graygrammie Asked November 2021
Is getting more controlling part of dementia?
Follow
Share
My husband is getting more and more controlling. He has always been a controlling person but it is worse now. Is this normal? Do I address it to him or let it go?
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
23 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What does it mean when someone with dementia starts eating toilet paper?
- Brother in law has dementia which has been going on for 5 yrs now. Lately he has been talking on cellphone with no one on other end. Why?
- How can I get my husband to acknowledge that there have been changes to mental health field since he was a mental health tech in 1985?
- Mom has dementia. I feel like her memory loss and repeating questions is worse with me. Over and over, it's the same question. Why is this?
Ask a Question
Beyond that, please do not put yourself in a dangerous situation. Develop a variety of strategies that may range from:
*Removing all weapons from the home - which may include knives.
*Reducing your involvement with him.
*Understanding the warning signs and disengaging.
* Sleep in another room.
*Leaving the room/house.
*Asking family or employing help to assist with the highest triggers.
*Having a neighbor on call to come over in an emergency.
*Being prepared to call 911 and do not hesitate to do it for your safety.
*Putting him in the back seat of the car if he is like to grab the steering wheel.
*Placing him in a care facility for his well-being and your safety.
If there is any way you can safely leave this situation I would do it. Dementia is not an excuse and sounds like as you said he has always been controlling. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Put yourself first.
Self sacrificing to the point where you are heart sick with stress isn't noble you know. It's good to be supportive of those you love (do you still love him?) but there is a limit. If loving someone means tolerating whatever they hand out to your own detriment then I'd say it's better to not have loved and risk losing oneself.
I'm sure the answer would be No, as any rational person wouldn't put up with such a thing.
So, why are you putting up with such abuse NOW? Dementia is no excuse to be abused to THIS degree. It's not okay. Even if he "can't help it" and "doesn't mean it" and it's "due to the disease", this abuse will wind up killing YOU before the dementia kills HIM.
Get him placed in Memory Care Assisted Living right away or move in with your daughter who's door is always open or SOMETHING. What's going on here is wrong on every level and has to stop immediately! He's your husband and you love him and he's sick but HE'S TORTURING YOU. This is exactly how and why love turns to hate, you typed it all out.
You did your best and there's no more you can do now. Next time he starts screaming, call 911 and have him shipped off to the ER. Get him a psych evaluation and refuse to take him back home when they want to release him. It's time to cry uncle.
There is no such thing as "just" laying down some ground rules and sticking to them, as if you could have fixed this super-simple little problem long ago if only you'd used your noggin, gee, silly me! There's nothing simple about FTD dementia, it's something the medical community scratches their heads about! And there's nothing simple or easy about fixing abuse women suffer or we would have fixed it eons ago, ffs. Some things aren't fixable and that's something we have to acknowledge before it puts us into an early grave for refusing to! Take this seriously, and not like a little bit of silly fluff some will make it out to be!
Wishing you courage, good luck and Godspeed
.
Someone who uses abusive behavior to control others follows a pattern that is predictable. Unfortunately it is predictable that the most dangerous and likely time for encountering physical violence from an abuser is when you try to leave or “rebel” against his attempts to control you.
Therefore, please don’t announce to him that you are going to take any actions to protect yourself (such as leaving) if you decide to do so. Instead, keep your plans to yourself, get advice from staff at a women’s shelter, and let them help you plan a safe way to leave.
Remember, if he is physically able to do anything at all for himself, then he is physically able to harm you when he sees that his attempts to control you aren’t working. He will up his mental game to physical violence to maintain control if he thinks he needs to.
I learned all this from experience and from abuse counseling. You can make it work with advice and support from shelter staff, even if you don’t need to stay at a shelter. These people care and have resources. Just call them.
I hope you are able to get help to change your situation, because your life is not over yet, and you deserve some happiness.
(Of course sadly, many never get the chance as are struck down before old age).
Others, have reduced ability or insight to make these adjustments. Barriers such as mental illness or physical illness (brain changes, liver/kidney function) that impair thinking & judgement.
We all need choice & control in our lives - but some can 'let go' & 'go with the flow' better than others when they become dependant.
I do not know your husband of course, but suspect, due to your profile & posts that he has quite a rigid personality. Letting go has not been his style.
Nor my Mother's. Losing her independence to stroke unleashed that controlling behaviour you described (although milder). What to eat, when, when to go out, stay in, draw the curtains.
I think it sneaks up. One request, two, doesn't seem too bad. Also mixed in with possible caregiver guilt or survivor guilt too. But when you look at the bigger picture - it is one person bossing the entire day.
I find it hard to watch. I myself will not be bossed but get exhausted working out which battles to choose - just in a short visit!
