We had a dysfunctional childhood, & mother went into rages, (chased me down & choked me when I couldn't get away). I was constantly afraid & angry, so I avoided her a lot by staying with friends. Nobody is left to visit her (in assisted living) but me & it's been awful. I was on medication just to cope, but I feel better without it, (except that means I can't tolerate visiting her anymore because of the panic I get). I'm unable to discuss this with her, & I can't afford a therapist unless I use her money. (I have power of attorney but I feel that using her money for my therapist may be dishonest). Please give your opinions.
I can understand how you would be hesitant to spend time with a person who verbally and physically abused you as a child to the point you had to move out. It doesn’t sound like it’s gotten much better.
Mom has dementia? Or lifetime mental issues? I would not feel guilty or obligated to visit her because there is no one else. Has her toxic personality driven everyone else away? It’s not your responsibility to be “the one”. She forfeited her rights by her abuse of you. And she’s still abusing you to the point you are developing your own mental issues. Break the ties. Visit once a month or less. Inform the nurses, or even the administrators of your plans not to visit and tell them you will be available for contact if needs be but because of her affect on your well-being you will no longer be visiting.
If you continue to expose yourself to this abuse, she will be more than happy to continue it. But she cannot if you take the responsibility for ending it.
Why not tell her outright that she was so abusive to you during childhood that she does not "deserve" to be visited by you, and that the visits do nothing but upset you - so you are going to stop them.
You deserve to have your own life and be happy - not visit a mean-spirited witch who does nothing but bring you down.
Considering this, I'd say a once a month visit in a common area is being VERY nice!
If you think she won't run out of money before she dies (do you think this will happen?), I would definitely not hesitate to use her money to see a therapist, because she caused the problem.
I say that if meds are needed to cope with an elder, then all efforts should be made to get out of that environment, instead of just going on meds (with the many side-effects they can have). In your case, that means going less-frequent contact.
And once a month might even be too much -- if it is, try going for six weeks between visits.
YOU count. YOU matter. Your mother is safe and cared-for in AL, so let her reap what she's sowed, which is little contact with you, the one she abused.
Even if I wasn't able to afford the counseling, I would definitely stay away as much as possible. I have no desire to assist her because EVERYTHING that I have offered to do for her has become a battle. So I am backing off. It may sound harsh, but this is self preservation. My epiphany came when my daughter pleaded with me to stay away from her, because my daughter and son need be to be healthy for them, their spouses, and my grandchildren. That's all I needed to hear.
Stay strong...and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.
But now I'm real serious about cutting down on my contact with mother, (cuz I can't control my fear without the meds). That's a good idea about the lawyer, I do have to get better informed. Thanks😊
For your own mental health you should limit your exposure to the toxicity. visit once a month. Limit visits to common areas or where there is other people and activities. If she starts in just say " I am sorry I have to leave" then get up and go.
No need to even get into a "discussion" because it will end the way all the others have in the past.
Heal yourself. And while I am on that subject have you looked into support groups? There may be some that might give you some insight. While not therapy just talking might help a bit.
Being the oldest and living closer than my sister makes it easier for her to call me.
She has Alzheimers and lives alone. I would love to keep in touch with you and share stories.
Nicole
Cut down you visits to the bare minimum [don't go at holidays] & write her letters instead of visiting personally if that would make you feel better - in the first few put in a self-addressed stamped envelope so she can write back - if she writes back continue with those envelopes but once she has 3 then stop sending them but continue to write her in lieu of physical visits
Call her facility regularly to be on top of her situation but don't do the visits often - let them know that for personal reasons you will not be able to visit as often as you have been - they have her number by now anyway because the staff can read these people well - basically your mom is reaping what she sowed years ago
Then check about getting councelling for yourself without it depleting your finances - you don't say where you are but by stating that I assume that you are in USA - I am in Canada & much of that is covered albeit with a bit of a waiting list - it might take some searching & a bit of a wait but it will do you good in the end - try even some group therapy or self-help groups like AA but for abuse survivors - even going to the library to get relevant books will give a boost as you do something positive for yourself
Get some professional help. Call your local Mental Health agency, city or county. They may be able to help you get some free or minimum cost therapist. If the first one or two don't work for you, keep looking. There will come a day when you will click with the correct one for you.
The adult abused child also has to deal with the double shame of not being able to confidently draw their boundaries, when they know and can read that others have successfully done so. I feel for you, but you seem like someone who can parse out phantom voices. The advice here is remarkable, and please never admonish yourself if you falter in trying to eke out your god-given self.
All the responses here have hit many nails on many heads! What friends we have here.
Adults who were abused as children hope that, deep down, their kind behaviors (loyalty, caring, empathy, making things right for others, charitableness, visiting the infirmed abuser, etc.), will change the abuser or bring about a cloak of sane love and protection you never had. Or that some God/Good Parent /Rescue Witness will forgive the adult child for being guilty of having been marked by abuse. Or the burden of the parent’s chokehold will be lifted (as some responsible adult should have done for you).
Abusive parents suck the life force out of their targeted children. As the adult child of an abusive parent, you have a very difficult time separating the autonomic nervous system responses from actual terror triggers. Separating and drawing boundaries threatens your existence, but you will get through it.
Read about Stockholm Syndrome, borderline personality disorder, malicious narcissists and trauma-induced anxiety. Accept who you are and that you may be working through this for a long time. If you can find no- or low-cost support groups, they are much cheaper than one-on-one therapy. If therapy is available, go for it! Even grief groups can help, because basically you are working through the loss of your innocent Self and having to be your own protector. I feel lucky we have others on this site that do such a beautiful job of affirming the sanctity of Selfhood when walking on minefields.
I guess some People are Born evil possessed by the devil and thrive in the misery of those Who are closest to Them. It seems Your Mom is a Street Angel and a House monster. May I ask where was Your Dad during these years ?Since We are well aware that in Life We only reap what We sowe I would have crossed Your Moms Name off my List long ago and inform the Nurses that You are moving on with Your Life and leave Your contact details in case Your Mom needs pyjamas or underwear or a night gown or slippers etc so You could drop what ever She needs off at the Nurses desk. Despite all of this torture You are still a very nice Person and You do not want to be contaminated by this Woman, so I would save Yourself.
You need to protect your wellbeing.
Check your local community to counselling services that are low or no cost. There are often resources available through local mental health organizations.
If you are in the USA and Medicaid maybe needed in the future, you cannot use your mother's funds to pay for your therapy, without it impacting the look back period.
Considering that your parent was borderline homicidal and profoundly affected you in your formative and later years, you have EVERY right to use this person's money to pay for your therapy without ANY guilt. It's the very simple principle: you break it - you pay for it! That applies to persons as well as things.
As to visiting this person and causing yourself even more panic and anxiety, I think you are also not obligated to suffer for the sake of... what? Discussing the harm she caused you with her? You don't discuss your pain with a crocodile who is trying to eat you? You get away as far as you can from a crocodile. And you take time and heal your wounds so you can have a better life and be a better parent.
Hugs!
It really sucks