I'm really trying to keep my emotions in check and my expectations reasonable. It's hard when my mother consistently asks me do I need help with things and I tell her sure and she starts talking, reading the paper, looking through her magazines and etc. She's literally standing right next to me so I find it hard to believe she's not remembering. I get frustrated because she's always asking me to help and how she wants to make sure she's contributing. She goes to the mailbox but only when she has donation envelopes to put in. Other times when I ask her to grab it she's not feeling well. Jesus take the wheel!!!
https://www.verywellhealth.com/executive-functioning-alzheimers-98596
The question is not why she can't do something. It's whether she can, or not.
E.g.
Can she be relied on to pick up the mail every day?
No, she can't. So don't expect her to. Don't *rely* on it. Ask her, by all means, but don't let it matter if you end up doing it yourself.
That way you save yourself the botheration of trying to figure out if she's being bone-idle or really can't remember to do it; and you also avoid trying to force her into more than she can handle, and resenting her the while.
If you believe (and I wouldn't argue at all) that it is important to her wellbeing that she stays involved in daily household routines, then break tasks down into simple steps and prompt her to carry them out. If she's able, great. If she isn't, leave it be.
Suppose, for example, you ask her to dry the dishes. And suppose she starts fine, but then puts down the cloth and wanders off round the kitchen, fiddling with things. That's annoying because it doesn't get the dishes dried, and there may not be any obvious reason why she can't carry on, but the fact is she can't sustain the focus on the task - a slightly different thing from not being able to "remember" what she's doing.
It isn't until little links in the chain fray and break that we come to realise just how complex our humdrum daily routines are.
As I read her explanation it reminded me of my Grandson and his ADD. When he was a kid you didn't give him tok many tasks at once. Even when medicated. Now he isn't medicated (because of epilepsy meds) and he is worse. I have had to learn to give him only one task at a time. Don't give him too much info. He gets overwhelmed. This is the samevwith someone suffering from a Dementia. They have a hard time processing what you are saying. So u have to keep it simple. If she asks u to do something and you feel it something she can do for herself, kindly tell her that. She wants a bottle of water. She really has forgotten where they are. "Mom, you can get one out of the frig" If she can dress herself but she forgets where her clothes are, lay them out for her. Have her do as much for herself as she can.
Not saying that is happening to your Mother but if early dementia is already diagnosed, there will be brain changes. Easy to cover up as her language is still good in a short Doctor appointment. More thorough testing will explain specific life areas she will have trouble with.
You can decide on further testing if you think it will be useful. There are great resources on Dementia if you like to study. One is a free online course offered by University of Tasmania. I really changed my expectations after completing that.
Sadly, skills will continue to be lost 🙁. Enjoy what you can together.
Take this as a new normal. Try giving her a few, very few tasks she can help you with, do not expect her to help much. Again, with aging and dementia, she is really struggling.
If you are making dinner and she asks, hand her potatoes and ask her to peel them. Or give her a stack of plates and ask her to set the table. If you are cleaning give her a dust rag and have her do the shelves, or hand her a broom or the vac and have her run that over the floor.
I have read that it can take 40 seconds for a person with dementia to process what was just said. 40 seconds does not sound like a long time bit it is, in 40 seconds I am past the first part of the conversation and onto a second or third.
If she has problems with the potatoes, setting the table, dusting don't let it frustrate you. Let her do what she can and forgive/forget the rest.
Life is short enough to let little things like this stress YOU out. The more stressed and up set you get the more she will.
given a few minutes ago (because they kept repeating them to themselves and had nothing to distract them),
Yet when confronted with the automatic coffee maker in their own kitchen, they may suddenly not remember how to use it. They start to do a task but halfway through think of something else that needs doing and begin to do whatever that is. If shopping, they buy items over and over because they forget they bought the same thing yesterday. They don't know if they are receiving the right change if paying cash.
They may tell themselves that they are "fine" (even if their life is one of constant frustration because of things that "don't work right") and they certainly want others to think they are still capable. Especially that!
It's a terrible, frustrating disease. It requires understanding but lowered expectations and extraordinary patience from family and caregivers alike.
So the other day I see her with a notepad and she says she's writing a list of all the things that SHE needs to do to be helpful and it's a huge list. I'm curious, but I wait.
First thing, she comes in to say top on her list is to change her air filter. So then she asks me how to open it. What size filter it takes. Where do I get a new one.
I realized, in reality, the list is just more stuff for me to do. I sort of giggled when I realized it was brilliant on her part (if not unintentional).
She may intend to change the air filter. If she's done it before, SHE assumes she knows how. But when she actually starts to do it, she doesn't remember how! That is so typical of Alzheimer's. It's beyond frustrating (to her especially...maybe more than to you) If she hasn't done it before, she may think she can figure it out. She USED to be able to figure things out or, at least, follow instructions. True. But when it gets right down to it, Alzheimer's may make these processes impossible. Just following a step by step list of instructions can be overwhelming and confusing to a person with dementia. Even "Feeding the cats" seems simple enough, self-explanatory, but it is a process (find the dish, find the food, open the food, find a spoon...) none of which are difficult for a normal person who is used to doing it. But if the brain isn't processing properly, who knows?
Your mother making lists may indicate she realizes her memory isn't up to par. But her memory might need more help than even she realizes. Perhaps she should see a doctor.
It's very frustrating, but that's what dementia is.
I hear you, and I get so frustrated too. The not getting the mail thing would be very frustrating.
It's hard to reconcile how my mom was to this zero short-term memory mom I have now, who watches me run around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get stuff done.
