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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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When you have the worst of these thoughts, tell yourself that you don't mean it, and then if possible, go for a walk by yourself. Walk until you're tired, and it might help you relax and regroup. Physical exercise is the best relief I've found when I have unsettling, angry thoughts. Good luck - you can do it!!
here are a couple suggestions - Get on Instagram - Quicksilver has Thomas Victor Carroll does a Guided breathing Meditation for free on Mondays East Coast time at 4 pm and also His Page Thomas Victor Carroll - Wednesdays and Fridays at 4 pm - His voice is soothing and he talks and there is community - His previous Meditations are also Taped on Instagram . Joan Halifax Has ongoing Classes Online Over Zoom and also does on going Meditations and its free , she is a doctor and anthropologist / scholar . Some great classes ! Sigrid Olsen the clothing designer Has free meditations and sharing circle on Tuesday Nights around 6 Pm . See If you can also find Massage to relieve the stress Or a community acupuncture clinic . Findhorn Foundation Has Inspiring thoughts and occasional meditations . Hanuman Maui may have occasional meditations . If you can calm the Mind you will be ok . You have been running on adrenaline and cortisol so you are depleted Like a car with out Gas . Time to recharge . Its also stress - I would hear Blaring disco when I would wake up because it was My adrenaline Kicking in and it drove me crazy . you Can train the Mind to calm down and relax .
I also have intrusive thoughts and I agree that counseling is needed. These kind of thoughts are exhausting. I think they come from years of stress and trauma. I will begin counseling as soon as I can afford it. Sending prayers that you can too.
I Hope you are feeling Better and find a good therapist or social worker to help you . I Know Last September 15 I basically collapsed from exhaustion . I went to community acupuncture twice a week for support but also to Meditate . It was a Life saver and I had a social worker and was in a support group for caregivers . Even with social workers and acupuncturists and a great doctor I was still worn Out ...... it is a tough call to be a caregiver you need all the support you can get . Glad you came to the forum to vent and express yourself . See if you can find a Support group . Facebook Had dementia support groups and there was one on a zoom call Saturday nights and sometimes The Alzheimers association Has Mindfulness classes . I Go to Upaya Zen center - Joan Halifax does a Lot with caregivers and you can register for free if you can't donate . I think there is a GRACE Training - It is probably Online also But great classes and she has done a Lot in the dying field . I swim and Bike to the ocean . I Hope you feel better go Pick some flowers or try to do something special for yourself everyday to see the beauty in Life .
Terry23: Seek help posthaste for these thoughts. Self love is very important, else you cannot provide care for another person. Please call the national phone number 988 for thoughts of self harm.
I have not gone through that no, but that does not sound like you're in a good place to continue. Thanks for your honesty, it seems you care both about yourself and your mom by reaching out to us - so do whatever it takes to stop caregiving NOW for your mother and get into therapy/support group at least. Don't let it be a 'too late' situation. God speed.
Get mental health support immediately if you have not already. Do not feel guilty about this nor shamed; caregiving is 24/7 for family pcg ( primary caregiver). Consider: pilots are not allowed to fly after x hours w/ o time off Surgeons have guidelines about how long to operate w/ o rest Train conductors have mandatory time off after x hrs on duty And hospitals, facility care have " shifts" of staff..... No one is on duty 24/7 .....week after week after week.
Get help with your mother; get her PCP to assign you a geriatric or senior care case mgr . usually a licensed social worker who can come to home and begin assess with you what options may be best....but get some form of help in there with her ...or perhaps look at placement in facility..... social worker, case mgr can help you start process or if you want have her assessed by hospice of choice for admit to hospice care and, hospice can help you in home and provide respite care for mother to give you a BREAK!
No, these intrusive thoughts of violence toward your loved one are NOT normal and are in fact very dangerous. You should call APS at once and report this, requesting help at once and placement for your loved one, then seek help for yourself. I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but you need to address it at once.
I would suggest what Barb Brooklyn Offered to you is to call 911 and say " You have chest Pains " and have your Mom Placed . Its rather drastic But so are the intrusive thoughts - these thoughts are the result of caregiver Burn Out . You are depressed and Overwhelmed and as much as you want to take care of your Mother you are unable to do so . Your Life and health matter . If you can call 911 and get to the ER and tell them you are struggling with Unwarranted thoughts and are about to have a heart attack from the stress you will see a Doctor. They Will Hook you Up with a case manager and social worker and hopefully find some where for your Mom . You are at your Wits end and this is a job you are Not capable of Handling. Ask for help . A Lot of caregivers suffer from PTSD , Panic attacks , Insomnia , exhaustion and burn Out leading to depression .
It is normal to want caregiving to be over, and I would argue that it is even normal to wish for you loved one to pass away so they, and you, are done with the horrible journey you find yourselves on. It is not “normal” to have violent thoughts about harming your loved one. You are burned out and overwhelmed. It is time to look into placing your mother and getting yourself the help you need. Your life is important too.
Thoughts of harming the ones we’re caregiving aren’t normal. Burnout is an entirely different thing.
You are well enough to reach out for help, so please do what can others suggest, which is contact someone before anyone gets hurt.
Maybe call the police, who can find you an emergency help situation. Or a local council on aging, or just walk into a hospital emergency room and say you need help. It’s out there, and I hope you find it.
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis, please reach out to experts at the 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Please take care of yourself!
You are burnt out. Mom needs to be moved into a facility. Therapy won't help if you have to keep caregiving for mom when you are already at defcon4 with it.
Out of the blue I'll get thoughts of hurting her, killing he. I have resentment to her, but I was told this is normal with caregiver burnout. Am I depressed? Do I have something else going on?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
They may have come when mom continuesly asks for help and/or something? They may involve a weapon or everyday household item or even hands on?
You're not alone in having these type of thoughts. The important thing of course is to not act on them.
Good luck 🙏🏾
Do not feel guilty about this nor shamed; caregiving is 24/7 for family pcg ( primary caregiver).
Consider: pilots are not allowed to fly after x hours w/ o time off
Surgeons have guidelines about how long to operate w/ o rest
Train conductors have mandatory time off after x hrs on duty
And hospitals, facility care have
" shifts" of staff..... No one is on duty 24/7 .....week after week after week.
Get help with your mother; get her PCP to assign you a geriatric or senior care case mgr . usually a licensed social worker who can come to home and begin assess with you what options may be best....but get some form of help in there with her ...or perhaps look at placement in facility..... social worker, case mgr can help you start process or if you want have her assessed by hospice of choice for admit to hospice care and, hospice can help you in home and provide respite care for mother to give you a BREAK!
You are well enough to reach out for help, so please do what can others suggest, which is contact someone before anyone gets hurt.
Maybe call the police, who can find you an emergency help situation. Or a local council on aging, or just walk into a hospital emergency room and say you need help. It’s out there, and I hope you find it.
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis, please reach out to experts at the 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Please take care of yourself!
They will not leave your mom home alone
Get yourselves to a hospital. Mom need to be placed. Now.