Imminent sibling estrangement due to lack of concern and money. How could someone dishonor their parent and live with themselves?

Has the sibling actually said what s/he plans to do with the bonus legacy, if I can put it like that? Does the sibling have a different opinion about why the insurance policy benefited only him/her? - i.e. doesn't agree it was mere oversight because of time passing?

Legally you haven't a leg to stand on, as you recognise; but also morally - what dishonour? Your mother may just have forgotten about the policy but doesn't at any point seem to have given a general instruction requiring absolute equality among the three of you either.

It's a difficult topic for you or other sibling to raise because however tactfully you might phrase something like "I think we can be pretty certain that mother would expect you to share this, don't you" it's going to look (and in fact be) self-interested. Is there a neutral party you might confide in, who could have a gentle word with the sibling about it if necessary?

I understand the hurt, anger and frustration that you feel.
Feeling anger towards someone does NOTHING to them, does nothing to change the situation. All it will do is build up more hurt, anger and frustration in you.
Why let your sibling live in your heart and brain rent free?
Move on.
If there is anger all around, after all the money was to be used by 1 to help others out I am sure the one sibling that got the insurance money will feel barbs of anger not just from you but from the other.

Not too much you can do about it today - I could be wrong but it looks like a done deal

Dear Nuturbynature:

I certainly understand your enormous frustration and anger. On some level, I might feel as if the effort I put into caring wasn't fully acknowledged, in that failure to update the distribution of the insurance.

I must add, I am always rankled when I see commenters instructing an inquirer, e.g., "let it go." The dilemma is yours to work out, in your own time, in your own way. When others try to control, and issue commands - well, as the saying goes, "Unsolicited advice is criticism."

On the other hand, personal experience is helpful. "Don't tell me what to do, only God (however you might define) can do that; tell me what *you* did."

I had the reverse situation with my brother 25 years ago: I received the $10K insurance. I immediately wrote him a check for half. I've been financially hard up since that time, but he has never offered to help. Oh, well.

My practice is always to try to talk through misunderstanding and conflict. Most people, though, I find, much prefer to avoid confrontation, and are happy to live with whatever scenarios dance in their imagination. But I'm very curious by nature, so I tend to want to reality-check my assumptions, I want to know what the other person is actually thinking. And I want my thoughts heard. It's important for me to speak my truth, regardless whether the other person hears and understands. The point is (1) to make the effort to connect with another human being (especially a family member), and (2) to affirm you have a reasonable complaint, and a constructive desire to resolve the problem.

There is so much estrangement in previous generations of my family; I've had to work hard to keep conversations going to prevent more estrangement in this generation. I learned a rule of thumb: (1) say what you mean, (2) mean what you say, and (3) don't say it mean. LOL

I'll add, my brother is very troubled, and has very little capacity for discussion. For the sake of staying connected, I don't challenge him to discuss much. I really don't like pretending all's well when all's not well, but there are some desperate people who are so limited. I don't know where your sib falls on the continuum of mental health.

Just a creative idea: have you thought of putting on paper an accounting of the value of the time, energy and actual dollars you spent caring for your mother? First, I think you would be astounded at the number (and, I daresay, you could take pride in the incredible service it shows you rendered!). Then, too, you could present the calculation to the sibling who has inherited the insurance, as support for your request for reasonable reimbursement.

As I said, my family is rife with estrangements in the previous generation, which have had a very destructive impact on this generation. No good faith attempt to communicate and try to resolve a misunderstanding or conflict has ever left me or the other person poorer for the effort.

Only you know the many variables of your situation; you decide the next steps.

Best of luck to you, and PEACE!

Sorry for your loss. My father just passed after about a year of health issues. Zero help from my older two siblings during his decline. You’re only hope and solace is that you did right by your parent in helping and caring. Live in peace. The others will suffer the bad karma. Take care of yourself and as hard as it may be you may need to cut ties with the estranged. It happens.

Let go.................block the phone and let them take any belongings they want. Cleanse your mind of resentment and judgement so that you can set yourself free. I wrote a letter to my older brother to tell him I never wanted to see him or hear from him again; he was a horrible brother, a horrible son and a loser husband (which was none of my business, but I felt sorry for his weak wife).

I have been free of resentment and contact for 40 years and I'm grateful that I took the high road. When we carry the burden of hate, we weigh ourselves down and set limitations on our happiness: don't do that!

Nurturbynature: I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and send condolences. In many a family unit, there are going to be issues where one adult child does the caregiving. In your case, this is about a life insurance policy. Perhaps the beneficiary indeed was not updated by your late mother due to forgetfulness (understandably) or other factors. You won't know the particulars UNLESS you ask the recipient.

