My father-in-law is cussing everyday from dawn to dusk. He's very controlling and has a overpowering personality even with dementia. He's 88 years old. I'm getting tired of him cussing us out every day for 365 days. He's nice and cordial when he wants something or especially when it's time to eat. When the last bite gets in his mouth and he gets up from the table, there goes the cussing. His son is fed up and we are currently making plans to place him in a facility as soon as possible. The stress level is over the top especially for me. I am one year from a triple bypass heart surgery. Does anyone have any ideas for us until he can get placed in a facility?
I'm sorry you don't agree with my response. You say none of us here are professionals. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I think I can call myself a professional at this point. Many of those years were agency-hired and many were private self-employed. These days I'm the sole caregiver to my elderly mother who on her best day can be described as difficult. I've cared for every kind there is. Mild, moderate, and advanced dementia. Verbally and physically abusive. Mentally ill. You name it, every kind.
You think it's wrong to treat an elderly person with dementia like a child? It's often necessary. So is rewarding them like one when they're cooperative. The caregiver has to stay in control of the situation. The same way a teacher has to stay in control of the class otherwise it will be total chaos. Or a parent. They have to make sure they've got a handle on things otherwise they can't stop the child who wants to have a tantrum and go crazy. If you think caring for a person with dementia is not a battle for control, you've got a lot to learn. Maybe when there's a staff of people in a care facility it's not, but in the home it certainly is and more so when the caregiver is family.
In homecare work the caregiver is usually alone and has to handle every situation themselves. We are responsible for the client and to get the work done. Begging and pleading with some stubborn, demented senior sitting in a soiled diaper doesn't get them cleaned up. Believe me a person recovers a lot easier from a bit of intimidation than they do from a UTI, skin infection, or incontinence sores.
The OP's father still possesses some level of self-control. He knows that being nice and cordial is the correct response when he needs or wants something. Or when it's a meal time. He then resumes the cussing and nasty behavior. That's a senior brat and you handle a senior brat the same way you handle a child one.
I have learned over many years of caregiving not to tolerate complaining or instigating. Both are common with elderly folks.
My mother does not have dementia. She does like to complain and instigate trouble though. She knows better than to openly provoke me into a fight. She'll make snide comments intended to be hurtful but about the meal and not directly to me. That's how she attempts at instigating because she wants to complain or fight. That's when the plate goes into the garbage. I don't tolerate complaining and I don't fight. Guess who doesn't do this anymore? My mother. She likes good, home-cooked meals more than she likes fight instigating and complaining. My guess is the OP's father probably does too.
I did not write that it's wrong to treat a dementia patient like a child - but it was wrong to resurrect strict child-rearing techniques like withholding food for this family, as this is a temporary arrangement.
I understand the battle for gaining control, but I never found that a confrontational approach worked. Firm, yes, but not a battle.
I cared for my mother for 25 years - off & on at first; then, she lived with me for 5 years until her health issues became too much for me & the revolving door of health care workers to keep up with. She went from hospital to nursing home & back to hospital, where she died. She was difficult.
I cared for my life partner for 4 years. His health issues were complicated by dementia.
Peace.
Call "A Place for Mom" and see if they have listings where rapid placements can be handled, especially in light of your life threatening heart problems.
My experience with my Mom's dementia is that she is not in the same emotional state all the time. Therefore, sometimes you can reason with her (which she may forget) and other times you cannot. However, if you can find the reason why he is doing what he is doing, then maybe you help him find the appropriate words or alter the situation so that he is less inclined to do it.
When he is behaving nicely, you can ask him why he cusses. Try many times on different days and see if you can figure out the reason. In one personal case, not with an elderly person, the person who came from another country, thought it was the appropriate behavior because that is what they do in the movies and he got his clues from appropriate behavior and language from the movies and television that he watched.
I'm assuming that you have already talked to his doctors and they don't know what to do either.
Until you can find a place for him, I'd suggest that you get him in-home caregivers or try to segment the house so that you can move to a different part of the house when this occurs or whether you can find him temporary housing (like a studio apartment next door, etc.)
Your and your family's mental health come first. Good luck!
At all cost protect your sanity! Don’t feel ashamed of your decision to take him to a facility. We only wish to enjoy life and live in peace while we’re yet alive. Peace is everything!
