StephnRealTime Asked July 2022
Is anyone at or have been at the point of giving up?
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My caretaking duties have been in overdrive since my father suffered a heart attack almost 2 years ago, after being healthy most his life. My mom has had a battle with her health for decades now. They are both ill together and its been stuff.
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I assume ur the 40 yr old.
If your 40 than Mom and Dad are not over 70? The 60s arecstill young. Dad needs to get back to doing the things he always did. A physical evaluation can tell him his strengths and weaknesses. Are you doing things for him he could do for himself? Maybe slower, but he could do them. This is disabling him. Same with Mom.
My GF was a juvenile diabetic and had a heart attack in her 50s and her leg amputated before 60. She had a wonderful husband but he had to work fulltime. She had to do for herself.
I so hope you are working. If not you should be. SS looks back only 35 years of earnings when u start to collect. At 40 your being able to collect 100% is 67. You only have 27 years to make earnings towards your retirement. Your future is important. If ur parents have the money, have them hire an aide, if not check out Medicaid for in home care.
I am almost 50 years old. My mother has been actively dying since I was about 6. Her "care" needs were dumped on me since then. I grew up and came to a realization that she needed to take some responsibility for herself. In fact, I didn't speak to her for over six years. I began caregiving in her old age a few years ago because we had made a deal that would mutually benefit us both. A couple of years ago the caregiving situation went from helping her out with some things to complete dependency and nanny-slavery. Most of it's an act because my mother does not have dementia, but she has always been exceptionally lazy, refusing to work, expects others to baby her, and LOVES drama.
I'm out because I will not give up more of my life to that.
You shouldn't either. Your parents have to take some responsibility for themselves and their own lives. Unless they are completely out of it with dementia and have been regressed back into infancy, they can help make other arrangements for themselves.
They are not children and you are not their parent. They are adults and as adults they can work out a different arrangement for their care that does not involve destroying their child's (you) life by making her a slave to their needs and wants.
It will be hard but you have to force them to grow up. The first step is establishing boundaries. Like you get two days a week off. Do nothing for them for those two days. If you don't work, look for a job and schedule job interviews on your days off. Even leave and stay somewhere else for two days. This is a start.
At some point you should move out if you're living with them. That's really the only way to remove yourself fully from the caregiving trap. Make boundaries though. Even bring in outside caregiving help.
Are they on Medicare and Medicaid? If so, then they can get approved for some homecare aide hours. It's not much, but it helps.
That's a lot for one person to handle. And your siblings do nothing? Are you able to work for your own future, or is your work being your parents' 24/7/365 caregiving slave?
If this is the case, how and why did it become the case?
No one has age-related decline when they're 40 years old.
If “giving up” means “no longer able to meet the significant demands of TWO elderly people deteriorating from a condition that will ultimately be fatal”, you may be on a different path to a similar ending.
If “giving up” means observing and accepting the fact that this is a disease that often results in giving a caregiver no “good” choices in decision making, then having to choose the most acceptable of the less positive choices, you’ve realized what ultimately happens to long term caregivers in complex life situations. And for many of us, all caregiving situations will become “complex”.
”Giving up” doesn’t mean abandoning them or failing them or being less of a good person yourself. It means making decisions that are based on the best care choices you can find and being as objective and fair as humanely possible for you AND your LOs.
My “giving up” was sleeping on the floor next to my mom’s bed for 6 months, and gaining 60 pounds. I found a very good residential care center and placed her. She thrived there, until her death at 95.
Please be aware that if you do the very best you can, you are NOT “giving up”.
My mother is in AL, my step-mother is in MC. Both are happy and well cared for, what more can a person ask for?
We didn't give up, we just did the right thing for all concerned.
Yes, caregiving seems to get harder with time, not easier. Loved ones become more disabled and frail. No one is getting any younger. I’ve been caring for my dad for 6 years and I’m exhausted.
How old are your parents? Do they live with you? Do they have any caregivers?
I think every caregiver wants to run away on a regular basis.
Do you ever get a break? I mean like a real vacation, two weeks, no calls, no contact, doing your own thing 24/7 break?
This is really important for your well-being.
Has your dad had any counseling after his heart attack? We were told that people's overall mental health takes a big hit after having a heart attack and it was vital that everyone encouraged him to live life and not get fixated on the heart attack and what could have been. My dad had a really rough period and he was afraid to move for fear of another heart attack, this lasted for several years after his 1st one.
I hope you can find a balance and keep yourself whole while you help your parents have and get the care they need.
The young lady in the avatar is beautiful, loving that gorgeous hair.