I think the offer to help is made because it's a polite habit, and the intention is probably sincere in terms of following through, but it runs smack into the reality of being unable to execute. Here's an example of how it affects my Mom's ability to help, with a Thanksgiving Day theme:
She offered to make the cranberry sauce, and this morning she rattled off the ingredients-''it's simple, water, sugar, cranberries!''.
When it came time to make the recipe I put the stuff on the counter for her and she couldn't figure out what to do. It's as if looking at the ingredients laid out was a puzzle and she couldn't figure out what the first peice was.
This gets referred to a lot here, but it was very helpful to me.
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
When the article gets to discussing dealing with death, such as the LO's parents, I was pleased to read they basically support what I've been saying - they can't grasp it, they won't remember it and you will just put them through hurt and possible anger over and over. It's best NOT to be truthful if they can't grasp it. Find ways around it. "Have you seen (or talked to) Nana (or some other relative or friend) recently?" No, not recently. That's the truth, without adding the deal breaker that Nana is long deceased! "How is <person> doing?" Well, last time I checked they were okay." Again, the truth, based on some long ago "last time." When my mother brought up her mother, I knew better than to go down that rabbit hole. Same when several years later she asked about a younger sister. Not going through the Looking Glass either!
Interesting about the example of the woman being told her parents are in FL. Once when mom asked about her mother, it was winter and I took a huge chance in saying they were in FL for the winter. I was afraid she might be mad they didn't ask her to go. She pondered it for a bit, and then, to my relief, said they used to do that. Boy, did I luck out that time!
Still working my way through the article. So far most of it reaffirms what I have learned and experienced in this "journey" my mother is on. It is a good one, and should be recommended more often! This is the first time I've seen it posted, so THANK YOU ElizabethY!!! Always room to learn more...
You are mad because she is trying to help? Even if she doesn’t help, at least trying is on her mind.
When you were a child, did you always follow through with every promise to help your mom? Did you always see she needed help when you were standing alongside her? Were you a bit lazy perhaps? A bit preoccupied with yourself? My guess is you were performing then about the same as your mom is now.
My other guess is that you’ll really miss this someday. As the years tick on, there may come a day when she can no longer try, then no longer communicate, then one day you won’t have her at all and you’ll weep for the memory of wonderful now.
These are her days to rest. Take care of her like she took care of you.
Please don’t take this as criticism- just a different perspective to consider.
Even if something isn’t someone’s fault, things become frustrating when you have to deal with it on a regular basis.
So honor your feelings of being emotionally and physically drained.
Take breaks when you need to. No one can go full speed ahead continuously without crashing.
Caregiving is draining. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t feel this way from time to time. It’s completely normal.
Make an appointment with a neurologist for an assessment of your loved one to address your concerns. Your primary doctor can refer you to one or ask around.
Wishing you all the best.
Dementia can do that to us - leave us confused! When mom first said it was too difficult doing everything, I offered to take over her finances for her. She declined, saying it gave her something to do! When she referred to my daughter as her cousin, I corrected her, which I now know is the wrong thing to do (she basically clammed up - couldn't process it.)
It is more important for you to learn more about what to expect and understand than it is to have her tested again. You are aware of many of her shortcomings already and the tests they do may not enlighten anything as they may not be testing what her deficiencies are. She also may not even be able to focus on what they are asking her. If she asks to help and you say do this, yet she drifts off, her focus ability is gone. It is, in some ways, like dealing with young children, who often have the attention span of a gnat! Often when we were driving to or waiting for an appt, mom would rifle through her wallet and purse, over and over again. She did that while we were at the bank so I could close her account. She also developed this odd OCD behavior at night before bed (she still lived alone, but we had set up some cameras to watch the front door area and captured this.) It started as one or two iterations a few nights and became a nightly marathon, 1 - 1.5 HOURS, checking the door lock, sidelights, dishwasher and something in the living room. Over and over again. She wasn't even aware she was doing this! It also revealed the clothes horse was wearing the same clothes over and over again, up to 6 days once!
The article ElizabethY posted is very good, and uses some good examples. I responded to some posts about what I've read in it so far and experienced with my mother. What I've read so far (I plan to finish it and check out the other link posted by cwillie as well) is useful, even if you know a lot! My mother is just finishing year 4 in MC, so I'm aware of and/or have experienced many of these issues, but can always learn more.
Learn all you can, but understand that every person's "journey" is going to be unique to that person. There are common behaviors and symptoms, but not everyone has them and there's certainly no clear time frame for when to expect any of these. Mom was the first one to move into the rebuilt facility (MC unit for her) and those who moved in shortly after are already gone. Even some who moved in more recently have moved on. Mom harped on YB to take her back to her condo for the first 9 months, then suddenly wanted to be dropped off at her mother's and started asking about her previous residence (25 years after it was sold!) She's been in that "time frame" for quite a while, and I can peg her living her life about 40 years ago, based on queries about her mother and a younger sister (her mother's been gone about 40+ years, and the statements about her sister were clearly in that same time frame.) So, in her case, she seems to regress in sudden drop offs, then plateaus. Sadly due to the lock down, I have no way to know if she has regressed further. Her hearing was too bad so she has no phone and I'm not allowed in. I had a short outdoor visit in Aug around her birthday (97) and a more recent short visit indoors (post stroke), but between the masks, distancing and her hearing, it isn't clear she even realized I was there.
Check out the articles. If they can help you better understand, I think it could be more useful to you than putting your mother through more testing. They see her for a short time, while you see her all the time. Testing only focuses on what they deem needs to be tested, where you can observe more everyday behavior and shortcomings.