You were a wonderful child and your sibling was not. But things get overlooked and then you have to live with it. I'm was the executor of a trust and the wife left a share to her brother, who had predeceased her. When he died she should have rewritten the trust so that all of that share went to that brother's child who actually kept in touch with her. That niece had two brothers with who had estranged themselves and hadn't spoken to my friend in almost two decades. But because the trust was written that if the brother died that that share would be left equally between his living children, each of the two estranged brothers got as much money as the "nice" child. Everyone agreed that it was not what "Evelyn" wanted, but there was nothing to do but write the checks. It's too bad this happened to you and your mom, but things get overlooked.

You know you did right by your Mom. That’s what counts, right?

Also, you can’t change your sibling’s behavior or make him split the inheritance he received. All you can do is change your own behavior - how you react and live with the event.

He’s obviously not going to change, so you have to make peace with that and move on, so you can live your best life - or it inhabit a piece of your soul.

I think there are two things to note about this. First, you do for your parents what you want to do, with no regard for possible inheritance. Do not expect others to share your opinions, they probably will not, as each of us is different and each of us had a somewhat different relationship with our parents.

The second thing is that when we prepare for our own last weeks/months/years and for the disbursement of our own estates, we should not assume that our children will do as we expect. Set up funds (if there is any money) for your own care, and assume that whoever cares for you should be paid from those funds, as long as they last. Have an attorney help you set up a will to govern the dispersal of everything in your estate and make your estate the beneficiary of insurance policies and investment and savings accounts. Leaving accounts to one child in the belief that that child will provide care or will share with others is silly. It rarely turns out that way. Everything should go into one pot that can be divided along the lines you choose. It does not need to be divided equally.

I wish my Mom had left instructions in her will to leave the bulk of her estate to the two sisters who spent more time caring for her than any of the rest of us. Not that the estate is worth much, anyway. However, I wish that Mom had acknowledged the two with a shared half of her "massive" $5,000 estate and shared the rest between the remaining 3 of us. Or maybe she should have given it all to them. I got a few family heirlooms from the house and really didn't need or want anything else. Naturally, I tried to sign my share over to my younger sister, who both deserves and needs it more than I, but she won't take it.

I do not understand this odd compulsion to try to make everything equal in death when nothing is even close to equal in life. Nevertheless, you did what you wanted to do for your mother. I hope you can achieve some peace and satisfaction with that and ignore the money. It is not worth your time and energy to worry over something over which you have no control. Sympathies and hugs.

I too, am going to come at this from a different perspective. You say you are a person of great faith. I don't know if that faith is Christian faith, but if it is, then I think you have an obligation to forgive your sibling. Is the money really worth losing a brother? In the book of Matthew chapter 18 there is a parable about how we are forgiven much and how we are supposed to forgive others. How would your mom feel about you writing off your brother and being unwilling to forgive him and have a relationship with him because he got more of the money from her will than you did? When you did those things for your mom you did so out of love and respect for her. They were hard things, and took a big emotional toil on you. I think you anger may be more in the fact that you don't feel appreciated for all your effort by your siblings. If you get to the heart of the issue, the fact that you are feeling unappreciated and take some time to grieve your loss, you may find you have more compassion in your heart for your brother.

Let it go. The anger you feel hurts no one but you. The most important thing is knowing you gave your all to caring for your Mom. May she rest in peace.

Saying prayers for you to find peace and putting your stress and irritation for your sibling behind you. You can’t change the situation or brother and so why waste your emotion and time with that and instead be grateful for the time and opportunity to care for your mom. I have been through this very scenario and I really had to get past how I felt he should have been as a son but he Is a narcissist so there will never be any reasoning with him and actually it was also a blessing in disguise that I didn’t have to deal with him for the 3 years my mom was ill and lived with me. Of course I couldn’t see any of that in the midst of it but in time I’ve learned that it was a true blessing to share that time with my mom and If I had to do it again as stressful as it was.. I sleep very well every night and I’m grateful! No room to dwell…not going to do anything but hold you back or stuck in the past.
BTW I have nothing to do with my brother; I don’t want someone like that in my life regardless that we’re related.

Do not expect any of the insurance money that went to the uninvolved sibling. It may well have been an oversight on your mother's part, but that's what happened. Many families have no insurance policies or investment portfolios for any of the survivors. If it helps your own perspective, consider that the oldest sibling has less time left to build his or her own resources and may need the extra money for health care themselves.

I have found that there are Givers and Takers in this life. Unfortunately too many takers and money grabbers. If your brother cares about the money more than his family then I would let him have it and ask whether you want somebody like that in your life. If he doesn't offer you a share then query it and see what he says. But know that you did right by your mum and you are the better person.

You could confront that sibling but I find in the end most people are selfish and greedy .

