My mother-in-law is 92 yrs. old. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s approximately five years ago. She is married (45 years) to her 95 year old husband. They both live at home. She is in the late stage of Alzheimer’s. She is incontinent. Her speech is limited, she cannot dress or bath herself. She cannot cook, clean, or do cleaning or laundry.
Her Son (my husband) has medical and financial power of attorney. We live in Florida, they live in New York. My husband has made arrangement's to for home companion aides for four hours per day for the last 3.5 yrs.
Her condition has worsened. She was sleeping all day not getting out of bed. My husband flew up to take her to the hospital as his step dad was not making any decisions or taking care of her. He is 95 years old but is physically and mentally fit. My mother-in-law did everything for him, his entire life and in return he has done nothing to help her. It’s been my husband, her son who has done all the caregiving.
My father in law has not helped her ever during her illness get out of a chair, made her a meal, changed her clothes or soiled pants, has not bathed her, not gotten her in or out of bed, has let her lay in a soiled bed, has not helped her on off of the toilet. She has fallen in the house, and he calls his son to help pick her up but never tells my husband. He finds out from the home aides. My father in law has made no safety upgrades to keep her safe to prevent her from falling. My husband has asked him multiple times to call 911 or an ambulance for assistance. But he does not. She’s progressively gotten worse without proper care. My husband flew up and took her to the hospital because she had been lying in bed for almost 24 hours. She was admitted, and treated for dehydration, and bronchiolitis, and had a contusion on her bottom. The hospital has sent her to a rehabilitation center to help build her strength with PT and OT.
Knowing she is in an unsafe environment my husband is now looking into making arrangements to place her in a nursing home. He sat down with his stepdad to discuss the cost and his stepfather refuses to pay for any nursing home. She cannot go back to the house. It is unsafe.
I want to know in the state of NY if spouses can deny paying for the others spouse’s support related to a nursing home expenses. At this time they are not Medicaid eligible.
Thus, if anything happened to my Mom, my Dad who was great at fixing things around the house, would have been totally lost when it came to caregiving, cooking, and cleaning. We can't blame men of that era, it was was it was, the women controlled the running of the house. And I bet, if father-in-law tried to help, in the beginning of his wife's dementia, he probably got scolded.
As for father-in-law not wanting to pay for nursing home care for his wife, what is his excuse? Is he terrified that money will run out when it is his turn to go into a nursing home? Or is he blind to the fact that his wife needs more help then he and an Aide who is there only 4 hours per day.