My mother has dementia, I feel as if she has a difficult time understanding since she does not see nor hear well either, it is so very sad, and I am having a hard time with my emotions about this.
My sister had the audacity to hire an attorney (over a year ago) to attempt to take the POA away from me. Of course she is fine with me taking care of my mother, but just wants to control her money, since she lives 1,000 miles away and has not visited in over 4 years (she always has some excuse as to why she can't come). It would really be nice for her to say "thank you for taking care of mom, what can I do to help.." but instead I had to block her and her husband's calls, and texts since she lies and when she last spoke to our mom she tells her that she is going to die...who frickin does this?
I realize that this is no picnic, I love my mom very dearly, and believe that 5 years ago when my mom gave me POA because she trusts me. Is anyone else having family dynamics?
The fact that my mother has Alzheimer’s disease and has been traveling down that path for the last ten years is tragic and unavoidable. The fact that the older of my two siblings invested his energy in sabotaging my efforts to keep our mother happy and safe because his primary focus was on what he hoped to gain for himself is reprehensible and totally avoidable.
What can I suggest from my experiences?
- Yes, make sure all of the legal documents are as bulletproof as possible.
- In my case countless hours devoted to communications with my older brother did no good. I was convinced that the key was for him to understand our mother’s condition and what needed to be done for her, then he would be on board and we could work together for our mother’s good. But when a sibling’s priority is on what they can gain for themselves then it is as if you are talking two different languages and these types of communications are futile.
- I agree that you need to keep detailed records.
- I do think it is a responsibility to keep family members appraised, at least superficially, on what is happening with your mother. But if the only energy your sister continues to contribute is destructive to your efforts then try not to engage with her any more than is necessary.
I wish you the best!
As a loving daughter, toughbird certainly accepts that she has an obligation to protect her mom from the upsetting family dynamics, but as an agent (attorney-in-fact) with POA, she likely has no legal obligation to do so. I suppose you could write into a POA agreement the requirement for the agent to protect from upsetting situations, but that's not generally the purpose of POA. As long as toughbird has acted in good faith as POA, there is little chance of her sister taking over, so I was just suggesting that toughbird not worry about the POA and try to work things out with her sister so it doesn't end up in a court battle. :-)
It used to amuse me the odd time they would ask me "should I do this?" or "would mom like that?" Just do it! If I'd waited for permission to do all the things that needed to be done for mom she would have died three years earlier than she did.
But as others have said very adroitly, there seems to always be the one sibling who takes care of business while the others watch or tell you how to do it better.
No dynamics for me. Only me and my bro left, and I am serving as his POA. I hope your Sis stops it and I am so relieved someone finally came here who just says "I stopped her contacting me". It honestly isn't worth the squabbling. Just leave her be. But I sure wish you had her support, love, and thankfulness.
Absolutely yes! If you read the forums here you will come across numerous posts with people who have issues with siblings who don’t help, are greedy, fights over money, etc. I have two sisters who barely help take care of our father ( I do 99 percent of the work). Neither one has ever thanked me or offered to lend a helping hand. I very rarely ever talk to them anymore. You will find that this is quite common among families. It’s common for one sibling to take on more work than the others or there to be arguments about finances, etc. There are numerous threads on this forum about problems with family dynamics. You may want to do a search on POAs or siblings. Know that you are not alone! Best of luck!
In your situation, I see lots of red flags based on my own experience and the fact that your sister who rarely visits attempted to have your POA revoked. Even though your mom has dementia, your sister could easily show up, "take her to lunch," and at the same time take her to a notary to have her sign a new POA and/or other documents (as one of my sisters did). If she did that, you might be able to get anything your mom signs revoked, but it could be a costly legal battle -- certainly not a hassle you should be forced to deal with while taking care of your mom. Durable POAs work pretty well in families where there are not the dynamics you are experiencing, but they are not bullet-proof. Court-ordered guardianships and conservatorships trump any and all POAs and sometimes that is the best route to take.
First thing you might want to try is having a formal family meeting, probably with a professional mediator to keep things focused on your mother's care rather than drifting off into past sibling rivalries. But, depending on the severity of your family dynamics, you might also need to consult with a guardianship attorney (or two or three) to get good legal advice for your particular situation. In my situation, I asked for a family meeting, got no response from the four siblings who were causing trouble for my dad and me, and ended up becoming my dad's guardian, conservator, SS representative payee and VA fiduciary -- a lot of financial reporting was required, but it was much easier than dealing with siblings whose interests were their own and not aligned with what was best for my dad, let alone for his primary caregivers.
Kudos to you for providing your mother's care and best wishes for future dealings with your siblings.
Our lawyer thinks just as long as my sister is willing to pay her attorney, that they will persist on attempting on to take the financial part away from me. (Ha- I hope to spend all my mom's money on my mom, so there is nothing left for my sister).
I have had to open my house to an ad litem attorney of which we had the privilege to have to pay for, along with providing him all of the financial bank statements; just to prove my innocence-that I am not robing my mother...seriously I am so very saddened by my sister and her husband's persistence of this ridiculousness.
I have a brother, who took care of our mother for about 2 years before she fell (at his house-on her way to the bathroom)-and don't you know that my sister wanted me to sue him for negligence...Un-frickin believable...huh
A family meeting would be a waste of time and energy at this juncture, but the suggestion is a good one-Thanks
As one middle child to another, I am sure that you are doing your father great service, (good heart) that your siblings won't know, understand or even realize, until they wind up in this sort of predicament themselves.
never engage her or her hubby in conversation....send out text or email updates....sort like the Christmas letter of old. Simple statements of fact that do not invite conversation.
if she ever does start to turn into a decent person toward you and Mom, then consider trying out a friendly chat....but, till then, keep your emotional distance and save yourself additional heartache,
In any case, as long as you have honestly and faithfully executed your responsibilities as POA, there is little chance of your sister overturning a legally binding POA agreement. Having said that, a POA agreement rarely gives you the right to control who can or cannot speak to you mom. That is a separate legal matter entirely, and IMHO is best handled by talking to your sister.
P.S. There are ALWAYS family dynamics! If you focus on what matters (your personal well being and your mom's care), the rest just doesn't seem that important.
Q. " but instead I had to block her and her husband's calls, and texts since she lies and when she last spoke to our mom she tells her that she is going to die...who frickin does this?"
A. Sometimes I don't think people know what they are saying. A study in Sweden on Aspergers came out that a person will only live to about 50.
So thrown out there in a quick conversation while driving to work, sis says:
"He will die soon anyway". That ended the "talk to me while I am stuck in traffic" calls.
Your sister has no power or rights with Mom. She is like an annoying, yapping little dog. If she continues saying things like that to Mom, you, as POA can deny her any access to Mom. That almost constitutes verbal abuse. If she protests, you can consult with an attorney of your own.