My mom is 76 and has lived with me for almost 20 years. Her mobility has declined to the point that she can hardly walk with her walker so she sits and sleeps in a recliner all day and night. My mother is incontinent and uses pull ups. She can’t change or wash herself. She has an aide for a few hours but fights to get cleaned. It has become so difficult to watch. Because she’s very large I can not assist her as much as she needs. In addition she keeps getting cellulitis infections because she’s sedentary and doesn’t take her water pill. My mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago but stopped taking the antibiotics they sent her home with so she had to be admitted again. Anything to do with her care is a battle because she’s so stubborn. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and feel I can’t care for her properly at home. I have so much guilt because she wants to come home and doesn’t want to be in a home.
Your mother, I believe, has taken the choice OUT of your hands as far as placing her in a SNF. You have to, she's become unmanageable due to her sedentary lifestyle, obesity, and stubborn refusal to do what she needs to do. Are you supposed to wind up hospitalized YOURSELF in an effort to lift her up before it becomes 'okay' to place her? No........you're not.
If anyone should feel 'guilty' about anything, it's your mother, not YOU. You have done nothing wrong, certainly, in taking on her care for TWENTY YEARS now! SHE, on the other hand, has made herself into a burden by making poor choices, over and over and over again to the point where now, her choices have been removed.
Go check out some local Skilled Nursing Facilities and choose one where the residents & the staff seem happiest. Where it's bright and sunny, where she'll have a nice room and good care, in a place where there's socialization available, along with activities and decent meals.
It's a win-win for all concerned.
If you want to read more about feeling 'guilty' in the situation you're faced with, check out a thread I started a few days ago called When Is It Okay to Surrender?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm
Be sure to read the comments for some more insight into placing your mom.
GOOD LUCK!
I’d say it’s been a bad 8-10 years starting with major intestinal surgery resulting in a colostomy. My son also has some serious health issues. At this point I’m just completely overwhelmed. I will check out the thread.
She won't like it. But you are at the point where you cannot provide the care she needs and as a loving daughter - will find the care she needs. In a nursing home. You will visit her and be her advocate. She will not be abandoned - you will both just have more hands (as needed!!!!) for the job of taking care of her. She needs a village now.
Bottom line, what I learned when trying to have my mother in my home:
1. I was exhausted because I became the personal servant, cook, cleaner, etc.
2. I had no me time because it was all about her, take here here, take her there, to every appointment.
3. I found that I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
4. I found that I was getting angry, stressed, and hateful because I hated dealing with her, her messes, and her stubbornness a bout taking care of herself, her failing memory, and her other issues.
5. I found that its so true..you can take a Horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
The day came where she left my home open, and set a fire in the kitchen.
I found that I was no longer willing to have her here and lose everything that I’ve worked for all my life. So ask yourself...are you willing to lose everything? If not, let go of the guilt and do what is best for both of you - she must go into an AL or whatever is required. My lord you’ve been dealing with this for 20 years? You must be a saint! Best wishes...
Where I live, rehab and LTC is in the same building just different halls. The next time Mom is in the hospital hope that it' for 3 days. If rehab is offered, take it. As soon as she is admitted to rehab talk to the SW.
Medicare will pay 100% for the first 20 days. 21 to 100, 50 %. The amt Mom would owe after 20 days would be maybe $160 a day. If Mom can't afford that make the SW aware so Medicaid can be applied for. Then talk to the SW about permanent placement in LTC. Explain that with her size and health problems you can no longer care for her in your home. Don't mention she is not good about taking her meds. If asked be honest.
Please, don't feel guilty about ur decision. Mom is where she is because of the choices she has made. Her overeating has contributed to her health problems. And she continues to jeopardize her health.