My mother-in-law broke her hip 2 weeks ago and is being released from re-hab today. She lives alone but my hubby (her 62 yr old son) and I live about a mile or two away. My hunch is that she should be in some sort of longer term rehab setting but I believe she insisted on going home because she has anxiety at "nursing Homes".
My problem is this: hubby's sister (who is also local but about 20 miles farther from his mom) is single and works from home and has carried much of the burden of caring for mom-in-law. My hubby and I, while closer, run a VERY busy company and have very little free time to care for her. Now sister is RAGING in resentment and insisting hubby spend the night with his mom. I'm not interested in sleeping apart from my hubby and I've made it clear that we are not available for this, but that we would absolutely arrange for a home caregiver to do this for her (spend the night). Mom-in-law and sister won't have it.
Hubby has now been essentially been bullied by his sister and mom and is spending the night there tonight. I guess I could join him but I have 2 dogs to care for and quite frankly I'm upset they are not respecting my wishes. Question: am I being selfish? Running a business is EXHAUSTING and I just don't have it in me. I've made it clear that I can spend several evenings a week there but I can't do more. She has plenty of $ to hire someone but she won't. Again, trying to determine if I'm being unreasonable to resist having hubby and I separated at night like this....thnx
Good luck!
What is he going to do overnight? He wakes up in the morning and leaves and she is alone during the day..she can fall or injure herself just as easily during the day. And if this is a concern is the hubby sleep over going to continue to a full day shift as well?
As long as the house is safe for mom, a bathroom and bedroom on the same level so she does not have to climb stairs, no trip hazards, throw rugs removed, door mats removed, no cords lying across the floor....she will be just as safe at night as she is during the day.
I would replace overhead and hall lights with motion activated ones so that if she goes into the hall or a room the light will come on and she does not have to search for a switch.
SIL is probably worn out with the hospital care, rehab etc. But it isn’t her right to decide what her brother will do. They should have had a discussion over the last two weeks on who was up for what. If MIL wants help in the home she should hire it.
SIL is setting a bad precedent allowing MIL to call the shots. If SIL wants her mom to have a nurse, she should spend the night herself. But I do know how very tired she must be if she has been the one on call through all of the past few weeks. Her work is important as well.
It is one thing to pitch in during an emergency but quiet another to expect people to drop their own lives in order for MIL to not have to deal with caregivers.
MIL is asking you to change your lives so she doesn’t have to change hers. Everyone’s time must be respected. But the 91 yr old doesn’t get to decide how the three of you spend your time. There will be plenty of time to volunteer to help out when the next fall happens or the caregiver doesn’t show up or whatever calamity occurs. For routine caregiving, plans need to be made to bring in help.
If MIL expects her children to give up their livelihoods to nurse her, that needs to be flushed out and dealt with. It’s a hard reality that must be faced when we age in place. Help will be needed.
Once these details are worked out, life will be easier for your SIL as well. It’s a tough time for all concerned.
It can be a hard learning curve but it’s not helpful to put it off. Good luck.