We can't get married because of her! She is always sick and very selfish. She goes in and out of the hospital because she doesn't follow the doctor's orders. My partner and I are starting to save some money for our wedding, and now his mother is in a hospital again and will undergo surgery because she slipped and hit her head. That is because she thinks she is superwoman! She doesn't even say thank you to me or to her son! So now, our savings will go to her medical bills, because she didn't bother working and just depends on her children's salary. She didn't even raised her son well! My partner would go to school without lunch because his mom didn't prepare anything for him. So my partner would ask his friends to spare him some food. And now??? My partner is responsible for her when she wasn't a responsible mother at all!!! She is selfish!!! She is very demanding too! My partner and I can't even enjoy our lives because there's always something wrong with her. I just want her to be gone because I feel so bad for her son. Her son is experiencing depression now because of the stress she's bringing into the family. She doesn't even say thank you! She doesn't follow doctor's orders! She is stubborn and will go against the dont's!!! In short, she is wasting her son's money and efforts! I hope this time, she dies!!!
Oh, and she also said to me before "how did you even graduate from college?" She was so shocked that I have a degree. I put my chin up and said, "Because my parents worked so hard and because they took care of me, my mom prepared my food"... she couldn't even do that for her son! She also keeps on bragging about the achievements of her son as if she made some contribution to it when all she could give to his son is stress!!!
I hope you and your partner will find a viable solution soon.
It seems apparent that no matter what this woman has done in the past or present that your partner is committed to his mom. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Has he told you his feelings?
He obviously feels responsible for her. Does he have permission from his mom to speak to her doctor? Does he have medical power of attorney?
If he does, speak to the doctor about her prognosis. Then ask to speak to the hospital social worker for direction. Make it clear that you no longer wish to pay for her care.
How old is she? How old are you and your partner? How long have you been involved with him?
She will be a BUTTINSKEE or however you spell it once she becomes your MIL.
I would rethink this relationship. If fiancé can’t stand up to his own mother, it’s time to move on.
The old saying is NOT true “marry a man, marry his family.” WRONG!! Not true. Not if they are a BUTTINSKEE!!
BUTTINSKY is the correct spelling. Someone who BUTTS IN. An intruder or a MEDDLER.
I wouldn’t wish anyone dead but I wouldn’t want them in my life either.
I don't understand why your savings are paying her bills. Did you agree to this or was the money in a joint account that your partner used without your consent?
I hope you aren't all living together.
Move on.
Get her on Medicaid. You are being used, both by your boyfriend and his mom.
Wish you all the best
You are trying to protect HIS money. If he doesn't see that his mother is using him, perhaps this is not a good relationship for you to pursue.
Perhaps YOU are being used by them both.
I think I'll give everything up if this will turn out bad. I am just so tired of chasing. We were supposed to get married already this year, but his mom did something to hurt herself intentionally when she heard that we are already starting to get ready for the wedding.
You are the only one that can stop his mooching mom! I WOULD NOT marry this man that feels financially responsible for his mom. You are in for a rough marriage if you do not stop this now.
Mom needs to butt out and son needs to stand up to her. Maybe he can do that with your support. But you need to draw the line in the sand and say NO MORE! BOUNDARIES. What a nightmare.
You see him once a month? That is not enough to base a marrying relationship on.
but his mom... is showing a narcissistic behavior and she makes my husband feel guilty everytime he is with me. Like, "I WASN'T FEELING OKAY AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO VISIT HER WHILE I AM HERE ALONE AND NOT FEELING GOOD?" I only spend 8hrs a month with him and she spends almost the whole month with him yet she still wants his full attention.
It will be VERY DIFFICULT, and a lot of it will depend on you, but even more, on him.
TODAY is my 43rd wedding anniversary. I married the best man I’d ever met, 43 years ago today, after having been warned by everyone who knew us (including my own wonderful dad) that he’d NEVER marry me, because he’d never leave his mother.
My husband’s dad had died when my husband was 19, and my MIL expected and DEMANDED that my husband continue to go to one of the most expensive colleges in this country AND get a full time job to support her. She was a narcissist who did NOT want anyone intruding on her turf.
Early on, she said atrocious things about me, screamed, cried, threw things at us, and I attempted to engage her, placate her, and keep the peace.
IT NEVER WAS ENOUGH. What worked? WE BOTH DIVORCED HER. Even though she had tantrums, said terrible things, made a fool of herself? WE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION TO HER. And that was something I’m not sure either of you are ready to do.
