I look after 3 members of my family and my dad's health isn't brilliant and he moans all the time that she doesn't do anything but he has bought this on himself and now I have to deal with it. If my dad goes before my mum she will expect me to be there 24 7 and I don't want to be relied on that much. It's bad enough now and I've only been looking after them for 3 years. What can I do? I've tried.
You say you want to make her "a little bit more independent again." In what sort of ways? And when you say again, has anything happened that has made her less able to manage? Was she doing fine but now is finding her normal routine difficult?
Is your father currently your mother's primary carer? - if his health isn't good, that needs to change. Too many carers die before the people they look after, and we don't want to add him to the list.
Where do you live, roughly, by the way?
You live with your children and your other half.
Your mother lives with..?
Your father lives with..?
Your older brother has muscular dystrophy and lives with your other brother.
Who is the second person who has muscular dystrophy - your father or your other brother?
Why would your father be complaining about your mother's loss of independence if he is not responsible for her care or dependent on her for his care?
I have no idea what you mean by saying "he brought this on himself." What difficulties is he experiencing, and aren't you being a bit harsh anyway? It sounds as if the family as a whole has a good deal to cope with.
You say your mother has only been "like this" since she entered the menopause. Like what? We have no idea what she is like or what it is that she isn't doing that you feel she should be able to cope with.
I asked where you're located because there are all kinds of resources and support for families, for people with muscular dystrophy, for older people, for caregivers and for women having a difficult menopause. But without knowing roughly where you are, we can't suggest where you might look for help.
REf. your question on your post. I think it's pretty difficult to get people to do something that they don't want to do. Sometimes, they are incapable due to cognitive issues. Sometimes, they are restricted due to physical ailments. And, then sometimes, they are just the way they are and aren't inclined to change. Working around the clock to get people to change is something that I'm not prepared to do anymore. (Oh, I'd keep in mind that some people APPEAR to be capable of doing things, but, they really aren't. They may have lost some of their ability and they are embarrassed to let you know.)
If your mother is 79 and has been like this since she started 'the change' - unless her menopause was very unusual indeed you're talking about a history of at least 20 and probably more like 30 years. Unless, maybe, she was on HRT for an extended length of time?
But I still don't understand what it is you feel she ought to be capable of doing that she isn't doing. Could you give us some examples?
Has this been going on literally for decades, then?