My parents still live independently but need care with meals, appts, etc. I have recently put them on a program where some meals are made for them so that relieves some of the stress. I still do a fair bit of cooking, baking, etc. I have a couple of siblings that live nearby (within 30-40) minutes drive. I live 20 minutes drive from my parents. Another sibling lives out of town. I very rarely hear from my siblings - they just assume that since I'm living nearby I can do the work. To complicate matters, they also know that my Dad gives me a bit of money to help cover costs. I was even told my one to just ask my Dad for more money if I think it isn't enough. Honestly, I don't want the money (Dad insists) - I just want support because it is getting too hard emotionally to be on call for them 24/7. I also have my own family and thankfully a hubby that is very supportive.
About the money -- your parents really aren't giving you money. They are just paying for their own things. I get a real good feeling about your parents. They sound like good people. I don't know how your siblings can stay away. Probably their own lives are so full. Yours also sounds full, so look around for some good resources for your parents. Be sure to get the POAs lined up so that you can help them if they need it when it comes to paying bills and making health decisions. Try not to get too angry at the siblings. That will just keep you up nights and you won't be able to control them. Chances are that they will become more involved when the needs become greater.
Tell your parents that you can't continue to do it all. Let them request assistance from your siblings.
One thing I will say is that I would not count on your parents calling up their other children and asking for help. Quite the contrary! I would count on your parents pretending like everything is fine, life is good, and they get along just fine. You have to see it from their perspective, which likely is that they would never want to alarm their children or be a burden on their children.
Now that you have realized that you do too much and need to step back from some things, I think you have a good reason to have a conversation with your parents about what services you think they need and to manage their expectations of you. Carefully craft your words to explain your limitations, changes you are making, and changes they can make that will give you peace of mind.
And your parents do need to help themselves. You cannot do everything for them. They still have control over their lives. Parents can get quite upset the first time one tries to talk to them about caregiving and planning for their caregiving needs. You may need to bring it up several times before you make any progress. But do not drop the subject just because your siblings stick their heads in the sand.
That is my mother when she talks to my three brothers -- showtiming or showboating to the max! One time I reminded her that one of my brothers hadn't come to visit her (and my father, as he was still living) for FIVE years (and no, he wasn't in the Sahara; he was in NJ!). "Oh, don't you talk about HIM!" she ranted to me. "We have our own relationship, and it's none of your business!" Well, it IS my business when he is lazy like that and will share equally in the inheritance. That was when my relationship turned somewhat sour with my mother (and also for other reasons). The upside is that she does NOT call me as much. I have told my (other two) brothers that when it gets too much for me, that I am going to walk away (even though I am the only local child and only daughter).
My mother made it loud and clear that she will not expect anything from this brother (and even much from the other brothers, really, except that when she can no longer handle money, it will be THEIR problem, since the other two are her successor trustees and the accounts are all locked up in her trust). Of course, she will never accept that she can't handle money anymore when that time comes. Not my problem. They will have to be a LOT more involved than they are now. And I am NOT going to be providing free home health aide or housecleaning services for my mother!
(For those who wonder, I never had a good relationship with my mother; she is borderline narcissistic and was extremely controlling and punitive when I was growing up.)
I don't think this makes people self absorbed. Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Not everyone has the extra time it takes to devote to caregiving. It is unfair to condemn anyone because they are not willing to do what you are/can do.
OP if it gets to be too much for you tell your parents. If they need that much help they really aren't living independently ...you are just enabling the illusion. It is their responsibility to take care of themselves or find the means to do so. And if they want your siblings involved in helping them THEY need to ask, not you.
My father complained to my daughter that I never 'visited'. She pointed out to him that I was there alot and he said "but she is always doing stuff". So my helping him did not count as visiting. Even if I did just go to visit I have found it is very hard to have a discussion with him. He has no interests in other people, just himself. His favorite topic of conversation is what he does in the bathroom....which is one of my boundaries...no potty talk. So he has nothing to say. I try and get him to talk about his childhood and he doesn't really want to. Visiting with him is uncomfortable and a bit painful. Maybe that is how the siblings feel. Or I could be totally off point.
I took it upon myself to read up on chronic pain and the fact that people don't understand this condition. I copied an article and gave it to my dad to read. He will probably ignore it but there is always hope. I don't get treated very well by him (only when others are around will he be ok). I could scream but suffer in silence.
You are an amazing person. Its a lot for one person to have their own family and also take on their elderly parents increasing needs. I'm the oldest of 4. Since I was a child I seemed to always be the caregiver in the family. I didn't know how to ask for help nor accept help from my siblings. And I had to make a mental adjustment but I didn't. The one sibling tried to help, but I was never happy with the amount of time she put in. I always felt all the responsibility was on me. After my dad's stroke, the resentment and anger just built and built over how much I was doing compared to my siblings. I would suggest calling a family meeting including mom and dad. And laying out all the facts and see how much each person is willing to take on. And the answer could be nothing. Then you know what you are dealing with and where else to look for help like Medicaid. Hard truth is sometimes our siblings just aren't willing to take on too much. And as hard as it is, as the main caregiver we have to accept this and explore other options.