As a relatively young caregiver (43), I think much of my resentment and irritation often comes from the fact that I've done the marriage thing, the divorce thing, the raising the kids thing...but I've never had the opportunity to do the alone thing. I've never once lived on my own without a spouse, kids, other relatives (spouse's or mine) living with me - not once. So sometimes I feel my relatively young age and my situation as caregiver for my mom makes me resentful of the fact that I really have no life of my own. (Of course, I don't let that resentment show to mom or anyone else, but it's there, and I'm sure it's there for others as well.)
I was just wondering how old other caregivers here are, and if the more mature caregivers feel as stuck and resentful as some of the younger ones.
Don't get me wrong - as I've said in another post, I know that like many caregivers, I put myself in this situation, and no one forced me into it. I volunteered to drop everything in my life and move in with Mom because she needed someone, and I was the only one that could do it without too much difficulty (boy, is "difficulty" a relative term!). But I thought it would be nice to see thoughts from others to get an idea of the range of ages.
I am looking forward to September (Lord willing) when I will have my son graduated from high school and that will be off my mind. Then I can focus more on dad. I don't know how long he has to live. If his memory continues to fade he may end up in a memory care facility. What I DO resent is that I have a niece who lives 30 minutes from dad who does nothing to help (my brother's daughter; apple didn't fall far from the tree). She lets dad drive on the 2 lane highway to HER house to visit her (he goes because he's lonely). I had to go to LA to a funeral (Husband's Aunt) and asked her to come to dad's house and make a nice dinner and visit with him. Did she do it? No. So, I have to bite my tongue and not say anything. She does have 2 kids but dad has really helped her out alot so some payback wouldn't hurt.
What I feel is furious...and also sad. Furious when I hear people older than I am--with two living parents--complain that their healthy mother did something to annoy them, while I have to sign the book in the nursing home lobby to see mine. And I feel sad that if I have children, they will never know who their grandmother really is, or experience her love. I feel sad that I can't ask my mom for advice when I really need it. If it matters, I've been married for two years.
In the meantime, my Rheumatoid arthritis kicked back in big time, along with OA, causing degeneration of both knees and then a hip. Stress induced, I am sure. I'm working my way towards health with a knee and hip replacement in the past six months, and the last knee to be done soon.
I am thankful Mother made it through, and life in general is going well. Does that stop the resentment? No. Unless you've walked in a caregiver's shoes you don't understand all that is involved - the stress, the time (doctors, prescription management etc.), the loss of being carefree. My kids resent the situation, too, as we don't have as much 'just us' time anymore. Looking forward I hope to never put them in my shoes as a caregiver. Not sure what I'd do differently, as I am glad to provide a home for my mother - just wish there was more freedom for me.
Everyone who comes to this site has their own cross to bear and many diverse reasons for taking on the task. You have reached the end of your capabilities and quite rightly are not prepared to continue.
I am 77 and when I joined A/C was in reasonable health and saw myself as the caregiver for my husband who has several potentially serious physical and mental illnesses. I mainly took over the financial side to things and helped him remember things like appointments. Just an extension of our way of life . He can be very difficult at times and we both realize it is because he is angry at the situation rather than at me but that does not make it any easier.
That all changed in the fall of 2015 when I became seriously ill and close to death several times. Reality slapped him in the face and he had to take over everything which he did with varying degrees of success which was not without trying very hard. He became totally exhausted and close to non functional. Things are slowly improving as I am able to regain strength. At this point I can totally relate to being the caregiver and the patient. I really do understand why the elders both demented or just aged behave the way they do, plus the strains of caregiving are very apparent although no where near as difficult as some of the other posters. Notanga you have every hope of moving forward and although you may not be able to resume your previous high paced career you are probably very employable as an instructor for the next generation of flight attendants or similar. Let the professionals do their job and move mother to whatever level of care she needs and I personally feel confident you will be singing a different tune in a few weeks.
Keep on going. !! (Happy Father's day to Father's, Dad's, Grandfather's, Great Grand Father's and Great Great … and beyond Father's. Oh… I almost forgot… Father - to - be. . Adoptive parents Mother's and Father's… and every man that wants to be a F A T H E R!!!!
Faith
Action
Trust
Heard
Everlasting
Respectful
(F A T H E R)
No one seems able to give us any prognosis beyond dementia being a progressive disease.
We can't take the kids out and about without lots of planning either because grandma can't handle anything other than 74 degrees and can't walk much.
So I'm really trying not to be resentful not only of her but of her kids. They should be taking care of her but can't for a variety of reasons.
My mum has dementia and i know she would not want me to give up my life to look after her if she was normal and i have no intentions of giving up my life five years is a long time and now i want my life back and start living again before its too late my dad died in december and its really wakes you up to what life is about and i learnt that i want to make the most of mine while i still can. 48 is still young and i just cant see me doing this for much longer its no life i dont go out have no real friends and hate this town its not my choice to live here maybe cargiving would be easier if i even liked this place but i dont even my mum hated it as it was dads choice to live here not hers.
I think its different for everyone here some are happy doing this job and some arnt and i think your own personal circumstances have alot to do with cargiving if i was doing what i love careerwise had a supportful family a life and like this place i would have no problem looking after mum but the fact that i dont like it here makes this job alot worse.
Dad we knew has dementia just how severe I did not know until he moved in as mom had been compensations for him for a long time.
I had been planning on going back to work part time in addition to my hobby business. Our house is a quad level and cannot be modified in any way to have dad avoid all the steps. My greatest fear is that he will fall down the steps. So my sister, husband and I have recently made the decision to have dad live in a memory care assisted living facility that recently opened. It is still very close by and the place is awesome.
Mom was always the worrier and now that she is gone that has passed on to me. Though only 3 months into caregiving I look in the mirror and can see that I have aged and I weep at the changes in my life quite often. I have not really mourned the passing of my mom because my focus had to shift to my dad. Before I had relocated my parents we had looked into assisted living in their hometown two hours away. I wonder at times if mom would still be living if they had moved into assisted living instead of closer to me their daughter.
What are her physical problems? You say your sister won't help so why do you think you have to be the one? There have to be other solutions or ask yourself, do I enjoy playing the martyr?
Before I took over dad's finances they were a real mess. His house was in forclosure. I could not let my dad & his wife be homeless.
My 73 year old mom is demanding to live with me. She made a number of bad financial decisions in her life & now she expects me to bail her out.
My dad is 76 & I am handling his finances because he is fiscally irresponsible & squandered his lump sum pension distribution. Now he is reduced to social security.
I am also resentful. While my divorced parents showered money on my deadbeat brother & sister I got diddly squat. Now when I have been looking forward to retirement I can't.