She has been told over and over NOT to answer the door when I'm gone. But yesterday she opened it to a stranger..I can't leave her any more so I am confined to my home.
I am wanting to 'go inside' myself to escape and that scares me. I have done that once before and almost didn't come out again.
All I need to do is feed her three times a day, do her laundry and empty her bedside commode. She sleeps most of the rest of the day. At 99, she is medically healthy and will probably live to 105 or longer. At 80 I have no future..
Does anyone else feel like this? Nothing ahead....
What do you want to have ahead? Once a therapist had me make a list of what I would be doing if I weren't being a full-time caregiver. What would be on your list? I'll bet there are things on there you won't really be able to do as long as Mother is alive. But it is also probable that there are some things on that list that you could start doing now, in small ways, especially if you get some in-home help.
What is the reason you haven't hired some help?
The obvious solution, of course, is to move her to a nursing facility. I'm gathering you can't afford to do that. And for those who are quick to say "Medicaid," as we all know, first mom has to be broke. And, right or wrong, some of us rely, at least somewhat, on our parents' inheritance to help us when we get old.
I'm 67; mom is 87. She's been with me a year. She can't be left alone either. Every day, I wake up and briefly think, "This isn't quite how I'd planned to spend my golden years." Then I shake it off and do the next right thing.
I, like you, love my mom very much.
But here's the deal. I simply will NOT believe that you cannot afford to hire a companion for your mom. Someone who'd come in for 4-5 hours twice a month at MINIMUM to give you some sense of "having a life." Here in the Chicago area, that would cost $220.00 a month through a service.
While I personally wouldn't do it, one could hire a college student or a (younger) gram to sit with her; tell a student to bring their homework; tell a gram to bring whatever. At $10 an hour, I'd imagine people would be very happy with that.
I'm making some assumptions here, as you can tell. Two Social Security checks; MAYBE somebody's got a tiny pension; MAYBE there's a paid-off home on which one could take a reverse mortgage in order to get money to caretake. Or MAYBE one or both of you have an actual nest egg that's been saved for a rainy day.
It's pouring outside.
You deserve more. You really do. It sounds like you are caring for her alone. I couldn't do that. If it weren't for Tom, mom would be in a nursing home. Mom saved for that rainy day; and she did a great job. She's spending it now. On respite care so that I can have "a life."
It's not the travel that I thought I might do; it's not that cruise we'd planned to take. But it's good solid "me time" -- and I couldn't do what I'm doing for mom without it.
If you want suggestions from people here on how to do things easier, what services might be available to BOTH OF YOU, etc., I hope you'll give us more information,
There are very caring people here with lots of great ideas . . . but if all you want to do is vent? This is the place for that, too.
*Hugs*
I had to force myself to get out. I started small with Saturday Mass. It was my favorite Mass but I had been going to Sunday a.m. because it was more convenient.
Then I started to call friends here and there just to chat and I found that asking to hear about them (because I had nothing to offer to the conversation) worked very well. It got me out of myself for the duration of the call.
These are very little steps we can take to poke our head out of our hidey-hole and start to become a part of life. No big moves are needed, just poke your nose out there for a few minutes to smell the roses and you'll feel better. I did.
Yes, my Aunt could very well afford 'Assisted care'. She WILL NOT PAY for it. She is still in control of her money decisions. When it comes to money, she is 'sharp as a tack'. She counts every penny. She may forget what she spent it on, so I have to keep records she can see to refresh her memory. I have finally got her to go to respite 'once a year', so I can have a Vacation. This year that Vacation was 'going to Michigan to bury my Husband'. It was sad BUT so totally freeing. It was the first time EVER, I could go, when or where, I wanted, without having to make arrangements or schedules.
You ask about my 'Bucket List'. It consists of TRAVEL and NO RESPONSIBILITIES. Just picking up 'on the spur of the Moment' and doing WHATEVER. This is not possible as long as Auntie is living. I feel she will live to at least 105 and possibly even 110. I take very good care of her..The only med she takes is a thryoid pill. The Visiting Dr. checks her every three months and is amazed at her numbers.
I will 'break' at some point and the decision will be made for both of us. But I'm hoping That doesn't happen for a long time yet. I am working on a possible 'sitter' for 3 hours 3 times a week. It's trying to discuss it without letting her know, until it's set-up. She would lose sleep over it and worry me to death with her 'solutions' as to why she doesn't want or need someone.
Then sit and calmly outline the options for her. You are NOT discussing whether you are moving. That is settled. She could move to Michigan. She could stay in Florida. Do you need to sell the house for your own income needs? Either explain that or explain that she can continue to live there and what it will cost her Spell out the option she has in Florida. It sounds like she is the type who would relate to price tags on each option.
You have been most kind and generous. Now it is your turn to be good to yourself. Do not stay in this prison. Auntie just can't expect to live without expenses for the next year or five years or more. Let her decide what she'll spend her money on, but make it clear that her choices will not change your decision. You are going to Michigan. Non-negotiable.
I am very sorry for the death of your husband.
If looking after her in your home is your choice, I respect it. If moving her out of your home and into a place of safety is your choice, I respect that. But saying you are in any kind of prison, velvet or otherwise, when the key is in your own two hands..? That makes no sense to me.
See All Answers