Is it okay to feel like you just want it all to end?

I haven’t posted in a while.

I take care of my mother most of the time. I get some relief from a paid caregiver. Mom turned 95 in November. She has aphasia and is mostly in bed now, and eats very little.

My oldest brother (72 years old) who lives with her is the problem. He has major medical issues — epilepsy (since he was a baby), advanced pulmonary fibrosis, heart disease, leukemia. He is on oxygen all the time now. He can do very little for Mom. He does feed her when no one else is here. The good thing is that he is in the house with her at night. I wanted Mom to go into a nursing home several months ago because I had reached the end of my rope, but my brother refused. Without him agreeing, the nursing home said it would be very hard to do.

I do very little for my brother since he has blown up at me 4 times now (unwarranted) over the past year. The last time was last Sunday.

Mom was in her wheelchair in front of where he was sitting in the living room. All of a sudden, he reached over to Mom’s hand and pulled off a bump of keratosis and put it in his mouth. Mom had a hole in her hand. His long-time girlfriend was there and we just looked at each other as it was all registering. I asked him if he knew what he just did, but he couldn’t answer. I did tell him after it was over, but bottom line is that he didn’t know what he did, nor does he remember.

The next day, I asked him about calling the doctor about what happened (either he could or I could). I had to explain again what he did because he was thinking it was about losing his balance. He said No to the docotor. I said I thought he had a seizure. But, no matter what the cause, a doctor should know what happened. (I was nice and calm when speaking to him.)

Ten minutes later, he blew up and me, telling me that before I start accusing him, that I don’t know what I am talking about — trying to say he knows when he is about to have a seizure. He also said not to involve the doctors. It went downhill from there. I haven’t talked to him since. No one can reason with him. I don’t know if he was upset with me because of saying he had a seizure (he is so sensitive) or what he did to Mom. He didn’t even believe his girlfriend when she acknowledged that it happened.

I know it wasn’t intentional, but there has to be a medical reason. He kept trying to say it was lack of oxygen. But, the reason is really irrelevant at this point. He has had other issues over the past year where he can’t respond to me. He can’t tell the doctor if he doesn’t know what happened.

I did call his doctor the next day (I am on his HIPPA), just so someone was aware of it. I was told there wasn’t anything they could do, unless I brought him in for an appointment or took him to the ER. That is not going to happen since he is capable of making his own medical decisions right now.

Everyone in the family is on my side, but no one can talk to him because of how he reacts. (My middle brother was actually present when my older brother blew up, but he didn’t come to my defense. He had is own issues with our brother over the years. He later told me that no one should be talked to that way, and to let him know if he talks to me like that again. Yeah, like he will do something....) So I am on my own.

All I can think of is that I want this all to be over. As much as I am going to miss her, I just want Mom to pass and for her to take him with her.... I can’t do this anymore. Then I feel guilty.