My mother who is 96 has slowly been getting dementia. Other than being extremely negative and not a pleasure to be around, I have noticed she has been making up new memories. I know these are new because these memories include me or things I know about.
Many revolve around food. Like how we ate certain food or how she cooked it. Things she never ever made and so on. I know it isn't anything major, but I have just noticed more of these little memories that never happened come up.
And now in her old age she has anxiety which she never did before. Winter is the worst. She is no longer pleasant and always plays the victim. I have a whole new respect for caregivers since I am now having to care for her.
I never want to put my kids in this position.
What may be happening is she sees something and it gets filed in her brain.
With the screwed up filing system of dementia that visual "memory" may seem like a "real memory".
My thought on this is do not let it stress you or do not argue with her. An argument with someone with dementia is an argument that you will never "win". It will do noting but upset her and you.
So...go with the flow.
laugh
redirect
or if you want to see where this goes..ask her more questions. Sometimes there may be a nugget of fact mixed with the "memory salad".
Thank you!
Hope everyone set their scale back 10 pounds this weekend.
My mom was always making up the most amazing, fabulous stories. I would look at her and just go 'whaaaaat'?
She was watching an ancient re-run of Bonanza and said, matter of factly--"Oh, did you know Dick (her brother who has been deceased for 5 years) had Michael Landon over to the house for a BBQ and a swim?" (Ok, yes, my uncle DID know Michael Landon, he was in the entertainment industry)...but since both men have been gone for some time--obviously this was a HUGE story. Mom was adamant that it had happened 'last week'. And said that they were just the dearest of friends. Well, this may or may not have been true in the 60's but was not likely a current event. I couldn't talk her out of it, so I just rolled with it.
All her stories had her coming out the 'belle of the ball' kind of thing. I know she doesn't mean it and where in her brain these stories are percolating...
I don't think it's unusual and I don't think there's anything to do to change it. Just roll with it. Mom was far more fun to talk to when she was 'in a mood' than normally.
I wonder what I will be like when I am more 'crazy' than I am now. And if my kids will be talking about ME on a board like this?
It will make your life so much easier to just go along with whatever she says and it will most certainly keep the peace which of course is priceless.
I have a friend whose memories are that our other friend has been stealing her toilet paper. Also all her new underwear and her soup pot. It does get weird sometimes. And - heads up - paranoia can go along with making up stuff. Such as not remembering that they put jewelry in a bank deposit box and thinking that people are trying to break into the house to get it. Or have broken into the house and took it. And are trying to kill them (which is bad because you never want the dementia patient to think they can retaliate in a violent way). Be prepared.
Your Mom is 96?!!! The thought of my Mom hanging on this long terrifies me. She is mean/nasty/arrogant/critical... Be good to yourself as best you can... How is your Mom's health? Do you have anyone else who pops around to visit-take a load off? You live with her? She has part time Caregivers? My Mom lives alone. I go up 2-3 times per month..
Talk about burn out..she is exhausting and I try but if I ask her a question she accuses me of accusing her of something. My mother is pretty much no longer there..her personality is of someone else.
She isn't "making up" anything. She is experiencing organ failure and her brain is dying.
People don't get told that dementia is organ failure, and I think it one of the most egregious omissions in medical treatments.
Imagine how frightening and overwhelming it is to have your entire way of experiencing the world ripped to shreds and even your mind cannot be trusted.
Confabulation is a symptom of various memory disorders in which made-up stories fill in any gaps in memory.
My mother, when her dementia was advanced, started telling me these fantastic stories of how her 'girls' (at the Memory Care ALF) would take her and all of her belongings to a new & lovely hotel every night, but before hand, they'd take her to a fancy restaurant for a huge feast, and then to a club for some wonderful entertainment, then off to the fancy new hotel for the night. She'd say how exhausted she was from 'all that running around' when in reality, she'd never left the Memory Care campus.
When her Sundowning got bad and her false memories weren't so great, I got the PA to write her a script for Ativan .25 mgs which helped her A LOT, especially with the anxiety component. When hospice came on board, they increased the dose to .5 as needed, and she did quite well, all things considered. If you are going to take care of mom at home, get her PCP involved to write prescriptions as needed to help her AND you through this transition which can be very difficult. I don't think you're wrong to ask questions, or that your mom is 'wrong' to be acting as she is; it's just part & parcel of dementia which is a very difficult disease to manage for you, and for her to live through. #Truth. IMO, it's a lose-lose for all concerned; we lose ourselves in the caregiving role, and our mother's lose THEMSELVES to the dreadful disease they're afflicted with. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you & your mom.
He magically appeared as her new husband a few weeks after my dad died, and for the next 2 1/2 years we were regaled with tales of his heroism. He worked for NASA and was on the roof of the nursing home dismantling a satellite that had crashed there, he was a telephone lineman, and he was a private pilot for the Kennedys and flew the whole family to Hyannis Port for the funeral of a Kennedy grandchild (someone was always dying in that family dontcha know), and Dan not only flew the plane with one hand, he held the dying infant in his other as it expired. (It had been born with only half a head, you know.)
These tales went on and on, and she even convinced a visitor that she had indeed remarried to the extent that said visitor trotted off to the Rotary Club newsletter editor, shared the news, and it was published in their monthly newsletter!
