I missed Christmas day with my grand daughter last year because my two sisters would not have dad for the day and now the same is happening this year they wont have mum so i can spend the day with my 4 year old and 6 month old grand children I cared for my dad up until he died this year and now i am caring for mum my two sisters dont help and i cant take anymore when they come to visit mum they say i am not keeping the house clean they criticize me on every think my partner is living 320 miles away because they dont want him living in the house with me and mum They goad me into losing my temper I am trapped because if i move they will put mum in a home and she does not want that .
Is there a facility or family where she can stay for the day so you can visit with your grandkids? Explain that you are alternating years of celebrating with your mom on Christmas day and Christmas Eve. If siblings want to help, great. If not, then let them keep quiet.
Is mom aware of what is going on?
1. Wanting to spend Christmas with your grandchildren
2. Feeling resentful that mom's care falls to you.
1. Arrange for your sisters to spend Christmas eve or Dec 26th to with mom. Start a new family tradition of that being your special day with your grandkids.
2. Start looking around for good facilities for mom. "They don't want" and "mom doesn't want"? Slavery was abolished a long time ago. Your mother needs care. Not necessarily your hands on care. You've done your share.
I think it is time to pretend you are an only child and act accordingly, make arrangements for caregivers for your mum so you can have time off. It may be too late for christmas, but make it your new year's resolution to be more assertive about your needs.
I went through what you are and until YOU change it nothing will happen. Next year maybe mom should be in a community, then you will not have to deal with it at all. My mom was moved earlier this year. My sissies wanted to have mom to their homes for holidays. I would not let that happen as my mom's confusion then agitation increased when in their homes with many more people than she was accustomed to. Sissies thought I was trying to control mom and them. They found out differently this year when facility did not want mom to go out because of behavior issues that are a major part of her life.
You will have more to give back to her if you don't set yourself up with such disappointments which build resentments. Also who knows what grandchildren may be thinking about why they are not being important enough for you to be with them? Kids are very egocentric because that is how they are developmentally wired and they may think it is something lacking in them that keeps you away! Yikes....
Hope these thoughts have been helpful.
Bring your partner back too. No reason why Cinderella should live in a love-less convent. I'm sure your Mom would be ecstatic to have him around too.
You're not a servant, and you're certainly no one's doormat. So stop behaving like one.
I'm trying to teach myself that overbearing/domineering/bullying siblings are only paper tigers - what, really, can they do? Who made them your boss? The trouble is, when it comes to confrontation on specific issues or in real-life situations, those paper tigers are still genuinely scary. And getting over the life-long habit of giving in to their expectations is very hard, very stressful work.
But, Wringles, if you want anything to change, you have to start somewhere. Please say a little more about how your situation came to be?
Thanks for understanding. Wringles' post reminded me of when my sisters would drop by on Sundays to gossip with Mom all day long. "This house is a barn" (I was a single father with twin boys on self-destruct mode); "Do you know what a mop is?"; "You should marry one of those guacamole women to cook, clean, and watch your kids. Yeah, one of those that never leaves the house."
Bunch of overfed, trifling troglodites! They'd leave the fridge barren, a pile of dishes, and use up all the toilet paper. In the evening a large pizza with extra cheese and three toppings. Those bloated buffaloes didn't even offer me or the kids a slice. Since I was the "host" I had to pay for everything. "Next Sunday," they said, "we're going to bring fried chicken, potato salad, soda, etc." Seven days later a knock on the door. Only thing they brought -- as usual -- was their mouth. Tried to negotiate, but that didn't work. So I had a psycho moment that scared them s__tless.
"Sundays you're going to pick her up at 10 and bring her back exactly at 10. ... Mother's Day will be at your house(s). Holiday weekends she's all yours. If you don't pick her up I'll drop her off at your doorstep. Is that understood?" In unison, they all screamed "Yes sir!" (I'm a Marine, so I guess that was their way of feebly trying to get back at me.)
To my mother, "Forget about the guacamole b__ch they told me to get. Housecleaning is going to be your responsibility from now on. ... It's about time you started pulling your own weight. Is that clear?" She nodded. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." Whimpering, she said "Esta bien, esta bien. ... Dios mio, que pasa con este muchacho?" I said "I dropped my cojones (b__s) the day you moved in. ... Just found them."
Way to go! Sometimes it all has to be said. They may have seen it as a psycho moment but if you are being taken advantage of geez they had it coming. Kind suggestions and discussions dont work with siblings that have nothing to offer but excuses as to why they cant/wont helped as agreed.
Inability to independently manage regular activities of living
Difficulty coping and accepting physical changes of aging
Frustration with ongoing medical problems and increasing number of medications
Social isolation as adult children are engaged in their own lives
Feeling inadequate from inability to continue to work
Boredom from retirement and lack of routine activities
Financial stresses from the loss of regular incomearrogant was I to think MY reality was THE reality?!!! Wasn't my reality just my own perception? I try and try to remember this little lesson when dealing with my bossy brother and my self absorbed mother. As CarlaCB said (more or less) sometimes it's better to get along than to be right. I do draw the line when someone wants to dictate what goes on in my own home as I think everyone should - having a shared parent living there complicates things but ultilmately its your life -compromise when you can but be prepared to act like a Marine when you can't. Oorah!
My policy is to be the person that is the most helpful, honest, compassionate, and caring, this is aging.care, and I have learned that from many here.
Things are at times never fair, but hold onto the great things, and focus on the positive.