Right now, if your relationship is important enough for you both to do it, your partner MUST calmly tell her that he WILL NOT be responsible for her medical care, but he will help her apply for the benefits available to her. But he MUST state this calmly and quietly, then leave her AND STOP TALKING TO HER to give her time to process what he’s said. That means whatever she says to him, he DOES NOT LISTEN TO HER. and you don’t either.
From what you’ve said, I’m not sure that you OR your partner are ready to do this. But I will tell you, once you’ve BOTH DIVORCED HER in this way, you’ll be in a position to move forward. Keep in mind that my husband lived with my MIL for a year after we’d divorced her. She STILL had tantrums, but they never had the same power over us because she KNEW we’d “walk away” if she did.
You cannot win in verbal confrontation, but you CAN WIN by rearranging her control. Think about this.
Anyway, accept that you aren't going to change your fiance -- his mother will always be his top priority. I'm assuming that you have mixed finances now? If so, then he is using YOUR money to pay for his mother. That means you are being used. How much money do YOU contribute towards his mother's bills?
Stop letting yourself be used. Walk away. This relationship is going nowhere. Look at the resentment you have now, and you only see your fiance once a month. Just think if your fiance had to hear your anger all the time if you lived with him.
She was in her 50’ when he died and she was on a mad tear to date much younger men. Like in their early 40’s.
She has absolutely NO time for any of her grandchildren even though we all lived within 20 minutes of her.
When she couldn’t give her grandchildren the time of day, my husband and I couldn’t give her the time of day either.
when his dad was still alive, his mom used to nag him so much. Like the annoying old lady who doesn't know anything but to be irritated and is always shouting... i really hope it was just her who passed, not my future father in law who is very sweet and caring.
Stop that immediately.
If you have any joint accounts with him, get out of them. Keep your own money. You are being played for a fool.
She is a widow. Doesn't she get SS widow's benefits?
i will surely add this when I talk to him.
A few years ago she picked a fight with him, as she usually does, and they didnt speak for months. Mother's Day came around and since they weren't on speaking terms I did not reach out to her. I had my son bring flowers and a card. She spent Mother's Day with my cousin. I think their bond could be borderline personality disorder as neither respects boundaries. Anyhoot, about a week ago she told me that she told someone else who works for our country that we left her alone on that Mother's Day and he told her that's abuse. Abuse is what she did/does to my husband for 54 years.
Didnt mean to hijack your post. My heart goes out to you having to deal with that.
Tell him to call you when he is ready to put some into place. Until then, work hard, save your own money and look for a future partner who knows his own worth.
Are you afraid if you confront your fiancé that he will choose her over you if you make waves? You are 25 years old. There is a VERY good chance this woman will live for YEARS. So wasting your time and energy hating this woman is not useful. You are going to have to step out and act. You already know this situation doesn't work for you. The question is whether your fiancé will be willing to do what needs to be done.
Your savings are not to pay her medical bills. I can see helping out in some situations for people...but it shouldn't be her retirement fund. There are services out there for people who don't have any money themselves. How on earth are either of you going to save for anything - a wedding, a home, babies if you want them, your own retirement...when you are paying HER way. She needs to apply for Medicaid if she qualifies and your money needs to remain in your pockets.
Her misapplication of her SS funds is not YOUR problem, nor is it his. SHE is still a competent person who is clearly a user and will never stop. So there is only one way to make her stop. Close your bank. She has funds. She has options.
And the hard truth is if your fiancé is not willing to put your relationship first, you may have to make some hard decisions. If he is scared to stand up to her but willing to work on it, that is one thing, but a solid plan has to be in place and progress made. Otherwise you really need to rethink your future with him.
I know you love him. I really do. But I can promise you if you continue forward in the way you are right now...you will absolutely grow to resent him. Not just her. HIM. Because right now it is you two against her, or you see it that way. But after years of that, you are likely going to feel like it is them against YOU. And that you are just there to facilitate her needs and provide money for her pockets.
You have some hard conversations ahead and I don't envy you. But you are going to have to have them. That is the first step. And see where that takes you.
Because here is my final thought...a person like you describe, someone so self focused, uncaring of what anyone else needs, focused on their own needs at the detriment of everyone around them...will suck the life out of you and they will not change. Why should they? Everyone is waiting on them hand and foot and facilitating all of their needs. She is not going to change. So you either change your approach, change the way you as a couple approach her or make those hard decisions.
I am a bit confused by your posts. You seem to interchange him and her quite often.
What are the medical issues with this woman.