First, I'm sorry about your loss, and thank you for caring for your mom. She was lucky to have you. It takes a lot of time and patience to care for a loved one.
Second...Please don't get me wrong here, but I'm going to play the flip side of this situation. Please realize....Some people are not cut out to be caregivers. Some people realize there is more to life than caregiving. Some people ARE too busy. Perhaps they have obligations to a spouses parent, a disabled child, cannot afford to put their job on the line to care for their parent, perhaps they travel for work or live a long distance away from the sick parent and can't afford to travel often. There are so many scenerios that could legitimately make someone too busy to care for someone. Sounds like you were lucky enough to be able to afford the time and effort to care for your mom. Yaay for you. You go on saying how you were the caregiver and your sibling done nothing. Did you specifically ask this sibling to do anything to help outside of the caregiver part? Such as pay the bills, etc? You said yourself they checked in often. Evidently, that wasn't enough. Some caregivers want to be in charge of it all, then complain no one done anything to help. I'm not saying this is you, just saying. Did you specifically talk to the sibling that inherited the insurance policy about receiving your fair share?
Who had POA who could have helped mom to get this fixed before she passed? Who was in charge of the will? This person had the responsibility to make sure all proceeds were to be divided equally and they failed miserably to split the proceeds up accordingly so that your sibling that inherited the insurance policy would have got their $ and you and the other sibling would have split the rest to make sure that all 3 siblings got their equal fair share.
From what I've read, it sounds to me that you are kicking this sibling to the curb because you didn't get what you think you deserve. As i recall, the policy was for $10K. So your equal share would have been $3,333.33. Life is not fair. Had this sibling mistreated you or disrespected you in any way in the past? Is this sibling putting the insurance $ aside to actually take care of you in some way as you stated or are you assuming the worst? It sounds to me that it's all about you and money. Let that stuff go and get on with your life. If you let estrangement set it, then you've got to realize there is NO chance of getting that money you are wanting so badly. Even if it's your fair share. If you keep positive lines of communication open, at least you've got perhaps a chance to get something. If you feel the need to be upset and put the blame on someone, blame your mom...or better yet, the person who was the representative of the will. . All this could have been eliminated had someone done their job diligently and made sure all the money was fairly distributed. I say Let. it. go. Life is too short.
In today's world, 3K is not a lot of money that you can do much with besides putting a wedge between you and your sibling. Perhaps look at it in the way of the value of your memories with your mom. I'm sure all that extra time with her was worth more than 3K. It's your choice because life is full of choices. Good luck to you.

It is amazing the way that the poor health, advanced needs or death of a parent can bring out the absolute worst in sibling children. Sometimes, you have to think that it is the way those parents wanted it to be. That parent could have changed the beneficiary to that policy at any time. We can only hope to move forward with our own children. My mother (turning 100f this year) lives with my wife and I. Neither of her other children could do this. I'm her POA in every respect. Two years ago, I made sure her will spread whatever she has left after her demise equally between all three. My intention is to never carry slights into the future. Help me hope it works out that way. It is no one's fault to be born, and whatever we feel we owe our parents is our own decision, no one else's.

We are all wired differently. Simply put.

My siblings badgered my cognitively impaired father to change his beneficiary from my mother, to the two of them ~ he died nine days later due to an “accident.”

Months later, as my mother lay dying in a hospital bed, a sibling walked in and, in the last words he spoke to me, they said, “I can only stay an hour.”

I was the primary care support for my parents the last 4 years of their lives and dropped everything at each crisis moment.

I wish you peace as you close that door of that relationship and cherish the bond with your likeminded sibling. It’s okay to let go of people who you will never understand.

Thank you for being the angel to your parent. They knew goodness.

A somewhat similar situation happened to me and my younger brother. For five years, Dad was dying slowly and Mom developed cancer and an unknown heart condition, so she went quickly, while he lingered for years, poor guy. Until the very end for Mom and the last 3 months for Dad, they were home with my younger brother and me. We did what little we could for them, and our older brother - who was 4 hours away, had a wife with health problems and 3 kids to raise -rarely even visited. Mother told me shortly before she dropped dead that she wanted to change the will, which had divided their estate into equal thirds. She passed before a lawyer could tell her, as mine did later, that since their will had been signed by both and Dad was not considered competent mentally, it was frozen anyway and there was noting to do. I never brought this up with the older brother, since there was no point. Once Dad was in the nursing home, he did visit more frequently than we did, because another relative had told dad that I was evil (his legal guardian) and was just in it for his money, so when he actually did recognize us, it wasn't pleasant and added nothing to his happiness or ours. So try to forget it - I know it must bite and is unfair, but I doubt you can do much now unless somehow you could sue the estate for the worth of your care. Even if you prevailed, other than feeling vindicated, would you want to live with the family enmity you know in advance would arise from this? As a former paralegal, I know it could drag on and on and put you through another whole grieving process on the stand. KBH

NbN, my brother's and I each had very different relationships with our parents. One brother did most of the heavy lifting. I did what I could. One brother was much less involved.