I don't usually go for the medicine jar first (+ personality can't be medicated anyway) but I feel this situation is not healthy. Often meds CAN really help.
So see the Doctor about something for mood/anxiety.
If your husband accepts medication, hopefully he will be less anxious & controlling. (Working wonders for my Mother's anxiety).
He has the right to refuse. But You have the right to safety. So if there is ANY violence - take the necessary steps. Geriatric Mental Health Assessment.
I really wish you the best for your future Graygrammie ❤️.
I think it will take much strength, but use your family supports & faith, to start the next phase. Accept what is now. Accept both your abilities & limitations. Start the process of 'letting go'. By that I mean letting go of the marriage the way it has been. Going forward - people tell me the next part is like being a widow with a husband still living.
Just lay down some ground rules and stick by them.
Since your husband is experiencing anxiety and it is becoming a problem, please notify his doctor. The doctor may prescribe medications to help him relax from his "fight-or-flight" reaction. Non-medication methods to try:
consistent routines,
consistent streamlined environment,
more lighting in the later afternoons and evenings,
diverting to other activities and topics,
daily time (at least 30 minutes) in sunshine,
there are alternative non-prescription substances - please coordinate that with his doctor since there usually is interactions with prescription medications.
Advise his doctor of the situation and maybe they can prescribe an anti-anxiety medication or perhaps examine his current prescription - my aunt was on Galantamine and after speaking to her Neurologist he had her switch to Donnatal because she was becoming unmanageable and similar toxic controlling behavior. Good luck.
In short, yes, controlling people will likely get more controlling.
You are setting yourself up for a stroke or a heart attack from the abuse you are enduring.
Do you think he would call 911 if you were laying on the floor? Something tells me no.
Look, from what you've described, your husband was mentally ill before he developed dementia. If you leave now, he will be able to live somewhere with good medical and psychiatric care. Which is what he needs.
On my book, tbrowing food on the floor IS physical.
"Our youngest son lives in the basement and has alerted his siblings to arguments when he has heard them."
I think graygrammie should throw this son out of the basement and move in someone who will help her out.
So often people describe others as "controlling" when actually the controller is stating only what he or she wants for him or herself, and the person describing resents feeling responsible for making it happen. That's a bit different.
Only I wouldn't call your husband's behaviour (as opposed to your husband, whom I've never met and wouldn't presume to criticize) controlling. I would call it frankly abusive, and I think the time has already come for you to protect yourself. What are your options?
Again as an aside, I often suspect that when people say mental or emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse they only think so because they've never experienced physical abuse, or not protracted, ongoing fear of physical violence at least. But you give a good example of the opposite argument. You are on high alert from waking to sleeping, and this kind of mental stress must have its physical effects.
Can you imagine being without it? How would that feel, to wake and know that your day is your own? Contrast that with the present reality to see how serious your situation has become.
But you don't have to take it.
Go stay at a hotel for a week and let him take care of himself (without asking permission of course).
Cook meals that he hates (preferably ones that stink up the house too) and refuse to make him anything else. Let him go hungry.
Can't control him but you can control yourself. Frankly, I'd start talking to a divorce attorney. No spouse should talk to another like that, and dementia is no excuse for abuse.
I would address this with his doctor.
There are medications that can help with anxiety. It might take a while to get the correct drug and dose but it would be worth it.
You can't address it with him because he may no t even realize his wording or phrasing. It is almost like a Third Person
You do mention one thing I am concerned about though.
"God forbid if I don't have that item on hand"
What would happen?
What would happen if you did not make the meal he wanted?, watch the show he wanted you to watch?, stop and get a burger on your way home?
If any of these or any other would lead to violence to you then it is a matter of your safety and you HAVE to take care of yourself.
And do not think that if he has never been violent or physical previously that that will remain the same. Dementia is unpredictable and you do not know what parts of the brain have been damaged, destroyed.
Protect yourself.
Any way, last night I said, "Dad doesn't even want us to come to the visitation. Why are you so determined that we must go?" His response, "I thought your dad wanted us there. This is the first I've heard that he didn't." Well, when did he ever hear that he did? I never told him that, it was a "reality" he made up in his head. I didn't know that I needed to tell him dad didn't expect us there.
As for other things he is trying to control, see my reply to BarbBrooklyn. Basically, it is all of my life, from the moment I wake up (which he has predetermined by setting an alarm that he doesn't need but won't change) until I go to sleep, he even tries to control when I do that.
You have to learn how to ignore with love. That is the only way unless you're planning on putting your husband in a facility.