And, even if she was profusely thankful for all of your generosity, that STILL leaves you broke! And resentful that you can't buy a new couch or go on a vacation because of your MILs $3,600 MRI for the fall she took because she refused to pull up the throw rug on her floor.
You've agreed to an unmanageable situation that SHE is not likely to sign off on. YOU and DH are the ones who need to figure out how to sign off of this agreement because it's tearing your marriage apart. Not to mention, it's ridiculous and unwarranted for 'children' to work for a living to pay their parent's bills. Just because she made NO plans for her old age should not mean that it's YOUR responsibility to pave her way with gold lined pavement.
The gravy train needs to stop. Now. Have a heart to heart talk with your DH and let him know that you need to band together and figure out how to get MIL onto Medicaid to finance her medical bills. Consult an Elder Care attorney if necessary to get some guidance on how to go about doing this; it's never straight forward when government benefits are involved. I found the EC attorney to be a HUGE help for me, and the consultation was free.
Wishing you the best of luck getting out of this predicament and on with YOUR lives!
Yes
If I had known how horrible my MIL was going to wind up being I would have NEVER married my DH.
He isn't a mama's boy, but he simply refused to see how awful she was to me for, oh, about 40 years. And he never said ANYTHING supportive of me to her. He NEVER 'cleaved unto his wife'..never.
You see your fiancé once a month for 8 hours? why is that? Is she taking all his spare time?
Engagement is a 'trial run' to see if you are compatible and to work on issues that are a natural part of ANY couple planning marriage.
I would cut and run from this guy. As fast as possible. His mom could live for 40 more years, easily. You want to be back here in 5, 10, 20 years complaining that your hubby is 'addicted' to his mom??? Sounds like he's making noise about putting you first but he isn't doing it, is he?
My sneaky MIL called on both my birthday and our anniversary one year, demanding that he come and fix something at her house. He spent the entire day, both days at her place. Got home so late there wasn't time to go out to celebrate anything. He didn't 'see it'. Never did. Blamed me for being selfish. She boasted with pride how she had ruined both days for me.
Our only and biggest arguments in our marriage were due to his mother being a pill. He defended her to the hilt and expected me to 'grow up already'.
While we have not had to financially help her, thank goodness, we have done plenty to support her over the years. He is 'on call' for her, 24/7. She's 90 and will live forever and ever.
50% of this problem is her, 50% is him. I cannot change the way he runs to her aid and she has him under her thumb. He complains, but does nothing to change the dynamic.
I 'divorced her' about 8 months ago. I have not seen her and will not willingly place myself in a situation where I have to even look at her face. Sounds harsh, I know, but this woman has caused me so much pain and anguish. I'm still recovering from cancer and she stated it was a 'shame' that I survived. I don't care who you are, you just don't ACT like that!
I WAS warned before marrying my DH that she didn't 'like me' but at age 20, I was sure I could bring her 'round.
It has been h*ll. Please, please, please look more closely at this guy and his mom and decide now if he's worth it.
My DH is a kind man, but will maintain forever that his mom comes first. I am not the woman his mom wanted him to marry and I heard that for 40+ years until I simply stopped talking to her.
I wish you luck. Although I do love my husband, it has been a chore to work through issues with his mother and we never will come to terms about her, to him, I am selfish and mean to an 'old, sick lady'. Who was NOT old and sick when I married him. She was 45!
Sorry to hijake your link @Blair1234...I felt that my add-on may give you insight of your future if you stay with this mentality of his. I didn't know before I married him as she lived in another state and we rarely heard from her until we married. Sometimes we let your heart overrun the truth that's placed before us. Signs that tell us that a relationship is not for us and we press on only to find in the end we lose. She will play the card until the end and others are right, you only hurt yourself wishing her death because she can live to be 97 like my grandma. Mines is in her 70's and always state that she is sick to get him in her company. Well 20 years of sickness only cause 20 years of me being angry causing my own snowfall death until I divorced her. But still watching him makes me sad. Prayers to you reading the statements before getting married.
And yes, it is morally destructive to you to wish people dead. A bad place to start from. My concern in that is for you more than your boyfriend's Mom. Things like this eat us from the inside out.
OP asked was it wrong to wish her MIL was dead. I was saying, yes it is.
I hope your share of the savings is not going to her medical bills. If this woman is not on Medicare yet then she probably can get Medicaid healthcare. Your salaries will not be considered. Neither you nor her son should be paying these bills. Hospitals have charity funding she may qualified for.
I also would not marry as long as she is around. Your life will be H*LL.