We didn't get along great growing up and I feel like she is mostly mean and accusing of me. She calls my daughter and talks bad about me, now my daughter takes her side and isn't talking to me. She tells my brother and anyone who will listen everything is my fault. I moved in with her to help but she says I am trying to take over when I am only trying to help her. Do people with Dementia know to pick on only who they want to?
Those who want to be left alone
Those who won't leave you alone
It sounds to me like your mom wants to be left alone, and because you're the other kind of person who won't leave her alone, she gets mean and hateful. It sounds to me like this is pretty typical among elderly and their caregivers. If the person needs care, then they need it and there's nothing they can do about it if they're just not able to take care of themselves (and they're not incompetent). When you've left home as a young adult and lived on your own for long enough, you become so accustomed to it you just don't want it no other way because living on your own means independence. Sometimes when you get old you may get to the point where you could no longer live on your own whereas others can. When you really enjoy your independence, you may very well resent anyone who comes along to help because you know you're losing your independence by accepting help. Let's say you're incompetent and decline help, but your choice is overridden by a persistent person who becomes your caregiver. Of course the patient becomes mean and hateful because they already know they don't want help but in their minds it's being forced on them when they want to be left alone. If you put yourself in the patient's shoes, I think you could clearly understand the patient's view. It's pretty sad when someone loses the ability to take care of themselves, and to even live on their own. This is why it's such a hard decision to make when you know this is not what they would want but they need it. This is why all you can say is if they need it, they need it though some may become mean and hateful after losing their independence. The more that's taken from some of these people, the angrier they'll off then become, depending on how good of stuff they had, including the home they may have owned. When you own your home, of course you won't want to leave it because you probably have a mortgage, or maybe you paid it off. If you still like that home by time you pay it off, you're not likely to want to leave it. Those who own their homes into old age seems to be the ones who take the hardest hit since it's their lives that are being changed. After all, it is the patient having to face that change. Put yourself in their shoes and you'll see what I mean, see it from their viewpoint and you'll know why some patients become mean and hateful. Sometimes the hatefulness can also be a front to protect themselves when they know they're going downhill because they don't want no one else knowing they are secretly declining. Sometimes people who are secretly declining but still live at home may put on this angry front in order to keep anyone from taking advantage of them because so often predatory people do take advantage of declining people. There could be any number of reasons why older people become mean and hateful, but at least what I have to say will at very least give you some idea into some of the reasons why this happens
Since I started this post my life is in knots and I just wonder when the nervous breakdown will come. For a week my mother made some really hurtful comments, one day told me it was better for the household if I left another day I was not welcome in her home any longer. I was about to move out last weekend but all I could think about was what would happen to her if I left. Her home needs complete renovations and any money would probably not last long. I don"t think she has the money to get her in a good Catholic Assisted Living, and I really want this time with her. I have been including my brother in on the memory and loss of time issues, and forgetting who other family members are at times. I had been calling him telling him the hurtful things she says and his response is "she's mental, "she's Bi-polar and now "i am the problem and he is sick of hearing about it from both her and I ". My daughter was going to come for my surgery Thursday (i have a kidney mass and they don't know if it's cancer yet). My brother called her and told her not to come because of what was going on here. My mother and I sat and talked one night when she was in a different frame of mind and she didn't remember anything she said to me. I'm now realizing to relish her good days and lay low on the bad ones. So, now my daughter is not even coming for my surgery because my brother must have given her the impression that i am filling my mothers head with a bunch of crap. I'm am beyond hurt that they would do this to me. Every time I think it can't get any worse, it does! Is there anyway I will come out of this without being so damaged that I will ever lead a normal life again?
