My mom has dementia, early stage but I am learning that her mind will never go where I want it to anymore.
The problem is that she was an impatient and not a very warm person in my growing up years. When I was an adult she seemed to undermine everything I did. I was always trying to be "good enough" in her eyes.
Well now she has dementia, she acts the same way towards me (not really a surprise) but I am getting impatient with this. I am "setting my boundaries" as an adult but am realizing that she no longer is able to understand this.
I ask her not to do something, tease the dog for instance. 15 minutes later, with the dog snarling at her, I once again ask her not to tease the dog and explain the danger. An hour later she is teasing the dog. She does not remember any of the previous conversations.
The issue being that she really does not remember previous conversations.
Anyone have ideas?? I feel like such an awful daughter.
Barb
No, you're not an awful daughter...but we end up feeling lousy about ourselves anyway, like we're all supposed to be angels with our halo's glowing 24/7. It would take a saint not to get impatient with alz/dementia patients. It's very hard, the same repetitious crap over and over being so annoying, yet knowing it's part of the disease and they really can't help it... I remember once, early on in her alz, telling my mom that she had already asked me the same damn question 100 times and that she was driving me up the wall...I'll never forget the look of fear on her face. I immediately felt like a louse. I realized in that moment that she had no memory of asking these questions so many times, so from then on, I just answered them, over and over and over again. She still drove me nuts, but I kept it to myself after that point. Getting impatient with her seemed unfair. When I felt really crazy, I'd just go outside, walk away from the house down to the lake, and drop one F bomb after another and cuss like a sailor for 5 minutes. Then I felt better. lol
Care giving is no easy road. I haven't felt like I'm myself in ages. You get to a point, or at least I did, where all you feel is frustration and downright anger almost all the time, and you hate that about yourself, damn yourself for it, tell yourself that you shouldn't feel that way, but can't seem to freaking stop those emotions. :/ It's normal, and doesn't make you a bad person. It's very important to get away from care giving as often as possible, especially if it's something you're doing full time. I can't stress that enough. I know it's easier said than done, but you MUST find a way to get out, get away, and do some of the things that YOU enjoy, that relax and revive you. Something, anything, that brings you peace or it seems like you're always on edge and unhappy. I'd go and sit down by the lake, even for a few minutes. I play online fantasy games and I'd lose myself in that for awhile. I'd get up really early in the morning, like 3-4 a.m, just to have that precious ALONE time, where nobody needed me, called me, or wanted me. God, I needed that alone time like I needed oxygen. Even if I was completely exhausted, I'd wake up at that time anyway, my body and mind's way of telling me that I needed time each day to myself, away from the endless demands of being a care giver. I lived for that time. The way I see it, we all need that time. And I hope you make a point of snatching some for yourself. It will make a huge difference.