Yes, people with dementia often become more controlling. Dementia amplifies a person's negative traits. The people who have to take care of them employ certain tactics in order to get the work done and to keep a situation manageable for as long as possible.
No one has to live in abuse. Dementia behaviors can be abusive and there's no shame in placing a person in a nursing home or care facility if they become too much to handle.
I've been in caregiving a long time. All caregivers whether it's for family or not must establish boundaries in all care situations. Those boundaries often have to be reinforced many times a day when you're dealing with dementia. It must be done though.
You should never have been in the hotel situation to begin with. His demand to go to your uncle's funeral services should have been a hard 'NO'. Then stick to it. If he gets abusive and argumentative, call 911. This is how abusive and threatening behaviors are handled. Dementia or not.
Over the years I've called the police on dementia clients whose behavior was going farther than just verbal abuse. Hard though it is, that can be ignored. Biting, hitting, spitting, throwing things, shoving, etc... cannot be. I once called 911 on a dementia client who threw a punch at me. I ducked out of the way. He fell and broke his hip. I couldn't care less. I explained to the police and the paramedics. The cops told me that's the right action to call 911. The client ended up being placed in memory care against his will for his own safety. Never put your own safety at risk for caregiving, No matter what your relationship is with the person you're caring for. Call the police when your husband acts up. They'll bring him to the hospital and they will connect you with a social worker who can help. If it's so that he has to be put into a memory care facility, it will be for his own good.
Allowing the person with dementia to be in control while everyone blindly obeys them to avoid an abusive meltdown is dangerous. That has to stop. Call 911 when he starts screaming and yelling. And for God's sake stop "obeying" his nonsense. I can't tell you how many times some elder would get snide and start instigating when their meal was served. That's when I take the plate right off the table and completely ignore them for a couple of hours. Then we try again. I've had to seriously Grey Rock not just with my own mother, but with numerous clients over the years. I've had to call 911 many times when clients were being abusive. I've even called APS myself more than once when families were in denial about how far gone a loved one was who was still living alone.
You call 911. You speak to APS and his doctor. You do not have to live in abuse and there's people and resources out there that will make sure you don't.
What happens if you ignore his commands? What power does he have to enforce these dictates?
What happrns if you simply go about your day and ignore him, setting meals that you plan?
Can he go to a hospice facility?
If I ignore him or fail to obey him, there will either be a fight (like yesterday) or sulking manipulation (which is going on today). I get to listen to words intended to guilt-trip me. "You'll be glad when I'm gone. I'll just stop taking my pills so that it can happen quicker. I sure don't want to be stuck with you for much longer, you arrogant self-righteous fat pig. Ask your father, see what he thinks about your weight, you eat like a pig."
He's not to the point of hospice yet. Until the weather turned, he was golfing several times a week, but while at home, it is all he can do to get from his recliner to the bathroom, won't even come to the table for meals now. He refused to take part in the cardiac clinic, which is the predecessor for pallliative care and eventually hospice.
Some are some are not.
My Husband was never controlling. He was always gentle and compliant.
Each person is different.
Since your husband has been diagnosed with FTD as well as other problems the controlling issues might be related to other things not just the dementia.
As to "letting it go" how much does your husband retain? If he remembers things that you ask him telling him how you feel might work. (although you do not say what he is trying to control)
If this is new though you should discuss it with his doctor.
The control issues might be anxiety and there are medications.
If this is a personality change it could be a UTI
Are there task you can suggest that are within his capabilities?
"You may give the cat treats now." (I need permission to give the cat treats?)
"I will let you bring me a ginger ale now." ("Let"? How about "I'd like a ginger ale, please.")
"For lunch tomorrow I want . . . " (I am no longer allowed to plan our meals, he places his order in advance and God forbid if I don't have that item on hand. Lunch is our big meal, not supper. Yesterday he asked me to bring home a Whopper while I was in town, twenty minutes away. He threw it because it was cold and soggy, and that was after I reheated it.)
"I told you to watch the game with me, not sit in the same room on your computer." (I abhor football, it is bad enough I have to listen to it, I have no desire to watch it, yet he feels he must order me to look at the tv instead of my tablet.)
"Turn on your news." (Why is "my" news? I don't want to watch the news because he sits there and fixates on what he sees and gets offended when I ignore his rantings. "Call your father now and tell him the Pope told Biden it is okay to receive communion." "See that? Close your Facebook account like I did." "Aw shut up, jerk." [to the news report, not me] It is just a constant litany of words so that I don't actually really hear the news.)
He wants to control what I look at, what I eat, how long I am out when I go for groceries and demands an accounting of every stop I made, when I vacuum, when I run the dishwasher or empty it, etc.
I'm only able to reply now because he is asleep.