Mom has lived in our home for 9 months. I have on many occasions asked for financial support from trustee. I have always been told it had to be a company that provided care not me in order to be paid. A room was built for her and now she requires a modification to make bathroom accessible. Trustee/Beneficiary always uses the "attorney advised" statement whenever a question is asked. In the trust it states any care mom needs not specific to a company that was my dad's only request that we take care of mom, I don't want my mom to see us fighting but it is not fair that my husband has to do all the upgrades without support that was clearly set in place by both parents.
The wording in a Trust is specific but also generalizes what is considered reimbursable to you for her care.
Time for you to stand together with your husband, to get your remuneration in place for your care of your Mother, or time for Sister to learn what it costs to shell out monies for Mom's care in facility.
If Sister will not attend this attorney, her attorney (who is paid for by Mom's funds in the Trust) then you will have to get your own attorney, and work on the hard task of placing Mom with legal moves. Once you move someone into your home it is HER home, and this will be no easy task. I hate the thought of your being a warning to others in this position, but that is unfortunately what you are at this point and I hope against hope that you can turn this around for yourself. I am so sorry this has happened and SHAME ON YOUR SISTER. Do know that others here have seen Mom's and Dad's left on the doorstep with suitcases of the "trustee" responsible LEGALLY for their care. It might be something worth your sister's consideration.
I would also ask for copies of the "attorney advised" alleged claims by which your sister interprets your requests.
Another option is more extensive, and that's to get an attorney to review and interpret the provisions addressing your mother's needs.
Another important issue is that if your mother needs to have a bathroom modification, it affects her mobility and health, and is what I would consider a necessity. If your sister denies your mother such a necessity, in my opinion, she's compromising her health and safety. That could be a breach of the trust terms.
You'd best rely on legal support for that kind of approach though. And it could become contentious, but your sister's first obligations are your mother's needs. If she's not doing that, I would think she would be in breach of her obligations.
Do you have a copy of the Trust? Does it say that you would be reimbursed for you being her caregiver, and that any home improvement would be paid?
I see in your profile that your Mom is in her 80's and has Alzheimer's/dementia. Please note that your Mom's condition is only going to get worse, and eventually you will be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each day.
You and your sister may want to have a conversation about Mom's future. If Mom would do better in a Memory Care facility, especially since she has a Trust that could pay for said care. You would still be following your Dad's request of taking care of Mom.
I just wanted to comment that you should not spend YOUR money for upgrades for your mother. Also, you should be paid for caregiving.
What actually remains most important is your mother’s care AND THE FACT that if you are unable to provide the care that she needs without using your own funds, she MAY NEED another care setting.
NO PROMISE made by one relative to another about care giving of a third party should ever be honored unless ALL PARTIES INVOLVED are in COOPERATIVE AGREEMENT.
Your father either did not realize that your mother’s care would require “emptying the bedpan” OR would not fully embrace accepting the responsibility to do so.
Politely but firmly ask for the “attorney” who is “advising”, and get THEIR INPUT”.Aren’t you entitled to that? You ARE a pretty important part of the equation too!!!