As a relatively young caregiver (43), I think much of my resentment and irritation often comes from the fact that I've done the marriage thing, the divorce thing, the raising the kids thing...but I've never had the opportunity to do the alone thing. I've never once lived on my own without a spouse, kids, other relatives (spouse's or mine) living with me - not once. So sometimes I feel my relatively young age and my situation as caregiver for my mom makes me resentful of the fact that I really have no life of my own. (Of course, I don't let that resentment show to mom or anyone else, but it's there, and I'm sure it's there for others as well.)
I was just wondering how old other caregivers here are, and if the more mature caregivers feel as stuck and resentful as some of the younger ones.
Don't get me wrong - as I've said in another post, I know that like many caregivers, I put myself in this situation, and no one forced me into it. I volunteered to drop everything in my life and move in with Mom because she needed someone, and I was the only one that could do it without too much difficulty (boy, is "difficulty" a relative term!). But I thought it would be nice to see thoughts from others to get an idea of the range of ages.
In the meantime, my Rheumatoid arthritis kicked back in big time, along with OA, causing degeneration of both knees and then a hip. Stress induced, I am sure. I'm working my way towards health with a knee and hip replacement in the past six months, and the last knee to be done soon.
I am thankful Mother made it through, and life in general is going well. Does that stop the resentment? No. Unless you've walked in a caregiver's shoes you don't understand all that is involved - the stress, the time (doctors, prescription management etc.), the loss of being carefree. My kids resent the situation, too, as we don't have as much 'just us' time anymore. Looking forward I hope to never put them in my shoes as a caregiver. Not sure what I'd do differently, as I am glad to provide a home for my mother - just wish there was more freedom for me.
What I feel is furious...and also sad. Furious when I hear people older than I am--with two living parents--complain that their healthy mother did something to annoy them, while I have to sign the book in the nursing home lobby to see mine. And I feel sad that if I have children, they will never know who their grandmother really is, or experience her love. I feel sad that I can't ask my mom for advice when I really need it. If it matters, I've been married for two years.
I am looking forward to September (Lord willing) when I will have my son graduated from high school and that will be off my mind. Then I can focus more on dad. I don't know how long he has to live. If his memory continues to fade he may end up in a memory care facility. What I DO resent is that I have a niece who lives 30 minutes from dad who does nothing to help (my brother's daughter; apple didn't fall far from the tree). She lets dad drive on the 2 lane highway to HER house to visit her (he goes because he's lonely). I had to go to LA to a funeral (Husband's Aunt) and asked her to come to dad's house and make a nice dinner and visit with him. Did she do it? No. So, I have to bite my tongue and not say anything. She does have 2 kids but dad has really helped her out alot so some payback wouldn't hurt.