicare will pay 100% for the first 20 days. 21 to 100, 50 %. The amt Mom would owe after 20 days would be maybe $160 a day. If Mom can't afford that make the SW aware so Medicaid can be applied for. Then talk to the SW about permanent placement in LTC. Explain that with her size and health problems you can no longer care for her in your home. Don't mention she is not good about taking her meds. If asked be honest.

Please, don't feel guilty about ur decision. Mom is where she is because of the choices she has made. Her overeating has contributed to her health problems. And she continues to jeopardize her health.

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What is the struggle? Just ask yourself if you can truly keep going with her care when you KNOW it will get worse? What about your life? what about your relationships, privacy, time for you? If you haven’t lost those yet, you will. Are you willing to give up YOUR life for your mother who is proving she is not going to do as she is supposed to? I’m very familiar with the stubbornness factor too,,.
Bottom line, what I learned when trying to have my mother in my home:
1. I was exhausted because I became the personal servant, cook, cleaner, etc.
2. I had no me time because it was all about her, take here here, take her there, to every appointment.
3. I found that I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
4. I found that I was getting angry, stressed, and hateful because I hated dealing with her, her messes, and her stubbornness a bout taking care of herself, her failing memory, and her other issues.
5. I found that its so true..you can take a Horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
The day came where she left my home open, and set a fire in the kitchen.
I found that I was no longer willing to have her here and lose everything that I’ve worked for all my life. So ask yourself...are you willing to lose everything? If not, let go of the guilt and do what is best for both of you - she must go into an AL or whatever is required. My lord you’ve been dealing with this for 20 years? You must be a saint! Best wishes...

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Your response totally resonates with me. I’m pretty much stuck at number 4 at this point. It hasn’t been this way the whole time she’s been with me but for at least 8 now. Although I’ve always been her chauffeur and been responsible for maintaining and paying for the house expenses. It is certainly taking its toll on my mental health and my life in general. Thank you for your well wishes !

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Now is the time to ask the hospital SW for advice. She may not want to go to a home,, who does? But you know you can't take care of her. Save yourself if you can,, this is the time

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I talked to the SW about rehab. My mom has had two stints already. Instead of improving and working to get stronger she sits all day and refuses PT once she’s home. I kept telling her if she became completely immobile I didn’t know if I could continue to have her with me. Now her level of disability has become unmanageable. My mom is even resisting rehab. Over the past month was the worst with her sitting in urine which started to make the house smell like it.

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I’m struggling with making the decision to place my mother in a nursing home. Any advice?

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