That was a fire I never expected to have to put out!
If you never want to do this to your children, I suggest at the first major medical crisis in your life, you decline major medical treatment and let Nature take its course.
That's how things went in this country as recently as the 1940s -- Crisis --> decline over the course of months, not years --> death. Now we have far too much medical intervention that allows us to live long enough for our brains to fail before our bodies, and I'm not sure that's a good idea.
He said it was like having cable because they play the same thing over and over again.
Its all part of the brain dying.
When my husband had his stroke, when they left the TV on in his room he would get sucked into it often. As I was unable to be in the room (covid lockdowns) I asked the nurses to just keep it off. I could only "be with" him via ipad, so as far as he was concerned during recovery that was just how reality happens-- through speakers. Then his brain filled up with his own weird imaginings. I could see him playing with his ipad (that was on the table not in his hands) and vaping the pulse oximeter (or trying to. hes 6'4" and so they had to four-point him. he ket trying to throw himself out of bed to pee. while catheterized. no information to him was sticking in his memory or understanding.)
I'm finding a lot of similarities between that stroke/aneurysm recovery and my mom's gentle drifting off into space. (this is what my mom calls it herself. Lost in space.) She realizes after awhile that these rich vivid memories are actually the TV, and is getting scared that sometimes she does not.
She must have know it was happening for awhile - when she isn't feeling well, Hallmark is on consistently. When her brain "feels wrong" she leaves hallmark on, otherwise I think its whateverCBS lineup). She'd explained it before I can't remember the exact way she described it.
The beachcoming metaphor worked best. On the beach are these shells of memory, then the wave rushes in, sending them all tumbling, and she's left walking up and down the beach trying to figure out which shells are the ones she started with, and which are the new ones brought in by the tide
I keep my Mom's TV on Hallmark (in MC) all the time, it's very harmless. She's too often unable to change channels and anything akin to news is way too much for her. She sometimes changes channels when trying to shut the TV off and I call staff to change it back for her. I think it helps with loneliness to watch others in these pablum shows and they're always non-threatening.
The anxiety may be due to low D3 and zero access to sunlight; you could have her checked for it and have it supplemented. She may also be sun-downing and increasingly intolerant of the longer winter days.
My Mom, at 88, was talking to me last evening about how we should do potluck for our XMas dinner and told me she'd been shopping all day. I just talked about recipes with her for the remainder of the call.
My Mrs. was very similar. Caution-the lorazepam can knock her out. we cut it up in quarters as best we could so as to calm her down versus knock out.
If you get a caregiver, get nanny cams for the protection of your valuables, sentimental or otherwise, actually just lock them all up, and the protection of her and to make sure they’re doing their job.
I had one caregiver everybody liked and I fired her and they asked why. I showed them the nanny cam tape where she was acting arrogant and rude and actually kicked the misses and gave her a bruise. Another caregiver wrote in the log that she got up all night and did her job but I checked the cam and she hadn’t done anything.
Also, Hide the medication or someone will give it to her to knock her out so they don’t have to deal with her.
You really need to look into all the caregiving stuff and get educated.
get help - sounds like you can see down the road that burn out is in your future if you don’t otherwise. Good luck and God bless you because you are her angel.😇
Caregiving is one of the most difficult challenges a person can ever face. Now that you see this, if possible, get your own ducks in a row. Get long term health ins if you can afford it, get your will, living will and advance directives made clear now, so your kids won’t have as much to deal with. You need to do these things when your mind is clear.
Search the term Confabulation in Google.com and you will see a lot of links to websites that provide more insights. Just be sure the sites you use are medical sites... NIH, Mayo, WebMD, Medical Universities, etc. to get clearer information. It goes along with a lot of brain disorders.
If the stories are not about untrue frightening events, it doesn't necessarily need treatment with medicine as many have suggested but definitely needs more patience and understanding on the part of the caregiver. Knowing the name for the issue has definitely helped me ignore his statements and cope better as a 24/7 caregiver. It is still hard to listen to him say things in public that I know not to be true especially when those listening may not be aware of his condition.
Note to Learn2Cope... my husband did this long before I was completely aware of just how much his cognitive decline had become an issue. You may want to discuss this with her doctor.
My mother has been gradually remembering things I have done as things she did for a long time. Sometimes she was there at the time but not in the role she claimed. It used to drive me nuts and I felt like she was gradually stealing my life. As it has gotten worse I have learned to let her have her “memories” since they mean so much to her. We have similar interests but she encouraged me to follow them where her family and the culture at the time would not let her do the same things. In a way she can finally feel like she has done them and it makes her happy. It is a compliment that she has chosen my life to take in as her memories. After she is gone my memories will be my own again so if she needs to borrow them for a while that’s ok.
So far she hasn’t had any personality changes, she has always been stubborn! You do have your hands full!
I wonder about whether one of these could work for some demented people if their mood is low. They have directions on them, you are supposed to sit where it will shine onto your eyes for some period of time, like 30 minutes. You can put next to a laptop you're looking at, for example.
There's solid research about these.
It is not unusual, but it is not the "normal" functioning of a healthy brain.