I wonder how everyone feels about telling your children all that you are going through. My son lives 30 to 40 min. away and will always come if I call him for help if something breaks down. Other than that I don't hear from him in weeks. The other day I invited them ( son, daughter-in-law two teenage grand kids for dinner, he neglected to tell me it wouldn't be till almost 7pm before they got here, so when I called I told him it was too late, by then my husband, who has dementia was falling asleep. The next time I invited them over, my husband was having incont stools, so I cancelled again. He said, next time we talked, it was becoming a joke as to if they would actually make it over. I e-mailed him (my son) the following day after cleaning him (my husband) up, the toilet, the floor him, his clothes, and told my son every thing I'm going through and what it's like taking care of my husband. How does everyone else feel about what I did? I know my son has his own life and issues that he needs to deal with. I guess I just expect more support from him.
Your son can’t really be expected to offer support if he thinks life for you is moving on as it always has. Unless he has a clearer perspective on how you’re living he has no way to reasonably decide if and how much he can do to help you more.
‘My heart goes out to you. Hugs!
I am sorry that your husband is suffering. Hard for you and your husband to be dealing with this. How are you coping? Do you have any help? Can you contact Council on Aging to help?
How long has your husband been suffering? If you only recently told him give him a chance to process it. He is busy with his life, his wife, children, job, etc. Share your feelings and thoughts. If you have a good relationship, I am sure that he would want to know your situation.
Nothing wrong with telling your son what all is going on. It might help him to understand a bit better. And maybe you will get some moral support that you so badly need.
Are you trying to cater to son's needs and schedule? You can no longer do that, it is all about your hubby now. Son has to understand that and so do you.
Thank you for sharing with us. I hope your son has a little more understanding now of the meal dilemma. There is help out there for your situation. My mom will be calling her local agency on aging Monday. Bless you hun. Please take care of you.
Hence, I try not to lean on him a lot. But we can, and do, communicate and commiserate.
Maybe they could bring takeout so it is easier for you and gives you a bit of a break, instead of more work feeding all them.
One thing I know for sure, I am willing to help if I am asked. Being told everything is fine, what do you help with?
I hope that you can get some help for caring for your husband. I am sorry that you are going through this, ask for help and be open, it will help your stress.
Hugs!
Your son is interested in you and does care about you, but he is not a mind-reader and not he nor anyone else can grasp what full-on caregiving is like unless somebody explains! - so now you have, and that's good. It's a new *start*.
How did son respond to your email?
💕🤗Hugs
That way, if they choose to help, they can either ask what they can do or simply show up and help out. In fairness, I have asked very little of them and they have no idea how sick I have been.
My kids have been so disappointing in helping me with my bout of cancer. My son has just ignored me completely, and my daughters are all busy with small kids and jobs and such. They are under the VERY false illusion that their dad was helping and he has done next to nothing.
I'm far from bedridden, I'm just trying to recover from 6 months of chemo. My son expects me to show up for Thanksgiving for a week and when his dad or I say I am kind of really sick, he says "Oh, playing with the kids will be so fun for you!" Honestly, his kids won't put down their phones to talk to us.
But I do keep them up to date, so they can't say they didn't KNOW. Someday when they themselves have stuff like this to go through, they grow up and 'get it'.
And I have really good kids---I think I'm not unusual in this. Mom is ALWAYS healthy and in charge and putting everything together. They still don't 'get' how hard this has been, and how incredibly depressed I am.
Trying to learn how to take care of myself--I'm 63 and have never put myself first. It's a hard learning curve!
It sounds to me like you could benefit from some assistance. Can you hire someone to help with hubby? Or at least to do some cleaning, etc? Sounds like your work load is pretty high.
Best of luck.
You need to tell your child(ren) what you are going through. My kids have no idea what taking care of their disabled father involves. If they made a joke of it like your son did, they’d never get another invite. Or, I would have them spend a few hours with him, alone. Things would definitely change. I certainly cant see my daughter change her father’s dirty incontinence briefs.
Dropping the worst on your son and family in an email, pretty well out of the blue, could well come across as a criticism for him not knowing and not helping. Let them come, so they know and they find out how to help on the spot.
Hoping this works out and take care of yourself.