I had my sister move in with me because she is disabled and needs help. She wants to pay me for all the things I do for her, which, now I realize is a lot. I don’t have a life anymore, I am beginning to feel like I am 87 and I am 70. With absolutely no help from her children, what should she pay me? Honestly, I don’t want her money, I want her happiness. But I have given up my happiness and independence and feel slowed down to her age and disability. So, to answer her question of how much she should pay me, what would that be? What would a caregiver/cook/housekeeper ask for? This is a 24/7 issue. No help from her children whatsoever! Thank you
You should not be "giving up your happiness" for your sister. Neither do her children have any "obigation" to help. Let's just be clear about that.
Is your sister paying you room and board, or are you splitting living expenses, like roommates?
If your sister requires a lot of caregiving, she should be hiring help to come in. If she is low income, she should apply for Community Medicaid to assist.
Contact your local Area Agency on Aging as a starting point. They will do a "needs assessment" and advise on her level of need and how to go about securing help. She would probably also benefit from 'case management' services.
https://www.officeonaging.ocgov.com/services/contracted-providers
We never went through with this at least not yet. I didn't want to deal with the business side of that, with reporting to IRS and taxes taken out, etc.
Hopefully, others who are doing this will give you better info. :)
Your 'job' should be being a sister (sounds like you are the model kind)
There is no price that can be put on your happiness and independence.. besides, she needs you healthy and happy. What good would money do you if you cannot enjoy it anyway?
If there is a way to look after your sister and yourself at the same time, go that route even if you split it between you and a psw ...but in taking care of your sister you have to also take care of yourself.
She is so lucky to have you for a sister and I am guessing she knows it.
Several posts have given you ideas how to get help.
You should not be giving up your life to care for her. Would she want you to? Would she give up her life to care for you? Truthfully, we might say we would but in reality that is a tough ask of someone.
And more importantly let her do what she can for herself even if it takes her longer than it would take you to do the task.
There may come a time when Assisted Living will be a better option.
AND your sister should pay you.
Document, document, document.
Have a contract.
Any money that she spends for her care should be documented so that there are no problems later.
Ask her to task one of her kids with financial duties/paying bills. This will protect you legally. You don’t want to be in a position where her kids claim she lost capacity, yet wrote your checks directly. Never write checks or send money through Venmo directly to yourself from her account.
This could ultimately be a 24/7 job. Accordingly, consider asking an hourly rate (rather than “fixed price” weekly rate). (Make sure that you also report and pay taxes on this income).
What about room and board? That has a value (taxable as income too). If you are an “employee” this should be spelled out up front to prevent a later rift. (Even if this is great with your sister, it would be helpful to have sign off from her kids).
Research the relevant salary range (considering your qualifications) then charge at least a little less (to prevent later problems with her kids). (It would be rotten if they ever accused you of “using” their mother for a free ride/financial gain—so retaining this research information and your rationale somewhere is important. I would ask them to all sign an agreement that acknowledges they are aware of the complete arrangement.
Caregivers usually have a flat fee related only to hours worked. Develop a time sheet for you to track your hours. Keep meticulous books.
Thank you for being a great sister! Your sister is very lucky!
You will know from other posts how all-consuming caring for a disabled person can be. It’s not fair to you or your sister to assume that role and then feel anger and resentment toward her family.
It might be wise to consider getting more help for your sister during the day most weekdays. Consider asking family members, friends, and members of faith community to volunteer. Consider if your sister has resources to pay for an adult day program - usually weekdays in a personal care home or nursing home - which is probably the least expensive "paid caregiver" option. The next option is to hire a home health aide for at least a shift or 2 during the week. Residential care is the most expensive option but is covered by Medicare and Medicaid.
she is lucky to have you as her sister .
There is no fair amount of money to pay someone who is completely in charge of a disabled person 24/7/365. Even if she paid you NH rate - the nursing home people work in 8 hr shifts. You are responsible all of the time. The $$ will not give you back your life or make things easier.
Use her money for as many hours as you can. Every cent she has coming in each month. If she has savings or other assets, dig in to that as well. Perhaps it will get you out of the house again. You might call her kids and let them know what level of care you provide. It's very possible kids haven't helped because she never asked them to.