Sometime a different setting and new unfamiliar faces can change their demeanor( sometimes).
So until he’s placed, observe when he is least angry( you’ve said while eating) so experiment with new or different foods. And look and observe for anything that makes him less irritable and run with it!
Lastly, ever heard “ if you can’t beat em, join em!” It may not be the correct or proper thing to do but, it might lessen your stress level. Just don’t curse at him directly, let it be of Worldly things or society or the color of the paint on the walls etc…
I do know we have to become creative and try something out of the ordinary!
Wishing you all a better and peaceful journey!💕
Vascular Dementia
Alzheimer's
Lewy Body Dementia
Frontotemporal Dementia
And others
You can do an internet search for the types of dementia, I've learned a lot about dementia in the past 3 years.
There are almost no "social inhibition" when Alzheimer's is involved and most thought is self-involved, without a lot of sympathy/empathy involved, and without a lot of social appropriate inhibitions.
There may also be small stokes in certain area of the brain. Some people who never cursed in their lives begin to do almost nothing but, and some who did almost nothing but curse, become gentle as lambs. You simply cannot predict the whole thing.
Having dementia is a bit like having your own thumbprint. No two are the same. It is a very individual thing. Speaking with the neuro-psyc, if there is one, can lead to getting a lot of information about your FIL's specific case (if you are POA or your hubby is). There are many fine articles specific to your question online just by googling "dementia and cursing".
Sure do wish you good luck. Know that this is almost NEVER purposeful, nor done maliciously.
There's no rules or rhyme or reason to why people do what they do as their brains slowly deteriorate.
I'm only 65 and not a 'potty mouth' by any stretch of the imagination...but as I have aged and gone through a few pretty rough life challenges, I find my language is not as 'clean' as I should have it. Am I losing it? Nope, not really, but I'm tired and sometimes a good swear word is the 'right' word. No excuse, just that I notice that I am often too tired to use 'pretty words', esp when I am super tired or frustrated. My filter is lifting, and I know it. Think of all the people whose filters are GONE.
He can control his behavior and while he lives in your house DEMAND that he do so. When he starts up with the cussing, give it right back to him. Tell him that if he's going to behave badly with the cussing and swearing to you and your family from dusk to dawn, he's going to be going very hungry. Many people have been sent to bed without supper for bad behavior when they were kids myself included, and that can be extended to senior brats as well. Your FIL has control of himself if he can be nice and cordial when he wants something or when it's time to eat. See how well he does with no supper tonight. Put locks on your cupboards and your fridge too. He'll knock off the overpowering controlling behavior and the cussing. Hunger tends to put a person to minding their manners.
His dementia is not so far gone yet that he's lost the ability to control himself because he is controlling himself for things that he wants and meals. They need to put him in his place.
Placement does not mean you are abandoning him, but that you are no longer the first responder and 24 hour care giver. It does mean that you and your spouse get to have privacy, and conversations without his 'contributions.' You still have a role in his care, visiting and keeping track of his well-being, providing clothes, etc.
Swearing, fondling themselves, exposing themselves, making in appropriate comments are examples of things that could occur.
Is he on medication for agitation or anxiety? If not they might help, if he is the dose might need to be adjusted. Discuss with his doctor. Keep in mind any medication does heave side effects and there are risks with the benefits.
He is unable to change what he does.
He will continue to cuss because he has no awareness or control over what he says.
His son must understand that he and his father have reversed roles- dad is now the child and he, his son, is now the parent.
Think of dad as the naughty child. Just that image alone may be helpful to you.
Take good care of yourself and your husband, and move forward as quickly as you can with placing this unfortunate man.
Yes, the FIL does have control and awareness over what he says.
The OP states that he is perfectly nice and cordial when he wants or needs something or when it's time to eat. The moment he gets what he wants or needs or the meal is finished, he starts up with the swearing and bad behavior.
He can control himself because he is controlling himeself when it's meal times or he wants something.
The OP and her husband need to stop enabling his terrib;e behavior.
Here's a helpful article right from this forum:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-and-undesirable-behavior-changes-how-do-i-handle-dads-profanity-112079.htm
Roger