I can totally identify with you and some of the hurting ones here. My mum went to stay with my sister when her first child was born and she diligently look after her 3 boys . I had a wonderful helper to look after my own but would sometimes asked for mum's help if my 3 were sick at the same time but she would always turn down my requests as she needed to look after my sister's kids. Nonetheless, my sister would always send her back to me , whenever mum was sick , and would bring mum back to her home , asa mum was able to help with her kids. I remembered once I was in tears, sitting in the hall, wondering why my mum turned down my request for help, and the Lord spoke " I will always be with you , I am not like your mum" I was very stunned when these words, flashed over my mind but this revelation comforted me every time , without fail. When my mum had a stroke in 2009 and became bedridden , true to my sister's character , mum was sent back to me , and my sister refused to take mum back since . I have been taking of mum , since that date . I was bitter towards my sister for a few years , for forsaking a mum who had been so dedicated to looking after her wellbeing . However I learnt these : 1) The Lord, will never forsake me and He will always be there for me , and for you too , so be comforted 2) We do what we can to take care of our parents , as that is the Lord's 5th commandments that we are to honour our parents , so that our days will be long. 3) forgive and move on , and just do what we can , and forget who is right and wrong, it is more for our own sanity for unforgiveness will eat into our soul and hollow us out eventually . Trust me , the feeling of feeling angry towards someone else and feeling we are being taken advantage of is worst for us . Learn to forgive and we will feel so light and happy and improve our overall well being . The bible is right .. forgive and forgive and forgive .
But , it is important that we are not being walked and stepped all over , as we strived to do our duty as daughters and care giver. I think you should list down all the happenings, talk to the doctor , research and ask around .. to see if such behaviour befits dementia. Document down as much as you can and later find a good opportunity to explain to your daughter or any one that had wrong idea about you with your research and information collected. It may help others close to you to understand the disease as well as what you are going through . Hugs and love from me.. You are all doing a wonderful job .. Keep it up but put a smile on your face. Jesus loves you , always .
This is why parents must treat their kids very well or they'll pay the consequences later when their kids want nothing to do with them later, especially when the parents most need their kids. Notice how the tables turn. If parents mistreat their kids now, the kids won't be there when the parents most need them later. It's kind of like driving a wedge between them and their own kids, because abusive parents actually drive the kids away to the point the grown kids just can't be in the picture. Then when death comes, the grown kids are less likely to want to even host a funeral let alone be there.
The son who was falsely accused of arson would've had a nice funeral for his dad, but changed his mind and signed off on the direct cremation order, and the body was cremated. The preened was set up long ago, but I guess after the son found out about his dad also being bad toward others, this may have had something to do with why there was never a funeral or even a follow up obituary beyond the death notice. He probably figured no one would come to the funeral after being treated so badly, so I guess he made the best decision in our best interest and when I had with direct cremation. When you mistreat others in your life and make no effort for restoration and reconciliation, no one will want to remember you when you're gone because it's kind of like others are thinking "good riddance" but just don't have the guts to say it. This is why parents must trea
Do you think you could learn to accept her and love her just the way she is? The way a mother is supposed to love the two-year-old, mid-tantrum, not because they deserve your love, but because they need it so much. You will need to agree with her that everything sucks. Honestly, however much you do for her, she is still stuck in her aging, failing body, and ruled by her forgetful, hallucinating, frightened brain.
It's a lot to ask, to change yourself from the rejected, criticized child, into a powerful, compassionate caregiver with a tender heart and thick rhino skin. Many people can't do it because of their history. But when I can succeed in doing it, I feel full of love and capable, and I know it's all worth it.
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
As for listening to this person on the phone, I'm sure it gets old and boring. What I would do if you choose to listen it's just pick up the phone and do one of two things:
As soon as she starts, lay the phone down and walk away. That way you don't have to listen to her as long as it's not on speakerphone.
Another thing you can do as soon as she starts is just quietly hang up. If you have caller ID, just don't answer when her name and number comes up. Sooner or later she'll get the hint you don't want to hear it.
You can try getting her some professional help, but I don't know how much good it will do. Don't pay for it, make her or her insurance pay for it. It may be that you'll be looking at putting her into a nursing home or some other place where she can get needed help.