Look into places where she could have care part time and pay for that ( like a week a month) If she has financial means to do it.
Sadly the other issue is her children. How does she feel about that? Is she able to ask them for a visit so you get a break?
Lots of answers from others on fair pay but if money is less important then your feelings of losing your independence, perhaps her money is better spent on ways you can have breaks while she is cared for.
It wears on you mentally and physically but God always seems to give me the strength usually to carry on. xoxo
Since now I'm on medicare I will be seeking a therapist to talk to as my brother's never want to hear usually about her heath due to her hoarding that we've dealt with for years.
My mom came so close to passing away in our apt., a few weeks ago and I contacted my daughter and both brother's in tears.
My youngest brother amazed me when he said, he's coming over to see her.
That meant so much to her that morning. :)
Men have never been strong enough like us women!!!
I've been fighting a breakdown for over 3 weeks from severe stress.
Very Blessed I picked up an evening job through my mom's kind of boyfriend.
Work for this 95 yr old 5 nights a week for at least 4 hrs each night.
I charge 15.00 an hour and I know I could be making more, but I do it out of love!
The 95 yr old does not like agency's as they never open up and talk to her with compassion and love like I do.
She is now in horrible pain with either a fracture in her back or a herniated disc and I feel her pain as I too have been in her shoes. She refuses to go to the hospital, which I understand totally.
Her doctor had her call a spine doc yesterday and she can't be seen until 2 weeks from now, but praying she can be seen sooner.
I told her last night she should let me take her to an urgency care center and will tell her again tomorrow night when I see her.
At times we all feel so helpless and mentally drained, as they show anger towards us at times and then later are very kind.
Always remember to take a few hours of me time as this helps greatly.
Have a Blessed Day and Take Care of yourselves as well.
Let your sister know you love her! She is very lucky to have you! God Bless You!
First things first..You are a blessing to her and she knows no amount of money can take the place of genuine love for Caring for Sis.
It is extremely hard mentally and physically noooo.. doubt about it! I know what that looks like and it's no walk in the park. You really need a lot of support, prayers and TLC.
You both can come to an agreement in Love and do what is best.
It does take money to pay bills buy food hire help..etc.......!!! so get counseling if you can this way you'll have everything in writing.✍
When ever money is involved especially with family attitudes change regardless of the situation so be prepared for that.
Pray about it and enjoy each other because you'll wish for more time when your love ones are gone.
Take lots of pictures and videos as I always say.
Live life to the fullest and walk in Love..that pleases our Father in Heaven..😇
If your sister has some money to help pay for her care, maybe she could pay for some additional part-time help to give you a break. If she badly needs it to be you who does her personal care, maybe she could pay for a cleaning service or other household maintenance so you would not have to be doing everything yourself.
As for this being your life right now, yes, maybe that is true. Look for small ways you can make bits if time and space for yourself as part of this life Take pride in taking care of your sister with grace and compassion.
You will probably hire and fire a few before you find the right fit but don’t give up. And don’t overlook independents, just make sure they have local references you can call.
God bless
If it's not the money and you feel overwhelmed then you should ask for money to hire a Caregiver to come a few hrs a day or every other day, ect to give you a brake.
You might use her money to hire a weekly cleaning service.
You might use her money to have Dinner Delivered/Take Out once or twice a week.
I always believe in going to lunch with a friend, get your hair done and get a pedicure. Sometimes, working so hard, we forget to be women. I am 89 years old and only my hairdresser knows for sure. Hah.
Is your sister invalid and you have to literally do everything for her? Bathing, transferring, feeding, etc...?
Is she incontinent and in diapers?
Does she have dementia and you can't leave her alone at all?
Being a caregiver is a job and no job should take over someone's entire life no matter how much it pays.
Consider what your sister's income is and what the household expenses are and then you can come up with a fair amount. Also, hire some outside caregivers a few hours a week to help with your sister and to give yourself a break. You MUST have some respite where you aren't caring for your sister. Think of what will happen to your sister if you get sick from caregiver burn out and exhaustion. She goes into a care facility. So please, get some time off.