My mom is 82. She lives with my sister and her family. I spend my time between helping with mom (in PA) and going home (NJ). For the past year my mom has become so obsessed with everything being done ASAP. She mentions something and if we don’t get to it immediately she does it. It is driving us nuts. We are busy, we all work outside of the home and we do things on our timeframe. Example: mom will say we need chicken from the freezer downstairs. If someone doesn’t go down and get it immediately, there she goes downstairs to get it. UGGGH. Another example…I could be on a meeting, she will knock on the door and I shake my head no. She will then write a note, open the door and want me to read the note. The note was not important and could have waited. I am getting so frustrated! Oh the washing machine dings it is done…she tells us, we don't jump to transfer it and there she is transferring it. Help!
In reading through the responses, I'm not seeing a lot of actual suggestions other than "ignore her / let her do it" or rarely, "just do it for her."
So here are my thoughts, fwiw at this point:
1) Has she actually been evaluated for dementia? Given that, has she been evaluated for anxiety, or can her PCP help with medication for anxiety? You didn't mention anything about her physical condition - is it safe for her to do things like getting the chicken downstairs, or not (and that's what's making you worried)?
2) How does she do with understanding time in general? When she demands something, would setting a timer (a physical one, like a twist-on kitchen timer she can see move) help with her understanding statements like, "I'll get the chicken in 10 minutes when I'm done this other task?"
3) Would putting up a whiteboard or pad of paper on your office door give her a physical way of writing down what she needs when you're in a meeting, and help relieve the fear of forgetting? That would of course require her understanding the boundary if you're in the meeting, she writes it down and then when you come out you will read it and that's it.
Hope this helps... Good luck in any case!
i love the idea of the whiteboard on my office door!!
With my Mom, she's fixated on the start of winter anytime it was below 80°F; even in the middle of summer for the last 4 years; and that she was exhausted & wanted to take a nap. It seem that whatever mood they were in, what they were feeling, or the stresses they were dealing with at the time their Dementia set it; it will magnify that feeling 10X from then on. As far as her doctors & myself can figure out; her Dementia set in sometime in the late fall/early winter of 2014. She just retired that past May and would forget she retired starting in March/April the following year along with the first signs of "hating the fact that winter's coming". I've been hearing that for the last 6/7 years. BTW, my Mom also developed The Bionic Woman hearing like your Mom. She can hear me sneeze over her TV, with neighbors on both sides cutting the grass; at the same time; while I'm upstairs in bed, on my only day off. It doesn't matter what time of day or day of the week it is now, she'll pound relentlessly on the wall til I come downstairs; she's lost the ability to reason time of day.
(1) living in a family “caregiver” situation is not easy
for patient OR for their various family members 😵💫
(2) their situation/disability (diagnosed Parkinson’s
Disease in his case, after suffering a moderate
stroke) goes against the grain of the independent
nature he always had … a huge frustration 🤯
(3) for someone who NEVER wanted to be late for
anything, we accommodate this part of his nature
by arranging our time frame starting 1/2 hr earlier
than I would normally do it (appointments, etc).
He still asks when lunch will be ready (at 10am😉)
(4) family caregivers need RESPITE care for family
member/patients if they are working at home and
have young children or are a similar age as their
“patient”, as in our case 🙃 Often the form of
respite can come in the form of at-home help if
it is challenging to get them out to PT/OT and
other care (Speech/Swallow/Cognitive therapy).
They can be considered for Palliative (at-home)
Care which gives family caregiver respite breaks.
Patient’s DR is a great source to relieve caregiver’s
frustration, where appropriate and warranted for
Medicare coverage consideration … each situation
is unique 🤗
If there are things she can do herself safely without harming anything, then I'd say let her do it. Maybe even encourage some independence, so she isn't so bored. Maybe find her a hobby to do or delegate certain chores or tasks she can do around the house (folding laundry?) so she feels needed and not like a bump on a log. If that doesn't work, then the only other thing to do is talk to her about it (boundaries) and assure her you will get things done on your own time and you dont need her to do it.
(If possible, you might tell her when). Whatever you do, don't jump to meet her demands unless they are urgent and she can't take care of them herself. Try not to stress over this. Respond matter-of-factly. She can wait if she has to.
I don't think you can assume dementia.
When you are her age, time passes slowly. Believe me, I know! It's hard to wait when you don't have much to do. When you haven't a lot to occupy your mind, all you can think about is what needs to be done.
The suggestion about senior day care is a good one. If she has something to do, something else to occupy her mind, it will be easier for her to be patient.
Also/or get the biggest dry erase board (mine is about 18"x15") and Velcro it to the fridge or area close by the place your mom occupies most. Using an indelible ink marker write at the top "Things I'd like Patty to Help Me Accomplish" add a little cartoon drawing of a flower and smiley face with a bow on top. If you're a guy doing this put a bow under the smiley face. Leave a dry erase marker on a string near the board. Let her erase the tasks as you do them or do the task together.
When she does things herself tell her how you are genuinely impressed and appreciate her efforts. If she's got dementia, she's a little kid and needs pats on the head and encouraging words. "Man, when I'm your age I hope to be a good as you are". Or "you're giving me the courage of facing my senior years more positively".
You and I know it's a big ball of eye-crossing screwiness that makes you want to bang your head against a wall, (I'm living it everyday for 15 years), but they are whacky innocent babes behind that old sometimes hardened unsmiling faces, and they would be lost without you. Forgive me for being myself.
Is this unsafe?
If your mom can do things herself, that's great! I would encourage her to do what she can safely. Then, she can get things done in her timeline, which happens to be right away.
Maybe, a kind , " Mom, we will get to that, I must keep track of my work schedule"
Even his doctors tell him to slow down with "needs" at appointments.
I'd call it anxiety. These elders would never admit to that!
Waiting around for other people to do something you feel you can manage yourself - or even that you can't manage, but it's bugging you - that's frustrating too.
It's all the same. It's all emergent. They do this especially to paid Brother's Wife, and paid Brother's Wife parrots this to "family" to help for free unlike her. However, when the indy comes, the demanding stops. They have more boundaries with the indy.
She might also need something to occupy her time and her focus. She may not have anything and feels bored or lonely.
This is a sign of age related memory loss. Another cause is many elderly have nothing else to keep them occupied other than these small tasks, and it makes them feel relevant. If she is able to do some of those tasks, like transferring the laundry - just let her do it. You may also be able to disable ding on the washer and dryer. I would install a hook and eye lock up high on the basement door so she's not going up and down those stairs. Not much more I can offer here.