She is 88 , has dementia and seems to be miserable.
She can’t function on her own. I do everything for her. She refuses to bathe, wash her hair or dress herself. I fix her meds and food. She can’t see very well so doesn’t drive. She feels lost.
She stays in her room most of the time. She doesn’t read, watch TV or have any hobbies. I think she could benefit by having a better quality of life at a nursing home where there are other seniors for her to talk to.
They get very tired. The patients I saw at the ends of their lives, I kept trying as a nurse to tell their families, desperate to help them, that they are tired. That they are ready to go. That they have lived long lives full of happiness and pain. That they are tired now. Many patients literally turned their faces to the wall to disengage with their loved ones, ready for their next and last journey in life. The families were often desperate to re-engage them. I came to so empathize with the elders. They were ready. WE the young, the middle aged, the late middle aged could not get it. But they were ready. And they had done this life. It is very difficult to explain. I can only say that I learned from them, and I will never fear the end of life. I fear the torture before it, but not the leaving. I believe it is the "trip of a lifetime".
We cannot get it. We may begin to as we come more near.
Those who live long are ready. I saw patients who lived so long that they curled speechless into a fetal position. I am an atheist. But if anything could ever make me a believer, that would have been it. It was the full circle. The full cycle. It is quite beyond our comprehension I suspect.
Have her doctor fill out the paperwork for submission for a facility. In AZ it is a list of health issues, help required for activity of daily living ie bathing, dressing, preparing food, etc. Mental status and overall health, with requirements for managing their status, like daily walks, activities etc.
Doing these steps while you are waiting for a needs assessment from the area on aging will put you a step ahead. You will know what facilities can meet her needs, how much it will cost and how to apply for public assistance if needed.
You could always try a month respite and see if she does better. However, if she is having separation anxiety, she may just want to stay in your home. If that is the case then you will need to decide what you are willing to do.
Best of luck. Such a difficult situation.
It sounds like she would probably qualify for both a nursing home and an assisted living. For AL, no referral needed, just research and money! For nursing home, you will need a doctors referral, this can be the PCP, or if all else fails, you can take her to ER for failure to thrive, and tell them you can't care for her, and the ER doctor can make referral. However, it's very hard to find a LTC nursing home bed (not sure if you have medicaid already), and once a MD writes order, they are only obligated to find you "a" bed, not necessarily a bed in your preferred facility, so you never know where she might end up. I know it's sad, but you can't sit with her all day, you also have a life and things to do. If you are willing to pay for an assisted living, maybe those funds can be used to hire a caregiver to sit with her?? I know, but it's not you. You'll have to allow yourself to maintain some boundaries. I'm sad for you, it's hard.
I agree that her quality of life would be better in some type of senior facility.
She wants me by her side every minute of the day and when I ask her to come to the living room with us she doesn’t want to. I sit in her room or outside with her when she smokes. She even wants me to sleep with her. She has separation anxiety and we just got meds for that today.
She has dementia and repeats the same thing and talks about nothing else. When I try changing the subject she doesn’t hear or listen and goes back to her topic of discussion.
I think I meant nursing home but maybe memory care is where she needs to go. She can’t function on her own. I do everything for her. She refuses to bathe, wash her hair or dress herself. I fix her meds and food. She can’t see very well so doesn’t drive. She feels lost. She not only lives in a strange city our house is unfamiliar to her. It breaks my heart to see her struggling with everything. She has always been very independent.