It is YOUR choice how you approach this issue. You can speak to the issue with your brother, telling him that you think this unequal division might have been an oversight on mom's part and that you trust him to do the right thing.

Or you can leave it alone. Or you can allow it to drive a wedge.

The ball is in your court.

I'm assuming you spoke with your sibling to ask for a share of the insurance policy. Even if you don't get it, you may not respect this selfish side of your sibling, but think about whether it's worth estrangement just for money.

My mom does not have any kind of insurance at all but only ss monthly. So she don't have a will, so money is not something she has but before her decline over years to the point she can't take care of herself at all, she lived in an apartment for many, many years and with only that ss she was able to live modestly.

Dementia tho, has eaten away at her over years. I seen her independence robbed from her.

Now she lives with me for 14 months, now I care for her full time, regardless of Healthcare providers watch her as I go to work, I take over once I arrive.

Anyway.. yes.. she has a younger son but he don't care anything about her, even skips visiting me at all, don't call or text me because he knows he will be updated about his and my mom so he don't bother at all to communicate with me. I don't believe it bothers him at all that he doesn't care at all. If he's willing to cut me out of his life because I'm caring for our mother he's a cold SOB. I seen that now, the reason I talk about me and him because I loved both he and my mom but in the back of my mind I knew something was off with him and during my mothers decline he faded away but I did not think he would cut me off.

At least your brother made futile attempts. Mine did not at all.. no he don't live in another state like my moms sisters who also stopped communicating with her. He lives a Mile down the road from me.

So yes.. siblings can be very cold..

Find peace knowing you did the right thing. I don't think your brother will do this but it isn't to late for him to do the right thing and split the insurance

In a perfect world. There could have been 3 beneficiaries on that policy. My 2 girls are beneficiaries behind me on husbands insurances.

You are going to have to let it go. It would be nice if sibling splits it 3 ways but don't expect it.

You actually have 2 issues that are not related. Your sibling who is going to get more than the other siblings - that difference needs to be dealt with separately from the other issue. The other issue is the time and concern shown to your mom and how to deal with each sibling's differing amounts of care and concern.

Start by finding ways to come to terms with what actually happened over the course of your mom's life. Look at what you invested into your mother's life and find peace with yourself over your time commitment. If you have animosity with another person, find a counsellor who can spend a little time with both of you to talk over the issues - and hopefully find pathway to peace and forgiveness for any slights.

Then, look at your relationships with your siblings. figure out which relationships are worth investing more time into and which less time. Learn to let go of animosity and find ways to love.

The money thing is what it is. Let go.

You may have to let it go. Maybe mom did intend for the insurance money to be split evenly, but she failed to do it that way. If someone else is in charge of the probate, they might call it to sibling's attention in a subtle manner: Hey, we have $10K in the bank account and you have that $5K from the insurance that mom said she had in your name to split with everyone. Based on that, we have $15K to split up. Can you let me know when you get the insurance check so we can divvy everything evenly like mom wanted?

As far as what sibling did or didn't do to help, you have to understand some people simply are not caretakers and have no guilt about it. Those who chose to do it - chose to do it. Don't sever the family over the problem that, basically, was created by mom. Not worth it to have a dollar bill cut a relative off.

AlvaDeer: "Some people just aren't very nice".

Agree. Some are like sharks. Swim in, take a huge bite for themselves. Swim away.

Sometimes it is not worth the financial or emotional ruin to go hunt them (unless you have a very strong expectation of success).

The bite has been taken. Best to heal & build a shark net.

This is one of the reasons why I as a financial planning professional revisit beneficiary designations on an annual basis.

Your sibling has no legal reason to share the insurance proceeds with you. If as you say the policy was set up a long time ago, was it done when you and your other sibling were minors? In which case it makes sense.

No one is obligated to provide care to their parents, or visit etc. Even two siblings who were raised in the same home can have very different upbringings and feelings about providing care. It does not mean one is right and the other wrong.

It sounds like she had not yet made that decision, so give it a bit and maybe she will do the right thing? One can always hope. My FILs will was a bit convoluted, and the trust made Hubs and I sure that we didn;t want that mess, luckily we have only one child and if anything is left it will be hers . My hubs did EVERTHING for his folks until they had to move in with BIL, as my folks were already living with us. They asked to move in with us but there was no way it could work. FIL bought a new huge house, paid ALL the bills, house paid off, and the works said to divide everything 60/40. Yep,, BIL got the huge house and we got the vacation home ( worth about 1/3) of the estate. Plus some investment money set up 50/50. Plus BIL had the trust pay all the bills for the property they got and lived in for the year it took to settle the estate, while we had to pay all the bills on the vacay home.. Shady yes,, but it is what it is... We hoped for the best,, but at least we are OK knowing we did our best for his parents while we could. Sometimes you have to just let it go..